Saturday, July 7, 2012

If every one hates you........maybe it's you?

When an adult child calls a parent to task for years of dreadful behavior, try listening to them. Issuing  a blanket denial of your actions, actions they bore the brunt of, is insulting and drives them farther away.
I am sick of reading about the decades of selfless sacrifice made by selfless parents and how perfectly they handled selfless parenting.

You were so goddamn perfect that your family left town in the middle of the night without leaving a forwarding address.
Don't you guys get it?
We know you are lying.
You might as well say you threw a pork chop to a starving dog but he threw it back..
It's like the fuck-tards that make claims of drinking so much that they drank themselves sober. What the fuck?
If my blood alcohol content is at a lethal level, it makes me sober?
I know about false accusations. I know about being a target for no cause. I was audited by the IRS a few years ago. I used a well known tax software program to file, and I know for a fact that the calculations were preformed accurately. There was not a single computational error. I filled in  the required field's and diligently e-filed my taxes in a timely manner. There was absolutely no reason for the IRS to single me out and rake me over the coals. Them unfairly targeting me cost me all the cash I had not reported from the year before and had sealed in fruit jars and buried in my back yard.
 Normal people don't go no contact with a loving parent. Normal people don't go no contact with an ass of a parent. Normal people go no contact with a monster that is wrecking their lives. Monsters that commandeer weddings and funerals and family reunion's.  Monsters that pit children and grandchildren against each other. Monsters that have managed to suck the life out of each and every family member and did it for sport.
Since estranged parents owning up to nasty child rearing is something that will never happen, I can guaranty something else that will never happen.
Reconciliation. Because you owning your behavior will be where most kids will want to start when talking about what it will take from you to fix things.

You are still stuck here. 

 And enough with all the I give, I gave, and I gave until I am blind. Throwing your kids a stale bologna sandwich, and making them piss in a coke bottle so you can make better time driving is not giving. 
OK, I get the pissing in a coke bottle. On a 2000 mile drive every second counts. But I am a guy.  A girl might be traumatized trying to pull this one off. Especially in a back seat with brothers looking on.   
Whatever off spring it was that stood up to you and said that your bullshit will fly no more did you a favor. That person became a proxy for the confession you will never give. So even if you are not there to see it, he started the healing from your damage and it cost you nothing.
Ah. They are the states problem now.

And what's up with all that denial? When a personality disordered person gets called on specifics, you telling us we didn't see what we saw and know what we know just doesn't cut it. You may get that two second charge of watching our face go blank when you deny something, but you have to know we don't believe you.

You would see us all drown in a vat of pig shit before you would admit to a single flaw. You guys think that there is not one single thing about you that needs to be corrected. That for you, there is no room for improvement. You shot out of your mothers womb perfect and as time passed you became even more so?

In the spirit of your delusion, let me give some estranged parent quotes.

1. I did no wrong, I know I have done no wrong, he makes me angry so angry inside mostly-I don't even like to discuss him with my close friends as I am so ashamed of him and his ways.

 People don't abandon a parent unless they are a monster.

2.If you read our stories on the message board you will find that most of us who have been dumped by our kids was not because we did anything wrong.

 People don't abandon a parent unless they are a monster.

3. I doted on my children. I waited on them hand and foot. I was an at home mum for 10 years, doing all the good stuff like play dates, outings, picnics, cuddling, talking etc. I honestly believed that all they needed was a lot of love.

Cuddling? Honey you is creeping me out. Send me a head shot and your dress size. I might reconsider. 

4. May our children have children just like themselves some day. Then they will know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of false blame accusations.

 People don't abandon a parent except as a last resort.People don't abandon a parent unless they are a monster. People don't abandon a parent except as a last resort.People don't abandon a parent unless they are a monster. People don't abandon a pare People do Pe People don't abandona parent exceptas a last resortopledon'tbaonaparentexceptafuckyouandthehorseyoueodeinonsalastresortn'tabanPentexcptasalastresortabandonaparentexceptasalastresortptasalastesortPePeopledon'tabapaulisdeadnPeentexceptasalastresorttabandonaparentexceptasalastresortptasalastresortPePeopledwhoppaheadbitchongoogoogajewtabanPeoshutthefuckuppledn'tabndonapfuckyouarentexceptasalastresoareyoustupidrtdonaparentexceptasalasresortopledonyourmommadressesyoufunnytabopledon'tabansuckmydickdonaparentexcetasalasrenpdscanblowmesortdonaparentexcepgofuckyourselfasalastresoblowmertopledon'tabeopledontabandonaparentexceptnpdscanblowmeasalastresortdonapamanyoushouldhaveseenthemkickingedgarallenpoerentexceptasalasresortntexcePeopledibangedyourwifeonPeandyourdaughtertooPeobitemyasspledontabandonaparentexceptasaastresortpledon'tabandonaparentexcepiamthewalrustasalasresorttabandonaparentexceptasalastresortpyouhavetohavebeendroppedonyourheadtasalastresortPenpdscanblowmePeatmeopledontabanyomfuckyouamcaneatmePeifyouhaveabrainyoubettergiveitbackbecauseitdoesntbelongtoyuoopledontabandonaparentexceptasalasresortdonaparentexceptasalastresortopledogivemeheadn'tabrentexceknowingptasalastrePedontjuststandtheirshowmeyourboobiesopledontabandonaparentexceptasalasresortsortandonaparentexceptasalasresort.


Adela Alba said...

"3. I doted on my children. I waited on them hand and foot. I was an at home mum for 10 years, doing all the good stuff like play dates, outings, picnics, cuddling, talking etc. I honestly believed that all they needed was a lot of love."

That's an interesting definition of love right there. So where was she the other eight or so years? Why only mention what was presumably the first ten years of her child's life? Sounds to me like she is romanticizing those first ten years. Notice it's all focused on actions, too. Actions can be superficial, shallow. None of what she says can prove to us her child felt loved. Of course, in her eyes, what her child felt is irrelevant because just look at all the things she did for them!

q1605 said...

It sounds like that when they got too old for her to pretend they were collectible dolls and having tea parties in the back yard, she turned her efforts towards her dream of becoming a contestant on Jeopardy.
You never know when they will have a category devoted to day time soaps.

vicariousrising said...

The thought of my mother drowning in pig's shit warms the cockles of my heart.

vicariousrising said...

It's rare my kid does something that ashames me (can't think of anything off the top of my head, but I know he has), but if and when he does, I wonder where I screwed up raising him.

More often than not, though, he makes me bust out with pride. But rather than toot my horn about what a great mother I've been, I really feel that what I've done is not messed him up or gotten in the way of who he is.

It's a hell of a lot more rewarding, in my opinion, to be able to discover who he is rather than who I might've molded him to be. One of the most amazing things about my son is how often people tell us what a nice person he is. Including (and perhaps especially) when kids who go to school with my son make a point of saying that we did a good job with raising him, that he's kind and generous and never makes them feel stupid when he's tutoring them. We're talking 15, 16 year olds saying this without prompting and without their own parents to witness their comments.

Heck yah, I'd love to take credit for that, but he is so different from either me or his dad, he's got more self-esteem in his pinky than I've ever mustered on my best day. He is who he is; we just stayed out of the way and let it happen. I think we gave him a sense of safety to be himself. That's about the most I can lay claim to (and loving the bugger like crazy, but that's been the easy part of parenting).

q1605 said...

One of the stock comments from the people over at DS is how there are no manuals on how to raise a child.
I think you just put that way of thinking down the tube.
Kids are not stupid. As long as they know they are working with a net, they will bloom where they are planted.

vicariousrising said...

You know, I hadn't thought about it that way, but I guess since I always felt like I didn't know what the heck I am doing as a parent, the most responsible thing would be for me to listen to him. And by that I mean more than him saying "give me this". It's that empathy thing those narcissist parents tossed out with the baby and the bathwater.

My therapist sometimes would say to me, "How sad for your parents -- they missed out on getting to know you." These estranged parents really don't realize that they've not only robbed their children, they've robbed themselves and then blamed everyone else for their carelessness and cruelty.

Tundra Woman said...

Let's review these comments:
1"...he makes me so angry inside MOSTLY-I don't even like to discuss him with my close friends as I am so ashamed of him and his behavior."
Your "anger" (rage) was targeted OVERTLY at him for years-no, it was not internal anger "mostly." Note common defense mechanisms as manifested here: This statement is an example of projection/displacement so let's see how this statement translates in reality: "I am so ashamed of ME and MY behavior as a result of MY anger." Contrary to the assertions of having "done no wrong" this statement is a perfect example of another defense mechanism-denial. Well you should be ashamed. And if you owned that it may have opened the door to self awareness instead of the inability to hear what he was telling you for years before terminating the relationship. Not discussing this with "close friends" tells me they aren't really as close as you think and/or you know how this will reflect on YOU. Appearances are of the utmost importance to parents just, the NP in action.
2"...MOST of us who have been DUMPED by our kids is not because we have done anything wrong." Well if "most" of you have been "dumped" not owing to YOUR behavior, what about the REST of you? Are you saying some of you did indeed deserve to be "dumped?" And how do you determine how YOU aren't in the group who rightfully have been "dumped?" The fact is you ALL were "dumped" because of YEARS of doing all KINDS of "things wrong." On your message board do you call the "deservingly dumped" on their behavior? That potential response stretches the imagination to the absolutely absurd. The reality is ALL PARENTS screw up/"do things wrong." It's the chronicity and severity of doing things "wrong" that results in termination of the relationship by the AC. And for that, YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE. NPs will NEVER accept this reality.
3"...doting" sounds like "training mini-me's" and the "activities" discussed are for "Public Consumption" and "MOTY" motivations. Again it's all about Appearances so others will view you as such a "Good Mommy." That was the goal-not the kids. Did you ask them if they'd like to engage in these activities or TELL them, "This is what we're doing?" Whose benefit were these activities REALLY for? I notice "cuddling" and "talking" were mentioned last. "Cuddling" and Talking" in Public looks soooo...loving, doesn't it? In private "Cuddling" was done when YOU wanted it, not when they NEEDED it. And "Talking" was when YOU wanted to talk-all about YOU, your "problems"/adult world. Or raging at them for just Just as you teach children to have an "indoor" and "outdoor" voice you had an indoor (Private) and outdoor (Public) "voice" and persona as well. "I honestly believed all they needed was a lot of love." Yup: A lot of UNCONDITIONAL love-not "I'll love you IF and ONLY IF you make ME look good meet MY needs." And the reference to "children" speaks to more than one AC who walked away from this "mother." See a pattern HERE? I doubt it.
No, kids don't come with "manuals:" Each one has their own little personalities and VR says above regarding her son. That concept speaks to unconditional love, to allowing the child to be who they ARE rather than objects for gratification, for manipulation by the parent. Children are born with the most PRIMAL, unconditional love for their parents. It takes YEARS of concerted effort and total self-involvement for a parent to destroy that bond. And destroy it they do.
So here's YOUR "Karma:" Your ACs "dumped" YOU which is a spectacular reflection on your "Parenting."

Scatha said...

1. just like NM. "I don't dare to discuss you with my colleagues anymore" (she doesn't have friends). "Relatives have been asking about you and I had to tell them that I don't know anything about you since you have stopped contacting me" (that was when I visited her only 2 days before that).

She also keeps telling me "horror stories" about evil ungrateful children who don't let their parents see their grandkids.

My first question was: maybe there was a reason behind that decision?

NM looked at me like I said that the moon was made of cheese. And told me that I was obviously out of my mind. Yeah, sure. Just watch me when you'll have grandkids. You are afraid, aren't you NM?

2. I think this is the conscience talking. I am absolutely sure that they know what they are doing. And this makes it even more sad.

3. "Well when kids start to grow up they develop nonsense like preferences, identity and have friends. They just stop being cute, and grow to be selfish monsters who ditch their loving poor families." (quote from NM)