Sunday, June 24, 2012

More of what I hate.


Have you ever been in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex that ended up like the Hindenburg's final approach?
And how you would do anything to make it right? Anything except to seek this person out with hat in hand and make amends. Because they were the ultimate architect in the undoing of it all, and doing that would only embolden them and their destructive ways and reinforce their perceptions of you as weak and someone to be trampled on and taken advantage of and as being disposable?
Well that's the way I feel about my mother.
If she never makes a move, then a move will never be made. Because she has reduced the relationship between a mother and child into a transaction and all the concomitant bargaining that follows. I said what I wanted to say to her, and in answer for all her years of her unspeakable abuse, I got a blank wall in return.
So like a run of the mill relationship, he who speaks next...... loses.
And I am OK with that. As much as I post and belly ache, she has made me a person that is ready, willing, and able to accept the most adverse consequences in life and move on to the next place to camp.
I wasn't born with the wherewithal to forge through hardship. Life with her indoctrinated me for it.
So she will die as she lived.
Bitter.
Surrounded by sycophants.
And standing on the necks of those that might have loved her as only family can.
Fuck her.
That's what infuriates me about her. She has taken the most sacred and given of all relationships and done what she has done with all the other relationships in my life that she could wiggle into and ruin.
I hope she burns in hell.

23 comments:

vicariousrising said...

"As much as I post and belly ache, she has made me a person that is ready, willing, and able to accept the most adverse consequences in life and move on to the next place to camp."

Ahhhh. Making lemonade out of lemons. That's what some of us do best.

Just so you know, you've made my life a little brighter.

q1605 said...

You are a friend VR

Anonymous said...

I don't think she ever wanted any family, only if she needed bailing out of jail.


Sis

Jonsi said...

I have to agree with Vicarious here, Q. You've made my life a littler brighter (I'd say, even a little better) just by being you and doing what you do.

From the bottom of my (sometimes crushed and broken) heart, thank you.

Jonsi

Tundra Woman said...

Yes, you've brightened my days as well and so has Sis. From the bottom of my bruised and battered but still beating heart, Thanks!
Sis, your response regarding bailing out of jail reminded me of a big factor in my NC decision: My Psychobitch did NOT choose to assist in ANY way during some really, really difficult times in my life. She didn't give a shit if I starved or froze to death. She couldn't be bothered to even listen or offer support when I was going through some just terrible times, situations that were NOT of my own doing AT ALL. Sometimes life just happens, yk? ex: The abduction at knife-point, rape and cutting/beating to near death when I was 20. I survived only because I played dead well according to the cops and because it was so cold out according to the medical people. Believe me, I have NO PROBLEM owning my own screw-ups and there are PLENTY of those. In fact, she would exploit those horrible times shamelessly for her advantage.
She only wanted to take credit for my "successes," those that would reflect on HER as a "Good Parent." She rode my ass like Zorro and turned me into an anxiety-ridden wreck in my younger years, a little dedicated over-achiever and anything short of PERFECTION was unacceptable. After awhile, NOTHING was good enough for her. In her view I was fatally flawed, broken, period the end. Sadder yet, I BELIEVED her.
So here it is (among other "reasons:") If a parent can not share in the bad/challenging times in their child or Adult Child's lives, they don't get to share in the "good" times either. In ANY way. Your kids life is NOT an a la carte menu. Don't expect us to "be there" for you when you left us face down in the desert while you absconded with the last of the water long ago. Over and over again. I've been starved, frost-bitten and left for dead at various times in my life. Where the hell was SHE? Shopping at some exclusive boutique. But when SHE wanted something, ex: Support, I was mandated to provide it. I can remember as a 5 yr. old (and for years after) Psychobitch crying to me, "Oh, TW! TELL ME I'm a GOOD MOMMY!" (sob, snot, sob.)
No 23 yr. old should feel they've screwed up so badly their life is irreparably ruined. "Life with Psychobitch indoctrinated me for it." Amen. I was waaay too old waaay too young.
I'd venture to guess we ALL were.
TW

Kara said...

Yes, I want to say thank you too. When my sister and sociopath husband nr.2 dropped by to drop off some stuff last week, after they left the phrase in the title of your blog about the circus not leaving town just kept popping in my head. It make me smile where I would have cried. It was so comforting to know that you all get what it's like to live with this madness, that someone understands.
So again, thank you.

q1605 said...

Despite my propensity for attention whoredom, I didn't mean for this to turn into a prop up Doug and his fragile psyche post.
But I like the way you are thinking and I appreciate the props.

Anonymous said...

omg, i just realized what makes me the angriest. It's that she has made us feel guilty for our relationships not working out with her. and yet it is at least 200% her fault, or more. You and I gave and gave and gave..... like giving to a black hole.
Here's my declaration of independence from that, I am not having any sort of negative feelings because she was a horror of a person.

Sis

q1605 said...

Sounds like a plan to me.

q1605 said...

Like I said. There is no winning with a sociopath. She has installed this idea that she is in dire need of help. But when I lived there she ran me off.
She didn't want me there.
Didn't want me at home.
She wanted me to follow the family tradition.

Kara said...

"She has installed this idea that she is in dire need of help", it puzzles me how they do it but all narcs do it, I used to call it "the rogue programme in my head" but I think your idea of calling it malware is better.

Tundra Woman said...

GO Sis!! I'm telling ya, they take our very best human qualities and work them into some perverse agenda leaving us feeling as if WE "failed." No, THEY "failed"- spectacularly.
TW

Anonymous said...

"She didn't give a shit if I starved or froze."

TW, right on! They don't give a shit, that's the bottom line. You'd do better asking for help from strangers.

I love your posts, TW! Thank you for your caring responses!

Sis

Anonymous said...

q,
"She has installed this idea that she is in dire need of help. But when I lived there she ran me off".

That's kind of the same deal she did with me. After D** died she would call me several times a day acting like the world had ended. My friend said she probably needed a bereavement group. Oh boy, when I mentioned that to her she went ballistic. And any other helpful ideas just set her into a rage. One of her last words to me were was her screaming at me, "I DON'T NEED ANY HELP!". She wants to play the victim to get attention, but she doesn't actually want anyone to help her.

Sis

q1605 said...

Sis. Was she screaming like shrill like? Or just doing that glass breaking my way or the highway frequency that makes one want to shove her face in a grapefruit halve?
It's funny that the person responsible for more situational mental distress is so resistant to change for herself.
Kara. I hear ya. It's some fucking virus.
TW says we all somehow get this over load of humanity from them. I don't see how but TW is right.
I hate it. It's like declawing a cat and then kicking it out in the alley to fend for itself.
But we all seem to have it.

q1605 said...

Sis. It's been 2 years since I have sent her a thing.
Your comment gives me an idea.
What if I start sending her pamphlets from psychiatrists etc.
She is crazy as a shit house rat. But you can't do anything that implies she is crazy.

q1605 said...

Sis. You talking about talking to her made me think of a couple of times I had to stay home sick from school. Moma.H used to call and talk to her.
I don't know what she said but after a few minutes M.H would have her freaking the f out and running to her rooms crying.
Man she is even crazier than we could ever imagine.
I bet M.H could work a dig in but one would never think she could ruffle the feathers of the great barbarian.
We should summon her spirit and send her down to mom's.
M.H was like Barbarian Kryptonite.

q1605 said...

Sis. When D*** died. She began fing e*** full time.

Anonymous said...

Yes, it was a shrill inhuman sort of screaming. In fact she was even yelling at hubby because he had come back from his trip sooner than she thought he should when he answered the phone. Like this, "What are YOU doing back already?", but with a sarcastic snideness to it. You're right, she's never changed, she just got 'more so' of what she was.

are you sure it was M.H. who called her and upset her, or some boyfriend? I've never seen anyone get to her myself.

I thought E*** had moved away by then because he'd had a stroke? I remember her getting pissed because he wasn't there to help her with D** when he got older.

Sis

q1605 said...

It could have been a BF. I was too sick to care.
E lived across from her almost until he died.
He was n't even sick when I went to Uvalde. He died before I got back.
He was there. She was lying if she said he wasn't.
She never gave two shits about how her actions effected us.
As long as there was some shred of plausible deniability for her.
That last day she had spent about an hour following me around basically calling me a thief.
When I started finally raising my voice and I flipped her the credit card she kept asking.
Why are you mad at me. With that same cocky shrill demeanor that's her trade mark.
So I flipped and walked out.

Anonymous said...

wow, I bet she totally lied to me about E*** and everything else, duh.
LOL, you come to find out that everything she's ever said was a lie to either get sympathy or manipulate you.

Sis

q1605 said...

I just don't get what her "profit" is for gaming us. We were pretty complacent.
We acted like we bought her bullshit even if we didn't.
I just don't get it.
They say there is a lot of envy involved. That has got to be it.
Envious of what I can't tell you.

Anonymous said...

I think they are envious of a life they can not have, people they will never be, and relationships they will never have a concept of how they can be sustained. Their core being is a manipulative lie. All they know is lies, games, cons and scams. I think that is why happy people piss them off. So their life is spent going forth and causing unimaginable destruction. The casualty is US!