Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Welcome to the club

I am the adult child of a sociopath parent. Until now I have been satisfied in my search for kindred spirits by lurking on blog's of others and chiming in there when I wanted to be heard. There are many blog's from Acon's that are very well done and I felt no need to reinvent the wheel. What I have not found on many sites is the sense of outrage that we as humans should be feeling when our lives or the lives of loved ones are irrevocable damaged by these people. The blog creators exude this sense of injustice from every pore. But posters from the lessor personality disordered dilute the magnitude of the sickness some of us have endured and it isn't right. I don't know if people are sand bagging their experience, or that a mother wanting to lord over a daughters wedding to pick out china patterns is life shattering.
 Without diminishing what others have experienced, I would like to create a safe haven for those of us that have had to deal with someone that is truly a sociopath. Some of us have been forced to live with a sickness and evil so pure that it is impossible for others...even the children of the personality disordered to conceive. My attempts to broaden the spectrum of this evil light on other sites, is met with skepticism and indifference. I am sure that the members there have taken on the traits of the disordered and want to make each and every interaction a contest. I would make this a safe place for others to come and share their worst with no fear of having their experience diminished, discounted, or disbelieved. My mother really out did her self on the personality disordered front. She shot past narcissistic personality disorder and is right up in contention as queen of the sociopath's.
She was involved in a murder in the sixties and drove my father to suicide in the seventies.
 She says she has never done a single solitary thing in her life that is reprehensible or illegal. I disclaim not in the name of a pissing contest. But to let you know that judgment is something you will not find from me. Not from me and not here. If any one out there have walled themselves off for fear of being ostracized ..you will find no judgment here. You are in a safe place to speak.


Vintage said...

One of the things I hate the most, if you tell people how your mum treated you, it's like there is some big mum fan club and they can do no wrong.

q1605 said...

Yes Vintage. They think we are speaking about being grounded after we snuck out of the house one time in high school.
Or we didn't get a car for a Birth day present like our friends.
The sociopath around us took things that are hard to see. Things that money can not replace.
They took our childhood.
They took our peace of mind..maybe forever.

Vintage said...

Yes, I didn't have a childhood, for as long as I can remember, home wasn't a safe place, It was somewhere I had to pull my weight, and it didn't matter what I did it was never enough, never good enough.

She did her best to crush me, I have tried to fight back, but I think I could of been so much more.

Lisette said...

Thankyou for creating a space where our experiences won't be met with smug indifference or judgement. I don't like to use buzz words like invalidating, or triggering... but I find many other ACON blogs are about low level narcs, or low level compared to the pure evil that we have faced in our parentage. They are also often written from the POV of someone trying to "manage" a relationship with an N parent(s). The writer's denial, and or naivety, is at the very least irritating, as are some of the comments.

The sense of outrage at the injustice we have faced in our lives is natural and healthy, and coming to terms with the reality of evil is what prompts us to go No Contact. So the last place that I, as an ACON, wants to visit is some gooey love-in where everyone's trying so damn hard to act perfect, and not appear angry, or feel much of anything... just like their N parents trained them to do. Nor do I like to hear people psychologizing others. That shit bugs me. I think it comes with all their holier than thou attitudes. Some of them act like mysterious gurus who are above even commenting on their own blogs. Blech! rarely read other blogs and the one or two bloggers that I can relate to and respect are clearly angry and express that outrage against the Ns no matter where they lie on the spectrum.

I just want to put it out there that I feel safe here, and to those seeking information and support... if you get irked by what you're reading on other sites then let your instinct be your guide. Even just taking in one drop of trivial rubbish can do more harm than good.

Righteous anger comes with being in touch with our selves and the reality of our experience, and it takes integrity to express it.

I find comfort in your honesty q1605. I'm sure others do too.

q1605 said...

I hate to discount the gooey love fest because...just because they would be welcome here too. But there are so many blogs like that out there I don't think they would give this place a second look. They don't give the same latitude to the angry ones of us that we give them to them. I have posted and finally after a round about journey just spit it out. My mother set a guy up to get robbed and killed.
I was in the house along with my sister when it went down and she drove my father to suicide. Another act of violence and this one I didn't sleep through.
What I heard back? I am sure that was a difficult and trying time for you.
Yeah I guess it was. And it installed chaos in my head through out my life.
But after giving my so called mother a lifetime pass on it and being paid for my compassion with gas lighting, I am pissed and I don't care who knows.

q1605 said...

Ummm and thank you Lisette for your kind words.

Lisette said...

It's good to know your welcome mat is out.

q1605 said...

Lisete. If I can reword my comment. As I said in my inaugural post. Most blogs are chock full of the had it up to here-ness that I see on your blog and you see on mine. That "being driven around the last bend" is the impetus that makes one want to start blogging about these freaks.
It's the support groups that attract the children of the lessor disordered. And they tend to soft sell their experience. But they need a vent stack too. Blogs that boil down to a foaming diatribe are mostly shunned by them. Except Anna V's. She is truly a bench mark for us all.
Each to his own. But I can tell you one true thing. NPD's are sociopath's. Make no mistake about that. Any one that thinks they are not capable of any of my mothers "stunts" may get a big surprise one day.

Lisette said...

Yes. To each his own. Take what you like and leave the rest... or just leave. What goes on in Vegas stays in Vegas. Thanks for letting me vent in former comment.

Spot on about NPDs being "capable" of pulling any of your mother's stunts. That's the piece I always try and remember because boy are they crafty. It's better to be prepared and aware that they have no rock bottom... then have their "stunts" come as a big surprise. They are capable of stuff we couldn't even begin to dream-up.

Liberty Freedom said...

I have recently started to tell people (after half a century of denial), how the woman who gave birth to me, repeatedly told me that she wished she had aborted me.

That was just one of her minor transgressions.

But you know what response I get?

"Well, at least you had a mother. Some people lose their mothers at a young age to cancer and accidents and stuff."


So an evil mother who destroys her own child is better than no mother.


q1605 said...

I bet the people they are referring to, the unfortunates that lost their beloved mothers at an early age, are not the people that are telling you this.
THEY had nice mothers who are still in the land of the living, and who probably still does their laundry for them if they drop it off at her house.

Charity said...


Q, YOU are a lifeline. You have put into words, with this post, what I have wanted to say online for well over a year, but did not know how to articulate.

I am so glad you are here!

When I tell people, or write in a comment, that my mother tried to gas our whole family to death.... among many other horrible hideous things.... mostly the response I get is: IGNORED. Shunned. Banished even, as happened to me on one of the daughter's of nm's "support groups." It was my very first post after joining that group. I had eagerly read through the postsand pages and thought I was finally "home." I joined the group, set up my account, then laboriously wrote and rewrote my very first post, in which I went into a lot of detail about my mother's worst deeds, and I asked if anyone else on that forum could relate to having a mother who was THAT extremely abusive and insane.

The very next day I eagerly logged back on to my computer and clicked over to that website, hoping to find at least one caring response. But what I found to my shock was that I had been BANNED. No explanation was given other than: We have determined that you are not a good fit for our website. This decision is final and not open to appeal.

I can't even tell you how devastated and CRAZY I felt!

I wish I could say more, but I am feeling too emotional right now to continue.

I'm just so sorry that you have such a hideous monster for a mother.

q1605 said...

You were effing banned? What a crock.
The only forum I was ever on was a yahoo site. The one with narcissist misspelled. They would say things like a am sure your childhood was bad but my boyfriend didn't spend two minutes looking at the scrapebook I made on our 30 day anniversary and I am coming unglued. I spent hours on it. I ended up leaving. They made me as crazy as my mother.

Charity said...

I don't believe I was ever on that yahoo site, but there was one on yahoo for people with complex ptsd that was a lot like you describe. The daughters of narc mothers one that banned me right out of the starting gate has banned a lot of people for nit-picky reasons, I learned that by doing a search. Some sites said that the woman who runs that site is a predatory N in disguise, looking to make money off the hurting and gulllible. I don't know, I can't diagnose, I haven't watched that much tv!

Anyway, I expect it's only normal that some folks will butt heads from time to time on any forum, human nature being what it is. When one is hanging out on blogs and forums that have to do with trauma issues, all the more so. When I am in a certain frame of mind, I can be triggered really fast, and I hate that about myself, I am working hard on it, I don't like getting angry. What triggers my anger? When someone is talking/acting like an N. When they are openly disdainful, judgmental, hostile, toward me or people I identify with. Like the woman who friended me on fb last October and then immediately posted, right on my wall, that I am in my late 50s and it's time I stop talking about my childhood, everybody goes through shit, no childhood and no parent is perfect, and I need to grow up and live in today and count my blessings, starting with the fact that I am still alive. I was so freaking PISSED! That woman had never met me, and had never interacted with me until that moment, she had been one of my husband's fb friends for about 2 years, having in common the fact that they are both bikers, and that she lives near a lot that *I* bought in the mountains. When my husband was posting on his wall a few months prior that he had finally won his VA disability for his PTSD caused by combat in Vietnam, she had posted gungho good for you supportive messages on his wall. Like it's perfectly OK to still have PTSD caused by a war in a foreign country that happened 40+ years ago, but it's NOT OK to have PTSD caused by your parents, plural, trying to kill you 40 or 50+ years ago, because hey that was your childhood and it's in the PAST.

I agree that war is hell. My husband is not only my true love, my soul mate, and my best friend, he is also my HERO. But even my combat Nam veteran hubby is the first one to say that, as bad as the hell of war was, at least it wasn't his mom and his dad shooting at him! Hello!! Right! And his combat buddies who were dying all around him weren't his own father, shooting himself a few feet away, like yours did when you were only 15 years old, for gawd's sake.


See ya round the funny farm,

q1605 said...

I like your old man already. After my father died I sharpened up my guitar skills and played out some. Musical proficiency opens a lot of doors. Although I was never a biker, I owned a rice burner and still have as license, I was accepted into a group of bikers. I didn't hang with all the time.
I rehearsed with my guys at their place and back then every thing was so loosy goosy that if any guy wanted to play we would just jam a guitar in their hand and let them have at. At rehearsals. Not so much at paying gigs but they would never come to a gig.
Point is, is that bikers are the salt of the earth.
I posted a while back on some fucktard that commented on my blog for me to please heal. She put a paragraph of too bad wouldn't want to be ya and then a curt please heal. Nothing more.
Heal what?
There is no infrastructure there to heal.
I did all right but the tactics I use for survival were all acquired after the shit storm of my youth.
Heal what?
That crap makes me crazy.
So of course I launched into a war against the daily strength.
A site that epitomizes the platitude suckers out there.
Am I rambling yet? I think so!

Charity said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
q1605 said...

Not at all. Since I will never know who she is, and I am pretty sure it's a she, I have reserved the right to go on long passive aggressive rants about the site she probably is from. The daily strength.

Charity said...

Daily Strength, yes I was there in 2008 or 2009. Something like that. Briefly. Decided I did not like it. Don't remember now why I made that decision, but obviously it was the right one.

IrishGypsy said...

Omg... I have found my people. I'm not crazy!! I just read the first blog post and haven't even made it through all eighteen responces and felt compelled to weep. I've never posted only lurked on other blogs because I felt so out of place...I always thought my story was "too" out there, never to be believed.

q1605 said...

Our lives can be pretty sad. Not to be overly dramatic. After you/I went no contact it still took me years to assess the damage. It's sort of like trying to piece together a jigsaw puzzle with about a dozen pieces missing. Things that seem irrelevant to you now will fit somewhere that leads you to here and leads you to there. And you've got to watch out. The closer you get to the answer the more gruesome it becomes. I can give you a short version. They hated you they always hated you and they did for no apparent reason. If there was a reason I would chalk it up to the whim oh their day. Because you'll never understand it/them using the logic normal people use. In the last phone call with my mother she was blaming my wife for telling lies about her and poisoning me against her and I just stopped for a beat and said "no normal people don't do that". If you can adhere to that you'll do OK. They don't think like us. They aren't motivated by the simple things in life. They will take a piece of string and have it fashioned into a Gordian knot before they are done. And if they can get you to tie it around your neck and hang yourself from a rafter that's icing on the cake for them.

q1605 said...

That comment is for you Irish Gypsy. I can send you to all sorts of acon blogs that are the benchmark for understanding them. Some are on my side bar but not all. If you comment back I will add the better ones into a post and you can take it from there. For me it was such a relief to find they are crazy and not me. If we are crazy we are what they made us.

q1605 said...

First things first I am going to hook Irish Gypsie up with a couple of good sites if she is just finding out about NPD.
Joanna Ashmuns blog is on the top. This is the first one I found and it really explains things well.
It bears noting that the best blogs were written by people no longer with us and by people who died under mysterious circumstances. I don't think they were murdered or anything like that. I think the ravages of living with these people take such a toll that our lives get shortened by the stress. There are a lot of immune disorders and heart attacks and substance abuse issues.