Sunday, April 15, 2012

Cheap Shots.

Personality disordered parents find it hard to understand why a child chooses no contact.   They have done as they damn well pleased, for as long as it damn well pleased them. They don't care how they crowd you. And they don't understand why they should change something that works so well for them.  Never mind what it does to your life. 
Like house breaking a dog, the narcissist must be called on their boorish acts each and every time they act up, or the teaching opportunity has been lost.   Whack them on the nose with the proverbial rolled up magazine at the time of the infraction, or it's as if it didn't happen.  Out of sight, out of mind.  They have no concept of themselves as  repeat offenders.   They have no concept of their chronic bull shit backing up until it reaches a tipping point.
 Then we look like selfish ingrates for railing over some incident that seems to amount to nothing.  
They say they can not heed objections that were never made.  One can't self correct  if one doesn't  know one needs correcting.
I call bull shit on this defense.  N parents wouldn't take the shit they ladle on us for two seconds. And they know this. You can't get me to believe they are so far away from the rest of humanity that they are oblivious to the ways they suck the life out of you.
We all have a line that can't  be crossed. Be it one despicable act, or that they have hammered and pecked at you a life time for the last time.  But cross that line, and I lose compassion and tolerance for them. 
If a parent wants to risk losing their child by crowding this grey area, let them step on their dicks and squander us. 
In my family there seemed to be an unspoken rule that no matter what my mother was into, there was always to be a soft place for her to fall. It would be nice if she could respond in kind.  
I spent my life over looking her actions. No matter how her actions impacted me.  In those days it was one adult to another, and I was just a luckless kid caught in the crossfire.  Insufferable as she may be, I was a spectator in her game.
This all changed in later years.  As time faded and she depleted her usual targets and took her savage amusement from me.
Who knows why malignant narcissist keep rolling the dice when what is at stake is their children. The odds are with the house. No one rolls and wins forever.
When we go no contact we regain our sense of being an "I."  And they become a child left alone in a house who knows they can now do anything they want, but find there isn't much they want to do. 
Narc's never  give get out of  jail free passes, so they shouldn't expect them.


Anonymous said...

I don't know why they keep on rolling the dice but boy do they ever! I am confused about a reaction from my NM. I posted some articles and a few jokes on my FB page about narcissistic behavior. My sister and I joked about the fact that though it made me feel better hoping she would see the posts she would never make the connection that it was about her! But when she saw the things I had posted she knew right away they were about her and she went nuts! I only had 4 people on my settings that could see the posts. I think she called my cousins wife and asked her if she could see the posts and she could not because she wasn't on the list. So now she thinks they were e-mailed to her! Anyway she said she was printing them out and taking them to the police! She lives in a small town and is friends with the local cops. She knows the posts came from my computer but she told my son she thinks my sister and her boyfriend (who my mother hates for no reason) did it using my computer! Then she calls my sisters's boss at work and tells him she thinks my sister used her work computer to post the articles. My sister was a former GC but now my mom is going after her full force. My confusion is why did she realize the articles were about her instead of thinking they were about someone else? Since she thinks she is perfect or her false self does anyway! She displays all the behaviors of a person with NPD yet in this case she knew the articles where posted for her to see and know that I was making a statement about her behavior!

q1605 said...

Man if I could answer your questions I would be writing a book on these guys and not blogging about my mother.

Jonsi said...

Anon - Your mother is narcissistic...not stupid. :o)

She understands thinly-veiled insults because she herself is probably a master at dishing them out. She also probably assumes that everyone is out for blood. She also sounds rather paranoid, which isn't far off the mark. Narcissists typically believe that, when given a choice, everyone will choose to treat him or her unkindly (because that's what THEY do, and they automatically think everyone else is the same way).

Besides all that...narcissists are clever (and sneaky). They aren't clever in a good way, but they are "clever" in the sense that they play sneaky games really, really well. She simply read through your passive-aggressive tactic.

I'd say, if you really want to say something to your mother about her behaviors, then say it straight to her face (or in writing...say it directly). Otherwise, why bother? It won't change her no matter how you say it, but at least if you say it directly, then you'll be acting assertively and it will be harder for her to use these ridiculous tactics on you.

q1605 said...

Well put Jonsi. Thanks!

Anonymous said...

I'm with Jonsi and q here. When you're an NP/MNP it's ALWAYS about them (even if it wasn't.) And you're learning some valuable lessons on the Tactics and Manipulative nature these "parents" are notorious for engaging in because it's part and parcel of who and what they're about. As Jonsi said, "Sneaky."

And Mon Dieu, check out her agenda-she's giving you a "pass" by blaming someone else, another family member/sis, anyone-who bears no responsibility here. "Paranoia Strikes Me...Into Your Life It Will Creep.." So let her bring her "concerns" to Law Enforcement. I can assure you they will placate her until she leaves and then they'll be using the finger-rotating-around-the-head response.

And BTW, check out the triangulating. Classic. One GC adult kid can "trade places" with a Black Sheep/Scapegoat in a heart-beat or less. You're being auditioned for the GC. And drawing your son and other family members into this situation is NOT OK. Regardless of his or their age.

Please remember, "Divide and Conquer" among siblings is practically a given. They do the same (it's a predictable pattern) to your offspring.

Calling ANY Adult Child's-or relatives-employer is waay, waaay over the line. FWIW, please remove you, sis and your son from this equation to the extent possible. If you involve them/acknowledge them in any way as the "Responsible Party" you're playin' their game.

You all can-and I trust will-back away from the drama, tough as it is when it's an ingrained part of your family dynamics. And please, if you have something to say to NM, SAY IT. Don't hide behind what ever or who ever. This is a disservice (minimally) to your experience and to the others you love. Fear keeps us from many honest revelations to ourselves and others. So they "leak out" in ways that do nothing to rectify the situation and betray what we KNOW.
Here's a bunch of hands reaching out to you and saying, "Yes. YOU can do this." By delaying the inevitable while others you love are hurt because of your Nmother's behavior has never 'worked' before.

It won't work now.

q1605 said...

Anon. To chime in with Jonsi. If you had posted them about somebody else she would have still thought they were about her.
At this stage NPD's are like a hurricane. You just have to ride them out.
It's up to you if you let yourself get in this kind of problem again, but for now you'll be taking what she's giving.

vicariousrising said...

Does this mean I get to whack my mother across her nose with a magazine? Goody!

I think I'll wait for the fall Vogue magazine to come out. That's usually good for extra ad pages on heavy weight paper.

q1605 said...

while you're waiting on that issue you could try using a shovel.

Anonymous said...

Yea I regret posting on FB because of all the trouble it caused everyone. It seemed like a good ideal at the time but I was just avoiding dealing with her in person. I am going NC with her but first telling her that I was the one who had the ideal to post on FB and it was just me! She already knows this but needs to hear it from me not that it will change anything! She really has crossed all the lines this time and I will not be able to have anything else to do with her and stay sane! Thank you for all the comments.I do fear how she will react and who she will try to hurt but she has left me no choice.

q1605 said...

You should be able to post any thing on Face book you want. This is more of their Stalin like tactics to wield their iron fist over the family. I found an interesting post on Lisette's House of Mirrors.
This is the first time I have seen anyone come right out and say it's as if the malignant narcissist is trying to snuff out the next generation.
That's what they act like. Like that line in Bob Marley's I shot the sheriff. Every time I plant a seed he say kill it before it grow.
So I shot I sh....
Excuse me. Got carried away there.
Be ready for some pretty jaw dropping stuff if you are planning to go no contact. I went NC before I had even heard of NPD.
Google devalue and discard.
Get ready for a smear campaign. They are shameless.
Remorseless. She'll wound you anyway she can.