Friday, October 26, 2012

Divide, Conquer, and Isolate.




During my first marriage, my wife and I, and another couple, went to see a hypnotist preforming at a comedy club. As soon as the hypnotist asked for volunteers, the other husband jammed his hand high up in the air. I had known this guy forever. I was hoping he would be an unhypnotizable  brick, and I would finally get the definitive proof I have longed for that all the hypnosis induced chicken clucking cliche's people bandy about are bullshit.

And I was right. There was not a clucking chicken to be found on stage.
What we did find was a group of people that thought they were neighbors in a trailer park. One that had been been visited recently by extraterrestrials. He convinced them that they were on a Jerry Springeresque talk show, and that one of the women had slept with E.T. and was now carrying it's child.

The other women were calling the "pregnant" woman a slut. They were convinced that her propensity to wear provocative attire was tantamount to "asking" for it, and that if she was with alien child, she had no one to blame but her slutty self. For a while I thought they might come to blows over all this alien fucking. They sounded more jealous than put off.

 He then got my friend up to the mike all finger snapping and riffing some beat generation Ginsberg- Kerouac hybrid that didn't make a lick of sense.
Later my friend told me that it was as if a curtain had been lowered around him and it made the hypnotists words true and unquestionable. That no matter what else his sense's were telling him, he could not over power the thought that every thing the hypnotist said was true. His description was chock full of the qualifying "sort of's" and "kind of's" that let me know I would never understand it unless I lived it. And over the years he never lost that look of  bewilderment whenever he was called on to tell the story.

This manipulation of the subconscious is an analogue to living with a malignant narcissist.

I never had a lot of face time with my mother. She was never "there," even when she was there. She was more like a crazy aunt that should have been locked in the basement and best avoided whenever possible.
After my fathers death I saw her on holidays, and if she was living in town maybe once a month.
I always thought that maybe she was kind of jealous of any woman I brought over to meet her.
But that's just silly, right?

I do know I quit bringing women over to her house, because something wasn't quite right with the way she acted.

After her stroke, I moved in and came and went as I pleased. She didn't clamp down on me directly. But I always thought that maybe she kind of wanted more control than most would consider healthy.
But that's just silly, right?

What she did do was find issues that were unacceptable with every one I knew. And then hammered on these issues until I withdrew.
By the time I came to my sense's, I was walled off from the world.  I had isolated myself, and insulated myself from everyone in my old life except for my ex-wife. Even with her I about bit her head off anytime I came up.

She was a real life 2001 a Space Odyssey.
Alone in this howling void of a spacecraft, I was observed constantly by an unblinking lens that registered every action and word.
I had hoped to make up for the lost time wasted by fate. But it was not fate that had kept us apart.
What I got was her systematically rewriting my youth. Rewriting my relationship with my father.
Minimizing her evil and positioning herself as Mother fucking Teresa.
And I bought it. I bought it all. Why would anyone lie. Especially not my own mother.
I wanted to believe. So bad. I wanted to believe that things were never as bad as I remembered, and if they were, that she had changed. Mellowed with age.
And if she had backed off a half a click, or had an ounce of impulse control, or a single boundary, I might still be down there.
But a narcissist never knows when to say when.
Each passing day inched us further from reality, and closer to life in her fantasy.
And then she lost me.
She was talking to herself and no one else.
In an instant, she fell from the grace of the sage to a stupid, twisted, old crazy bitch.
And she knew I knew her for what she is.
This was something she couldn't allow.  Every day after, I presented with the same posture as before.
But she understood that I was no longer a believer, and her narcissistic rages became a daily ritual. Something endurable if she could keep it this side of torment.
But a narcissist doesn't know when to say when.
When it came down to her or me, I picked me.

I am not sure why disordered people dedicate themselves to cutting victims from the herd. I do not know why their need to isolate and dominate becomes an obsession.
It's a strategy of divide and conquer. Isolate and dominate.
Create a captive audience and spoon feed them whatever reality strikes their fancy, with none of those pesky and inarguable bits of distraction.
Like truth.


I don't know if there is a lesson in this.
If there is, it might be:
Never outsource the ability to think for yourself.
Never trade self sufficiency for a false sense of security.
Know that the answers to your questions lie within you.
Know that anyone attempting to commandeer your autonomy does not have your interests at heart.
Know that no matter how good a person's intentions appear,
and no matter how well spoken a person may be, if they tell you they are expanding your world by asking you to make yourself smaller, they are using you as a means to their own end.




60 comments:

vicariousrising said...

Kickass post, Q.

I've always wondered about hypnotism. My guess was that one needed to be a willing participant. I could be wrong. Certainly, I'd hate to hold that view of myself under my mother's spell. Although I give myself a Bye on that since I was reliant on her as her fucking offspring.

My mother definitely kept us kids from outsiders as much as she could. The weird thing about that was it meant we were also in her presence more, which I think she found inconvenient and annoying. I think this is part of why I of the three kids got to spend a tiny bit more time away at my grandparents -- I was the least compliant and irritated her the most. Her added bonus was that she could bitch about how the grandparents ruined me and I was all of-my-own-mind when I was returned to her. Of course nothing about me was her fault.

But it took me past college to recognize that my family was abnormal. Because I had no point of reference outside books, TV and movies, which were, of course, make believe. Or any discrepancies were because I did not deserve love.

Thank god some small part of me believed otherwise.

I wish I could save others from being narcissist supply, but I abandoned that sometime along with my hope that my sister would grow up. You can't save someone who doesn't want it, who still finds solace in the crap they are familiar with -- "but this time will be different" even if they don't realize this is the theater they are consigning themselves to.

As for the narcissist separating the weaker sheep -- what else would you expect from a cannibal?

Anonymous said...

Like a cult. The cult leader demands unquestioning loyalty and your buying into their fantasy world where they're in complete control. And if you stand up to that you become the scapegoat.

Sis

Tundra Woman said...

"Is there is lesson in all this?"
Yes. The moment you actually "see it." From there, it "floods"over every last part of your life.
Step back. Let the realities that flow from this to settle down. Take a breath of time.
It takes what it takes, IMO. I'm sure some people go to their dirt-nap wondering, "Well, maybe...if I'd a said/done that, it would have changed the course and then I could have"...what? Changed the course of history?
Q, none of us can do that. I don't care if we're 3 or 103. it was NEVER ABOUT.....US.
Ever.
TW

Bess said...

Great post, Q. Thanks.

mulderfan said...

Powerful post Q.

"Mellowed with age." Jumped out at me because those were the exact words NM used to describe NF a while ago. Yep, "He's different now." Closest she ever came to admitting my NF had a whole jar of loose screws.

But he didn't mellow, he turned to vinegar!

You're right. Narcs sense when you begin to question their reality. That's when they do us a huge favour by doing or saying something so utterly insane that we have no other choice but to walk away.

upsi said...

Divide and conquer. that is the template of my family reality. we are divided and I live another day knowing I haven't been conquered. like VR I have given up the rescuing fantasies. I will always be open to offering amnesty to my brother should he someday wake up and realize how he's been played. used and abused in the name of love. but I won't chase after a willing victim.

Anonymous said...

"it was NEVER ABOUT.....US."

That's for sure. It was always about them. There's nothing you could have done or said, no amount of 'rescuing' or 'saving', jumping through hoops, or anything else that would have changed them. You could be been made out of chocolate and gold and kiss their ass 24/7 and there'd still be something undone by you. Glad you got your freedom!

Q's Sis

Tundra Woman said...

Thanks, Q's Sis, But I want to make it very CLEAR I paid DEARLY/a price for it beyond a simple response. I'd hijack the whole Post.
And I BET you have your's as well. And that's why I'm hoping you'll start your own Blog. Really. You have so much to say, your own life which I've learned about secondary to q's and apart from his experience, you ALSO were "there." Even if you start from the trial etc., but I know there's so much before then.
You were the real "Mom" here, it seems to me and both of you, please set me straight if I'm off base here, OK?
So please, Sis, would you consider your own Blog?
Thanks. And of course, at your convenience.
TW

Anonymous said...

One thing you learned really well from her:
be mean to the weak and the flawed and the vulnerable.
You are killer good at that.
-Not CS, Trisha or your usual scapegoats

jessie said...

Are we playing a giant game of Clue now? It wasn't CS in the parlor with a candlestick?

upsi said...

Hi Anon,

I have never seen q be mean to the weak and vulnerable. i've seen him be harsh to disordered ego maniacs. I've seen him talk truthfully about his experiences with a mean ass Barbarian and vow never to be like her. if he has been mean to you, whoever you are (wink wink), why say such a mean thing to him? how do you have a leg to stand on here?

I disagree with your characterization of q. he makes grilled cheese sandwiches for those in his care and wouldn't hurt a cat. you, however, I can't say.

upsi said...

hahahaha we have an opening for Mrs Peacock, how do you feel about blue?

Tundra Woman said...

Oh fer gawds sake anon, find a happy home and it ain't here, OK? I get it's hard to be you. But no matter where you go, there you are.
So please, go elsewhere.
Because this isn't yer "Happy Huntin' Ground." That doesn't mean there isn't a "spot" for you in this world-there is.
But it's NOT here, OK? Yes, ALL of us are "weak, vulnerable, flawed" but in a very different way. And the way to address your's isn't here.
Keep lookin' and you'll find it. But retribution may feel good momentarily; over the long haul it's not gonna heal the hurt or the ties that blind.
Good luck, I KNOW you can do this. For what it's worth, I'm not being factious. Believe it or not, I'm not raggin' on you.
Just sayin; OK?
TW

q1605 said...

Never to the weak, flawed, or vulnerable.
Ever to the pompous, presumptuous, and disingenuous.

upsi said...

Noticing a pattern: we are really trying to move on and come together, and on every single one of the posts, right when we're starting to get that warm fuzzy "it's over now" feeling, someone sounds off a doucheblitz to reignite the arguments.

upsi said...

^someone can be interpreted as plural, you get my drift. One of the anons, etc etc ad nauseum. hashtag enoughalready

q1605 said...

Have you ever tried to convince a friend that their spouse was cheating on them and they got pissed at you?
So you ask them how they can be so sure.
And they say back,"I asked them, and they told me they were doing nothing of the kind."
That's kind of like anon saying it's not Trisha.

Anonymous said...

Noticing a pattern: we are really trying to move on and come together, and on every single one of the posts, right when we're starting to get that warm fuzzy "it's over now" feeling, someone sounds off a doucheblitz to reignite the arguments.
---
Is this the mayor speaking?
"We are trying to move on and come together."
Really?
hshhshshshshshhhhshhhhshshshshshshshshshshshshshhshshshhsh@

Anonymous said...

"Oh wait, first let us do a little dance on your ashes."
You can't complain.
We are the only ones who can complain.
Remember, if we can't complain then you are the ones who rule us.
Wait.
If we can't criticize you then you rule us!
Voltaire said that.
We are so ruled.
arrrr
pirates rule arrr

q1605 said...

So anon.
Tell us what is so commendable about you?
You paragon of virtue.
I assume you consider yourself above reproach.
Anonymous posting is a way for you to judge without the fear of missing the mark you set for others.
Usually the person that talks most of his own virtue is often the least virtuous.

mulderfan said...

I am getting so fucking bored with these damn judgmental trolls who don't even have the balls to identify themselves.

Stop pissing on Q and go piss up a rope!

Tundra Woman said...

Or at the very least, take your meds, OK?
TW

q1605 said...

Wait folks.
This is my blog.
Indulge Trisha.
Watch paint dry
Indulge Trisha
Trim my nose hairs
Indulge Trisha
Rearrange my sock drawer
Oh wait.
Let me get back to you.

q1605 said...

Hell I'll indulge that sultry bitch other wise known as Trisha.
She's so edgy.

upsi said...

I like when you criticize me, "anon" it's valuable feedback. i appreciate that you are so passionate about it and am listening as closely as I can for what you're actually saying.

upsi said...

Was the clue the Evita song? That we must love you? Do you want us to love you anyway, despite your anti-social behavior?

Or is this a do-unto-others-as-others-have-done-unto-you type deal?

Anonymous said...

I was going to thank TW for the post she did above, but the static of anons is ridiculous. The Blog-Ageddon is getting boring now.

Sis

q1605 said...

Ain't that the truth.
Maybe if she were lucid.
I get stuck with some drunk bitch posting in the twilight between the end of a Jimmy Buffet concert and her passing out on the toilet.

vicariousrising said...

I want to apply for the job as the knife. Or can we make it a sword instead? I always like sword fight montages.

vicariousrising said...

Hey, Q! Where's my grilled cheese? Where have I been? Armor covered bunny rabbit that makes a mean sandwich? That's worth joining a team for ;)

vicariousrising said...

TW, I'm putting in my vote for YOU to start a blog. Just saying........

vicariousrising said...

I'm going to ape someone with a switch hitter personality and respond to the anon with a *yawn*

Yapping without specific arguments is just noise, not a compelling comment.

*zzzzzzzzzz*

So giggling now. This is like my mother tuning out then babbling some attempt at divisiveness that really amounts to a crazy person yammering sweet nothings to no one in particular.

Anonymous said...

I think Q should start his own blog, because this one obviously belongs to Anonymous people.

Sis

vicariousrising said...

Ha! :)

Anonymous said...

what's that saying, don't go away mad, just go away?




Sis

upsi said...

I like where you're going with this. the role of knife, dagger, sword, and pointy sharp stake thingy goes to VR! proceed with caution, this is a full contact version of clue.

upsi said...

I've noticed the Anon "you guys are a bunch of assholes" routine also happens more fiercely on blogs with no comment moderation. Exploiting the freedom a blogger gives his/her readers just to hijack and terrorize - and somehow we're the assholes?

q1605 said...

I know upsi. It alarms me that there are cruel, fierce, and unkind people in this world that can be this savage, harsh, and unrelenting. I am apprehensive and fearful. It makes me agitated, disquieted, and disturbed. I am speculating on the wisdom and sagacity of bringing this blog to a limit, or to a natural or appropriate stopping point, and starting a fresh, modern, new-fangled blog, accessible by invitation only, and sending out invitations and propositions to my followers, co-horts and henchmen. That would be you upsi.
I don't know how long I can take these frightening and intimidating tactics. They are contrived with ingenuity in making or doing or achieving an end of my peace of mind.

upsi said...

oh the humanity!

(withers and faints)

how ever will we get through these trying times?

(weeping)

what can we do?

(pause for punch line)

tin foil hat anyone? beam me up to the asshole Mothership - take me with you! I simply can't live in these Cumbayah infested lands for another minute!
protect me, oh great one, with your private island of salvation!

q1605 said...

I don't want to get too real here but I lived in a small town where the people knew us whilst mi madre was on trial for whacking a guy. Being called a douche-bag doesn't have much effect on me.

upsi said...

yeah the Cumbayah drum circle is running short on a thickness of skin. I haven't run home crying with my toys yet and I've been slung some zingers. All in the name of healing. Bloodsports are not for the faint of heart or the thin of skin.

I miss the pre Char/Cal days of actually doing what we're here to do. Sis had a good one with Blog-Aggedon. It's a never ending soap opera.

q1605 said...

As the stomach churns. If you want to know the impact of a person, speculate on how hard people would look for them if they turned up missing. I am thinking if our anon wound up compromised they might send a cub scout and cadaver sniffing three legged chihuahua.
That's if any one noticed she was gone.

mulderfan said...

Bullied by my family, bullied by the kids at school (especially high school), bullied as a teacher by parents and higher ups NOW being bullied by a fellow volunteer (retired reverend!) on the local heritage committee.

When I take him down (and I will take him down!) I may let him know that I've been bullied by experts and by comparison he is a fly speck on the wall of life!

But to all the bullies out there in the blogosphere I just want to say: GROW.THE.FUCK.UP.

q1605 said...

Wait let me guess. You dared to have an opinion and it differed from his.

upsi said...

Bingo!

Anonymous said...

TW was saying I could start a blog. My blog would be probably like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cAYDiPizDIs

I would be the part of Anne, LOL.

Sis

q1605 said...

Do what you can sis.
I am cracking under the strain.
That and my allergic reaction to ibuprofen.

Anonymous said...

seriously, stalked much?

Here's how I see the blog-athon-armaggedon-post-apocalyptic posts:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mi2sUcVkm9E

Sis

q1605 said...

Ain't that the truth. If you started blogging it wouldn't have to be about anything particular thing.

mulderfan said...

Sis, your brother's right. It doesn't take much to get a conversation started in these parts!

Bess said...

Fuck off. If u don't like it here, take a fucking leap, coward.

upsi said...

All My Trolls.

General Douchespital

Days of Their Lies

Anonymous said...

thanks for the blogging ideas, I might do it. But it seems like a lot of work just to keep away the trolls, lol. I would need Pest B Gone or something.


Sis

upsi said...

Don't let this blip on the blogger radar persuade you that it's always like this - Sis you are great to have around, whatever you decide to do, it is fabulous to have you here.

Anonymous said...

thank you, upsi! I'm glad you guys are around!

Sis

Gladys said...

I NEVER GET A TROLL! I WANNA BE A COOL KID!! Q, you and Upsi and Vanci SUCK i thought we were bfffs. Damn trolls. Sis, i also vote you start writing. AND YOU TOO TW I'm serious I'm scary. Write, varmints!

Gladys said...

Oh man up, you handsome stud. After the Barb, these trolls are like mothers milk. HAHAHA ewww. gross.

Gladys said...

Turned to vinegar, I love that. They get older and tougher (like bad meat) and just boil down to their true essance. They just become smaller, denser versions of themselves.

Gladys said...

I'm the candlestick. Big, heavy, deadly blunt object.

q1605 said...

Say good night Glady's.