Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Just throw in the towel.

   I was thinking about the posturing and hardheadedness of my mother.  How she can manage to strut even while sitting in a chair. How her whole being is a collection of me-monster wants and delusions of grandeur.

I always wondered how all the psychological gears in her head could spin fast enough to process this magnitude of denial without them seizing up and puncturing her self deluded noggin.

How does a person fool oneself into believing this existence is real?
I'll tell you. 

It's because there is nothing there. The lights are on but no one is home. Her whole being is a big fat fucking facade of goose eggs.  Zilch. There is no complex machinery. No wizard inside flailing at pedals and levers. Just a woman with diminished capacity, trying to window dress people into thinking there is someone of substance standing there.

  She can't even carry a conversation. Not one that is anything more than back biting remarks about her so-called friends. Or pelting you relentlessly with inappropriate questions you would rather not answer. She has no identity.
And no real integrity. She is the fucker of husbands that are not hers. She is the kisser of any ass that has two dollars to rub together. She is the woman who weighed the pros and con's of killing someone for the money in his wallet, and and decided it was doable and did it. Take away those motivations and she is an empty dress. 

Q: What did my mother put behind her ears to attract men?
A: Her ankles!

ACON's spend untold hours itemizing these quirks. Like maybe this time we will find a way to make things digestible enough to call the whole thing off and maybe go home and this time things will be different. This time you will be met with a loving and caring woman who only wants to be a real person to their son or daughter. We know it will never happen, but hope springs eternal.  We need to keep telling ourselves over and over that it is not us, it is them.  If we must keep beating the proverbial dead horse until it is glue, to remember to stay away from their toxicity, so be it.

If we could just call them morally bankrupt and leave it at that.
Know that what they do is wrong, and that things will never be the same. 
Once you have come out of the cloak of denial you can never go back.

It is wrong for them to wound others to make themselves feel better. 
It is wrong for them to insult, neglect, or punish a person for their mere existence.

It is wrong for them to react with disdain about everything they don't like, and claim they are not responsible for the feelings of the person they have inflicted themselves upon. 
It is wrong for them to twist facts into unrecognizable form in order to make themselves look better. 
And it is wrong for them to just not give a shit when all of their pretzel logic has been diffused and negated and shoved back at them in the same way they shoved it at you.

These people are forever stuck in the world of a six year old fighting to possess every toy in the sand box. They are toxic and immature, and can't stand up to truth and logic.
Their standard defense to truth is to feign outrage,  knowing if they continue shouting long enough, you will give up and go away. They will set aside facts with self righteous indignation. 
They will never get that you cannot protest your self away from guilt. Making others abandon holding them accountable is not the same thing as being guilt free. They only understand morality in the relative way that is the most convenient for them at that moment. If they suddenly become self aware enough to realize they are exhibiting the very characteristics they are accusing you of, their relativism comes back out with platitudes of them having a right to their own opinion. 
But morals are not relative. Wrong is wrong and they know they are wrong and they will never cop to the fact that they are wrong.
So fuck them. Each and every bastard that can and will out shout you. I can't give a shit anymore. What good does it do? Argue with someone that will argue back forever.
I would give everything I own to have a relationship with my mother. Not one like before. A normal one. With genuine give and take. Not me sitting there and listening to her rant about what is pissing her off today. Or what people did to her over the last 75 years to piss her off.  Or her dissing every person I care for that managed to survive her onslaught of malignant behavior and cared enough about me to stick around.
That's why no contact is so perfect. Just walk away. Walk away and never look back.
Know their happiness without you as a target will be them walking around muttering and cursing the pavement under their feet.
It's a cliche, but really. Living well is the best revenge. And that pisses them off far more than anything else.


Anonymous said...

Yes, living well and being happy is the best revenge because it just eats them up on the inside. They can't stand that it they can't have an affect on you. They've lost control!


Anonymous said...

Excellent post! It is so hurtful when my NM puts down and lies about everyone I love. She is very good at it and if you didn't know better you would absolutely believe the toxic crap coming out of her mouth! You are so right about them not being able to hold a conversation unless it's about their favorite subject themselves!

Adela Alba said...

Ugh, my mother would always talk about people behind their back to me.

I think calling them 6 year old might be giving them too much credit. 4, maybe 5 at most. ;)

q1605 said...

And you know everything they say is at least embellishment if not an out right lie.

q1605 said...

Vicariousrising. I eef'ed up and deleted your comment. I need to not click any thing until after I have my first cup in the morning.

q1605 said...

But vicarious, I want to thank you for your kind words.

Charity said...

Your words: "I would give everything I own to have a relationship with my mother. Not one like before. A normal one. With genuine give and take."

Me, too. Everything I own.

q1605 said...

But since that will never happen I will settle for flushing her head in the toilet.