Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Narcissist mothers. What gives you the right?

 In light of some action going down on another blog, it begs the question of what gives you the right?
Narcissistic parents are crazy as shit house rats. You have spent your life gutting your child. Wrecking their hopes and dreams. Giving them nothing to support a transition into a robust and successful adult life.
Or giving them a life bound up by so many of your terms and conditions that it amounts to no life at all.
What gives you the right to be indignant, when you once again offer up my way or the highway,
and we take the highway?
How dare you be pissed?
It is not enough to say you gave us life.
I would like to give it back. It's a choice I didn't have then, and it is no choice now. If you could your kid to  snuff it, this would be another avenue for more self aggrandizement.
You can snit and stamp your hoofs all you want.
If we are as you say, snot nose entitled brats, we are what you made us.



upsi said...

I took a class about genocide back in undergrad. Why was I drawn to the subject of mass annihilation, you ask? I wanted to know how the fuck it happens. Call it unconscious curiosity about the nature of destruction.

There's a saying that kept coming up: "might makes right." They did it because they had the most guns. They did it because everyone was afraid if they tried to stop it, they too would be destroyed. They did it because they could. And because they could, they thought it was right.

Over the years, I've come to see the irony in the phrase - the last thing that makes it right is might.

DH has always told me that my mother only has power over me if I give it to her. It took me a long time to understand that. Just because a mother has the might to crush her children, doesn't make it right. And just because she'll try, doesn't mean I have to let her.

Power is a funny thing. It changes hands so seamlessly in the passing of generations we don't realize what we have. The fact is that the NMs of this world have no right to make their demands. They can stomp and scream and try everything in their playbook - they only win if we let them. They only win if we play - and all of us ACoNs have the power to stop playing.

Just don't expect it to be pretty!

q1605 said...

Oh it's pretty all right. Pretty fucking ugly.
I can tell you absolutely that it was not what my mother did before I went no contact, that made me go no contact. She pissed me off so thoroughly that I set off on foot, but I would have eventually made it back. It was what she did after that what will make it a forever proposition.
Total and complete scorched earth against me.
Immediately enlisted every mortal enemy I have ever had the misfortune to know.
She had chin music festivals with ex wives and this bitch that embezzled from my business. Embezzlement that led to me closing my doors.
The worst and lowest pandering to any and every one that would lend her a sympathetic ear.
Absolute total and complete selling out of me to the lowest bidder.
But they LOVE us.
They gave us life.
Fuck you and the horse you fucked to get here.

upsi said...

Absolutely the same here: what has sealed the deal, so to speak, has been everything SINCE I changed my tune. Before that, chalk it all up to polite restraint. The unearned benefit of the doubt. Once it was "on," I saw the beast. She rounded up anyone and everyone for as much sympathy as she could get.

They'll show you exactly who they are and you're a fool if you don't believe them.

q1605 said...

Yeah upsi.
When a person tells you they are irrational, it is my policy to take them at their word.

upsi said...

so irrational they don't even know what the word means. if you asked them, "hey mom, define rational" who knows what kind of answer you'd get - not the standard-actual-one, that much is clear.

q1605 said...

Rational is whatever makes them look good and you look like a shit sandwich.
And if they can sell it to others.

vicariousrising said...

Damn, that picture looks like my mom as a little girl. She even still collects creepy looking dolls. Nightmarish.

q1605 said...

Hey Vicarious!
Check out the you tube link I added.
Narcissist talking Tina Doll vs. Narcissist ballistic step father.
Let's get readyyyyyyyyyyyy
To rumble.
I think I owe some guy in New Jersey twenty seven cents for using that phrase.
If you see him tell him I would rather owe it to him than to cheat him out of it.

Charity said...

That doll on the far right is a doll I had. Her name was Nina, she was one of those dolls that you feed a bottle of water, and it came out a hole in her bottom. Make-believe-parenting at its finest. This demon child looks like she's strangling her dolls. Yikes. Me, I loved and nurtured my doll-babies with the devotion and care that I wished I had been given. In so many of my childhood pictures, I had a doll cuddled in my arms.

How's this for ironic, Q and Q's Sis: my sociopath narcissistic momster's name is also Barbara. The B. The Barbarian. The Barb.

I went no contact with my momster in 2006. Didn't announce it, didn't really even consciously decide it was forever, I just... stopped. Stopped calling, stopped writing, stopped visiting.

She waited 5 years... what took her so long? Maybe because she has 6 other adult children, 5 adult stepchildren, all their spouses/signifcant others, and countless grandchildren/stepgrandchildren all living nearby to satisfy her narcissistic supply, while I, the eldest by 7+ years, am the one and only to have escaped her clutches by approx. more than 1,000 miles away in 1974. Also, her second husband, my doting reality-denying enabling stepfather was battling cancer, in and out of surgeries and treatments and emergency room visits during 4 of those years, which gave her special poor-me-attention-getting status by proxy.

So, she waits 5 years, and then in May of last year, 14 months after her husband's death, my momster sends me via snail mail (thank G she doesn't do computers) a 62 page hate letter.

Her previous record was a 50-pager, 5o big yellow legal-sized pages that she sent in 1983 when I was 30. What did I do to provoke that, you wonder? I had called her in extreme excitement with the news that an editor with a major publishing house had asked me to send the rest of my novel, after reading my synopsis and sample chapter. I thought my mother would finally be PROUD of me. Ha, was I ever delusional.

Her 1983 50 page letter was sent only to me. And it was ridiculous. It started off by saying "I wish I could write a book to tell the whole world how terrible of a daughter you have been. But since I don't have a publisher, I will have to do it in a letter." And then she went on to describe in detail everything that was ever "wrong" about me in my entire life. It was truly ridiculously petty, irrational, and laughable. Only I wasn't laughing, my heart was too broken.

When my momster mailed her 62 page hate letter last year, she also mailed a copy of it to my aunt/her sister to whom I was somewhat close, and she also gave copies, of that letter to my siblings. I did not read the letter, my husband got the mail that day and spared me. But from the little I've been told of its contents, it was full of outright blatant lies.

I did not respond to the 62 page hate letter that I never got last May, until early January, when I became infuriated by some emails and facebook messages that were posted over the Happy Holidays by 2 sisters, 1 brother-in-law, 1 stepsister, and 2 grown nieces, none of whom really know me as I have not lived in that area since 1974 and have visited rarely since then. These hateful emails and messages on fb for all my fb friends to see, were full of lies about me that they had been told by the momster. I am the scapegoat, you see.

Fed up, I called my momster for the first time in 5+ years. She said "Hello." That was all she got to say. And for the next 9 minutes and 57 seconds, according to my cell phone, I told my momster exactly what I've been needing to tell her for decades, but was too meek and "Christian" and compliant to say. Then I ended the phone call, still with her not saying anything after the Hello, I just heard her breathing.

And then, my husband, who was sitting nearby, gave me a standing ovation.

q1605 said...

And for the next 9 minutes and 57 seconds, according to my cell phone, I told my momster exactly what I've been needing to tell her for decades, but was too meek and "Christian" and compliant to say.

I did the same thing. I had never raised my voice to her in anger. And I let her have it with both barrels.
But the Barbarian just kept saying over and over,:I don't have to sit here and listen to this."
But she never hung up. I haven't seen her in almost three years.

Charity said...

Good for you! I'd give you a standing ovation, but I'm lying down with my netbook on my stomach. Insomnia... it's almost 3:30 in the morning here now. 4:30 your time.

q1605 said...

And I was asleep

Henly Hornbrook said...

I am also a survivor of a narcissistic sociopathic momster. I found this post to be very thoughtful and witty. I particularly liked q1605 comments. Having been through all of this I found the 62 page hate mail funny. (I know it was hurtful, but after a while, you just have to laugh). I stop communication about five years ago and it was the best thing I could have done. Those who have not been through it, don't know. WE can't allow them to guilt us back into abuse. Stay strong and laugh.

q1605 said...

Henly Hornbrook? Henly Hornbrook ?
Sounds like turrentine-jackson

q1605 said...

Hey double H may I call you double h thanks for commenting I like to go back in the vaults and read old stuff This was one of my favorites.