Friday, June 8, 2012

Crazy is as crazy does.



 A couple of months after I left my mothers house I
started wondering what she was like for the 35 years I had almost no contact with her. After my father died she dumped me at my grandmothers and never looked back. She found a new boyfriend  in less than a month, and was remarried by spring.

She had better things to do than to waste her time on some hippie kid who drank whiskey and played guitar with old n*****'s in south Dallas. Who did I think I was? I wasn't even old enough to be in a bar, much less hang out at one.

For the first 15 years of my life, she was every where, all the time. And not in a good way.  Like living next to a radio tower and picking up the station on everything from the toaster to the fillings in your teeth.
Then she was gone.
I thought I had a read on what kind of a lunatic she is.
But who knows what she was like when none of us were around..

She never played it straight up in her life.
 She would leave to "run up to the store for a newspaper," and come  dragging back hours later.
She would park me in her car and drive off with some guy. And be gone all day long. Me stuck in some parking lot or heaved out at a grocery store. She didn't MAKE me stay there waiting for her.   I knew that when she came back I couldn't cost her 5 seconds of getting down the road or there would be hell to pay.

I wish I could have plugged into their sickness as an adult.
Poor kid. I feel sorry for all his fruitless attempts at keeping the peace between two people who lived for drama.
I never questioned my parents authority. If it were not so, they would not tell me.
I knew how things were at my friend's house. But my friend's parents weren't gaming them.
Today, I would rule over those amateurs. I know them for the rubes they were.
I would be the one who drove my father to suicide, not her.
I would make goddamn sure he knew what a faithless slut she was. Each and every day. I would remind him of all her swinging dick boyfriends.
I would shame him into doing the right thing. Or kill him trying.
I can hear my big smart mouth now.
Me making sure he knew about the lame ass crackers giving her all their lame ass cracker game.
Ah think yew gotta purdy mouth'air sweet meat. Wanna suck my dick?
Big ole titties like em'air ones means big bucks in a wet t-shurt contest.
Sugar Booger, Mindifi polish the hood of my Mustang wif da cheeks a yo ass?
Fucker did what he did any way. I could have at least called him a douche bag on the way out.
I guess I would rather not know everything.
Normal people can't get there from here.






29 comments:

Anonymous said...

You've already seen her consummate acting abilities in front of others: Playing the "Refined Southern Belle" was an example you gave a while back. They shed one 'persona' for another with stunning agility and turn in Academy Award Performances for others that are so very convincing to the uninitiated/unknowing it's impossible to convey to others, "NO. This is NOT who she is at all." And then they move on to the next victim when the current has out-lived their usefulness. The dazed and discarded are now "true believers."
I believe they have some sort of "Clear Entry" key somewhere in their brains: It goes beyond compartmentalizing various discrete events and allows them to re-write history, selective memory, "spin control' etc. into an internal highly distorted view of themselves, their behavior and their history of "Search and Destroy" missions. You can confront them with concrete evidence of their perfidy and they'll STILL refuse to accept ANY responsibility. You're fortunate if you can get them to even admit being present at the time of the event(s). That lack of conscience has all kinds of far-reaching implications and none of them are good. For us kids, it's just horrible.
As my sweet little HS boyfriend said to me, "I don't understand how you turned out so normal coming from THAT family." (Guess it depends on how you want to define the concept of "normal"!!)
"You just cant get there from here." Exactly.
TW

Lisa said...

I think of them as mindless zombie sharks.

Kara said...

TW's comment describes my sister perfectly. I can't get over how they can be such clones and operate the same way though they're from different countries and different generations. It's like they were all made in the same factory.
I get asked the "how did you turned out so normal?" question a lot too. "Normal" is a bit of a misnomer, I think the word should be "human".

vicariousrising said...

I wish someone had seen what had been going in your family and gotten you and your sister the hell out. Heck, I wish the same for me. I kind of hate hearing how you'd want to treat your parents when you were young if you knew then what you do now. Not that THEY don't deserve it but because you deserve to not have that venom inside you because of how horrible they were.

I also wish I could've known you as a hippy kid playing guitar with those old guys. I bet I would've thought you were fascinating.

q1605 said...

VR. I've given up on trying to reason with people. It didn't work then and it never works now.
I am thinking of taking up smoking so I will always have access to a glowing hot ember that I can stub out in the eye of the person who happens to be giving me the most shit at any given moment.

Anonymous said...

"I don't understand how you turned out so normal coming from THAT family."

I've been asked that a lot, too. I always thought they meant that if they had to deal with those parents they would have been carried off to the loony bin or become the Unibomber.

Sis

q1605 said...

Hey! I am a part of THAT family.
I never said a word about the freak show until a couple of years ago. The few times I was candid about it, people started crossing the street to the other side when they saw me coming.
So I left it out.

Anonymous said...

yes, I'm a part of THAT family, too, lol. They weren't talking about us, they were talking about our sociopathic parents. I never said anything about our parents to anyone either, it was unsolicited opinions from people who met our parents.

Sis

q1605 said...

Sis.
Can you name names or give me a hint for the source of unsolicited opinions?
I remember them being somewhat well liked.
Or is this me living in the afterglow of their delusion.

Anonymous said...

This came from my friends, not their friends. But here's one good example of their friend, a neighbor who I went to see after my son was born because granny thought it would be neat to visit Mrs. R***** in Garland, behind Skillman. This was supposedly one of our parents' friends. As soon as we got there Mrs. R. started telling me about how she wanted to call social services when we were little and have us taken away. Our granny's face just went white.

Sis

Anonymous said...

another good example was my fourth grade teacher. She came to me at one point and was all sympathetic because she had heard about how our parents were from two people who our parents thought were their friends. It was sad, because it put me on the spot at school and that was always a neutral zone.

Sis

Anonymous said...

I was just thinking about how when they finally arrested Jeffrey Daumer his neighbors all said the same thing. What a nice neighbor he was and how quiet he was, and that he just minded his own business. So if there any people who thought our parents were awesome, they just didn't know what went on behind closed doors.

Sis

q1605 said...

I don't get how clueless granny was. But she was.
I can't count the times she told me that Bill J was only protecting the barbarian when he capped Williams. For some reason I never spoke up and said luv? I was there. JFK had a better chance of making it out of Dallas unscathed once the wheels were in motion.
I don't remember my school being effected much. Other than the checking my self into a new school alone at the age of 8. Not until the trial. Then there were some oddities about how I was treated that I could never figure out. I never really thought about it much back then. I was telling the spouse about something that happened like 40 years ago and it dawned on me that the teacher had singled me out because of all that. The town had known the family for so long that I never felt picked on.
I have wondered if instead of providing a horrible life for the Barbarian if granny went the other way. When ever I was living there she followed me around until I was ready to scream.
If I was standing she offered me a seat.
If I was sitting she would ask if I preferred to stand.
I don't see how that would send mom in the direction she went. And her father being an alcoholic isn't near as bad as what we endured.
If insanity begets insanity we would both be Hannibal Lecters.

Anonymous said...

"If insanity begets insanity we would both be Hannibal Lecters."

I remember in biology class they talked about IQ and heredity. IQ aims for the middle point from generation to generation. If two low IQ people have a baby, the IQ will be higher, more toward the middle. Two geniuses tend to have a child with a lower IQ than they do. So maybe two crazy ones together have babies more in the normal range. And if craziness is due to environment alone we would have been screwed, lol.

Sis

q1605 said...

I don't have a lick of compassion for someone who perpetuates a cycle of abuse and uses the fact they were abused to justify the act.
If anything they, of all people know how wrong it is.
For me, that indicates a genetic predisposition to act out abnormally regardless of environmental factors.
Sociopaths are too randomly distributed for environment to be the main attribute for their behavior.
If idiots have smart kids, I should have never gotten "fixed."
Pity.
Such a waste of marginal genes.

Anonymous said...

"Sociopaths are too randomly distributed for environment to be the main attribute for their behavior".

Yep, I think it's some quirky genetic thing.

LOL, marginal genes. I resemble that remark.

Sis

Anonymous said...

It's gotta be the result of alleles. If it's genetics then that's the only conclusion I can come to! ;) I've checked my own certified birth certificate and yep, that's not "it." Both parents names appear which makes them the "Legal" parents. (hmmm....) The "switched at birth" hypothesis also was a potential, but considering my MNpsychobitch's proclivity to hang on to what she believes is "hers" with a death grip I doubt that could have taken place. (No mercy/respite there.)
It's mind-boggling to consider these "Parents" view their estranged ACs as minimally an "embarrassment" when the real shame is THEIR'S. Thus, their ridiculous and frantic attempts to do what they do best: "CYA" while they attempt to destroy "the one(s) that got away" aka Us.
So, let's own our alleles (and our lives) proudly! And as faaarrr away from these (fill-in-the-blank) "parents" as possible.
"Won't Get Fooled Again." (One of my favorite "anthems.")
TW

q1605 said...

It's a recessive gene. If both parents are carriers of the WN-22 gene, (that's short for wing nut)we only have a one in four chance of being afflicted.
My sis was the barbarian's all purpose dumpster for accountability. At least after all the murder stuff.
So sis suffered no illusions about my mothers ability to seamlessly blame shift.
I knew she was a lying sack,but I wasn't targeted hard enough to have her figured out. At least as far as her gladly standing on my shoulders to keep her head above shit river.
Oh well.
You live and learn.

Anonymous said...

No one is exempt from her blame game. Unless you have a big farm she can inherit, then she's Miss Nicey Nice. She must be sane or she wouldn't be able to pick out her targets like she does, a crazy person would just pick on everyone.

Sis

Anonymous said...

Yep. But it's a mo-fo "lesson in life" with a helluva "price" to pay.
At least we're not "paying it forward" with our own or other's kids.
TW

Anonymous said...

Sis, I was reading your comment and I thought you wrote "PIG Farm" and I was LMAO-HOW APPROPRIATE!
TW

q1605 said...

She said big farm.
But you know how the subconscious mind works.

Anonymous said...

lol, pig farm!


Sis

Anonymous said...

What sucks is that out of my immediate family and of course being the scapegoat, I'm the only one who will acknowledge the truth.Everybody else plays let's pretend. I'm the bitch and everyone else is fine. How they see it, it's me against them. I'm their enemy.

My grandmother was not like her ndaughter. She was treated like crap also by nparents.Yet somehow, by my sibs, the nparents still get a free pass. This is how screwed up they are. Sibs view me as being disrespectful to parents because I haven't talked to them in years.Forget the effen fact that I had been emotionaly abused and beat down my whole life by them. They all had treated me and my family like crap. Even sis-in -law who is just like them joined in. She even switched places with me. She's the new daughter now. Since this is the roll she wanted to play, she will have to take care of aging parents along with my sibs.

In their twisted minds that if you don't hang around for more abuse, you are disrespecting the family. How dare I....

Anonymous said...

continued- anyway it is really hard to accept that this is my reality. It might have been easier if I had another family member by my side but I don't.

q1605 said...

You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life. ~Winston Churchill

Anonymous said...

"In their twisted minds that if you don't hang around for more abuse, you are disrespecting the family".

boy, deja vu all over again! It's like somehow you're the one person who isn't allowed to be free of abuse and scapegoating, but are expected to stand there and take it for decades and then on top of it smile and kiss their ass saying, 'can I have some more please'.

Sis

Anonymous said...

You should have video taped. it all It would be a master piece.

q1605 said...

No one would believe it.
I lived it and I still find it hard to believe.
You can bet your ass it would have played out a whole lot different if I had been an adult.
I would have shamed those motherfuckers until they turned blue.