Wednesday, July 11, 2012

In the time of chimpanzees I was a monkey.

The reason I am obsessed with calling estranged parents on their weak shit is that I was a child that was abandoned by the coldest and most calculating of mothers. I was not totally estranged from my mother. Not until years later. But she bailed first.
I see no difference between them and her.
The women that are on the support groups all have the same predictable affect.
They are histrionic. They are martyrs. They write expansively about their pain over the estrangement. But never about their part in it.
They are quick to point fingers. Quick to express undying and unconditional love for their child as they inventory all the things they will not do to salvage the relationship.
My mother periodically visited  my grand mother after my fathers death.  But her actions implied that she didn't give a shit and that she had better things to do. If I had not ended up living with my grandmother, I am not sure I would have ever seen my mother again. She was only there because my grand mother had inherited the family farm. If you don't believe, ask me about my grand mothers funeral. The one in which my step father had to drag her to the grave-site because a cold front had blown through and she had her hair done just so.  
 I don't remember there being any conversation about me not living with my mother. I just never did again after my father death. It's hard to snag a new hubby with a kid in tow.
My sister offered me a place to stay on the coast and it was a done deal. We lived in a small town, and after all that I couldn't face going back to school and answering questions about what had happened.
I came back to Texas over the Christmas holidays, but if I hadn't buffered my fathers death with some peace at my sisters house, I would have faded away.
Hearing all this feel good rhetoric from estranged parents is nauseating. Here is a list of words that are repeated over and over. That we are:
Cold. Unfeeling. Unloving. Tormenting. Hellish and causing them Anxiety. Sadness. Pain.
All this is to describe the ingrate we have evolved into.
You parents will be livid at being compared to a sociopath.
But a sociopath is what you are.
When you lie to protect your image at the expense of the people you claim to love, you are a sociopath.
Free and clear.
There is no exchange on the DS site that has the least bit of sincerity behind it.
It's all air kisses and soul butter and none of it is real. Those of you that think this interaction is on par with the way a real person interacts with another are too far gone to help.


Calibans Sister said...

this post is brilliant, and I couldn't agree more. I was abandoned by my mother emotionally before I was bandoned! Pre-bandoned! She was there physically, my needs for food, medical care, clothing, shelter were met,but she was absent emotionally. The older I got the more invisible I became. Whenever I tried to get some loving attention--by performing, by being good at school, later by saying "no", I would get the big smackdown. My mother now masquerades as a self-help guru. She pays huge amounts of her own money to print up her 'books,' then spends all her time marketing them under a phony "publishing company" (her garage). She writes about "communication between the generations." She has plagiarized from my published work, and taken things I've said in conversation to her, concepts I've given her, and passed them off as her own without ever, EVER crediting me. When I finally pointed out that she had effectively plagiarized from me, she conscripted my sisters, and turned herself into the victim of my 'assaults." The coldness, the calculatedness, the sheer crazy pathology of the way these narcissists turn reality inside out, and their ability to get their enablers on board, bogles the mind. So I agree with you that you can be abandoned long before you go no contact. In fact, formalizing it as no contact feels infinitely better. And on the parental "support" sites, they all use the same tone, the same rhetoric. "We always gave them everything"; "we did the best we could"; "how could they do this to their own parents"; it is grotesque. But you can see the limited intelligence in their posts, and their disconnect from reality. Btw, I think the poetry you write on this site ROCKS. Thanks for helping to keep us sane!

Tundra Woman said...

I also was abandoned by age 5. Psychobitch insisted Dad and she would "Do Europe" for the summer. I was deposited at a camp several states away before the camp even opened because their ship was leaving for Europe before the camp opened and they did NOT take 5 yr. olds-money was exchanged no doubt for this "consideration." There were no other kids, the counselors were all Quebecois (teenagers) and I did not speak a word of French. But they took that little girl, cuddled and consoled her and spent night after night trying to console her "Home Sickness." Teenagers had more compassion than a mother who didn't give a shit. Remember, this was in the 1950's: No phones, no internet, no way to get or receive mail from her traipsing all over Europe with Dad.
Do you have any concept of how long an entire summer is to a 5 yr. old? Parents would come to visit their kids during the summer. There were no visitors for me. Ever. I was the only camper that spent the entire summer.
By the end of that summer I didn't even know who Psychobitch was-and I didn't care if I ever saw her again. I would have much preferred to go "Home" with one of my little friends from camp or any of the Counselors. Psychobitch had SO many ways of ridding herself of a child she did NOT want that "Appeared Acceptable" and such an "opportunity" for her child.
It was always couched in terms of MY best interests when in fact, it was all about HER selfishness. I can't tell you how many times I was put on plane trips alone and sent somewhere where I knew no one-for months at a time. I had no say in any "decisions"-they were presented as "Done Deals" so I learned never to ask "Why?" or express my thoughts, fears, concerns as I grew up. They didn't matter any more than I did.
Talk about setting your kid up to be predated upon by any adult stranger who treated me with interest or kindness. Remember, I was NOT ever allowed to say, "No" to ANY adult. Ever. My real "world" was lived internally, alone and feeling like so much useless "baggage:" That's what I was.
Meet me in the "Lost and Found"/"Lost Baggage" in any airport or in a Police Car in some strange city where a little girl would be found wandering around major thoroughfares. Where was I? I didn't know. Where was I "living?" I didn't know. Where was my mother? I didn't know but she was far, far away from where ever I was and not just geographically.

q1605 said...

C-sister. I love that you love my poetry but it is all lyrics I cut and paste to put under the youtube clips of songs.
I am a boxer though.
Know much about professional boxing?
I am the heavy weight champion of the world. Joking luv. Just joking.
I think I was more lucky having my mother's influence on my life minimized than those of you that were the focal point of their sickness.
I am such a people pleaser that I disgust even me. It's not fair.
It's like de-clawing a cat before you dump it off in some alley to fend for itself.

Anonymous said...

I was also abandoned by my mother at a very young age. She did provide food, clothing, and shelter, but other than that, I was treated like the sofa in our family room - something that was there to be ignored, used every once in a while, or in the way. I was never allowed to express my thoughts, needs, or emotions.
I'm not sure if my evil mother is on any support sites, but she sure as hell tells anyone who will listen how her horrible daughter won't have anything to do with her, and how her horrible daughter keeps her away from the grandkids that she loves so much (insert eyeroll here), always conveniently forgetting to add what the hell she did to get me to this point. Her other favorite detail to share is that I'm mentally ill, and just to drive her point home, will mention that I was hospitalized and on psych meds (true, but this happened when I was 14). She always forgets one last pesky detail when she's telling these stories - that the source of my PTSD, anxiety, and depression is HER!


Tundra Woman said...

Sometimes I'm shocked we weren't toe-tagged by 3 or 13 at the latest.
And can you just imagine all the DRAMA that would have ensued had we been killed (by some one other than THEM) as a result of their crazy? Mon Dieu, that would have been the high point of their lives-think of all the ATTENTION they would have garnered! And how they would have milked the hell out of that event. Mine figured after she gave birth (knocked out with all the good drugs, a week or more to "recover" in the hospital, room service etc.) her "job" was DONE.
That woman despised me. She had me only as a way to trap Dad and ensure he'd never leave her (he proved her wrong later) and because it was "expected." I thought maybe she just didn't like kids....later, adolescents....later, young adults. And finally realized she didn't like ANY ONE-except herself.

q1605 said...

Hey 6:59 anon. Thanks for stopping in. Drop by anytime.
My mother hated me and my sister as soon as we hit the ground. Old pictures of us and her are like that one in her attorneys office kissing my father and throwing up some in the back of her throat.

q1605 said...

TW. I couldn't give her a neighbors kid a ride to the bus stop as a 50 year old guy with out her spending the rest of the night following me around the house and positioning herself in my view and leaning with one hand on the wall and the other dramatically to her head and her saying over and over,"just do what you want. You'll end up knocked in the head and thrown in a ditch."
Which is about what they did to her murder victim.
Where was all this concern for my well being when she hauled ass after my father death?
She blew town for 30 years and never gave me a second thought.
Now she has all this new found concern?

upsi said...

"They write expansively about their pain over the estrangement. But never about their part in it."

Bingo, Q.

I finally managed to kick my DS habit. It's hard to stop once you start because it's like observing some alien species and somehow it seems like maybe through observation you can either (a) understand or (b) call them out. I love what you've been writing about the DS crew lately, I've put my torch on the shelf on that one out of sheer exhaustion. But it's great to read your commentary, it gives me hope.


q1605 said...

"I finally managed to kick my DS habit."

Upsi. Are you far enough into your recovery to sponsor me.
I just so fucking love to hate them.
I need to quit taking the bait.