I always say. Anything worth doing, is worth waiting till the last minute to do. And in that spirit, I would like to start a grass roots movement for all Americans to have Jim Goad placed on the ballet as a write in candidate in next month's presidential elections. I am well aware that Mr. Goad's lack of awareness of me calling him to duty, as well as me reprinting his column without permission makes me more likely to get a C&D from a Mexican mall lawyer than it will result in Goad answering this call to arms. But I feel it is incumbent on me to be proactive in today's political landscape. If for no other reason than to atone for a ten year absence from the polls. Don't blame me, take it up with the state of Texas.
Ladies and Gentleman. I give you Jim Goad, the next president of Los Unido Estado.
Lets invade Canada!
Although I think it would be very, very
funny if we were actually to invade and
forcefully subjugate Canada, I’m actually somewhat serious
when I say that we should at least consider doing so.
We can annex the Canadian territories peacefully or by
force, and I must state for the record that I’d prefer it be by
force if for no other reason than the personal amusement
and emotional satisfaction it would bring me.
Even though we hear endless propaganda about how
Canucks are our happy-go-lucky trade partners who share
the world’s longest undefended border with us, I believe
it’s in our nation’s best interest to storm the 49th parallel
and make Canada our 51st state.
I realize that the idea of invading Our Boring Neighbor
to the North has been a comic device in films such as
Canadian Bacon and the South Park movie. It has also
been suggested in essays you can find all over the Net,
ranging in intent from completely satirical to rabidly literal.
So I’m by no means claiming that my idea is original.
However, I like to believe that no man alive is able to articulate
the reasons we should do this better than I can.
Invading Canada and immediately enslaving its inhabitants
would be a good thing for the following reasons...
REASON #1: We can get the fuck out of the Middle East and
let them eat each other alive over there.
Canada’s oil reserves are second only to Saudi Arabia’s. Rolling
right over Canada would be much quicker and less complicated
than the current war in the Middle East, where our endless meddling
over oil only further serves to stir the wrath of the bloodthirsty
There are 1.2 billion Muslims worldwide.
There are only 33 million or so people in Canada.
It’s much less risky to piss off the Canadians.
What are they going to
throw at us—beer bottles
The rest of the world
wouldn’t really CARE as much
if we invaded Canada, because,
like us, the rest of the world
doesn’t really care about
Canada generally or even think
about it that much.
REASON #2: Canadians
accuse us of being a racist
country, although America
is far more diverse than
Canada. By annexing
Canada, we can use the
almighty force of law to
make it the Land of Diversity
its current inhabitants
desire it to be.
When Canadians criticize
America, they rarely do so in
terms of cultural, scientific,
and global accomplishments,
because they obviously can’t
compete with us on those
levels. So they’ll take the
predictable route and blame us for all the supposed racism running
wild through the streets here.
It’s so easy to judge from atop the frozen sidelines, isn’t it? It’s
tres facile for you to sit up there amid heaping mounds of snowballs
and potatoes and condemn us, isn’t it?
But let’s look at the numbers:
In 2006, there were nearly eight million more black people
living in the USA than there were total people living in all of
In 2006, there were 12.7 million more Hispanics living in the
USA than there were total people living in all of Canada.
In 2006, there were almost five million more foreign-born
people living in the USA than there were total people living in all
Remember—Canada is actually larger than the USA. It’s second
in size only to Russia. Surely, if they’re so serious about multiculturalism,
they’d have room for some of these people.
There are currently—what?—an estimated five or so black people
living in Canada, and they are officially known by their street
name, “The Toronto Raptors.”
Canada hosts nearly four times as many Asians as they do
blacks, and they ain’t got many Asians.
You need more than one race to be a racist country. You can’t
lecture anyone about racism when you haven’t at least had an
honest chance to be racist.
Being that Canadians are generally as white as their winters,
their anti-racism rings a little hollow. Basically, the scope of their
cultural diversity extends to a tolerance of the French—the worst
of all possible groups to tolerate.
But still they yammer about our tragic legacy of slavery, immortalized
in the Steven Spielberg film Amistad. You probably didn’t
know that Canadians practiced slavery, too. It was abolished in
Canada not by the Canadians, but by the British Crown—in 1834.
Wow. You beat us to the punch by 31 years, and no one gives you
any credit for it. That sucks.
I’m going to gingerly raise the possibility that Canada’s terrain
and climate weren’t exactly hospitable to a profitable slave-plantation
economy. Their farming season is, what—one week in mid-
July? What would slaves do in Canada, anyway—go ice-fishing?
What’s most ironic is that Canadian public affairs and media
are rife with a clearly articulated anti-Americanism that in any
other context would be classified as bigotry. In a real sense they
are largely and openly prejudiced against Americans, the only
other quasi-ethnic group they’ve really ever had to deal with in
large numbers. Their cold bronchial lungs blow a predictably icy
blast of anti-Americanism that is both convenient and hypocritical.
At times it seems as if a smug anti-Americanism is the defining
part of their culture.
How many times will these jealous frozen knobs see fit to criticize
our socially complex nation until we see fit to attack them?
Here’s what I propose: After forcibly annexing Canada and taking
its oil, we immediately transport one-half of America’s nonwhite
population there, as well as any whites who wish to go.
We take your oil, and you receive a huge chunk of the diversity
you deem to be so precious from afar.
Let CANADA take the tired, the poor, the weary, the dysfunctional,
and the smelly for a change.
There’d be no more Manitoba or Saskatchewan or Alberta, if
those places ever really existed in the first place. It’d be one big
fat frozen welfare state called “Canada,” and we’d use it like the
Russians use Siberia.
I also propose the immediate and earnest construction of a
Repopulation Superhighway leading between Mexico and the new
American state of Canada.
By annexing Canada, I need to make clear that I am not proposing
that we unify all of North America into one nation. I
can’t see the benefit of invading Mexico. No one is moving there.
They’re all moving here. Let’s keep it an uninterrupted flow
from Mexico north to Canada. Let’s build a Human Habitrail
leading directly from Matamoros to Ottawa.
Hello, People of the Ice? Open up your hearts, because we’re
sending millions of your beloved People of the Sun your way.
REASON #3: Canadians are boring.
Canada is a majestic land of unspoiled natural wonderment, but
the human beings who inhabit it bear absolutely no responsibility
for that fact.
Instead, Canadians themselves have brought nothing of
beauty—whether it be literary, musical, cinematic, cultural, or
philosophical—with which to complement the magnificent natural
backdrop that frames their dull, ugly existence.
Go to wikipedia’s “Famous Canadians” page if you want a good
laugh. Scroll down and down and down past names you’ve never
heard and will probably never hear again if you don’t make a
conscious decision to do so. Of the few names you actually HAVE
heard, nearly all of them had the good sense to move to America
once they made a name for themselves.
During the days of the British Empire, Canada is apparently
where the Crown decided to send all its boring people.
Think about it—these are people so innately exciting, they pick
a fucking LEAF as their national symbol.
A fucking LEAF.
You were too cowardly and weak to rebel against the British
Empire, and you still haven’t officially wrested yourself away from
the Queen’s saggy teat.
You have no culture because you never really had the balls or
ingenuity to invent yourself like America did. You’ve had your
unimaginative baby mouth glued entirely to England’s mossy tit
until very, very recently.
amounted to much. You’re Pete Best, and we’re The Beatles.
Americans don’t know much about Canada because there isn’t
much to know.
Canada has an inferiority complex for a good reason. It’s inferior.
We’re not culturally imperialistic—we just HAVE a culture, and
your lack of one causes ours to fill the vacuum you’ve created with
your own unoriginality.
You hate us because we get all the attention. But if there was
anything about Canadian culture that was remotely interesting or
innovative or that inspired emulation, the world would have recognized
it by now.
You’re a weirdo tribe of people so out of your fucking minds,
you caught a distant glimpse of the Northern Lights and thought
that a place NORTH OF MINNESOTA would be a hospitable
environment to raise anything but a family of polar bears. You
beheld a frozen, dismal, Arctic hell, and you said, “Yeah—THIS is
where I’m gonna lay down roots!”
You’ll notice that not too many people followed you.
I’ve HAD IT with Canada.
Fuck a Canuck.
Canada, I’m all for bannin’ ya.
I don’t even like Canadian bacon. I always order the Sausage &
Egg McMuffin instead.
Canadians aren’t all bad, though. I admire George Chuvalo and
Stompin’ Tom Connors.
Of course you’ve never heard of them.