You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop and look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself," I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.
All my life, as a child living with my mother and after, I always felt like I was on a road that I didn't want to be on. Every one told me not to worry. That not liking your direction in life was normal. Implying that this abnormality was some how a driving force in finding the right direction and finding a better station in life.
These were the people who didn't know the truth about the Barbarian. People that didn't understand that there were really people like my mother. And people who wouldn't want to understand if I could get it through their thick head what a twisted sick fuck it was that had instilled all these insecurities.
Fear is not a bad thing. Fear is an indicator that we are leaving our comfort zone.
But I don't want to give in an inch to fear.
I don't want to be that guy anymore.
All my life with the Barbarian, fear would be one thing I rarely felt. Having an open door to her house was playing it safe. Every thing I did was safe.
As long as my actions were not ones she opposed, there was no need to fear.
This was entirely impossible, because she would have opposed every thing I did. Every thing I stood for.
Each time I was in her presence, I was forced to split myself in two. And like the false self a Narcissist presents to outsiders, I was forced to present a false self to her.
I could talk about drinking, and chasing skirts, because that fit into the world she approved of.
Or a friend banging another friend's wife.
And betrayal's and lies.
It's what she feeds on.
But I could never speak of my love for a woman and her children.
I could never speak about any act of kindness bestowed on someone else.
That would make me a mark.
And no matter what projection fest she subjected me to on any given day, it was to be weathered and never in a million years was I to ever criticize her.
To say the smallest, unmeasured word, was to open myself up to the worst narcissistic rage.