Monday, May 28, 2012

After No Contact

To come to terms with evil in one’s parentage is perhaps the most difficult and painful psychological task a human being can be called on to face. Most fail and so remain its victims. Those who fully succeed in developing the necessary, searing vision are those who are able to name it.

"People of the Lie" by M. Scott Peck 

The reason people go no contact and fail is the expectation that we'll get immediate relief from the abuse we suffered at the hands of our parents. When relief doesn't come come overnight, resolve is lost and back we go to the lessor of two evils.

Too many people settle for this twilight, rather than step up and take ownership of themselves.
Own what we all possessed before we were badgered into the thought that we aren't worth finding.
Doing things that make you feel good about yourself, and not doing things just because someone else's expects it of you.
This flies in the face of the disordered. And it makes them despise us.
This is what needs to be understood.
Your parents hate you. If one parent clamps down on everything that brings you joy in life, and the other parent allows it to happen, one parent is no better the the other.
And if you are reading this, they are both against you.
If you continue to allow crazy people to dictate the your engagement with the world, there is no hope.
There is no hope for finding romantic love.
There is no hope for bringing a new life to this world.
You will find your life passing you by and nothing to show from it but perpetual chaos.
 All we get is the infinite vote of no confidence.
These are not parents. These are a couple of misanthropes that only feel better if they know someone else is trampled under their feet.
They will not acknowledge this reality.
But they will turn everyone against you.
These obstinate actions are the true bench mark of their feelings.
And the one time reciprocity is called for.
They will watch their child leave before they will spend one second making amends.
They just can't be bothered.
This is them summing up what your life is worth.
This is them showing you exactly how much value they place on your existence.
I would rather die now and alone than to live forever with these soul sucking bastards.

After no contact, you will know this.
Every thing about them is a lie.
They don't give a shit about you.
They never gave a shit about you.
And as soon as you became an inconvenience they tossed you like a rag.
In the end they don't even bother to cover up their contempt for you.
It makes me furious.
I was robbed of all the obvious things a narcissist takes from us. The relationships they sabotage.  The crowding out and hogging of everything that is good. The complete hollowing out of what could have been a decent life.
And for what?
Was my mother just bored? Is that why she shoved every one under a bus?
And after decades in her pathology, she can't gin up one speck of humanity?
They are slot machines that never pay off.
If you are thinking of going no contact, it's for good reason. 
Do it now. 
Don't wait until it's too late.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Leave it to the Barbarian.

 No one has this last name anymore but me. 
If someone wants to stalk me, come on down,  I'll leave a light on for ya. Jobes main point of error for a reversal was that his confession was not given voluntarily. I don't think they had the kum bah yah  fest the detectives testified about here. I saw press photos of him after and it looks like they mirandized him with a sack of grapefruit. I don't care. He was the cock sucker that killed my Guinea pig by getting him drunk and throwing it in the shower. The first and last time Karma worked in my favor. 

January 13, 1971
Appeal from Dallas County
Roberts, Judge. Onion, Presiding Judge.
Author: Roberts; Onion
The conviction is for murder; the punishment, life.
The appellant contends that the trial court erred in holding that his oral confession was voluntarily made and that the fruits thereof were admissible in evidence as a matter of law.
Detective Preston Parks of the Dallas Police Department testified that on November 5, 1967 in connection with the murder case involving the death of Joe C. Williams he went to the intersection of Bondstone and Waterview Streets in Dallas, Texas across the street from a house owned by the Leslie Hart family. Then he and his partner, Detective George Thomason went to Denver, Colorado, where aided by the Denver police, they attempted to locate the Harts. The Harts were located in the town of Castle Rock, about 25 miles from Denver, and after a conversation with the Harts, the officers went back to Denver looking for a Willard Lee Jobe, who prior to talking with the Harts, Parks did not know of at all.
The officers, accompanied by the Harts, went directly to the Ramada Inn Motel in Denver where the officers determined that the appellant was not in his room. From a bellboy the officers obtained information about a restaurant at Syracuse and Colfax Streets in Denver.
Parks testified further that he approached the person who he identified as the appellant on a parking lot at Syracuse and Colfax Streets. The appellant was talking to two Denver detectives. Parks asked the appellant if he was Bill Jobe, and the appellant answered, "No, my name is Willard Jobe." Parks then said, "My name is Preston Parks and I'm a detective from the Dallas Police Department and I want to talk to you about the murder of Joe C. Williams." The appellant then told Parks that he did not know anything about Joe C. Williams. At that time the following conversation occurred:
"I (Parks) said that 'I have reason to believe that that thirty-two automatic of Barbara Hart might have been used to kill him' and he said, 'I'll tell you all about it,' and said, 'She didn't have anything to do with it,' and said, 'I'll tell you exactly what happened and I'll take you out there to the motel and get the gun.' And I said, 'We'll have to get that gun,' and he said, 'No, I'll take you out there.' And I said, 'No, we can't do that because you have certain rights.'"
Parks then gave the appellant the "Miranda" warnings,*fn1 and the appellant said, "You don't need a search warrant; I'll take you out there and show you where the gun is." Parks, the appellant, and the Denver officers then went to the parking lot of the appellant's motel where the appellant, after first reading it, signed a "waiver of a search warrant." At that time the officers, accompanied by the appellant, entered the motel room and the following transpired:
"Well, he opened the door and he went in a little bit ahead of us there and George Thomason, my partner, and I were a little bit behind him and he went to the dresser and said, 'It's in here.' And he reached for the dresser drawer to open it and my partner said, 'Hold on. Stand back and let my partner get it.' And he said, 'Well, it's in that drawer there.' And so he stepped back then and I opened the drawer and reached in and pulled out this thirty-two Biretta and there was a piece of clothing lying there and I could see that there was something else under it and I went to reach in there again and he said, 'Be careful, there's a forty-five there and it's loaded and there's one in the chamber,' and I took this cloth out and unrolled it and there was a key, a motel key, in there for room 212 from a motel here in Dallas and there was an envelope and it was sealed and on the outside was a name, Willard Jobe and Barbara Hart, written on it."
The appellant then told Parks that the Biretta pistol was Mrs. Hart's gun and that it was the gun he used to shoot Joe Williams along with other information that led to the recovery of the money the appellant took off Williams, the clothing worn by the appellant when he shot Williams, and the information that he had dumped Williams' briefcase in Lake Texoma.
Parks further testified that the appellant's statements were voluntary and were in no way induced by him, and that the appellant was not under arrest until he began making his statements to the officers and had said that he had committed a crime.
The testimony of Detective John E. Meritzky of the Denver, Colorado Police Department reflects that on November 5, 1967 he met officers Parks and Thomason of the Dallas Police Department at the parking lot of the Ramada Inn Motel in Denver, Colorado. After which they all went to the desk and asked if a Bill Jobe was registered there; they were informed there was a Jobe registered there, and they went and opened the room with a key. The officers then searched the room only to the extent of determining if Jobe was there. After leaving the room, the officers proceeded to where they had information that the appellant might be. Meritzky and Detective Hurlburt drove in one car and McCormick, Parks, and Thomason followed. At a parking lot they pulled up to the appellant sitting in an automobile. Hurlburt got out with his gun in his hand, and Meritzky had his badge in his hand as they opened the car door and frisked the appellant. Parks and Thomason arrived "a minute and a few seconds" later as the appellant was being frisked and Meritzky was searching the glove compartment. Prior to the arrival of Parks and Thomason the only conversation they had with the appellant was the asking of his name.
Meritzky testified further:

"A I heard Parks ask him if he was Bill Jobe and he said he was Willard Jobe and I was standing just adjacent to him and Parks showed his identification and badge and said he wanted to talk with him about a murder of a Mr. Williams and he said he didn't know anything about it and Parks said he had reason to believe that he did know something about it and he inquired about a gun that was used that was owned by a Mrs. Hart and the lad told him, 'I have the gun and I'll take you to it.'"
The appellant did not testify in his own behalf.
Testifying on behalf of the appellant, Ron Wilson, bellboy at the Denver Ramada Inn Motel, stated that when the officers first entered the appellant's motel room and determined that the appellant was not there he saw officers look into the drawers and discover two pistols, a.32 caliber and a.45 caliber. After determining that the appellant was not in the apartment and discovering the pistols, the officers said, "We'll leave things as they are and we'll go out and look for him; he's not here."
After a hearing outside the presence of the jury, the trial court found that the appellant's oral confession to Detective Parks was voluntary and was admissible, and in the court's charge submitted the voluntariness of the confession to the jury.
The state's evidence reflects that the appellant's voluntary statements made to Detective Parks led to the recovery of the murder weapon and the fruits of the crime. These statements were admissible as an oral confession under the provisions of Art. 38.22, V.A.C.C.P.; Rayford v. State, 423 S.W.2d 300 (Tex. Crim. App.); and Buchanan v. State, 453 S.W.2d 479 (Tex. Crim. App.).
According to Parks' testimony, the appellant's statements made prior to being warned were made in response to investigatory questions propounded prior to the appellant's arrest. The decision to arrest the appellant and take him into custody was made after the appellant's statements.
At the time the trial court admitted the appellant's oral statements the following occurred:
"The Court: Take this down, Mr. Reporter: "The Court finds that after hearing the testimony of Officer Preston Parks out of the presence and hearing of the jury, that under Article 3822, Section 1, subsection E, that this Defendant made an oral confession to Officer Parks compatible with and comparable to and in compliance with subsection E. The Court finds that the oral confession was voluntarily made and holds that it is admissible as a matter of law and fact and may be presented to the jury, at least in the voluntary aspect of the oral confession."
The court made and entered the following written order admitting said statements:
"The Court finds that after hearing the testimony of Officer Preston Parks, out of the presence and hearing of the jury, under Article 3822, Section 1, Section E that this defendant made an oral confession that is compatible with and comparable to and in compliance with Section E. Court finds that the oral confession was voluntarily made and that it is admissible as a matter of law and fact and may be presented to the jury at least in the voluntary aspect of the oral confession.
/s/ John Mead
JUDGE, Criminal District Court
No. 4 Dallas County, Texas"
The trial court did not reversibly err in admitting these statements in evidence. Rolan v. State, 170 Tex. Crim. 88, 338 S.W.2d 457; Glass v. State, 402 S.W.2d 173 (Tex. Crim. App.); Newhouse v. State, 420 S.W.2d 729 (Tex. Crim. App.).
The appellant's ground of error is overruled.
The judgment is affirmed.
by Judge Onion.
On rehearing appellant vigorously re-urges his claim that the trial court erred in holding his oral confession was voluntarily made and the fruits thereof admissible.
He contends that the recitation of the facts in the opinion on original submission supports his position and is at variance with the conclusion reached by this court.
Perhaps an explanation of what transpired at the trial will clarify the situation.
When the State commenced to elicit testimony from Officer Preston Parks as to appellant's oral confession, the jury, following objection, was removed. Thereafter a Jackson v. Denno,378 U.S. 368, 84 S. Ct. 1774, 12 L. Ed. 2d 908, type hearing was conducted. See Article 38.22, V.A.C.C.P. By virtue of Parks' testimony the State laid the predicate for the introduction of the oral confession. The witness Parks was then cross-examined at some length. At the conclusion of his testimony the State called no other witnesses, and the appellant called none nor did he take the stand for the limited purpose of testifying as to the voluntariness and admissibility of his oral confession. Having only Officer Parks' testimony before him, the trial judge found the confession to have been voluntarily given and admissible in evidence. The trial judge dictated his findings into the record, had the same reduced to writing and filed among the papers of the cause. Thereafter Parks was permitted to relate the oral confession to the jury.
Only after the oral confession was before the jury did Detective Meritzky of the Denver Police Department testify or did the appellant offer any witnesses.
In Lopez v. State, 384 S.W.2d 345 (Tex. Crim. App.), this court wrote:
"After a confession has been admitted in evidence to the jury, the defendant may still adduce evidence relating to its voluntariness, which evidence may be considered by the trial judge with other evidence on the issue of its voluntariness.
"If the trial judge concludes from all the evidence that the confession should not have been admitted, he will withdraw it. Otherwise the jury may and shall, upon request of the defendant, be instructed to the effect that they cannot consider the confession unless they believe beyond a reasonable doubt that it was voluntarily made."
It is obvious from the record that the trial judge did not conclude from the evidence offered after the confession was admitted that the confession should be withdrawn, and we find no request from the appellant that he do so.
The issue of voluntariness as raised by the evidence before the jury was submitted to them under instructions to which the appellant addressed no objections.
Remaining convinced this cause was properly decided on original submission, appellant's motion for rehearing is overruled.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Lord of the Flies.

I have the dubious distinction of knowing the most disordered slap fuck that has ever inflicted himself  on the unsuspecting masses.
Beyond the insanity of even my mother the Barbarian.
She is far more crazy, but at least she tries to hide it.
The OTHER malcontent in my life loves to drop his pants and press the ass cheeks of his insanity firmly against the windshield of the world. Party balloons for the crazy train.
 I have had the misfortune to occupy this douche bag's locus of control  for over a decade. And he has been a total asswipe since day one. He is sure that any one tangentially connected to me are all in league and have dedicated our lives to the undoing of his. Never mind how narcissistic this thinking is. And that the logistics of this would prevent league members from ever holding a steady job.
Like him.
He was never the least bit cordial. He presents with a pleasant demeanor about as often as Venus transits the sun. Even then, his smile is forced. His face awash with Nixonesque presidential debate flop sweat.
He revels in dispensing non-stop venom about all the things he hates in me. EVERY communication between him and the common denominator that keeps us in captured rotation begins with an inventory of the qualities that he thinks makes me a seriously damaged human being, and ends with how much he hates the way I lick stamps. The only time this person ever behaved himself was the time he needed help moving out of his apartment. So like the decent person I am, I helped, thinking it might be the beginning of some sort of friendly relationship. Yeah right!
As soon as his U-Haul crossed state lines the diatribes were back.
And I really wouldn't give a flying fuck.
But if I say as much as say boo to him, I get the 24/7 narcissistic enema and all the protests about him being attacked with no provocation. His keeping my head in a paint shaker for years is not admissible evidence in his court of one..
 Like a kid hypnotically flicking his lighter as he watches firemen battling a blaze, he can't imagine that  someone might see and recognize him for the erratic ass wipe that he really is. I have heard his dimwitted hate mongering for too long.  He says anything he wants, anytime he wants.  And I am supposed to step aside and let the big dog eat.
As if him proclaiming his meritorious conduct and virtue, while bemoaning the sad state of a world that allows a lamb like him to be led to slaughter by the likes of me, nullifies years of back biting, trash talking, and his lower than low class insults.
If ignoring his dumb ass got me anywhere, I would carry on as before. But he won't be ignored.
So if you want it, here it is. I'll bring it. I have your greatest hits compilation. Unhinged and raving.  Ten years worth.
If you need me to refresh your memory, I will be happy to.
Because I....... now choose to tell the world what a pathetic one nutted  loser ...YOU are.
Do you think sending me pictures of Billy Jack with captions telling me how you are going to kick my ass intimidates me?
Only a pussy lashes out at someone to run off and hide behind his mommies skirt.  Man up for once in your estrogen soaked life.  Don't bolster your words with ineffectual threats of police action and protracted court battles. If you could have me jailed you would.
 Between your incandescent hate for me, and your suicide blog threats du jour, it is you proving to be the danger to society.

The person who came up with the word queef, had to have been trapped in the seat next to you on an intercontinental flight.

You are the unwanted air in the vagina of the blog-o-sphere.

Tagged#  douchebagardlyNarcissympathypussydactel virusknicker sludge

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

The best way to tell how crazy they are.

 Are you still unsure of the magnitude of crazy you receive from the disordered person in your life? Cluster-B's possess an instinctive ability to gas light the people around them with such varying intensities that it will keep you off balance forever. I was never sure if she was the crazy one, or if it was me. She would get me  to the point of being convinced that she was crazy as a shit house rat, and then turn on the charm and make me feel horrible for ever thinking she was anything less than a saint.
What really separates a malignant narcissist from the garden variety ass hole, is their pathological inability to forget the smallest slight. No matter how relentless the battering from them that pushes us over the edge, confronting a cluster-B on their childish behavior is to have your actions thrown back in your face forever.
 Their actions are minimized away and soon forgotten. You're defense from them is reinforced and hyper-inflated. That you finally stood your ground is something they must punish you for. It changes the dynamic between you and the narcissist for all times. They will never forget. They will never forgive. The insult is in the eye of the narcissist. And the eye of the narcissist is critical and jaundiced.
Once a person begins to establish a healthy boundary between themselves and the narc, they are insulted merely because you exist.
For me, the one time I stood my ground with my mother was the beginning of the end.  My words  corrected nothing. She was back to her her same old self as soon as the conversation was over. I just gave her rages justification, and I gave her an all purpose excuse to become difficult.

My mother still swims bitter creek over HER mother giving away one of her dresses to the family of a girl that lived on a farm down the road. A family that was just this side of starving.
That was over 70 years ago. 
A home made dress sewed from cheap fabric.  She still works herself into a frenzy about it.  It would be entertaining in small doses. Hearing about the old days. But she is not recounting old times. She would rant about the conspiracy she endured and how her parents took what was hers without asking. She would smack the arm of her sofa over and over about how they stole her dress.
 Any situation in which she has to give the slightest concession infuriates her. Because the barbarian doesn't concede. She only takes what she wants. If she ever gave something away,  it was because someone stood over her and forced her to be gracious.

Monday, May 14, 2012

E-mail quote from my sister.

“In the first place, good people are rarely suspicious; they cannot imagine others doing the things they themselves are incapable of doing; usually they accept the undramatic conclusion as the correct one, and let matters rest there. Then, too, the normal are inclined to view the killer as the one who’s as monstrous in appearance as he is in mind, which is about as far from the truth as one could well get. He paused and then said that these monsters of real life usually looked and behaved in a more normal manner than their actually normal brothers and sisters: they presented a more convincing picture of virtue than virtue presented of itself—just as the wax rosebud or the plastic peach seemed more perfect to the eye, more what the mind thought a rosebud or a peach should be than the imperfect original from which it had been modeled.”
― William March

Friday, May 11, 2012

From Cleckley's "Mask of Sanity."

You can download the whole book here at no charge.
This excerpt covers the promiscuous behavior of my mother the Barbarian

Entanglements which go out of their way to mock ordinary human sensibility or what might be called basic decency are prevalent in a psychopath's sexual careers. To casually "make" or "lay" the best friend's husband and to involve a husband's uncle or one of his business associates in a particularly messy triangular or quadrilateral situation are typical acts. Such opportunities, when available, seem not to repel but specifically to attract the psychopath. Neither distinct appeal of the sex object nor any formulated serious malignity toward those cuckolded or otherwise outraged seems to be a major factor in such choices. There is more to suggest a mildly prankish impulse such as might lead the ordinary man to violate small pedantic technicalities or dead and preposterous bits of formality as a demonstration of their triviality.
Sexual exploits often seem chosen almost purposively to put the subject himself, as well as others, in positions of sharp indignity and distastefulness. The psychopath who goes through legal matrimony with the whore he has picked up for the evening furnishes a clear example. And so does the well-born woman who submits to several men in rapid succession, none of whom takes the least trouble to conceal his contempt for her. I have seen psychopaths who seriously attempted to seduce sisters, son-in-laws, and even their actual mothers. One boasted to his wife in glowing detail of his erotic feats with her mother and with his own. His excellent talents at lying lead me to doubt the truth of his claims. I have little doubt, however, that he would have hesitated to carry out all that he boasted of if the ladies had allowed him to proceed.
Beneath his outwardly gracious manner toward women and his general suavity
and social charms, the male psychopath (or part psychopath) nearly always shows an underlying predilection for obscenity, an astonishingly ambivalent attitude in which the amorous and excretory functions seem to be confused. He sometimes gives the impression that an impulse to smear his partner
symbolically, and even to wallow in sordidness himself, is more fundamental than a directly erotic aim, itself hardly more to him than a sort of concomitant and slightly glorified back scratching.
You really ought to download this book. It's free and it's very good. Here is how it starts:

A millionaire notable for his eccentricity had an older and better balanced brother
who, on numerous fitting occasions, exercised strong persuasion to bring him under
psychiatric care.  On receiving word that this wiser brother had been deserted
immediately after the nuptial night by a famous lady of the theatre (on whom he had
just settled a large fortune) and that the bride, furthermore, had, during the brief
pseudoconnubial episode, remained stubbornly encased in tights, the younger hastened
to dispatch this succinct and unanswerable telegram:

Thursday, May 10, 2012

" Transactional Analysis."

If the disordered person in your life is really over the top, I suggest checking out a book called "Games People Play." It's about something the author Eric Berne calls "Transactional Analysis". He says that interpersonal relationships are a series of transactions.
It's really the first bit of writing I've seen  that captures the essence of  the Barbarian.
Chapter 9, Sexual Games, breaks down what she is all about. All of her handsy and grabsy bullshit. All of her strutting whilst she sits in her chair.  How she could act a disgusting fool in a room full of people and think all people see is a delightful human being.
She was even worse when no one was looking. When I say no one, I mean no one of consequence. She did what ever she wanted in front of her kids. Even if we had a death wish and fronted her out, she would have lied and flirted her way out of any repercussions.

Berne breaks sexual games into four categories.
1) Lets you and him fight.
2) Perversion
3) Rapo
4) The stocking game

These games are played to exploit sexual impulses.  My mother is a master. The satisfying result of her sexual games was not the commission of the act, but the payoff after.  Berne prefaces his words with the acknowledgement that clinical studies are dependent on here-say, and subject to self report bias. I happen to have the dubious distinction of watching these games played, as they were played, and even though I was a child, I have full recall of everything.
Let's you and him fight:
 Mostly feminine and the basis of much of the world's literature. The woman maneuvers two men into a fight. Winner take the chick. If the wrong man wins,  it can lead to a game from another chapter called, "Lets pull a fast one on Joey."  Which is self explanatory.
Perversion:   As perverse as she acted, my mother was void of any off kilter sexual impulse. Her delight was taken from the tormented faces of the survivors, man, woman, and child,  of each new holocaust she inflicted on the guilty and the luckless.
Rapo:  This was mom's big default. I heard her say she was raped so many times it flies in and out the other. Knowing her like I do, and knowing her like only one other person on earth knows her, it was dismissed out of hand. You can't rape the willing. She pulled this one out for every time she got caught with her knickers down.
She claimed her murder was committed in self defense. As in one boyfriend killed the other because he was trying to rape her. I won't go into all the things that prove it contrary. Starting with them shooting the guy in the back, at a dead run, some fifty yards away, and then dumping the guy out on the road. To why she was 1500 hundred miles from where she should have been and and and..........
The worst Rapo, called third degree, leads to courtrooms, murder, and suicide. Let me see.
Check check and mmmmmmmmmmmmmm check.
Stocking game: Where a woman is in a room with other couples and tarts herself around until she starts other couple's fighting. Which rounds her to home plate.
I am not going to pontificate on someone else's work. I am suggesting to check this book out. If the source of your turmoil is really unhinged. If you know someone whose whole existence is based on head fucking every one they get around this book will go a long way to sorting this out. He covers all the favorite nut bags and some you haven't heard about.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Something in the Air

Lady Nancy Astor:  Mr. Churchill, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea !
Winston Churchill: And if you were my wife, I would drink it !

As out of step with humanity as a personality disordered person is, the most befuddling trait is their pathological lack of humor. They have no sense of irony or wit. Parody flies right over their head.
 I saw my mother laugh only one time.  I was driving her across town when some battleaxe rolled down her  window to give me shit about the way I was driving. I began gesticulating wildly at her and this prompted her to roll her window back up with out speaking a word. My mother thought that was the greatest thing. That is the only time I have seen her laugh.
She can go days with out smiling. Her face is like ice.
To be so out of touch with my own reality that having a self deprecating laugh can't be processed would suffocate me. It would be like living in a world without the fairer sex. It's as much a part of me as drawing a breath. I am the straight man to the world's never ending punch line.
I can't imagine spending my life combing the words of others for insults. To analyze every sentence so I can  be sure that some one didn't slip one by me. So much so that I sacrifice the moment. It makes no sense. I can't contemplate myself with that kind of gravity.
I am an attention whore, but I don't surround myself with myself.  Not at the expense of every one and everything. How can you meet someone and fall in love? Is a night out ruined because they are calculating the tab to make sure they pay for only the drinks they consume? How do they split cab fare?
Are they born this way?
Does it make them look cool?
I know the blank stares from my mother. She wastes no time enjoying a moment just for that moment. Her only pursuit is the next confrontation.
Their hair trigger for offense is sickening.
In the wind down days of my tenure at her house, I was forced to limit conversation to the immediate transaction. That's how it ended. What do you want to eat? Do you need anything from the store?
Any more provoked her anger. Any less provoked her anger.
Why are they such angry people? I understand selfishness. But their desire to control a person is just creepy. I don't think they understand what they do. By meeting every interaction with anger, they instill that walking on egg shells feeling in us that allows them to manipulate. But it can't last. They think it is their god given right and they can't comprehend us as separate entity's.
With the 24/7 analysis of each and every word, they don't give one thought to how their lashing out effects us. They are way too busy and way to sensitive to externals to give a seconds thought to us.
And I am genuinely sorry for the way things turned out. I would have given any thing to maintain some sort of relationship with my mother. But she wasn't having it. She never looked far enough in front of her to give the people who loved her the smallest consideration about their wants and needs. I can live with things being all about someone else. With the elderly it is the nature of the beast. But she was consuming me from the inside out.
I always hated my mother. But my love for her was larger than the hate. It's such a fine line. That line between love and hate. That wasn't good enough for her. She wanted her half out of the middle. I won't lose myself for anyone. I made my self as small as I could make me. And she wanted me even smaller.
And when she wanted me smaller it was time to be over.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

More Reasons for No Contact.


My mothers disorder is built upon a foundation of poor self esteem, and non-existent coping skills. She is totally impulsive, and long ago lost touch with the emotions that are the driving force behind her acting out. I know she consciously knows she does what she does. I know she knows she commits  the acts that drive people away from her. But her giddy love of being an unbridled trouble maker, and her well honed skills at lying, and self deception send the rational thought that governs  normal people into the same black hole that devoured her long ago.
Her foremost maladaptive coping skill is her ever present projection.  I see it in her, and I see it in every other pathologically disordered person I encounter.  It is the back bone of her prejudice, her jealousy,  and a her grand slam of injustice collecting. If she believes there is some injustice suffered from each person in her life, it allows her to rationalize, and justify the way she manipulates and betrays us all.
In her world she is never wrong. I have never seen her cop to a mistake. I have never seen her apologize.  I have never heard a word of deference or contrition cross her lips. Not once. She is remorseless, guiltless, and endowed with zero empathy. 
She cries foul at the smallest affront. Even after she has relentlessly badgered the person who she feels slighted her.  She is the judge, jury, and family relationship executioner. With her last will and testament, she banishes any person from the kingdom she feels is disloyal.  She is a hyper vigilant bitch and sets the offense bar low. A less that enthusiastic phone conversation will get a person written out of her will. She trusts no one. Not her friends. Not her children. Not anyone. She only feels secure in her relationships with people by subjecting them to total domination and subordination again and again.
She believes she is morally superior to every one. Even in the face of the damning evidence of her unspeakable crimes, her abhorrent treatment of those nearest too her, and her shameless hogging and spoiling of every thing worthwhile.  When confronted with an incontrovertible fact of her actions, she will deny it until she turns blue.  There has never been a second of introspection on her part. She is too busy keeping score on every one else. We must always remember she is perfect. And if that confuses the issue, we must always remember she is perfect.
Any infractions on my part, will be revisited over and over. Until my world is is absorbed into hers, and their is nothing left but pixie dust. In prison there is early release and a chance of parole. This is something you will never be afforded because ......because you just won't. Take it from me. The more you loose yourself in your malignant narcissist, the less of you there is to salvage. When they take a bite out of your soul, it stays bitten. 
Her hypocrisy is stupefying. She argues her ass backwards logic until you let her have her way. No matter how stupid she looks and how stupid sounds. A person engaged with her will sense the looming event horizon of her black hole of imbecility and let her have her way, rather than lose themselves  in her morass of head fucking. Not having the self awareness to recognize what she hates in others is what she is, she isolates herself with a self reinforcing loop of bitterness and patronizing condescension, that assures her a lonely and miserable ending, to a lonely and miserable life.  
If you are still in the grips of an malignant narcissist. Do yourself a favor and get out. They ALWAYS end up putting you/me in a position of having to make a choice of leaving for good, or losing yourself to them forever more. If they are that bad..... if they are bad enough that you think about going no contact on a regular basis,  just get it over with. It took me so long to realize that normal parent child relationships are not fraught with thoughts of walking out forever. Those thoughts are not a component of a normal loving relationship. We just don't know any better. There's no harm in ignorance.  Not when it is all we know.
I wasn't around my mother enough growing up to see her for what she is. It took me 50 years to figure out she is a monster.  And as soon as I did I terminated the relationship.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Rantifabricus Rex

If attracting internet stalkers like turds draw flies equals internet achievement, color me successful. 
There are shit buckets full of google stalking, random clicking, unbalanced lunatics, passing through the blog-o-sphere like wayward comets. They spread their dumb-assery wherever they go, and they are always looking for new ways to take offense. If you cross their frequency you can get their stink on you like stepping in dog shit. 
They do all the things that you would expect a wing nut to do. Carpet bomb blog posts with profanity laced comments.  Then ease off and  temper their words to try and lull their way through. Ignore them there, and they begin e-mailing you personally and sending lame attempts to phish for your pass word so they can hack into your personal e-mail account. Like this;

Dear Member,
We found out that your AOL login information's records are out of date.
This requires an update of your login information.
Please take several minutes from your online experience and update your login.
Please update your login right now.
As you have updated your account login your AOL
session will not be interrupted.
Please click the link below to update your login:
Click here. (I disabled the link)
Thanks for using AOL,
The AOL Member Services Team

There is no investigation department.  And aol never asks for your login info.

And this;

Dear Valued AOL Member,

We apologize for the inconvenience but recently when attempting to bill your standard fee for your AOL service on your current method of payment the transaction was declined. Possible reasons for this may be the current method of payment has expired or has reached its maximum limit.

In order to continue your AOL service uninterrupted please go to the link provided here to proceed to the AOL member services center.
 Within 24 hours of AOL receiving this billing update from the customer you will be sent a verification letter confirming the change.

If this is not complied with we will have no choice but to terminate the account within 72 hours of this email being sent.

Joe Torelli, Advisor of
the AOL Billing Center
With Regards,

There is no Joe Torelli with AOL. I checked. They are interested in who is fobbing themselves off as an official.

Like we would fall for the ruse.

Crazies will fixate on one particular blog and decide it is all about them. They think that there are hidden meanings encrypted and woven into the lines of text.  As if they are the internet CSI, and the blog is a verbal jigsaw puzzle only they can decipher and piece together.
They read posts over and over and over until a pattern emerges and some hidden message coalesces before their eyes.  Like  bloggers have created a whole universe of invasive slights aimed directly at them and it's just waiting to be deciphered.  They become a self reinforcing loop of babble ship lunacy. I could get one of my stalkers committed to an involuntarily 72 hour psyche observation if I wanted to document his crapola and notify authorities.
It matters not that people blog about things that have an immediate impact on their life. To the stalker that's a red herring to throw them off the scent of the real intent. Which is to drag out their deepest and darkest secrets and expose them to the world for the unhinged drooling lunatics they really are.
What are you hiding?
You of the lunatic fringe.
You guys doth protest too much me thinks.
No blogger need point you out.
You drip insanity like flop-sweat.
This blog is not the Huffington Post.
No one has found the bodies in the crawl space under your house.
Why would I waste my time on you?
Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are a little crazy.
I made a blood pact with myself.. I will never record anything in spoken word and upload it to this blog. If one of these guy's ever download's streaming audio of me, and plays it in reverse, I am doomed. We all know what happened after Charles Manson listened to Helter Skelter backwards.