Saturday, February 11, 2012

More from Sis.

My sister swears she is OK with me posting her words. I didn't specifically ask her permission to post this.  She is blind to her talent I think, because she really cuts to the heart of the matter and I am proud to post her writing here.

When you think about it, if she had wanted to be married to dad don't you think just once she would have acted like a wife? Same deal with being a parent, she never once acted like one. So if you take it all at face value, she wasn't good to any family members. I don't think she wanted any sort of family life. Reminds me of her father running around binge drinking and leaving them stranded on the farm without a car or
anything, as he goes off for days. If he wanted to be married would he have jeopardized his family that way? Anybody else would have divorced him.
And she acts just like him except the female version.

There's always a part of us that wants a mommy, wants a nurturing parent, and we have that idealized fantasy in our heads, and then we think someday she can be that. But after waiting 60 years, I don't think it's going to happen. But it's normal to want that and to get sentimental sometimes about it.
It just shows we're more human than her, because I never saw her get sentimental about anything.
He was so weird about her, I think she could have hatcheted the *******s and *******s and he'd just go, 'oh well'. We were watching the Tombstone movie the other night, Val kilmer is awesome in that. When he shoots Ringo he says, "why you were just too high strung, that was your problem". I could see dad saying that about mom, she was just too high strung, lol.
If she was normal, she would have called you by now and apologized. Since you've spelled out to her in letters your grievances.
A normal mother would definitely have said something like, "I see why you're angry and I understand it all and I am apoligizing for anything that has hurt you. If you don't want to have a relationship with me, that is fine. But I wanted to let you know how I feel." etc.


Anonymous said...

thanks, brother!

your Sis

q1605 said...

Just don't send one of your goons to make me stick my finger in a light socket.

Anonymous said...

I said earlier they were the classic folie a deux. Even though The Barbarian bought more to the table manifestly, your father had just as much stuff going on with him as well but his played out in a different way.

Their relationship was NOT about love or true intimacy with your partner: It was about playing out their own stuff against the backdrop of their kids. I do believe the primary relationship SHOULD be between the parents-the ADULTS. However, when your children are orbiting around your world as parents/adults so far out there they might as well be the Hubble Telescope there's a severe "disconnect" both individually and together as adults/parents. Their respective pathologies played off one another with the kids as the unwitting/unwilling "audience."

It takes an incredible degree of self-absorption IMO to ignore or somehow over-look this reality. Of course we're more human than her-or may I dare say, him. This is not about the typical flaws, frailties, failures and so forth we all experience as adults or parents: This was a classic enabling-to-the-max and beyond for dad and some heavy-duty denial about reality and a wife whose reality was so distorted she ran circles around him....because HE allowed it. Perhaps he some how didn't think he "deserved" her, this beautiful young woman. Perhaps she had him sized up as a "mark" that would give her the "Cover of Normalcy: Married with Children" for her pathology to play out. Or maybe (and most likely) it was a way for her to escape her own history.

Sis, you were on hell of a mother before your time. And if you have kids IMO, they're blessed to have such a mom. And yes, looking at her history I get on a very real, personal level what you mean about, "..just like him except the female version." It still doesn't excuse the behavior or the destruction left in the wake by both of these individuals. You're BOTH to be commended for your personal qualities, your integrity and honesty. If nothing else, growing up like this allows us to be highly adaptable; however, that same adaptability can also pave the way to allowing unacceptable behavior from others to become the norm in our adult lives.

Nonetheless, we're not left unscathed. And the knowledge and acceptance both intellectually and more importantly emotionally of this reality allows us to find our "spot" in this world in every way.

upsi said...

I was watching a special about the foot soldier's Civil War history the other day, and one thought stood out quite strongly: that the strongest bonds we make are in times of massive distress.

A few thousand bravos for maintaining the thread that bonds you - it's one small victory in a corpse-littered battlefield. My mother managed to break ours - it's like losing a lung.

Anonymous said...

I've spent my life with Vietnam combat vets. And you're right on there with your observation, upsi. All these years later those bonds forged in battle, in a war zone are as strong as ever. Their spouses/SO may not "get" this bond but you can be sure if they don't they're unable to remain in the relationship. Competing with a "Mistress" called war is too much for anyone less than the most tenacious and compassionate.

We live with ghosts from the past of our own personal wars. And like those guys/women, we're coming home, one at a time.

But we're coming home and finally finding one another.

Charity said...

Tundra Woman ~ In March of last year I accompanied my Vietnam Veteran husband to a very belated Welcomd Home dinner in Amarillo, Texas, along with our next-door neighbor, who is my husband's best friend and is also a Vietnam Veteran, and our neighbor's wife. It was a deeply moving occasion, bittersweet, poignant. I was so glad that finally our Vietnam War Veterans were getting the official Welcome Home that they should have gotten 40+ years ago.

And I was also wishing that people like me could have a Welcome Home day. And thinking I was selfish and crazy for wishing that.

When we, meaning my husband and I, meet a veteran of war, a veteran from any war, but especially a veteran of the Vietnam War, we always shake their hand and say "Welcome Home," and thank them for their service.

Reading this blog and these comments feels like a Welcome Home.


q1605 said...

We're glad to have you.
If you are from Texas that's two more points for ya.

Charity said...

Thanks! We live in eastern New Mexico, which is more like Texas than it's like the rest of New Mexico, being the western edge of the high plains. The nearest VA hospital is in Amarillo.

q1605 said...

So you are of the LLano Estacado?