My mothers disorder is built upon a foundation of poor self esteem, and non-existent coping skills. She is totally impulsive, and long ago lost touch with the emotions that are the driving force behind her acting out. I know she consciously knows she does what she does. I know she knows she commits the acts that drive people away from her. But her giddy love of being an unbridled trouble maker, and her well honed skills at lying, and self deception send the rational thought that governs normal people into the same black hole that devoured her long ago.
Her foremost maladaptive coping skill is her ever present projection. I see it in her, and I see it in every other pathologically disordered person I encounter. It is the back bone of her prejudice, her jealousy, and a her grand slam of injustice collecting. If she believes there is some injustice suffered from each person in her life, it allows her to rationalize, and justify the way she manipulates and betrays us all.
In her world she is never wrong. I have never seen her cop to a mistake. I have never seen her apologize. I have never heard a word of deference or contrition cross her lips. Not once. She is remorseless, guiltless, and endowed with zero empathy.
She cries foul at the smallest affront. Even after she has relentlessly badgered the person who she feels slighted her. She is the judge, jury, and family relationship executioner. With her last will and testament, she banishes any person from the kingdom she feels is disloyal. She is a hyper vigilant bitch and sets the offense bar low. A less that enthusiastic phone conversation will get a person written out of her will. She trusts no one. Not her friends. Not her children. Not anyone. She only feels secure in her relationships with people by subjecting them to total domination and subordination again and again.
She believes she is morally superior to every one. Even in the face of the damning evidence of her unspeakable crimes, her abhorrent treatment of those nearest too her, and her shameless hogging and spoiling of every thing worthwhile. When confronted with an incontrovertible fact of her actions, she will deny it until she turns blue. There has never been a second of introspection on her part. She is too busy keeping score on every one else. We must always remember she is perfect. And if that confuses the issue, we must always remember she is perfect.
Any infractions on my part, will be revisited over and over. Until my world is is absorbed into hers, and their is nothing left but pixie dust. In prison there is early release and a chance of parole. This is something you will never be afforded because ......because you just won't. Take it from me. The more you loose yourself in your malignant narcissist, the less of you there is to salvage. When they take a bite out of your soul, it stays bitten.
Her hypocrisy is stupefying. She argues her ass backwards logic until you let her have her way. No matter how stupid she looks and how stupid sounds. A person engaged with her will sense the looming event horizon of her black hole of imbecility and let her have her way, rather than lose themselves in her morass of head fucking. Not having the self awareness to recognize what she hates in others is what she is, she isolates herself with a self reinforcing loop of bitterness and patronizing condescension, that assures her a lonely and miserable ending, to a lonely and miserable life.
If you are still in the grips of an malignant narcissist. Do yourself a favor and get out. They ALWAYS end up putting you/me in a position of having to make a choice of leaving for good, or losing yourself to them forever more. If they are that bad..... if they are bad enough that you think about going no contact on a regular basis, just get it over with. It took me so long to realize that normal parent child relationships are not fraught with thoughts of walking out forever. Those thoughts are not a component of a normal loving relationship. We just don't know any better. There's no harm in ignorance. Not when it is all we know.
I wasn't around my mother enough growing up to see her for what she is. It took me 50 years to figure out she is a monster. And as soon as I did I terminated the relationship.