Saturday, April 28, 2012

The beginning of "The End"



There was only one catch and that was Catch-22. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to he was sane and had to.
Joseph Heller




The first sign that things were not going well after I moved in to care for my mother, was the growing sense of revulsion I began to feel towards her. In the beginning I felt the affinity that a son should feel towards his mother, and I was looking forward to helping her after her stroke. I was counting on the proximity it afforded us to be a catalyst for re-bonding. The silver lining of her illness was such that it imposed a way for us to make up for all the lost time from our past.
What I really needed was to keep reminding myself that her absence from my life was from her end and not mine. It was her that created the category 5 shitstorm, and skipped town.
The visits at the skilled nursing facility were always stiff and distant. Something I attributed to her hating her condition and being away from her home and cats. I also became aware of just how biting her remarks could be. Another thing that was there in the small snippets of time we shared during my adult life, but really didn't take root in my mind as this being the way she is 24/7.

  Her house was not the cleanest and so I methodically started cleaning the things that were less than clean. Like looking at the vent over her stove and noticing caked grease to the point of it being nasty.  I would choose a small cleaning battle and when that battle was won another would present itself and I would declare war on it. Mind you, I never voiced any opinions here. I never saw something and said what most people would have said which would be...."Holy fucking Shit! That's just nasty and I'm fixing this before another meal is cooked here. I may have an adult disconnect with her, but the ever present child in me never forgot the things that will induce a narcissistic rage. And what induced her narcissistic rage at this late date was whatever I happened to be doing at any given moment. Even if it was in her best interests. She was getting visits from a home health care agency and they could have yanked the rug out from under her and sent her to a retirement home cat quick. So I did my best to keep her house top shelf clean and her well fed.

I won't go into the months of gas lighting that followed. The rage attacks that came from no where and were inciting by nothing. We all have our stories of incredulous acts by our malignant narcissist. We begin the journey thinking these acts are happenstance. And then we find it is intentional.  I think this is evil and I think they love being this way. If it is intentional, all they have to do is stop. But they do not.
They exist in some alien world the rest of us are not privy to. They are all motivated by a force that none of us can relate to. There are nuances in their perceptions that don't register with the non disordered, but send them on a gas lighting campaign or into a seething rage.
Narcissism has to be a form of autism.  Their interface with the world fits just well enough to make them appear functional, yet keep us shaking our heads in disbelief.
It's hard to shed light on vibe of evil of the personality disordered. Like cock roaches, light is the very thing they avoid. They deny any thing about them that is less than perfect. And they will never be coaxed to examine themselves, or submit to analysis by others.
This is our dilemma. We have a person we want to love, but who wreaks havoc on our lives any time we get near them. And they can't be fixed.

So fuck'em !

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

Yes, they can't be fixed, that's the bottom line of it.
Being around that house reminds me of the movie The Innocents with Deborah Kerr (based on the book The Turn of the Screw by Henry James). Soooo scary! Deborah Kerr goes to this gothic mansion to be the nanny/caretaker. She soon feels the pervasive ominous quality of the house, sees malevolent ghosts and realizes the children have been possessed by them. The evil entity in the long black dress floating along the floor, yikes! Sis

q1605 said...

Every body that reads this thinks I am being a smart ass. But she really sucks the life out of the room.
You know what I mean. I keep wondering if this is her desired effect? But to know what she says about others when they are out of the room, it has to be. A person can not betray every person they come in contact with and expect to be the matriarch of the family. None of us can turn our back on with getting one buried up to the hilt. But I think she thinks she has us all fooled. She's lays it on too thick to ever spread it that thin.

Anonymous said...

"...but to know what she says about others when they are out of the room, it has to be."
Yes, they DO suck the life out of every person and every room which is graced by their presence. I have noted these people are gossips-we all are to a certain extent. But Mon Dieu, they are the nastiest, most brutal dicers-and-slicers of others (including people they don't even KNOW) I have ever encountered. I have NEVER heard a Narc have a kind or even neutral comment to make about ANYONE including and especially their own immediate family members. NO ONE meets their arbitrary "standards." EVER.
I think this has as much to do with their inherent selfishness as it does their incredible black and white world, arrested as they are at some early stage of childhood development. They have no concept that most of adult life is lived in the "grey areas" between polarities such as "good/bad" or "right/wrong." They are the absolute final arbiter of everything based on their "standards." (Such as they are.) And those standards are based on externals, that are frankly petty IMO.

I've had a couple of strokes as well. I don't want to hijack your post but I have a housekeeper who comes in every 2 wks. who I'm ready to kill-or fire imminently. She's my MN biobitch all over again. Never a kind word about anyone whether she actually knows them or not (including her adult DD or her DH, both of whom are really great people.) My housekeeper apparently bases her very harsh judgements/pronunciations-from-on-high based on 2 variables: How "FAT" they are or how "CLEAN" their houses are (even if she's never been IN their houses.) It's absolutely exhausting to deal with her: There is NO compassion, no empathy, no anything but contempt for everyone else. And the nasty gossip is offensive as hell to me. As does her phone-stalking allegedly to "Check up on" me because I live alone with a geriatric cat. This is another form of unwanted "attention" based on HER needs and rooted in an inherent "IOU" she feels I "Owe" for her unwanted "attention."
Don't get me started on her weird food stuff and fixation with the contents of my fridge/freezer.
As Ms. Jonsi sez on her website homepage, "I KNEW it! I'm Surrounded By Assholes!"
TW

q1605 said...

Yeah T-Dub. That's one of the fleas I was left with from her. I was a gossiping little MF'er until I figured out that people would volunteer their own story if they knew you could be trusted with it, and thus there was no need for here-say.
Hi-jack anything you want. I love the way you cut to the heart of the matter.

Anonymous said...

I think I might, just might have her over a barrel with the food stuff/weight issue.
The last time she was here (thank god, I can anticipate a week of normal blood pressure this week) she was pulling her usual "open-the-fridge/freezer, pretend I'm wiping around" BS while she's inventorying the contents which is typically followed by all kinds of comments and verbal dissection on the items contained within. My fridge was truly on "E." I desperately needed to go grocery shopping but I was waiting for her to leave because she'll be rifling through my underwear drawer/pawing through the cupboards if I leave her here unattended. So I'm in the LR and I hear, "WOW! You have FOOD in here!" To begin with I thought she was being sarcastic. I barely had the basics in there BUT (lightbulb).....I DID have two rather flat packages wrapped in aluminum foil. She couldn't SEE the contents and didn't want to come right out and ask what was in them. I could tell this was just killing her in view of her preoccupation with all things food and particularly MY food. She's fishing for answers to what could possibly BE in those aluminum foil packages because it's most unusual to see something of that nature in my fridge. The usual stuff like OJ, creamer, left-overs from dinner, various greens etc. are obvious by their absence.
heh...heh...I don't pick up the bait. She is very, very interested in my eating habits. My weight is a mystery to her and because she's so preoccupied with hers, well, I SHOULD BE TOO. (She was horrified to learn I don't even own a scale. I don't discuss it despite numerous transparent attempts on her part to get me to disclose how much I weigh.)
I respond with "Uh huh" and continue with my business.
Ever get in the mood for something salty, greasy, totally UNHEALTHY and you don't have to make it yourself? So what was IN those "mystery packets?" The now cold, left-over loaded for bear, extra cheese, hold the green peppers PIZZA from the night before.
And she can kiss my 105lb. flat-assed skinny old broad posterior before I was gonna play that game.
TW

q1605 said...

What pissed me off about my mother is that she would hound me to death to do something she wanted. And then when I was doing what she had asked she would run back to her bedroom and call my wife and her friend's acting like I had gone mad and just started doing this thing out of the blue.
Like my god we were having a conversation and he just picked up the hedge trimmers and went out and started trimming the hedges. Some one stop the madness. Of course the whole conversation was about how landscapers rape her every time the do them.
My step father was as lazy as her. I think watching me work reminded her of the guy who signed my birth certificate. He was a working SOB and so am I. She would always be following me around saying oh you don't want to do this or that. Like manual labor was beneath me.
I think it reminded her how she sold us all out for swinging dick and how she squandered any chances for her kids to have a real job that didn't involve toting lumber and driving nails.

Anonymous said...

I wonder if her mind is slipping also, if she asks you do something and then you do it and she has totally forgotten. A normal person would say, 'wow, thanks for doing that, I've been wanting it done'. So on top of narc. and sociopathy, add in altzheimers, lol. Although even with that, there's still no reason to call other people on the phone about it.

Sis

Anonymous said...

p.s. She does suck up the energy in a room. Like a black hole.


Sis

q1605 said...

No. She would bait you into doing something just so she could badger you to others. I was thinking about it just yesterday. When ever I interacted with someone, she turned it into a fight. I couldn't come up to hang with the SO. That would set her off. I gave a guy a ride to the bus station and THAT set her off. Any time a friend would call on the phone she would call **** and tell her I was messing around behind her back. (if it was a woman)
All while she was telling me to go mess around behind my SO's back.
She crossed a line so early on it would have been amusing had it not been so distracting.
If there is life after death, and there you receive total consciousness. I wonder what our grandmother thought about her saintly daughter after she crossed over?

Anonymous said...

Yes, I bet granny learned alot!

You know I remember her getting mad at dad no matter what he did. If he was in the house, or in the garage, or down the street, or on a trip or at work, always mad. LOL Talk about a boundary jumper, what other people do is NONE of her business.

Sis

q1605 said...

But she made it her business. I would love to have heard her and husband number two.
As flat line as he was in other areas it sounds like he didn't take a lot of daily shit off of her.

q1605 said...

The bitch stays mad 24/7.

Anonymous said...

I agree about number Two. He seemed all mellow, but I don't think he took much off of her. Didn't he leave her sitting in a bar at least once and drive home after they fought? I think he kind of kept her in check, because it was after he died she went off the rails entirely.

Sis

q1605 said...

I saw him do that once. I sort of wondered if he had a short fuse.
But knowing what I know now I don't see how he took it for so long.
No one has anything she wants now so she answers to nobody.
She is pure me monster.

Anonymous said...

Maybe we should count our blessings she doesn't want anything, because otherwise it would be bad. Your phone would be ringing this very moment.

Sis

Anonymous said...

Listen, I'm NOT saying your mother wasn't a raging narcissist and I didn't even read many of your posts yet, all I'm saying is that in my experience...when the brain is involved in a stroke or medical delirium or dementia in any way...SOMETIMES THE PERSONALITY, Agitation, Lack of insight and judgement, etc. can be directly related to a physical neurological cause reason, beyond the full control of the individual...and we just don't see it were not aware that the behavior is actually brain tissue, vascular, and or chemical damage that adds to exacerabates or creates the poor behavior. So...even though no one should be subject to abuse...if she's physically sick/brain sick perhaps it's an entirely different perspective that is needed. So sorry for your suffering...please heal.

q1605 said...

Anonymous. I was just reading how scientist's are wondering if precognition might be possible. The mechanics behind this might explain how the effects of my mother's stroke drifted decades back in time and caused her to murder my fathers boss with the guy she was fucking behind my father's back. Murder him and stuff him in his car and leave him on the side of the road, almost going to prison and bankrupting the family to keep her out.
All so she could carry on further with her antics and drive my father to suicide. So she could shove me out of a moving car at my grandmothers to go live with the guy she was fucking behind my fathers back that caused my father to snuff it.
And how she used to dump me off at grocery stores, there were no malls for hours at a time, so she could bang guys while my father was at work.
Blah blah blabitty blah.
Go heal yourself.
Or keep it to your self.
Are you representing Daily Strength and their supreme message of compassion?

Anonymous said...

Anonymous@2:34am. I think you ARE saying exactly that she is NOT a narcissist. To go through writing an pick ONE to make a statement as to cause. If you had READ anything else you would have noted the behavior pattern was there about 70 plus years pre-stroke. Different perspective? Here is some. What you don't know..... is the level of "stroke" and if an infarct occurred which determines the outcome both physically and mentally if one "can recover". If the terms are foreign google them. But to read one entry and question or elude to what consideration was given to a pretty insignificant event. Is pretty off the wall. If the "physically sick/brain" was plausible as any defense no one would be in jail.
"So sorry for your suffering" Is the think people say when they just handed someone a crap sandwich and they know it. "Please heal" pretty demanding don't you think? Considering that most people Blog to do just that so your statement alone has a devalue/discard tone. NO ONE "heals" from abuse. The physical scars disappear with time. Emotional ones NEVER leave! The abused just learns to cope, manage, and not let it take over their lives but make no mistake it is NEVER GONE!

q1605 said...

Anonymous @ 8:15.
People like 2:34 don't see a blog as a way to get things off a person's chest in a harmless and anonymous venue.
Any person that cherry picks a single post, one that most makes the writer look like a cruel and unreasonable person, is most likely disordered.
To the disordered, a blog is yet another way to engage in groundless braggadocio and negate a whole body of writing in a paragraph.

vicariousrising said...

This makes me chuckle.

I tried a few times to get my therapist to consider that maybe my mom's narcissism was because she was dropped on her head as a baby. He wasn't buying any of it.

I would've loved to believe she was defective due to a medical issue rather than that she simply made horrible, evil choices. It just is not the case the majority of the time with these narcissists.

Apologizing or making excuses for what they have done does not make anyone heal. Being realistic about the effects of their treatment, being ruthlessly honest with myself and the situation -- that is how to be an at least marginally healthy person in the face of the narcissist's dehumanizing reign of terror. Healing does not mean turning into a brainless nincompoop who ignores her feelings or denies her pain. That's just asking for more trouble and letting the person responsible off the hook.