Sunday, April 29, 2012

Liars




Transposing the rules of engagement of romantic relationships onto the way we interact with a disordered parent may seem out of line in the post-mortem of defunct family relationships, but it works well enough for me.  If we consulted friend's, or councilors, or life coaches, and told them about the lies and two faced bull shit we get from our malignant narcissist parent, but said it was from a significant other, they would tell us to cut and run. 
I am not sure why it should be any different receiving the same bullshit from a parent. Maybe the threshold for taking a walk might be a little higher for a family member,  but why should having blood ties with someone allow them to say and do whatever they want, and that we should sit around and take it?  
I'm tired of the people questioning my wisdom for cutting ties with my mother. You go live with the murdering hag if you like her so much. Leave me the fuck out of it.  The people that I hear that 
Blather- Skype from have never even met her. 

And that it's your family member doing the lying, makes the stakes are much higher. A lover can scorch your ass and leaving is the order of the day.  AND, you can expect to do with out all the chin music from outsiders.
But let it be a parent.... a parent who has made this a life long pattern, and you are supposed to sit there and take it. 
And let them unravel your life. 
Time and time again. 
And I suppose thank them for it. 
You've got two choices with a malignant narcissist. You can stick around for their abuse and like it. Or go no contact.
I say fuck'em. 
When a relationship is based on lies, there is no relationship. It's just lies.
AND!
I'll live in a refrigerator box before I'll subject myself to that shit ever again.  

16 comments:

upsi said...

"I'm tired of the people questioning my wisdom for cutting ties with my mother. You go live with the murdering hag if you like her so much. Leave me the fuck out of it. "

Boy you can sure turn a phrase, Q.

Spot-the-fuck-on!

q1605 said...

You crack me up. Miss upsi.

Anonymous said...

Anyone who wonders why you went NC doesn't know her. I think she has two categories for people. 1. people she butters up for future usage, 2. those she has already used and discarded.

Sis

q1605 said...

She's so transparent it makes me nauseous. How did we take it for so long?
With all due respect for children of these freaks. Our mother is so over the top it can't be described in words.

Lisa said...

Ooh, it's the elusive Upsi!

Anonymous said...

We took it so long because we were brainwashed into thinking we had to have family loyalty to her. Part of it may have been Granny's 'family before all else' motto which we heard non stop. I really didn't have much interaction with her as long as Granny was alive. But when she died then I guess you know who started turning to us as family more?

Anonymous said...

continuing.....

So basically it's hope that keeps you from totally blowing them off. That they'll change or be a parent.

Sis

q1605 said...

I got a newsflash for ya sis. Don't hold your breath.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, it's as if "you have to be present to win" because sometimes, words fail. But ohhhh noooo, others seems to feel it's their god-given right to "counsel" us (and here we are, ADULTS no less) regarding a relationship that was so incredibly brutal, so horribly malicious it's beyond their comprehension.

I GET that, OK? But please admit it's hard to know other people's lives. Show some humility. I'd like to see some humanity, but a bit of humility and suspended "judgement" will work for me. With the stalking etc. my psychobitch DID act like a "Spurned Lover" post NC. Which I find interesting considering she couldn't stand having me around, but couldn't stand having me leave even more. I guess if your arm or leg just got up and walked away/fell off somehow you'd chase after it too, no?! Considering I was clearly a prosthetic device at best in her world it's not like I couldn't be "replaced" by a newer, "improved" model. She did in her later years poach her SIL's kids-my cousins-much to their ever lasting regret. There's a world of difference between visiting once a year for a few days/week and having it parked on your living room couch into the indefinite future. After all, she's just a harmless old grey-haired lady, right?! OHHHH, my...
Fuckin' parasite. I truly do feel bad for my cousins and my Aunt. They had NO CLUE what they were getting into but it was with profound relief they dumped her off at the hospital to die. This was, of course after reaping all kinds of chaos and crazy in their lives despite their best efforts to pass her around the 8 of them like a prostitute at a FOB. Oh, and she had her own place but as my Aunt told me "She never spent a night alone." Of course not. She never PLANNED to!
TW

q1605 said...

Yeah TW. Our mother knew she had the deck stacked on me and sis so she yanked our chain hardest of all. But for really a short amount of time. We were so disposable to her that.....at least for me, that last conversation..the "that's not even the gun we used" convo was it.
No one disrespects the Barbarian and continues to live in the sunshine of her love.
Make that exist in the miasma of her polluted presence.
She didn't want us around and she got her wish.
She can buy new kids easier than she can make things right with her real ones

vicariousrising said...

I sometimes think these people pressuring us to play nice with our lousy parents have their own agendas they are trying to support through getting us to act like them. Such as, they are afraid their kids will drop them and/or they have looked the other way with their parents and need to believe that they not only did the holier thing, but that there aren't other repercussions for them stuffing their true feelings.

You're right -- if I described a friend or lover as doing the same stuff as what my parents pulled on me, they'd tell me to get the hell out of the relationship. I really don't understand how people can believe that in theory there are abusive parents, yet deny support to those who have been abused by their parents. These people become part of the problem.

q1605 said...

To them, in theory means people you see on Doctor Phil, not someone you know.

Anonymous said...

I think it's the baby boomer generation that got stuck with the worst parents. Before that everyone lived on the farm and it was an extended family living together. In the late 1940s and early 50s it switched to just mommy and daddy and baby. The parents had complete freedom to act out without the extended family knowing. Almost every person I know from that time frame had either abusive or alcoholic parents. And several of them were sexually molested by them. I don't think 'nuclear families' worked out well. -- Sis

Anonymous said...

Exactly. I understand my "Status" as an Estranged ADULT may well prick the anxieties of any parent and it's not something I advertise or discuss freely-except on these Blogs: It's painful, it's personal and clearly transgresses societal expectations.
However, so have these 'parents.' And yes, there ARE consequences for choices and behaviors for ALL of us. It appears the concept of "Evil" is an abstraction, not a mother/father/primary caretaker. It doesn't take a Ph.D to understand these people DO reproduce. Here we are. The huge power differential in a parent/child relationship is exploited to the max by these 'parents.' Often it seems the seeds of 'blame' to the world within the foo by the roles/"rules" and outside the foo have been sown long before we realized, often from our much younger years where we were characterized as "Difficult," "Overly-Sensitive" and PITAs in general. Consequently, our credibility (and sometimes our Credit Rating) has been tanked without our knowledge years before: Stories have been "spun," tales told, history rewritten so that opportunities for support and encouragement are foreclosed further ensuring the isolation of the abused. Additionally the secretive nature of so much of the abuse as part and parcel of the dynamics, the consummate acting abilities of the Parent-As-Perpetrator further enhance the 'status' or credibility of the Perp at the expense of the AC ensuring the AC is victimized all over again.
I am speaking here to my own experiences-each one of us have our own histories. In addition to the above, my psychobitch was a tremendous "planner" and her ability to conceptualize and operationalize a terror campaign was absolutely manifest by her 18 yrs. of post NC behavior and ended only with her death. It is abundantly clear to me she truly enjoyed her attempts to annihilate/destroy my adult life. The sadism became apparent when she made efforts to ensure I was aware, for example, of her illegal phone tap on my very unlisted phone. Her financial resources purchased any "service" she desired and my death would have been her final act of triumph if only she could have found a way to do so that would not be traced back to her. As I learned later she was still pursuing this "option." My late DH and the Risk Assessment Professionals who performed a review of the documentary evidence in my possession were well aware of how dangerous she was. The impetus for the Risk Assessment came about after my DH's death. I wanted some Professional with credibility to ensure if I died in a "tragic accident"/sudden death a forensic review would be conducted.
I'm so pleased with this technology available now; none of us will ever be unheard, alone, re-victimized or destroyed in ANY way without a "sister" or "brother" who "gets it," no questions asked. How I wish you all had been around years ago; how thankful I am you're here now. And if I haven't said "Thanks," THANKS!
TW

Anonymous said...

"And if I haven't said "Thanks," THANKS!"

Thanks for your always encouraging words, TW! (funny my initials used to be TW, also). For me I never talk about my parents. And I was thinking this morning that I really don't feel like I have or had any. When people ask me if my mother is alive I just say 'yes'. That is as much info as I've given about my parents in 30 years to people I meet.

Sis

q1605 said...

Um...what my sister said. I forgot that there was a time you were a TW.
But that is twue!