Sunday, June 24, 2012

There is no winning with a sociopath.


The thing I HATE! worse than anything else is that little sliver of thought in my head that feels sorry for my mother. No matter what she thinks she is, and no matter what she is capable of doing, she is still a little old lonely lady living by herself. I watch the National Geographic channel and saw a lioness that got bit by a cobra and almost died. I was feeling so bad for this girl and cheered for her when she came around and fought off hyena's and eventually rejoined the pride. Her cub had died. She was emaciated. But she finally was sturdy enough to finish her life on her own.
 If I was face to face with the cat, she would make quick work of me, and floss her teeth with my dwindling hair supply.
 I won't ever be able to occupy the same room with the Barbarian ever again. All those letters I tell you I sent.
I sent.
No bull shit.
The Barbarian doesn't take kindly to being told off. Especially in such a no nonsense manner. I even pasted a picture of two dogs humping with a caption that said......someone get a broom and a bucket of ice water.....Barbara's in heat again.
I sent it to her.
She all but threatened me with an untimely death while we were on "good" terms and with me living down there but having an argument with her.
I had walked out the front door to work on my truck in the drive way to get around having to face her while she watched television in the den.  She stuck her head out from the den and said something about did I know that someone was trying to break in the front door? She knew it was me taking the long way around to avoid her. I took this as a throw down threat from her letting me know she might actually manufacture a scene and cap my ass. She does have a gun by her bed.
And even if we came to some reconciliation I know THAT would be manufactured to cover her 24/7 seething rage.
Rage is the only "emotion" she feels. Every thing else is a front.
So why bother?


My son was having a flash back from the pot. 
So I was forced to fire a warning shot between his eye bones.

21 comments:

Jonsi said...

So, you know those little flip books where you flip through them and they create a miniature "scene"? One time, when I was really bored at work (I was dating my narco-ex) I created one. Took me all day. I still have it. I titled it, "The Flipbook of death and vomit." In it, one stick figure gets shot by another stick figure and gets blown backwards out of the scene. He eventually gets back up, crawls back into the scene, and barfs at the shooters feet. A while later, a dog comes and eats the barf.

I read this post and that's what I thought of. I think because your mom reminded me of it.

q1605 said...

I hope it was therapeutic?

q1605 said...

Or am I sucker for more punishment?

q1605 said...

That crazy bitch made me dizzy enough it could be anything.
I commented behind TW and said if she had been Freud's first patient he would have become a used car salesman.

q1605 said...

As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly.

Tundra Woman said...

Yk, I get the picture of an old lady living alone and yes, it DOES seem sad and lonely. I'm an old widow, I've had a couple of strokes and live alone-with a geriatric cat. I'm not only a "sad picture" but a cliche to boot. Yet my life is anything BUT sad and lonely. Sure, I could find a "live-in male" if I wanted one or give up my place and move into someone else's (gawd, there goes my autonomy as well as the remaining bit of my sanity) or do a co-op thing with my best friend of the last 30+ yrs. (We've even discussed that option.) But I'm living this way by CHOICE. And I'm absolutely as content as possible given the realities of my situation. My life IS full-of friends (my "Chosen Family"), activities, volunteering/giving back to my community etc. in the manner of my choosing despite a pretty limited budget.
It's the humanity and decency in you that allows you to feel as you do towards her-not just as your biological mother but contemplating how YOU would feel if you were in a similar position. Compassionate and caring people DO feel as you do. But remember The Barbarian has also made HER choices. And I have no doubt she's VERY content with them. You (and Sis) sacrificed a whole lot to "help" her both as a child and an adult. She has demonstrated repeatedly (as MNs/Psychopaths do) she is a most self-preserving individual as well as parasitic and nasty as ever. I have NO DOUBT she was sending you a very thinly veiled threat when you were assisting her post-stroke. Yes, I DO believe she would have shot you especially if she knew you had a life insurance policy for which she was the beneficiary.
Ultimately people die the way they lived, Q. Your feelings speak to your innate qualities and they ARE
beautiful-those to be admired, cherished, respected. Those closest to you (as well as others) have had their lives enhanced by your presence. In the end all we leave is a cadaver and far more enduring, our character as it's impacted others who's lives we've touched. Despite a life time of real tragedies you've never lost your humanity.
I have no doubt you have touched others more profoundly and positively than you realize.
TW

q1605 said...

Something about you TW doesn't strike me as needy or defenseless.
I am glad you commented like you did. Because that's probably just the way she installed her malware in my head.
I need to get it through my head that she is as vulnerable as a venomous snake.
I am on record as being willing to buy her groceries etc and drop them off on her front step and hauling ass after.
Just so her quality of life and autonomy can last as long as possible. I would do this for a stranger if I was asked. It's just what you do.
I guess I am still holding out hope that she will become human.
This hating my mother thing is still very new to me. I don't like it, but it's the only way to approach her and stay safe.
I appreciate your kind words TW.
Your experience with the psychobitch is vast and way beyond the scope of where I am.
I can write all day long recounting facts.
I just haven't quite got a handle on where and how to stow them all away.

vicariousrising said...

I hate the part of me that feels sorry for my mother too. That's the part of me that got suckered in.

I'm not sure what to do with the part of me that feels sorry for my enabling dad. I keep hoping that the crazy bitch will keel over and maybe I have a shot at a sort-of parent.

This depresses me, though.

vicariousrising said...

Oh, and I adore TW. TW, will you be my family?

Sweetness said...

I read so many survivor blogs, and we all have the dark sense of humor in common. It's almost like a secret language. Your dark humor is hilarious.

You're nicer than I am--I'd let my narcissistic adoptive mother starve just to keep her from hurting anyone else. I still struggle with the wish that she will turn out to be normal, but that wish lessens with each passing year. Blogging about her has gotten me to see how damaged she was (and is) and showed me how inhuman she is and how dangerous her type can be to those of us who are human. We project our own good qualities onto them and use our empathy in dealing with them, but they drain us dry and then complain that there's nothing left of us but husk.

Whatever you do to her, whether it's to get peace or to punish her, she has it coming. That and much more. The best thing you can do ultimately is cultivate an attitude of indifference toward her. If it makes you feel any better, that will drive her nuts most of all.

Tundra Woman said...

That's exactly it-you don't stow them away, IMO. You put 'em out here and little by little they loose a great deal of their power-not all of it by any means. But a whole bunch of it. And it IS sad, all the way around. These "parents" leave vestiges of their Legacy that remain with us, IMO for the rest of our lives. It's just inevitable. But we can laugh and cry, rant, rage and fume together.
When we all carry the load it's much lighter than carrying it alone. That's what we're here for as far as I'm concerned. And it's really nice to have a place to do that where no one has to "censor" or feel like they have to be "PC." I'm not exactly "Forum" material either!!
Having my sistas and brothas together is a joy to me and you provide that space. Have I said "Thanks?" No? Well, THANKS, Q!
TW

Tundra Woman said...

PS: I'm NEEDY AS HELL! I've got a vehicle with VERY questionable brakes, a cat that just destroyed the budget with the vet appointment on Fri. until the end of the month, a script I can't fill until after the first, 2 dental appointments next month, car insurance due in Aug., a crazy guy stalking me and screwing with my sensor lights and a handle that just broke off my fridge! :-p
Believe me, I am pretty "needy" right about now!!
TW

q1605 said...

Right back'atcha TW!
Sweetness. I so get it. I read your blog and it hits home with me.
My first wife just had to be borderline. Trying to figure her out is what gave me my first clue about my mother.
I bought that book," I hate you please don't leave me" trying to figure her out and kept thinking, this sounds more like my mother than my wife.
About the humor. I didn't ask for it.
I didn't cultivate it.
I remember fishing with my father as a child and whatever we were talking about I would chime in and say..
Well with my luck.....blah blah blah.
It's the only way to deal with the disordered when going no contact is not an option.
You just have to make light of it or it will consume a person.
VR.
No comment.
You already know your standing with me.

q1605 said...

VR. That's where logic is finally over powering my heart.
My heart wants me to run down and makes things right.
My head says that just one way to snuff it if I ever want to and can't gin up the nerve to do it myself.

q1605 said...

Well if you didn't like on top of the fucking world I would fix your fucking car if you supplied the parts.
You get the Aurora Borealis. I get to service my cat 24/7.

q1605 said...

Excuse me. I service my car.

q1605 said...

Freudian slip.

Tundra Woman said...

No, you "service" the resident alpha Pussy AND your vehicle as well as hers! Thanks for the offer! George (late DH) did all that stuff too including starting my car every morning year round-with one foot out the door. After he checked under the car carefully. He was a considerate, totally self-cleaning gentle giant although he did kill a man in his younger days. I didn't know about this until he told me although everyone else who lived here did. (I was a "migrant.") He was brutally honest and lived with the guilt for the rest of his life although he was protecting his sister-threw one punch in the other guy's chest after the guy invited him outside the bar to settle his beef with my SIL and the guy died right there. (It seems like everyone wants to fight the biggest guy, yk?) He went in the Army and played football for them (among other...stuff) while things cooled off on the home-front. I do believe two 16 yr. olds could have gotten together with less...awkwardness than we did.
We didn't really talk about the Psychobitch threat in detail, we just lived with it and accommodated-he didn't tell me when her PIs were following him and taking pictures of him either. He knew I'd be pissed all over again and I know he flipped them the bird if he was in his vehicle. Out of it, I wouldn't be surprised if he walked over to them and quietly told them to leave. Anyone with any grey matter would comply with that request.
VR, SURE! I'd be honored! I hope your father doesn't pre-decease her, but statistically.....
sweetness, I would't pee on mine if she was on fire. I've done a whole lot than that in my mind!
Humor helps tremendously. The most talented comics I know generally have some really horrid stuff in their backgrounds. I'm not saying it's a necessity but as sweetness said, the darkness allows us to see the absurdity and pain that has no acceptable "reason." A PD dx. is NOT a "reason:"
Most fundamentally, it's a billing code.
Looks like we got a Troll on the loose over at "Writing The Wrongs of Narcissistic Parenting" Blog. Check it out if you all have time. You know how these "EPs" will dump on a blogger because they can't dump on their own AC or do the same to the ACs kids/THEIR "Grandchildren"? AC's are getting a whole lot more knowledgeable a whole lot sooner. Thank gawd for this technology and all of you!
TW

q1605 said...

Troll on writing the wrongs?
I am there. God knows you all saw me through the troll fest for the ages.
He seems to sort of "get" my blog I am hoping. And that other than a wayward shot at him that I am willing to cop to, it is not directed at him.
He is leaving me alone for the time being.

Anonymous said...

I think she trained people to feel sorry for her no matter what, because she is the Eternal Victim.

and also, who in the name of God sold her a gun, they should be put in jail themselves.


Sis

Tundra Woman said...

Sis, They're a bunch of CONS. They'll use money, sex a sob story-what ever works. And they'll work it to DEATH.
Unfortunately, their's never comes soon enough.
TW