Saturday, May 5, 2012

More Reasons for No Contact.

                                                                           

My mothers disorder is built upon a foundation of poor self esteem, and non-existent coping skills. She is totally impulsive, and long ago lost touch with the emotions that are the driving force behind her acting out. I know she consciously knows she does what she does. I know she knows she commits  the acts that drive people away from her. But her giddy love of being an unbridled trouble maker, and her well honed skills at lying, and self deception send the rational thought that governs  normal people into the same black hole that devoured her long ago.
Her foremost maladaptive coping skill is her ever present projection.  I see it in her, and I see it in every other pathologically disordered person I encounter.  It is the back bone of her prejudice, her jealousy,  and a her grand slam of injustice collecting. If she believes there is some injustice suffered from each person in her life, it allows her to rationalize, and justify the way she manipulates and betrays us all.
In her world she is never wrong. I have never seen her cop to a mistake. I have never seen her apologize.  I have never heard a word of deference or contrition cross her lips. Not once. She is remorseless, guiltless, and endowed with zero empathy. 
She cries foul at the smallest affront. Even after she has relentlessly badgered the person who she feels slighted her.  She is the judge, jury, and family relationship executioner. With her last will and testament, she banishes any person from the kingdom she feels is disloyal.  She is a hyper vigilant bitch and sets the offense bar low. A less that enthusiastic phone conversation will get a person written out of her will. She trusts no one. Not her friends. Not her children. Not anyone. She only feels secure in her relationships with people by subjecting them to total domination and subordination again and again.
She believes she is morally superior to every one. Even in the face of the damning evidence of her unspeakable crimes, her abhorrent treatment of those nearest too her, and her shameless hogging and spoiling of every thing worthwhile.  When confronted with an incontrovertible fact of her actions, she will deny it until she turns blue.  There has never been a second of introspection on her part. She is too busy keeping score on every one else. We must always remember she is perfect. And if that confuses the issue, we must always remember she is perfect.
Any infractions on my part, will be revisited over and over. Until my world is is absorbed into hers, and their is nothing left but pixie dust. In prison there is early release and a chance of parole. This is something you will never be afforded because ......because you just won't. Take it from me. The more you loose yourself in your malignant narcissist, the less of you there is to salvage. When they take a bite out of your soul, it stays bitten. 
Her hypocrisy is stupefying. She argues her ass backwards logic until you let her have her way. No matter how stupid she looks and how stupid sounds. A person engaged with her will sense the looming event horizon of her black hole of imbecility and let her have her way, rather than lose themselves  in her morass of head fucking. Not having the self awareness to recognize what she hates in others is what she is, she isolates herself with a self reinforcing loop of bitterness and patronizing condescension, that assures her a lonely and miserable ending, to a lonely and miserable life.  
If you are still in the grips of an malignant narcissist. Do yourself a favor and get out. They ALWAYS end up putting you/me in a position of having to make a choice of leaving for good, or losing yourself to them forever more. If they are that bad..... if they are bad enough that you think about going no contact on a regular basis,  just get it over with. It took me so long to realize that normal parent child relationships are not fraught with thoughts of walking out forever. Those thoughts are not a component of a normal loving relationship. We just don't know any better. There's no harm in ignorance.  Not when it is all we know.
I wasn't around my mother enough growing up to see her for what she is. It took me 50 years to figure out she is a monster.  And as soon as I did I terminated the relationship.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm also a hard-core firm believer in NC, period-the-end. Yes, I drug it out beyond all reason. Yes, it took YEARS to evolve. Yes, it took incredible mental/physical/emotional/psychological exertion resulting in just plain exhaustion to keep that relationship going. Retrospectively there were many seminal moments/situations that were screaming red flags floating around the edge of my conscience instead of front and center. As I was backing away from the drama, the FOG etc. daylight started streaming in and BS/sheer unmitigated nastiness can't stand the light of day.
Nonetheless I really get that everyone's different. Every situation has commonalities-but unique qualities as well. I agree if you're even thinking of terminating the relationship it's time to engage in some heavy-duty introspection. It was just too painful to stay where I was; too scary to get out. Pain overcame fear eventually. Honesty and personal responsibility were also huge factors in that decision: Admitting I did not love the psychobitch, I didn't even LIKE the woman and if I had a choice I wouldn't even have her in my life-ouch! There it is: Life is about recognizing I HAD choices. Sucky, yuky and socially unacceptable as they may be, there were choices.
Ultimately, my decision was not just about the past and all of my experiences with her up to that point; looking forward into the indefinite future all I could see was more of the same. It was THAT prospect that bought me to my knees and NC.
It takes what it takes.
TW

Anonymous said...

Wow. Describes my mother to a tee. A holy roller who is NEVER wrong, and don't you dare even hit that she may be. Never her fault, she's knows all, God tells her about everyone else's faults. No, as I told her, he must have appointed her to take his place. She is everybody's god, ordering, directing controlling and demanding they obey her, or woe is the wrath of anyone who crosses her, especially me, the clear scapegoat. Almost one year ago I found out about MN after once again being reduced to a babbling, crying 50th year old after just one more rage and attack over not getting her way. It's always her way or the highway-always has been. After all these years of enduring the pain, going along to get along, always yielding just to keep peace, I finally gave up. No contact was the only way to save myself. It's been painful but peaceful.

Anonymous said...

This describes my mother also. I use to try and talk to her about her behavior and wanting have a real relationship with her. And what could I do make it better? She took everything I would say as attacking her and would yell at me
"Well at least I know how to get in touch with God!" Um yea not sure it was God she was getting a hold of.....

Anonymous said...

It is about dominating, controlling others till she feels 'safe', but she never will because the fear is about something inside her, so it's never ending.


Sis

q1605 said...

You guys actually tried asking them to change? Haven't you read Joanna Ashmun's website about narcissist's?

http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/

Asking them to stop doing something is the quickest way to get them to ramp it up.
It's easier to hold a seance and try to borrow an oil well from the Ayatollah Khomeini.

q1605 said...

Sis. I think it's about her being mean. If she were crazy she would be more predictable.
She is like trying to squish a glob of mercury under your finger tip.

Anonymous said...

I wonder what she gets out of being so mean?

Sis

Anonymous said...

"quickest way to get them to ramp it up."
And if you like toying with them, it's fun to flip the script. If they call playing the victim, play the bigger victim, they get no rescuing and they can't get away fast enough. I used to do that with a sister in law. They're befuddled.

Sis

vicariousrising said...

Wait... you've met my mother? You must be writing about her.

It kills me that narcissists are so utterly unoriginal. They would HATE to know that. But, of course, they'd deny it.

I'm sure my mother has a score card or a thousand somewhere. It doesn't matter how much you give her, the deficit never gets smaller. She has to cut people down to stay above them. I doubt she realizes this just makes her look insecure and idiotic, not superior.

q1605 said...

VR. I wouldn't mind being the source of an N's narcissistic supply if they earned it.
But if they generated a personality that was fun to be around they wouldn't be narcissists. That would make them colorful, and that takes original thought and a brain.
The two things that are in short supply for them.

Anonymous said...

Yes, it would be fun to tag along behind Hemingway, Picasso, or some other colorful person, but the run of the mill daily version of N's is boring.



Sis