Saturday, June 2, 2012

Funeral Pyres

By request I am posting the first of many letters I sent to the Barbarian as I transitioned to no contact. There was no getting a word in edgewise on the phone so I was forced to make my points via snail mail.  My mother's ignorance of making a computer work is only surpassed by her fear of being cremated. She has her whole funeral prepaid and mapped out down to the color of flowers on her casket spray.  So I let her have some of what she's been giving the rest of us for years.

Restland  Crematorium Services.

Dear Mrs. **********,
  We are delighted to confirm that your on line request to modify previous burial arrangements to a simple cremation service are now complete.  We will place the difference in cost, in escrow, to cover a yearly memorial wreath for your father's grave on veterans and memorial day.  We are happy to make this adjustment and want to assure you that our crematorium services come highly recommended.
    If you are unfamiliar with the cremation process, allow us to briefly describe this procedure. After your service is attended by no one,  your repulsive carcass will be removed from the cheap temporary casket, and placed on a fire proof tray. Your body, and the flour sack dress you will be wearing, are then subjected to intense heat from natural gas jets pointed at your withering cadaver. You will be subjected to this flame until your body is reduced to a heap of smoldering ash.  All metals from  titanium hip replacements, down to the fillings in your teeth, are removed and salvaged for scrap. The proceeds will be used to finance our weekly keg party.  
   You will be pleased to know that Charlie, that old guy that lives in the oleander bushes behind the dumpster, no longer sneaks in at night and abuses corpses.
   If you have any questions, ask your son, the loser, more about it.  Take a break from writing him in and out of your will.  Quit telling the world about how he smoked pot as a teenager.  Quit cursing the ground under your feet. Stop telling his ex wife he can screw women at your house if he wants.


Linda Tremaine said...

Love your letter! It is so hilarious! I can't imagine being so talented as to write something so funny! Great job! You are the best!

q1605 said...

I was kinda pissed. Can you tell?

Anonymous said...

A true "Q Classic!" This is by far the Blue Ribbon Winner of NC letters.
Gotta love the hypocrisy: Smoking some weed is just so much more offensive than The Barbarian's status as a murderer.
Are you and sis gonna write the obituary? heh,heh...I'm SURE you could compose a real tribute to her Legacy.

Adela Alba said...

The only thing her obituary needs to say is "The Barbarian died (date), and nothing of value was lost." ;)