Friday, January 20, 2012

NPD forum's revisited.




More thoughts on my last post about forum dynamics. It is usually right about now that I wonder how much my history bias's peoples perceptions of me. This is another one of those blind spots for me.
I don't share my past with people in my real life.  Being this vocal on-line is pretty new.
People are so eager to devalue and discard.
  I can hear the haters on forums thinking to themselves, Ooh, you think you are so cool having a murdering lunatic for a mother. I could of had one to if I had been a little more lucky.
. The quick to snit's parents can't hold a candle to the Barbarian. It's easier for me to walk on than it is to butt heads with people that already know they are right.
It is here that I pull the pissing contest card and no where else. In this respect, and this one only, will I declare myself possessing more knowledge than most. Not wisdom. Just the knowledge that given the right circumstance, disordered people are capable of anything.
I don't throw this out as a badge of sociopath endurance.
Any one reading this now would have fared just as well as me and my sister.
In the middle of writing, I will stop and remember that this is all too real. All that I speak of is the absolute truth.
That truth is always there, lurking.  It is all that I know. It steals thunder from me whenever it feels.  It never takes a day off.  As long as I live, each day will be more of the same.
It is just something that happened around some kid.  That kid is gone. I am what is left. It's just the way it is.
It wouldn't have taken much to save us. Me and my sister. But the time to do the right thing came and went.
If any forum douche bag would like to trade my experience for his. Look me up.











16 comments:

Anonymous said...

It seems to me there's a lot of "compare" rather than "share" on the one forum that I'm familiar with. I've stopped referring to particular events growing up with crazy/dangerous mnmomma. It seems others feel their pain/experiences compared to mine are some how "less-than" and that's the LAST thing I wish to accomplish. Look, you don't have to have a homicidal, child-cannabilizing, 'bunny boiling' type of narc parent to have suffered horribly. Broken bones mend. Bruises fade. But the words/other types of actions are-for me at least-the legacy I'll carry to my death. I'm leery about using the word "abuse" with newer posters because they can't (yet) identify what happened to them WAS abuse. So I start with euphuisms like "maltreatment," "inappropriate parental behavior" or something along those lines. I don't want anyone to feel invalidated and we're all on a journey, just in different places and everyone is unique. I want to support ANY ACoN or anyone with a pdparent. The verbal abuse, the constant subtle- and not so subtle put-downs, the disparity between what they say and demand from US and what they do, the classic double-binds, the invalidation/gaslighting does leave a person feeling like they're the "Crazy One."
Occasionally a pdposter will slip through and start posting. (Of course, they don't announce their dx. but their posts on that forum give them away.) My built-in detector starts ringing like a smoke-detector gone wild.
My late DH and my closest friend of 30 yrs. have been the only people I've spoken to IRL regarding Evilmomma, the Walking Cluster B but far more mnarc/AsP (with features of every other dx. in that bunch.)
And even they don't know half of it. They don't need to....
Keep putting it out here q. Speak your truth. We've been invalidated every which way and a forum IMO should allow for differing POV-but NOT more of the same we grew up with.
We're sharing experiences, not engaging in a competition. This journey isn't about IQ/"Smarts:" It's about our reality.
And it's YOUR blog, you can do whatcha want. ;)

q1605 said...

Thanks for taking time to comment and for making such salient points.
You just cost me about 15 minutes though. It's my fault. I read your post and was trying to hammer out a lucid response. When I was about done, I reread your comment and found I was parroting your statements point by point.
Next time I will leave it to you, freshen my drink, and be glad there are people out there that get this so well.

q1605 said...

If I may add this. I would rather be met with a profanity laced insult from someone than I would want smug condescension.
A guy telling me to fuck off at least values my time enough to not waste it by forcing me into dissecting his elliptical logic to figure out what the fuck he means.
Any person that puts that much work into camouflaging a fuck you, is a disgrace to all unhinged and unstable coots around the world.

Anonymous said...

Q, I just posted something similar on the other blog that I follow. I would rather be called a loser, a bitch, or just be told to fuck off, rather then someone coming at me with some passive-aggressive comment that leaves me sitting there scratching my head.

Tundra ACoN nailed it on this one! There does seem to be a lot of compare, rather than share on the forum that I'm familiar with. It's enough that I hold back a lot when I'm sharing my experiences - I don't want to be the cause of anyone feeling that their abuse wasn't as severe, so they shouldn't feel the way that they do. It's not a pissing contest. Abuse is abuse, and my pain is as painful to me as your pain is to you.

I also agree that its the sometimes the way that they subtly put us down and make us feel like a worthless pile of shit that hurts the most. My bruises from beatings have faded, but her words, which cut like knives, will probably haunt me forever.

My turn to echo Tundra ACoN's words: Put it all out there, and say whatever you have to say. You are finally among people who truly get it.

Anon

q1605 said...

If my father were living and my mother wasn't dead from the neck up I would thank them both for sparing me physical abuse. Other than a spanking or two I got in first grade and before, they never laid a hand on me. To do that they would have to take their fingers from around the throats of each other.
If they had beat me as well, I am sure ..I don't know. I think it would have sent me inside somewhere I couldn't come back from, or pushed me so far out in anger I would be unable to check myself in any shape or form and probably ended up in prison for a long time.
I just can't relate. Physical punishment was left to my father and he kept his wits about him.
My heart go's out to you. I have lost fights at school and I remember the anguish of defeat in front of and at the hands of my peers.
To have this foisted on me by parents would be so much more defeating.
Shall we officially designate our ACON from above the arctic circle "Tundra ACON." I move and second it in anon's stead.
So shall it be spoken so shall it be done.

q1605 said...

How about Nanook of the North?

q1605 said...

The Tundra ACON
She takes on n's with the deadly
yellow snow
from right there where the huskies go!
she takes that mittenful of the deadly yellow snow
and rub it all into n's beady little eyes with a vigorous
circular motion

Anonymous said...

Q, I am so glad that you weren't subjected to physical abuse. It may very well have pushed you over the edge...Sometimes I wonder how I'm still sane.

Although I said that my bruises have healed, there are a few beatings that I haven't really recovered from emotionally. I didn't get beaten too often, but when I did, I had to miss school and couldn't walk straight for a few days. A beating from a MN is like no other - they take every once of rage they have within them and channel that into the beating. In addition, a beating from one of them is very much about power, control, and shame, so my scars are from more of that aspect of it. The worst beating I ever got in my life is when I was a suicidal teen begging for help. They sure do have a way of kicking a person when they're already down.

As an aside, I like "Tundra ACoN for the above Anonymous. Hope she likes it too. :)

Anon

q1605 said...

There was a price to pay for my immunity. The catch for her was that she needed me to cover for her whereabouts on days I wasn't at school. Each vacation day ended with her beating him home and coaching me on what to say to him to keep her ass out of hock.
To give him credit he never once asked me anything. But I still had to listen to her story so I could corroborate her bullshit.
I was so in fear of starting WWIII that I was glad to lie for her ass.
I really think she might have beat me any way except she was too goddamn lazy to see it through.
I have seen some lazy pieces of shit in my time. None like her.

q1605 said...

When my sister was 14 she skipped school and was hanging out with her friends. I don't know how she got busted, but my father was sure she had been f'ing guys and he pretty well beat the shit out of her.
It was hard to listen to. Much less for her to endure.
For him to go that far off makes me wonder what kind of fucked up Freudian thing was playing out.
He would have been fairly normal if not for my mother. She had some Svengali like effect over that guy. He could catch her red handed with some guy and she would do that "it wasn't me" thing and convince him he couldn't believe his own eyes.
As an adult I have been through two divorces. The first one every bit as mind fucking as his marriage to my mom. Except I kept my nut sack where it belonged and not in my ex's purse. I can think of a lot of reasons to off myself. But a woman didn't make the list.
With all due respect to women. You guys are great but you are like buses. I can wait by the curb long enough and another one will come along shortly.

Anonymous said...

I like! I like! Sorry for the delay but communications from The Tundra haven't been reliable for the last 2+ wks. and all hope is being lost about now...at least according to the weather report.

Maybe June-if we're real lucky and haven't resorted to cannibalizing our PCs and/or "ISPs."

I am surely honored by my fellow ACoNs and THANKS! I may not be able to post a comment, but occasionally I get a flicker of a GREAT Blog/topic and I know there's intelligent life out there even if I can't access it for days or more....

Charity said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Charity said...

I thought I was the only one with a mother this crazy and evil. the only one still alive and semi-sane.

q1605 said...

Boy do I get it. The only thing worse than having parents this crazy are ones that feel like they have to hand out a program so you won't mistake any of their actions as accidents.
My father used to drive me and my sister around in the car and tell not to mind his footsteps on the porch that night. Don't give them a second's thought. It would just be him stepping out to shoot himself in the head. This was in 67 before we bonded my mother out. That would make me 9 and my sister 16.

Charity said...

I don't think I would have survived your childhood. I barely survived mine.

q1605 said...

After a while you just get used to it.