Monday, August 27, 2012

For the reasons out of our control.



I am sitting here avoiding any sort of productive endeavor and thinking of the brick wall of no contact. And how estranged parents portray our relationship to outsiders. How they say they gave and gave and gave blood, and money, and would continue to give but we arbitrarily just up and walked out.
We just had a little snit like a baby that doesn't want it's strained peas, and so we shoved them all to the floor.
I don't know that many people that would walk away from an ATM that is shooting out cash. Like we would  get tired of stuffing our pockets full and walk away.
Sorry folks. I have to go work for a living so someone else will have to enrich themselves by standing here  breaking their backs shoving cash in a bag.



At least my mother doesn't resort to the ATM tactic. Everybody she knows is aware there is some bastard like son that lives in the shadows and that my mother didn't have jack to do with who he became.
That doesn't stop her from the back end tactics.
Oh me and Q were chugging along so fine until his ex wife #2 poisoned him against me. She's part of the reason my ex-wife is my ex-wife. And my ex never said a bad word about my mother until I went NC.

We wouldn't spend years after trying to make sense of what happened if we are as cold and calculated as they.
We would have slammed them with the devalue and discard just as hard as they slammed us..
Like more D&D is the thing that will get a person back in line after a life of abuse.
We may have gone no contact but we don't like it.
And that's what they don't get.
They say,"I treated my kids like shit but I paid them well for the time they were tied to my whipping post." "What more can you ask for?"
You can't put a price on sanity. But if my sanity is directly proportional to the time and distance I put between us, then so be it.

Every thing is a game to them. Even with their sons and daughters. Even with us their has to be a clear cut winner and loser. I can't say who won or lost with my mother, but no one I know of will get any where near her. 



I took my mother to a funeral for a friend of hers in 2007. The obviously distraught daughter came up and said she was glad to see my mother.
My mother did a little curtsy and said ,"this old thing?"
"It's just something I threw on at the last minute."
I was mortified.
With such a glaring example of their detachment, I still ask myself if they are that out of touch with reality.
Do they really believe their own bullshit ?
The answer to that would be yes.





8 L.A.P.

11 comments:

vicariousrising said...

It's not bullshit -- it is their most solemn and important and true version of reality.

And most of the stuff these folks say they gave and gave and gave had nothing to do with their child's needs. It was not really giving because it was really about how the narcissist had to see themselves as a parent. Still, don't bet for a moment they didn't resent having to do or give anything to someone else, even when it fed their greedy needs! And we're supposed to be grateful?

Calibans Sister said...

"We may have gone no contact but we don't like it.
That's what they don't get." How perfectly you put that. How succinct and true. As is your point about your sanity being directly proportional to your distance. Your mother thought that bereaved woman was complimenting her on her dress? Ghaaaaaaaahhh

q1605 said...

Ghaaaaah is right. You have a way of summing up things that flies over my head.
I am serious.
There is that point when you just have to say ...
Ghaaaah!
Feck it.

Anonymous said...

She would have done the same thing at one our funerals I bet. Or something similar.


Sis

q1605 said...

CS. If she had listened to what the girl had to say she might have HEARD what the girl had to say. But she had this scenario played out in advance and she kept to the script.

It reminds me of a child I used to interact with. She would throw down and shout what it is she wanted and I would tell her when she throws down she'll get what she asks for and nothing more. That if she would trust the person she is with to do the right thing she would get more.

It never stopped her throwing down in public.

Anonymous said...

True, at the funeral she wasn't interacting with the other person, she was replaying a rehearsed script in her head, like lines from a play. Sometimes I think she thinks she's living in a soap opera. I remember her one time telling me she felt like life wasn't real, that she was living in a dream.


Sis

Anonymous said...

just watched the video, I swear that is her!
But don't forget the fake crying jag if a good looking guy comes around.

Sis

q1605 said...

Is it not???
Just dampen it a bit and that's her day to day affect!

Tundra Woman said...

Ah Sis, The "fake crying jag" won't be necessary because she'll be too busy entertaining him with HER version of the video of "The Town Without Pity" your brother posted. (Hey q, don't be givin' the "Jib-Jab Genius" any ideas!)
Yeah, please where ARE the "Parental ATMs?" Psychobitch was very wealthy, but I guess I kept getting the "wrong PIN #" even when I was starving or freezing or both. Oh, that's right-I refused to move back in with her or anywhere NEAR her so any financial "incentives" as paltry as they had been in the past (you know, like food, shelter-stuff kids NEED) I just wasn't "good enough" (read, no longer able to be manipulated) to receive.
NC had nothing to do with money and everything to do with NEVER being a "good enough" MN parental object to meet her "standards/needs" which changed based on demand, whim, mood, phases of the moon-who knows.
TW

q1605 said...

TW.
When you put it like that I am glad the Barbarian didn't care enough to notice we were alive.

Calibans Sister said...

Man, you guys are leaving me in the dust. Q's Sis, your MNM got it right that she is living in a dream world. Can you imagine being that removed from reality, that you just see people's lips move but don't hear what they're actually saying to you? "What, this old thing?" And Q, I reposted "Don Lindsay's List," on my blog, and now am unable to revise the title to give you your props as my reference. I read your comment to Upsi in her recent post. Hope it's ok. I can't figure out how to take it off, since it's not a blog. But I"ll try if you object.