Sunday, May 6, 2012

Something in the Air

Lady Nancy Astor:  Mr. Churchill, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea !
Winston Churchill: And if you were my wife, I would drink it !

As out of step with humanity as a personality disordered person is, the most befuddling trait is their pathological lack of humor. They have no sense of irony or wit. Parody flies right over their head.
 I saw my mother laugh only one time.  I was driving her across town when some battleaxe rolled down her  window to give me shit about the way I was driving. I began gesticulating wildly at her and this prompted her to roll her window back up with out speaking a word. My mother thought that was the greatest thing. That is the only time I have seen her laugh.
She can go days with out smiling. Her face is like ice.
To be so out of touch with my own reality that having a self deprecating laugh can't be processed would suffocate me. It would be like living in a world without the fairer sex. It's as much a part of me as drawing a breath. I am the straight man to the world's never ending punch line.
I can't imagine spending my life combing the words of others for insults. To analyze every sentence so I can  be sure that some one didn't slip one by me. So much so that I sacrifice the moment. It makes no sense. I can't contemplate myself with that kind of gravity.
I am an attention whore, but I don't surround myself with myself.  Not at the expense of every one and everything. How can you meet someone and fall in love? Is a night out ruined because they are calculating the tab to make sure they pay for only the drinks they consume? How do they split cab fare?
Are they born this way?
Does it make them look cool?
I know the blank stares from my mother. She wastes no time enjoying a moment just for that moment. Her only pursuit is the next confrontation.
Their hair trigger for offense is sickening.
In the wind down days of my tenure at her house, I was forced to limit conversation to the immediate transaction. That's how it ended. What do you want to eat? Do you need anything from the store?
Any more provoked her anger. Any less provoked her anger.
Why are they such angry people? I understand selfishness. But their desire to control a person is just creepy. I don't think they understand what they do. By meeting every interaction with anger, they instill that walking on egg shells feeling in us that allows them to manipulate. But it can't last. They think it is their god given right and they can't comprehend us as separate entity's.
With the 24/7 analysis of each and every word, they don't give one thought to how their lashing out effects us. They are way too busy and way to sensitive to externals to give a seconds thought to us.
And I am genuinely sorry for the way things turned out. I would have given any thing to maintain some sort of relationship with my mother. But she wasn't having it. She never looked far enough in front of her to give the people who loved her the smallest consideration about their wants and needs. I can live with things being all about someone else. With the elderly it is the nature of the beast. But she was consuming me from the inside out.
I always hated my mother. But my love for her was larger than the hate. It's such a fine line. That line between love and hate. That wasn't good enough for her. She wanted her half out of the middle. I won't lose myself for anyone. I made my self as small as I could make me. And she wanted me even smaller.
And when she wanted me smaller it was time to be over.


vicariousrising said...

Hmmm. Maybe we do have the same mother. It's so freaking weird how what you wrote sounds like my mother. Her smile looks like a grimace and her face might crack. I have no idea of what her laughter sounds like. She does, however, think my brother is hilarious. Actually, as I remembered that, I do think I've heard her laugh -- it's kind of like a mirthless Bert from Sesame Street.

Lisa said...


Anonymous said...

Excellent post!

Anonymous said...

I was thinking about that the other day, that a sense of humor is our saving grace and keeps us human and humane, and they are lacking that.