Monday, May 28, 2012

After No Contact


To come to terms with evil in one’s parentage is perhaps the most difficult and painful psychological task a human being can be called on to face. Most fail and so remain its victims. Those who fully succeed in developing the necessary, searing vision are those who are able to name it.

"People of the Lie" by M. Scott Peck 


The reason people go no contact and fail is the expectation that we'll get immediate relief from the abuse we suffered at the hands of our parents. When relief doesn't come come overnight, resolve is lost and back we go to the lessor of two evils.

Too many people settle for this twilight, rather than step up and take ownership of themselves.
Own what we all possessed before we were badgered into the thought that we aren't worth finding.
Doing things that make you feel good about yourself, and not doing things just because someone else's expects it of you.
This flies in the face of the disordered. And it makes them despise us.
This is what needs to be understood.
Your parents hate you. If one parent clamps down on everything that brings you joy in life, and the other parent allows it to happen, one parent is no better the the other.
And if you are reading this, they are both against you.
If you continue to allow crazy people to dictate the your engagement with the world, there is no hope.
There is no hope for finding romantic love.
There is no hope for bringing a new life to this world.
You will find your life passing you by and nothing to show from it but perpetual chaos.
 All we get is the infinite vote of no confidence.
These are not parents. These are a couple of misanthropes that only feel better if they know someone else is trampled under their feet.
They will not acknowledge this reality.
But they will turn everyone against you.
These obstinate actions are the true bench mark of their feelings.
And the one time reciprocity is called for.
They will watch their child leave before they will spend one second making amends.
They just can't be bothered.
This is them summing up what your life is worth.
This is them showing you exactly how much value they place on your existence.
I would rather die now and alone than to live forever with these soul sucking bastards.



After no contact, you will know this.
Every thing about them is a lie.
They don't give a shit about you.
They never gave a shit about you.
And as soon as you became an inconvenience they tossed you like a rag.
In the end they don't even bother to cover up their contempt for you.
It makes me furious.
I was robbed of all the obvious things a narcissist takes from us. The relationships they sabotage.  The crowding out and hogging of everything that is good. The complete hollowing out of what could have been a decent life.
And for what?
Was my mother just bored? Is that why she shoved every one under a bus?
And after decades in her pathology, she can't gin up one speck of humanity?
Really?
They are slot machines that never pay off.
If you are thinking of going no contact, it's for good reason. 
Do it now. 
Don't wait until it's too late.






26 comments:

Anonymous said...

It helps if you tell yourself they're dead. I've had myself so convinced over the years that it was true that when someone would ask me if my mother was alive, I had to stop and think about it.

Sis

vicariousrising said...

I was no contact for several years and then I got the idiotic idea that I could be the better person (I tried to swallow all that "forgiveness is good for you" nonsense). It was an epic fail, but the upside is the ugliness of my parents was no longer defensible. It freed me for cutting ties that bound me to slavery.

q1605 said...

I get it. If I think too long about things I feel like that guy that has been feeding a slot machine all night long and is now broke and hung over and feeling foolish for not going back to his room hours ago like he promised himself he would.

Anonymous said...

true, it's about setting boundaries for yourself. So and so dominated your life for x amount of years and now you have to set the boundary so they can't take over the rest of your life. And part of it is thinking about what makes you happy and not them.

Sis

Lisa said...

Oh, Homer

Jonsi said...

"The one time reciprocity is called for they would rather watch their children leave forever than to waste one second making amends."

A million times yes on this one. I've been pondering how DH's parents have actually put so little effort in getting him back. They aren't even trying to manipulate him all that much, which is a relief, don't get me wrong, but it's also sad.

Anonymous said...

They already disowned me long ago before I went nc. I don't exist to them nor have I heard from them in years. So I finally had to give myself permission to disown them. Even if it is the whole family.

Because I have a conscience, it's been hard to do but it's the only thing you can do.They leave you no choice. They had already moved on with their pathetic lives without me long before I went nc.

So for me it is getting them out of your head. Which means, they don't exist and I never had a family.

Anonymous said...

jonsi, I can relate and it is mind boggling how they can treat their own kids like this.But I guess when you don't have a conscience, anything you do vile towards others won't bother you. And being that I have one, I just cannot relate...

vicariousrising said...

That book by Peck had a lot of good stuff in it, although I wish he'd saved the whole back section on exorcisms for a different book. I though it derailed the earlier part by wandering off into occult.

Anonymous said...

"It makes me furious."
Well we should feel furious. Whether the 'parents' response to terminating the relationship was one of essential indifference or a public all-out scorched earth warfare toward the AC, the reality is the behavior gives the 'parents' away. Once again.
And they'll scream like stuck pigs to anyone who'll listen about their "ungrateful brats" while concurrently absolving themselves of any responsibility. Oh, yes they "may have made mistakes." Perhaps they "Gave (the child) TOO much!" Where oh where is the "Respect?" they wail as they spout such other gems as "Honor Your Father and Mother." They SAY they'll do "Anything" to repair the relationship while concurrently D&D-ing the AC. From "template/boiler-plate" letters to over-the-top protestations regarding how they "don't UNDERSTAND how (the AC) could DO THIS TO MEEE!" it all comes back to the same issue: THEM and their transparent protestations of lack of culpability in their failure to fulfill their primary role obligation as a Parent. After all, "It takes two to tango" while conveniently forgetting the relationship between a parent and a child has never been one of equals. The Power Differential has historically been tipped in favor of the parent which they shamelessly exploited and used to terrorize their kids. The reality is "The Problem" IS them and their lack of genuine care, concern, love and interest in their child throughout that child's life.
Their behavior unquestionably demonstrates what we've known for years: NO, they DON'T care. NO, they never DID care. Once you cease to be a "Prop" to "The Perfects" or some other form of Supply your utility is that of a used kleenex at best. Your 'value' was never about YOU nor could it be; they have no clue or interest in who you are beyond your usefulness at any given moment in their never-ending agenda to preen before their faux reflection in the mirror of their offspring. Invariably, we'd fail to reach their arbitrary or unrealistic expectations once again.
Once the AC/'Mirror' has reached the point of NC it's over. Period the end. The loss of hope, the full implications of a childhood-and often adulthood-spent in fruitless attempts to secure something as primal as parental love. Even more predictably once again the roles become reversed: The child who has spent years being victimized is again re-victimized in every possible way. No wonder it feels familiar; it's the story of that AC's life up to the point when the AC stops overtly colluding in the Narc/Sociopath's agenda.
Nowhere does this dynamic become more spectacularly manifest than when the AC walks away forever. At that point, the 'parent' is for all practical purposes dead: They dug their own graves over decades of abuse.
The "service" has been concluded.The AC has finally left the Cemetery, that place of relentless soul murder present since their birth.
TW

q1605 said...

Boy that's adding insult to injury. When the fuck-tards say they gave too much and that they have spoiled you.

q1605 said...

Vicarious. I think Peck might have met my mother so we must give him a pass if he wandered down the exorcism path.

Anonymous said...

Vicariousrising, If I went back to them after all these years, their treatment of me would be worse than before. Was this your experience?

vicariousrising said...

Anon, it was both worse and not at the same time.

It was not as bad because my mother is cowed by my husband and she also knows that I am willing to speak out if I don't like her behavior. Also, during this period she desperately needed me for a project she wanted to see put out in the world, so that kept her in line... to a point.

The problem came where it became clear that I was not going to just swallow her nonsense whole or praise her work to high heaven, so she alternated between trying to kiss my ass, crying to my father for me being mean (and him chastising me), arguing with illogic and paranoia to finally reaming me out for being a nasty bitch that she had a laundry list of resentments towards.

However, one way it was significantly worse was in that she showed no appreciation that I actually did come back and made an effort to make nice (my dad either, for that matter). She shit all over me anyway, so she didn't learn anything from me being away. But then, narcissists never learn and she probably thought I came back because I learned MY lesson.

So, it's hard for me to measure except to say that it was less difficult for me in that I was no longer a child and had the ability to see that her behavior had less to do with me than I had thought when I was little. On the other hand, it was shocking to have each of her crazy acts actually register as crazy, whereas before I thought I was the crazy one.

Q ~ I laughed my ass off about your comment that Peck must've met your mother. Too bad no one's tried an exorcism on her.

Adela Alba said...

Oh I definitely hate that "gave them too much" crap, the demands for respect, and the whole "selfish me generation" accusations I see on estranged parent sites. Bull-fucking-shit. They gave what they WANTED to give, not what we NEEDED to be given. They are completely incapable of taking another person's perspective and accepting the subjective experiences of another person. Just like small children.

The sad thing is though, I don't doubt my mother's experience was very different from mine. I don't doubt that she felt she loved me, felt she was giving me love, and so on. What she refuses to recognize is that MY experience was NOT the same. Hm, maybe I should make my next blog post be about that.

Anonymous said...

What bothers me about that stupid estranged parents web site is how many people will actually believe the crap that they say.

q1605 said...

Why do estranged parents feel the need to have some sort of leader like a cult?
They won't make a move without checking with Dr. Coleman.
So this makes whatever gesture they decide to make as contrived and manipulative as the relationship that drove us away from them in the first place.
If their hearts were not so black and empty they would have no need to outsource a way to present themselves as human.

vicariousrising said...

The estranged parents groups need to bolster each other up in the face of their ineptitude. What sticks in my craw is when they take credit for what they perceive as our good qualities and blame everything but themselves for our bad qualities. Parenting isn't an a la carte menu people!

Anonymous said...

"NO, they DON'T care. NO, they never DID care. Your 'value' was never about you."

that's true, your value can never be about you to them because they just see everyone as an extension of themselves, giving them gratification as needed, like a blankie to a kid.

Sis

Anonymous said...

Was thinking that most of the N stuff is about wanting to be omnipotent. They think if they have enough money, attention, praise, control over other peoples' lives, etc. that they won't be vulnerable and human, because down deep they fear death and ego annihilation so they go around annihilating everyone else's ego in some kind of survival of the fittest competition. Until they can feel their own vulnerability they won't change.

Sis

Grammar Dude said...

Dude,

"their" tragedy. Not - "thier" tragedy. No biggie, easy typing mistake to make. Just thought you would want to fix.

-Grammar Dude

q1605 said...

Thanks for the heads up grammar dude. I'll fix it asap. I gotta find it first. But find it I will.

q1605 said...

Sis. As far as looks go, the battle ax barbarian shot passed the crypt keeper's sell be date years ago. If she ain't feeling her vulnerability by now it ain't happening

q1605 said...

HA HA grammardude. It's the most glaring f up that is the hardest to see. I pasted that from somewhere and never looked back.
Thanks for the heads up oh masked crusader.

Anonymous said...

Sis,
Just an observation re: Introspection and the Legacy Stage of Life: These parents die the way they lived. There is NO introspection as they lack the capacity, so facing death doesn't change a thing. As they age they get worse in every way if possible.
My Aunt is a poetess, a "word-smith." She chooses her words with care. She told me my psychobitch "went to her death valiantly." Interesting word, no? Psychob had no relationship with her FOC and poached on her SIL's (Aunt's) Adult Children in her last years as she had no one else left in the immediate vicinity who would engage with her on ANY level. (Big Surprise there!) There was NO introspection, accountability, desire to remediate or even ownership of her behavior towards those she had harmed, etc.- nada, zip, zilch. I felt so sorry for my Aunt and my adult cousins who resided quite a distance away from psychobitch: They had no clue what they were getting into and I'm certain they'll "pass" should such an 'opportunity' present itself in the future!
TW

q1605 said...

Yeah TW. Me and the sibling unit are the last living family relics except for a younger one that shall remain nameless and will be kept the hell away from her if I can help it. All others are dead.
So she has ostracized the last two old timers. We won't have anything to do with her.
Yet all her energy is expended in making us look like the defective ones to outsiders. Even at the cost of limiting her options and her quality of life for the future. It's so much more fun to paint her kids as bastards than to humble herself and say maybe it's me.
And you among all others that come here know how obvious it is that she is the one that has ripped this family to shreds.