Saturday, July 14, 2012

Rust never sleeps.



Sitting here and taking pot shots at my mother is the easy way out. It's easy to make snide comments and poke fun. It's easy to point my finger at her and use her as the blanket scapegoat for all that was wrong with our family.
Make no mistake. I can't think of a woe that we were afflicted by, an episode or incident that couldn't be traced back to her cavalier actions.
But to merely point at her and call her crazy is to let her off the hook for behavior I still can't process. She was like dry rot that crept through out all that was, or all that could have ever been good.
Each time she ran us a ground, we came back as hard as we could. Until we gained a head of steam and I'll be goddamned if she didn't run us ashore again.
Each time she ran us down we came back. But each time we came back, things were not as good as they were. Even if there was a recovery from her financially draining us, there was the loss of innocence that could never be replaced.
No kid should have to watch his mother betray his father repeatedly. No kid should be dragged into the complicity of her affairs. No kid should have to be in fear of testifying in a murder trial and knowing his mother life hangs in the balance. No kid should be used as leverage between his parents and no kid should have to listen to his father die out in the yard.
And any one who did have to endure this should never have to have insult added to injury by the person responsible for it all looking him in the eye like he is the fucking crazy one while listening to this mad woman exclaiming,"what'd I do?"
Like all this shit happened in a vacuum and she was collateral damage like the rest of us.    
And that is the most unforgivable part of it all. That she was the undoing of everything, but wants to sponge up good will that doesn't belong to her.
I am an adult now. I found my way to where I am now. And I will make it through to the end.
But every single thing about her I can think of nauseates me. I loath her with every fiber in my being. God can not get her off this planet quick enough. I will be sad when she is gone. But no more so than I am now. The sadness won't be from knowing there will never be reconciliation. I know that now. The sadness comes from what could have been if a million different things had gone a million different ways.
Like a torpedo, once she was launched someone was taking a hit. There was no calling her back.
It just happened to be me/us that took the hit.
It makes me crazy knowing I am painted a bastard and knowing she spews that ,"what'd I do" line of shit to any one that will listen
It's like a kid killing both his parents and begging for mercy because he is an orphan.

18 comments:

vicariousrising said...

This reminds me of something I've heard many times in writing workshops: the villain of the story always thinks she's the hero.

Tundra Woman said...

I have no doubt The Barbarian is a Legend in Her Own Mind.
I can not imagine why you would NOT loathe her. Regardless of someone's "label" their behavior gives them away. Mine hid behind the label "Mother" throughout her life and absolutely bastardized every *single* socially sanctioned "attribute" associated with that label. Yet we're somehow the Bad Guys for speaking of the events of our lives honestly.
I will not back down from calling Perpetrators exactly what they are regardless of how odious others may find such distinctions. The shame is not ours nor was it ever. As soon as we start putting that burden down, we start reclaiming our lives. The reality is not all parents should have been. There is no honor in "honoring" the DISHONORABLE: It makes liars out of us and debases those parents who truly are.
TW

q1605 said...

I understand when others fall for their cuh-rap.
But to see my mother strutting while she sits in her chair (how does she do that?) and bemoaning our bad luck makes me want to smash her face.
If she makes it underground without me in attendance, I swear I am digging her up and having an impromptu cremation.
I have no idea why she fears cremation so much but I gave her my solemn promise I would deliver this fate to her and I am a man of my word.

Tundra Woman said...

She figures she's headed for eternal "cremation" any way, so why rush it.
I'm tellin' ya it takes these "people" forever to die. Maybe that's where the expression, "Only the good die young" comes from-some ACON who put their life on hold, hold, hold waiting for the NP to croak. The irony is the ACON died young from some stress related illness so all that "sacrifice" of their perfectly good life was in vain.
Now that would SURELY piss me right off.
TW

Barbara Joy said...

One of the many times my mother had heart surgery before she died, I had an interesting encounter with her. She was coming out of surgery and was still not conscious, but she began to talk as she was waking up and was crying. She said oh I wish I had been nicer. My brother and I at her bed side looked at each other and shrugged, "yeah, that would have been nice". I realized after my mother died and my anger was lifted that even though she would never let it show, she was tormented by her behavior too.

I never excused one condoned her behavior, there was too much damage. I did, however realize she had her demons making her act this way and it had nothing to do with me.

My only regret after her death was I didn't run away from home....even in my 30's ... Then 40's ....and into my 50's... I still felt like I had an obligation to care for her. I should have been looking out for myself instead of chasing a relationship (or fearing it) that was never going to healthy for me.

I'm hoping that reading and writing helps you find peace as much as it helps me.

q1605 said...

Barbara Joy. The events I speak of happened decades ago. I knew the reality of it all but from the get go just never obsessed on it. I still let the child in me call the shots when it came to my mother. And the child in me said you were a kid they were adults. There are things you don't know about.
About three years ago my mother had a small stroke and I moved in to care for her and was thinking that the proximity would help us be more like mother and son.
Sha! Right.
She just started in with that buzz saw of a mouth of hers and after she was well enough to be left on her own that's just what I did.
She thinks all her actions are water under the bridge. And it could have been like that.
But I was not going to sit there and be attacked 24/7 for things that don't even register on the scale of her infractions.
Ungrateful narcissistic bitch.
She ruined every thing she got her hands on.

Adela Alba said...

Cremate her and use her as fertilizer. At least then she'll have been useful once.

Bess said...

It seems true that the miserable bastards of the universe hold on to life much longer than those that are capable of contribution to society. My father lived so long because of what he was and because I felt it my duty to make sure he was well-cared for. Please don't misunderstand me; I'm not vying for sainthood. Me and my sister were the only ones related to him who would have anything to do with him, and he still railed against us and told such fucking whoppers of lies about us to anyone who would listen when we weren't around that it makes my head spin. The bastard still haunts my memory, and I sincerely believe he tries to haunt my house. Sounds crazy, but it's true. The bastards love it when they can inflict pain and then turn the other cheek.

q1605 said...

Hi Bess. You posted twice so I cut one. I have straddled the fence on life after death a long time. If something can come back and haunt us it will be them. It just will be.
Adela. I am sure there re too many toxins in my mother for her to nourish something that can be for human consumption.
I hung in for my mother as long as I could.

Tundra Woman said...

Perhaps if mine showed any evidence of conscience I would not feel as I do. However, she had none and I am absolutely as certain of that as I am of my eye-color. Many, many people have had less than charmed lives, some positively tragic and never treated their kids or anyone else in the way mine treated me.
And I am entirely sure that is on HER, not me. My Psychobitch is not the only person lacking in conscience I've dealt with in my life. I'll be more than happy to have any one of them or Psychobitch move into anyone else's home who would wish to have them living with them. Since one can not return to being a helpless child, I'll send them your way when you're old, feeble and again vulnerable.
We feel as we do. And I would no more attempt to "parable-ize" to another ACON than I would insult their intelligence or experience: It's one and the same. How one conceptualizes "Peace" is equally as personal.
TW

q1605 said...

No doubt. I have black and white proof of the Barbarians ways and she can still schmooze the lot of them.
That's why I had to go no contact. It was me or her and I picked me.
To be fair it's her life and she has just as much right to live hers her way as I do to live mine my way.
I will just never understand why there must be a mutually exclusive condition placed on it.
Why does me having a mother mean I am required to lose my self to her.
I never put conditions on her. And lord knows I could have fucked with her forever more.
Any conversation I had with her was a constant exercise in self monitoring lest I say something to set her off.
While she sat there and said anything that popped into that twisted mind of hers.
It's not worth it.
I walked away from a little bit of cash when I walked away from her.
It's just not worth it.

Lisa said...

Maybe Barbara Joy's mom had a person in there somewhere. I doubt Q's mom would ever say that, considering she is a soulless evil psychopath. Can't bring the dead back to the living.

q1605 said...

Lisa, you got that right. Problem with the Barbarian is that outside of her rages she would seem pretty nice. at least to am outsider. But if you knew her you could see her seething underneath all the time.
You would let your guard down and chug along and think you were OK.
Later people would ask what went down between me and her. I would ask what they meant.
Well she told me this. And said your wife is nothing but a ..(that)
You're a loser.
She's a slut.
You never
you could have
And I realized that she talked behind my back like she did every one else's.
Fuck her.

q1605 said...

Barbara. You have to remember. To her killing a guy for $10,000 and dumping him in his car on the side of the road sounded like a good idea. Even if she thought she could get away with it, how crazy and soul less is that?

Tundra Woman said...

If indeed her "botched" murder attempt was her ONLY transgression, why would that act alone not speak most fundamentally to her character? To whom and what The Barbarian was about? By "botched" I am referring to "Being Caught." The fact that the vagaries of the legal system did not ultimately find her culpable of murder does NOT in any way mitigate her behavior nor absolve her of her core perversity. Note the wording of a legal verdict: "Guilty", "Not Guilty." That is a VERY important distinction which few seem to comprehend. A finding of "Not Guilty" is NOT a finding of "Innocent." The Legal System does not grant absolution for crimes committed: It simply provides a socially sanctioned venue/institution for the perpetrator to be tried based on rules of evidence, a jury, the right to legal counsel. That's it in a nutshell.
More importantly I firmly believe a MN/Psychopath, (use what ever term one prefers) makes a conscience decision to engage in behaviors that they KNOW violate socially acceptable norms of behavior. The lengths to which Psychobitch would extend herself to cover the evidence of her evil-proactively as well as reactively-inform my thinking as do YEARS of exposure to her behavior. I would have to be an absolute idiot to ignore the reality which was presented to me on a daily basis. I would further deny reality by not calling evil exactly what it is, exactly as it is/was demonstrated to me. Inherent in The Barbarian's behavior is her drive for PREDATION: And who would be more likely to be the objects of her predatory nature than those closest to her, particularly her helpless children, later adults who have been bound to her through years of denying their reality through a variety of HER machinations. What remained fixed and static throughout those years was The Barbarian-as you and Sis realized: She did NOT change. Both of YOU did, and that infers acceptance of reality in all of its stunning evil, perfidy and ugliness. I applaud the courage of you (and Sis) to speak honestly and openly of her behavior but more importantly, your NORMAL human responses and feelings to this reality. It speaks to YOUR mental health, your profound humanness, your willingness to embrace the anger and righteous indignation that results from years of abuse, years of experience up close and personal with the embodiment of evil in this world. In view of the predatory nature of ALL MNs/Psychopaths the first victims will be their families. This type of evil continues to grow under the "cover" of silence, under the wagging fingers of "Experts" and other such types to tell US how we "should" feel. Doesn't that feel oh-so-familiar?
I firmly believe outrage is a necessary and healthy response to the presence of evil. What we do with that is under our control. To Blog, IMO is a act most fundamentally of self-LESSNESS: That others may benefit from the Bloggers experience and hard earned wisdom. We all benefit from Bloggers who themselves have un-totaled EONS of experience dealing with MNs/Psychopaths and share that with me and others who care enough to read-typically others who have had the same misfortune of birth to parents such as these.
I'll take their word far more quickly than ANY "Experts" who themselves are often blind to the reality of exposure 24/7/365 for years to evil as manifested in human form and have been socialized via the world of academia or other institutions such as Religious, Legal etc. to think in a certain manner, draw "conclusions" from their lofty perches above the "unwashed masses" who have spent years in the trenches. For that, I thank you Q and all the other Bloggers who endeavor to initiate the uninitiated, inform the uninformed and share, no holds barred the reality of your lives secondary to your unchosen exposure to the cesspool of evil in human form.
TW

q1605 said...

De nada TW.
The stranger thing is that me and sis would sit back and marvel at her actions when we were still children.
I started at about 5 ish and sis was about 12.
That would be me actively conscience of things being askew.
Sis probably started about my age but I was not born yet.
I just wonder how two young kids could see her for the wing nut she is when adults could not.
Of course we got the unvarnished Barbarian. While she had all her persona's she displayed to others.

Tundra Woman said...

Yes, I knew from the time I was a little one-probably like 5-that my "Mommy" was NOT like other "Mommy's." I think a lot of us do, but how would we explain that to others-never mind ourselves?
That's what's so great about seeing the world through the eyes of a child-they see EVERYTHING (even if they can't explain it) and their ability to "imagine", to wonder is such a joy. Their unvarnished "truths" are so accurate-although sometimes saying certain things in certain situations can create some rather cringe-worthy moments for the adults. For you and Sis and no doubt many of us, we learned very quickly to shut up...or else.
TW

q1605 said...

I can thank sis for answering any questions that might have spelled doom for me had I asked an adult.
Me and sis used to sit around and do stand up.
I would wait for her to come home and tell her all that went on that day.
I still think it's funny.
I might not have back then if I realized how explosive the situation was that my mother created.
But it was her situation and explosive is what she wanted.
So explosive is what she got.