Monday, July 30, 2012

Buy the ticket. Take the ride.





After my mother dumped me at my grandmothers and disappeared into the mist, an action that didn't fly in the face of my expectations of her, I went on to live my life, and she hers, and never the twain shall meet.
I saw her when I saw her, and didn't when I didn't. Even when she was in town, if I could find somewhere else to be, I was somewhere else. From the age of 15 to 18.
At 18 I moved out from my grandmother's and had a job and was enrolled in college.
So what happens?
 She calls me from Kansas City. My step father was working there and that's where they were living for a few month's. She asks me to drop out of school, quit my job, and move up there with her.
I almost did.
That obedient child kicked in and like a zombie woof, I considered this proposition.   Reality kicked in and I thought......I'm fucking 18 years old. I am an adult. I have my own life. So I am not sure what this is about.
All I said to the barbarian was thanks, but no thanks. Over the phone she broke down sobbing, but what the fuck did she expect? I may be a game to her but not to myself.
Then she started in on something that didn't surprise me then or now. Only now I can see how out of touch this person is with any sort of the reality we live in.
She started calling me every name in the book. She said you little bastard. You motherfucking little shit. See if I ever do a single thing for you ever again. You'll never get a penny from me. I will die before I help you ever.
I let it go. This wasn't the first or the worst tantrum I endured from her so it was just all in a days business for me. But processing all this on my blog dredges things like this up and lets me view this  through the lens of an adult.
It was a knee jerk tantrum. One that might be forgiven from someone who had never murdered someone.  Some one who had not driven the family around you down like dogs. But from her it is one of those little balloons bubbling up from the tar pit of their psyche that lets you know there is some twisted thinking down below.

19 comments:

Calibans Sister said...

What a scary maniac that woman was/is. Honestly, if someone were to play her in a movie, it would have to be Bette Davis in "Baby Jane." It's a miracle you got away with your spirit and wit intact, not to mention your mind. (aside from 'shrooms).

q1605 said...

You ma'am are correct. I think my point was that she had no interest in me or my life until I was had reconstructed something and was on the way to wellness.
Her seeing someone getting their shit together is intolerable.
Since she wasn't close enough to ruin me, she had to have me deliver myself to her.
I had no idea about NPD or sociopath's but I decided it wasn't a real idea to get back in her clutches.

q1605 said...

BTW Cal's sis. I think the 'shrooms wrapped me a little tighter.
If nothing else, I went to the heart of the darkness with nothing between me and the abyss but grey matter and lived to tell about it.

Charity said...

Q! Not only have you watched a lot of television, you lived the insanity - your NM is a bat shit lunatic, too!

FYI to readers who have no idea what I am talking about, the brilliant and witty q1605 left this comment on one of my blog posts today: "I am not a psychotherapist. But I have watched a lot of television.
You mom is what is known in medical circles as a bat shit lunatic.
That's my official diagnosis."

HAHAHAHA!!! After I read that, I clicked over here to read Q's latest post, and by gory, Q's mummy dearest was/is also a BSL.

I'm going to print out Q's comment and frame it and hang it over my desk. Seriously. I just need to get the printer hooked up. After I've gotten it printed and framed, I'll take a picture and post it.

Thank you for your blog posts, and your validating laughter-making comment. Love it!

Charity

vicariousrising said...

My mom did this sometimes too. I know she did it when I was really young, but I don't really remember the words to well. When I hit my teens, she liked ripping it out when I was on the phone, screeching crazy stuff and nasty names on the other phone line as the other person listened in surprise.

My sister actually got a 3 page typed letter, single-spaced explaining what an ungrateful brat she was, how ashamed she was of her, etc. I wish my sister had kept it (or I had), but I'd bet my bottom dollar that our mother found it in my sister's room and destroyed the evidence one day. We had stuff disappear from our rooms from time to time.

I still have a tape of "Selfish, self-centered, ungrateful little bitch" running in my head.

q1605 said...

VR. You're mother is a brand of crazy yet to be quantified. Your's too chastity. It was essential to my mothers cause to appear normal to as many people as possible. Except me and my sister.
We however were the mortar that held the bricks of her illusion together.
Behind closed doors we were persona non grata.
I think I could have eaten books of matches much less lit them and her not notice.

Tundra Woman said...

Good for you for not going back. After Dad left and started divorce proceedings, I returned from my first year of college to the house where I was raised because Psychob "needed my help." Which ended up derailing my 18 yr. old life for a good 10 yrs. Two years later and many, many moves away from her geographically and psychically, repeated attempts to manipulate me back, I terminated the relationship. For good.
She got the first 30 yrs. She wasn't getting another second of what remained. It's now been about half my life since NC. And I still have never recovered that "time." We never do.
Good for you for not wasting your's, seeing the trap and getting OUT then.
VR, you're on your way. WELL on your way, woman. And I know or have a sense of how scary it seems at times. But it won't always feel like this.
Promise.
TW

q1605 said...

At the time I just didn't get it. Now it reinforces my conjecture the she gets her jollies from halting any forward progress in life others have going on around her.
She was going to lure me up to KC. Do what she did to me when I lived with her after the stroke. And one more time I would be starting at square one.

Kara said...

"I think my point was that she had no interest in me or my life until I was had reconstructed something and was on the way to wellness." Yep, been there too. I find it mind boggling. It is as if they think of us as mobile decorative objects and how do we dare have a will of our own...

q1605 said...

Hey Kara! I been looking for you.
I left a you tube clip but I am afraid you won't ever find it.
It made me think of you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nc8OI19q78c

Kara said...

Hahahaha, thanks Doug! Great song, I hadn't heard it before, you tube was playing up and I had to watch the Elvis version first but I managed to see the Three Dog Night's in the end. And yes, the ladies are pretty insane there, just watch any Almodovar film ;)

q1605 said...

Playing up?
I love you Brits.
We call it acting up.
You say tomato, I say tomahto,
Lets drive the wheels off this bitch.

Anonymous said...

wow, I had no idea she cussed you out about that. She actually brought this topic up to me on the phone in 2004 right before we cut contact with each other. Out of the blue she calls up and is talking about how when she asked you to go to KC how you didn't, and she said she knew it was because our grandmother had told you it wasn't a good idea. (gee, you think, you finally had a settled life.) And then she continues on and says in a very threatening tone, "I'd better never hear that anyone ELSE was talking him out of going to KC." Implying that I was also in on trying to rescue you from her, and she was going to do some awful thing if she found it out for reals. The time frame, you were asked to go in like 1976 I guess? This was 30 years late, and it was the first I'd heard of it from her.
And the tone in her voice was extremely menacing. The whole thing is nuts.

Sis

Anonymous said...

p.s. or part two. This sounds very similar to the shit fit she had when I refused to go to Texas in 2004. Same sort of deal. She's too far to cause real problems for us, so she has to drag us nearer to her. And if we don't go, the wrath of the wicked witch of Texas then. But she's so dumb, because she thinks we haven't noticed she had no interest in us for decades, and then when she says jump we're supposed to jump. LOL

Sis

q1605 said...

Sis just said in a couple of paragraphs the whole point of my post.
There is something wrong with that bitch.
I mean duh.
But when she is pulling this shit the thought of her only being bent on your destruction never comes to mind.
At least not then.

Anonymous said...

no, we don't realize it is meant to harm us until later because we don't think that way. And it's kind of hard to get your mind around a 'mother' being that way.


Sis

q1605 said...

Mother? I am familiar with that concept. I watch Nat Geo a lot and that's the ones in the pack that give birth and nurture the babies right?

Anonymous said...

Yes, it's those chimpanzees who cuddle their babies and take care of them. I shouldn't put down chimpanzees and other primates by mentioning her in the same breath. Somewhere the primate gene got lost in her DNA. She seems to be running on the lower brain that came from the lizards and sharks.

Sis

q1605 said...

yea. She's the mother that eats her own young.