Tuesday, June 5, 2012

I can't tell you why.

I don't know why I obsess so much on me going no contact with my mother. I think going no contact was the catalyst of confirmation for what I had grown pretty sure of what her reality is.  It's a lot like the guy that suspects his wife of cheating, but hopes it is all in his head, and comes home early and finds her knocking boots with the tinker, the tailor, and the candlestick maker. 
It was the straw that broke the camel's back and the slap to the face that let me know that decades of me turning the other cheek carried as much weight for her as what she took and others gave to her for decades.

Which is to say it meant nothing.
And for her to devalue and discard as easily as she did.
Just makes me want to burn her house with her in it.
My sister is as good as no contact and she can correct me if I am wrong, but there was never an open declaration of fuck you and a kiss my ass from her like there was from me. So I played it to the next level and we both got to see just what she is made of.
For me there was no choice. For her to shit on me for 50 plus years and then want to engage in some twisted hand to gas-lighted hand combat while I was doing my best to make her quality of life as good as possible is unforgivable.
I'm not fine again but every day gets a little better.


vicariousrising said...

I'm relieved that my mother would rather pretend I don't exist (except when it gets her sympathy from my dad, sister or brother) since I stopped contact. But I didn't have a big send off either, like your sister. I just couldn't deal with her trying to get me back like some of these nutso estranged parents do, like showing up unannounced or trying to bribe the grand kids. Plus, when i do see her, she acts like such a middle school mean girl, it's absolutely laughable. What's sad to me is how little she would have to do to lure me in (provided it was at least sincere, even if puny). But her attitude just makes it easier for me to realize that I have always been my own mother, and considering I had so piss poor a role model, I did a pretty dandy job.

q1605 said...

I'm not proud of my actions when I went NC. But it separated the wheat from the chaff with any misconceptions I had about her.
For her it's all about the sting. No matter how nice she tries to act. How accommodating she seems, she is working to lull you into a false sense of security so she can pull the rug out from under.
I think she thought I would carry on forever taking the thousand paper cuts.
Well guess again bitch.

Lisa said...

I'm proud of your actions when you went NC. I thought it was a pretty fucking good exit. Dramatic! You're only spontaneous when you mean it. That's why you're here.

q1605 said...

"You're only spontaneous when you mean it."

I like the way you think.

Kara said...

"Decades of turning the other cheek", that's it, isn't it? The moment when you realise that NOTHING you do or will ever do will ever make a difference, like you're stranded in "groundhog day" forever. It amazes me that they can treat people like they do and the minute you say "I am out of here" you are a really really BAD person for leaving. Seriously, did they expect us to put up with that rubbish for life?

q1605 said...

Hello Kara.
And if you give them ten seconds of what they have dealt you since forever, they will scream bloody murder.

Kara said...

Yep, one set of rules for them, a different set for us...

Anonymous said...

I don't think it even takes 10 seconds to say "No" and watch the instant nuclear explosion-"Duck and Cover." If there's some PC or "Right Way" to terminate the relationship I don't think we'd be where we are now: Nothing is ever enough/right/"appropriate" blaa-blaa-blaa.
At least you were able to say a bit of what was on your mind! I've watched as ACON's struggle with writing a short letter/email over choosing just the 'right' word etc. and regardless of their efforts true to form, the MN throws a tantrum. Getting out anyway you can is the most important objective and how you do it doesn't matter at all as long as you do it.
Just because you haven't heard from her directly I can guarantee a whole bunch of other people HAVE! NO ONE escapes without all kinds of culmination behind their backs-exactly where the MN has placed their target. Now that you've been condemned to perpetual "Bad Boy Land" doesn't mean they aren't thinking of you and acting on those less-than-benevolent thoughts. Ex: Smoking a bit of devil weed is reconstructed as you're a junkie mainlining 24/7, your attempts to assist her post-stroke are re-configured as attempts to steal her blind, your attempts to keep her meds straight is now you were stealing her meds and selling them (there's a huge market for BP meds and blood-thinners) AND she had to "evict Q by force with a SWAT team" after abusing her and holding her hostage for years.
Ain't it a shame?! ;)

Anonymous said...

"and if you give them ten seconds of what they have dealt you since forever, they will scream bloody murder" EXACTLY!!!!

q, For me personaly, it has been the hardest thing to not think about what they've done.And how they can just move on with their lives like I never existed. I have good days and bad days. I think it may be the injustice of it all. I wish it wouldn't bother me anymore but I never see that happening. Maybe it's because I have real human emotions.

Have you been able to get past this to some degree?

q1605 said...

"Your attempts to assist her post-stroke are re-configured as attempts to steal her blind."
Your other examples are conjecture as far as I know but probably true. The one I quoted is spot on. I was walking in her door with sacks of groceries that I had just put on the credit card she let me use to keep her house stocked up with food and cleaning supplies and her Clairol Nice and Easy hair coloring.
She was waiting right inside the door and as soon as I walked in she started ranting so furiously that all I could understand was something about me not getting her cat food.
I had her garage about crammed full of dry and canned cat food.
She kept saying....."At LEAST you could have bought ME some cat food. I didn't get it. How much goddamn cat food can one cat eat.
Then I figured out this was her back handed way of calling me a thief. Like the umpteen sacks of food didn't count.
I found out she was always calling and keeping tabs on what I charged.
Which is fair enough. Who really knows who is a thief and who is not. But that go's to show how little she knows her own son. Like I would run amok with her card.
It infuriated me. Along with all her other daily rages and that was that.
Sorry for ranting on TW. If you had not pegged her so fucking spot on.
You know these freaks as well as anyone and your instinct is so finely honed.
You just have the Barbarian down to a Tee.

q1605 said...

Anon. Some days are better that others. I know the cliche about life not being fair, but her effect on my life and the lives of all of us that were forced to deal with her is beyond not fair.
I am not doing to well on the moving on. I kept my head in the sand all these years and now knowing it just kept me in her sphere of influence that much longer so she could do even more damage.
I compare narcissist's to slot machines that you feed for a life time and they never pay off.
I don't mean this in a financial way.
She could be generous with her money.
I am talking about her half of a real and genuine mother son and for my sister mother daughter relationship.
If she was just a mean bitch I think I could deal with it.
But she is crazy. To be close enough to her to maintain an ongoing rapport is to leave yourself open to all her pitting and manipulating of every one against each other.
She ruins marriages. She ....does stuff that is unbelievable.
She had a couple she knows that was coming over to see her. So she answers the door in some revealing see through negligee. Gets them all in a dust up. The husband and wife go at it. The wife and her go at it. She will bitch forever about how it's her house and she can answer the door dressed any way she wants.
That may sound like a weird example but it's these things that make people shake their heads and think WHAT! THE! FUCK!
But it's what she does. Just mucking around with peoples heads 24/7.

Anonymous said...

Oh please, "rant on!" There's all kinds of stuff there and honestly it does take a good long while to get it out, yk? I revisit the "Scene of the Crimes" and I still have times when I'm furious all over again. I think about it and in some ways it's a lot like grieving my late DH-grief just is, and it changes over time. But sometimes when I'm thinking of DH I still feel that gut punch, that visceral feeling around my heart where I'm missing him beyond words, beyond all reason and it'll be 20 yrs. in Oct. since his death. I still think of him every day. I still love him just as I did the day we married.
Obviously that's not the way I feel about psychobitch at all. But there is a huge loss when you realize your parent wasn't anything remotely approximating a "parent." And that hurts. Horribly. All the efforts I made, all the belief if I just tried this or that, all the years I spent believing I was somehow "lacking" and so forth. There's grief there for sure. But I am still royally pissed with her unlike my feelings around George (DH).
I've learned from George that love really never does end. I've learned from psychobitch that some people absolutely lack the capacity to love anyone in any form. And from that springs all kinds of despicable behavior. Human beings are NOT "objects" to be manipulated. Or tortured in a variety of ways simply for one's own edification.
But we surely were. Why wouldn't an AC be furious? "Betrayal" doesn't begin to cover it.

Anonymous said...

Yes, she is the eternal victim, TW. She's the kind of person who would kick someone in the balls and then complain because it scuffed her shoe.

I just give my thanks everyday we're rid of her! No mas, no more, the end. or Done.


Sweetness said...

I still have the occasional dream that I'm talking to mine again, or that we're at her house. My brain is screaming, "When did this happen," but at the same time it's like I'm trying to convince myself (in my dream) that I really can have a normal family life with them again. I wake up relieved that it was all a dream, but the "if onlys" still play in my head. They tried contacting me in various ways for 3 years after I went NC. They now have no methods for doing so (new phone numbers, address, email, etc.). I don't speak to anyone who knows them becasue they were trying to pump old friends for information and using Facebook to see who was friends with me. Stalkers! Part of me hopes they're suffering my loss (ha!) but I think they've gone on and consoled themselves with their reality that I'm "crazy" and "unstable." It gets them sympathy and attention, which they love.