Thursday, July 26, 2012

Being Alive.

One of the coping mechanisms I rely on when things come up from behind and threaten to drag me down, is to imagine that this is my last day on earth.
If this was my last day on earth, and I knew it, what would I do with this knowledge?
Would I worry myself with tomorrow or next week? Would it concern me that Sammy threw me under the bus every time I left the room?
It wouldn't take up a second of my time.
I can't say what I would do. 
Except I would savor every last second, of every last minute.
I wouldn't just tell the people I love that I love them, I would show them.
Every thing else shakes out. Bad, good, indifferent. 
I would spend that 24 hours just being alive.
Thousands of people around the world will not be here 24 hours from now. 
They are dead.
They don't know it but they are.
If someone could just tell them.


Tundra Woman said...

srv would sing, "Caught In The Crossfire."

vicariousrising said...

I think keying in on being alive is a great way to approach things. I might stray from thinking of things as the last moment in my life, though. Because my tendency would be to forget the journey to divert the unhappy ending. The thought of thousands dying in the next 24 hours makes me feel too much futility rather than in the moment joy. I think that's a flaw in my thinking, but I also think its a lesser issue for me to address in the next couple weeks.

Like my baby boy said to me today: "Baby steps, Mom."

q1605 said...

It's an exercise in abstract thinking.
If I knew I was going to die tomorrow I would be frantic. I just think in the abstract about how it would be if I was one of those random motherfuckers that are going to hail a cab with my face.
Odds are that I won't.
The good thing about the random nature of death is that even though there will be that number of people that will be dead tomorrow, no one knows who.
So you can borrow from their impending bad luck long enough to make today a better day.
Because whoever they are, you are not trying to grieve for people that you will never meet as much as you are using their inevitable fate as collateral to put value in today when your flagging heart can't seem to take you there on it's own.
And rather than having empathy toward them now, realize that as they go now so some day will you.
Damn woman.
You are like 2 thousand miles away and you have me babbling like a loon.

Anonymous said...

It's like someone told me one day, we all have an expiration date, we just don't have it stamped on us like a carton of milk, lol. Meanwhile, enjoy every moment as much as possible.


q1605 said...

I like that!

Calibans Sister said...

This is going to sound sick, and it might annoy you Q, but if I knew I was going to die tomorrow, I'd tell my favorite students I love them, and I'd tell my FOO I forgive them. Because I still love them. But I aint takin n no more shit from 'em. except maybe baby sister. She gets one or two more breaks. Then I'd find the nearest ocean and stare at it, thinking about how we all crawled outta there half a billion years ago.

q1605 said...

Why would that bother me. I still love my mother. Or should I say the illusion I have in my head of her as a mother.
I'd eat a steak drink, some Crown Royal and try to get laid.