Friday, November 23, 2012

Marriage. The Leading Cause of Divorce.



If every married couple you know ends up divorced, and it doesn't make you stop and wonder if your upcoming marriage is the best plan for your future, then may you get what's coming to you. Because there is no advantage large enough to off set the fact that you just spent a years salary to legally bind yourself to the most unstable person you know.
The short term financial gains of marriage are great. Tax advantages. Health insurance breaks. It's a perfect financial front to present to banking institutions. Two can live as cheaply as one, and with two incomes, it's a snap to buy that first home, retire mortgage debt, and accumulate equity.
There are the gender specific skills trade off. Like changing a tire.
Although it costs five bucks at Pep Boys, and any woman with breasts, can con any straight man within miles to change it for free. You still need to hedge your bets.


Enjoy this unparalleled accumulation of wealth while you can. In a few years you guys will be a bundle of bitter hate, both working over time to sabotage and undermine exactly everything that the other is trying to do. Those assets will disappear in a flurry of single malt scotch, hair plugs, and divorce litigation in a tenth of the time it took to acquire.
People shake their heads at the middle aged guy, flying down the freeway in a convertible with the top down, crooning "My Way" while his comb over cascades inches away  from being sucked into the intake of a Peterbilt.
 He has more direction than you.
He knows right where he wants this life to take him. And that would be head long into the piers of the Ventura Highway bridge over the 405.



Veteran's of holy matrimony. Ask yourself this.
Has my spouse spun as far out of control as I have?
Well.
Have they?
Are they banging around with every twenty something bit of fluff they can get cornered?
Quit playing sugar daddie and move the oxycontin addicted, barely legal, affair partner hill billies you and your wife have been fucking, into the pool house you paid for with bank fraud and a third mortgage. And with the money you save, get the therapy you all will desperately need after the kids start banging each other instead of you and your wife. Then maybe a judge will grant you a divorce.
Drug addiction is great justification for your life spiraling out of control, so stock up on Valium's.
Bleach your short term memory while you still have the illusion of control, and before it dawns on you that with out money, control feels a lot like self loathing. If you are shaking your head up and down asking yourself how a cracker from Texas knows you so well, it is already too late.
Way too late.
You are going to have to stand in place like a kid in a dunce cap. Let your your soon to be ex slice your throat. And lay your empty head on your empty wallet beside the pile of month old credit card statements  and bleed out.


I have these words of hope for you.
This is what you need to do.
 NEXT TIME the Jones for marriage dulls your senses.
Find a magic marker, take a piece of cardboard, and make a sign asking for donations to the national "don't get your ass dragged from your car and beaten while stopped at a red light fund."
Panhandling is your destination employment anyway. Why wait til the last minute.
Start hustling change and marinating your liver in cheap wine now.
Apply yourself, and with any luck, you will be dead before you get old.
Who from the 60's never sang "my generation" in the shower?
Wrong!
It was a trick question.
No one took showers back in the sixties. The closest to bathing any of my friends got, was standing in the rain after the wind blew our tent away at Woodstock.
So get married if you want. We'll have something in common.


If I could choose between marriage, and reliving a week-end in up state New York, vibrating in sync to ear splitting, and mind numbingly naive lyrics about changing the world, while having a psychotic breakdown induced by harsh psychedelics manufactured in a bath tub by flunking chemistry students from Berkeley. Then spending several more years of accelerated aging brought on by drinking the cheapest of shoplifted wine and eating nothing but surplus government cheese.
Only to finish off by having my final years roll by in a horrific wasting away in some Nazi concentration camp-like warehouse for the disposal of the aged and in-firmed folks relegated to the margins of society.
It wouldn't give me one seconds pause.
Don't even have to think about it.
Not for a second.
If I had started that tailspin up front, instead of getting married, I would be dead by now and all my ex wives would be sorry they ever treated me the way they did.


I know what you folks that think you know it all are saying. Oh fuck you mister know it all bastard headed rat fucking piece of shit Q you. Me and boopsy love each other ever so much, and we are tying the knot this very week end.
Oh yeah?


Don't think you have it made because you are this * close to the alter and no one has abandoned ship. Talk to me after your new wife turns up naked in the cabin of the lounge singer booked on your honeymoon cruise.
Women take heed. Many a husband has lost himself in the hypnotic rush of flaming drinks served at the captains table in the presence of one of the top rated Wayne Newton impersonator's of the cruise industry.
Laugh at me now.
But you'll see.
Don't forget.
You heard it here first.




14 comments:

mulderfan said...

I always thought marriage was an unnatural state and I ought to know! I dated a guy for over eight years then stayed married to him for another 28 before the son-of-a-bitch up and died when he was 61.

We were a couple of fuck-ups and I loved the shit outta him! He's out there on his favourite golf course (in the woods by the 3rd hole) and I'm still pissed with him for leaving me.

Two months after he died my dear old mum told me to get over it and stop talking about him.

What I wouldn't give for one of his bear hugs right about now but, I'll tell you this, I'm never getting married again!

vicariousrising said...

Cynical much, Q?

I think you need a hug or something. Sending a virtual one.

q1605 said...

O'me of little faith.

Door mat said...

"your new wife turns up naked in the cabin of the lounge singer booked on your honeymoon cruise."

as soon as the bitch starts sleeping with your wife instead of you.

Actual experiences?

upsi said...

It's the 'for better or worse' that tripped me up. The promise to never say quit, to stay and try as it gets worse and worse. Thinking its just what you do when you marry someone. I'm not sure it's a promise worth keeping when someone tosses you out like yesterday's coffee grinds. And while I believe there are people out there who make it work, people who continue to renew their promise and be faithful to their spouse, it's rare these days. Our culture just doesn't incentivize the lifelong mate. And as creatures maybe it's the hardest thing for us to keep the promise.

q1605 said...

Upsi, in my circles the spouses inhumanity to other spouses club far exceeds the straight and narrow clique. The maybe one marriage I know of that is still intact, both partners have cheated. Neither spouse knows about the other. Both of them gave me the golden turd. That's what I call it when a friend tells me something like he/she cheated on their spouse and they feel so much better now that they have unburdened themselves.
I however must squirm and feel like I am betraying the other spouse by keeping their secret.
I am to the point that instead of the couple spending the wedding night alone together, I think every one in attendance should rent a room and make a pile and get it over with.
Doormat.
Maybe a third experience. A third embellishment. And a third an over active imagination.
About the wife sleeping with the chick?
A man can dream can't he?
DM, don't kill the dream.

Tundra Woman said...

I lucked out completely in this department. I'm not sure why...maybe because I wasn't in a rush and neither was he. I wasn't looking to get married and neither was he. I was perfectly content living alone and so was he. I had my own life and so did he. Least this sounds like the euphoric ramblings of some old widow, my S/M and my friends as well as his use to remark, "Your marriage is the exception, not the rule." I'd laugh and say, "I know. I have an exceptional partner!"
And I did.
When we learned he was dying, I brought him home from the hospital and cared for him until his death. The last words he spoke before he slipped into a coma were, "TW, you ARE the love of my life."
That was 20 yrs. ago Oct. 18th; our Wedding Anniversary was the 12th. My heart is still broken. Oh, it's glued and duct taped back together but it's not the same. I have never stopped loving that man and I never will. I miss him every *single* day. And I wish more than anything, in the morning while I was getting dressed for work I'd hear him say, "Buttons? Buttons!" while he fumbled around, used those big paws of hands to try to close some fastening on the back of my dress or blouse. At the end of the day, I could just sit across the kitchen table from him and talk about our respective day. Or when we crawled in bed at night, I'd hear him say, "Ya know TW, sometimes the best thing you can say about a day is you survived it."
Just one more time.
TW

q1605 said...

Every now and then the powers that be gets it right.
Most of my marriages end with a few of my friend's laying down suppressing fire, while I run to the garage to fetch my power tools.

upsi said...

Beautiful comment, Tdub, as usual. And thanks for your email, I'm truly doing fabulously.

q1605 said...

Yeah Mulderfan. I wouldn't get married on a bet.
Not again. It's much adoe about nothing.
A marriage license won't keep you together.
The lack of one won't keep you apart.

K said...

Marriage= the most expensive breakup I ever had.

The expectations of being "married" and as upsi said the whole, "for better or worse" shit just makes the whole thing impossible. I remember having a shock through my body, "GET OUT" after being married 4 months and numbing it down with booze and alcohol because who really wants to be "divorced" at 28? Ah, so much bullshit wrapped up in a little ceremony. I enter all relationships, now, with eyes open.

and I've sworn off men forever ;)

upsi said...

Word baby girl, wooooord.

Tundra Woman said...

If I had gotten married to any one of the guys I was involved with in my younger years it would have been even more of a mess than the relationships themselves. I really DID have to spend some time-like a few years worth of ahhh..."DIY" or "minimally invasive" relationships-before I was fit for human consumption, never mind marriage.
Just look at the templates we were given: C'mon, it's not like we had-what's that term agin?-oh yeah, "Good Enough" (what ever the hell THAT means?) marriages. "Good Enough" for what? Election? Execution? Electrocution? Hormonally Driven/Aided and Abetted by copious amounts of alcohol/drugs, the "Social Clock" that sez, "OK. NOW you get married and live happily ever after except you still have a LOT of growing to do. And in case ya haven't noticed, so does your prospective spouse."
The fine print and the template ensured I had a string of less than-oh HELL, I had a shit load of CRINGE-WORTHY "relationships" during those years, so my "Halo" never fit right, was tarnished straight out of the box and has resisted all efforts at remediation since. I just stopped looking, grew and grew up and found someone whose was just as banged up, tarnished and experienced as mine.
No, we did NOT "discuss" exes. We just assumed given our ages there were and there was no sense re-visiting the scenes of our relationship "crimes." These "Tell ALL" folks who are looking for relationships scare me. WHY? If there's kids involved, she's not the Virgin Mary and you're both just plain lucky if there aren't. (From a "Strictly-Dickly" POV.)
Treachery and Treason, Perfidy and Preening aren't gender issues, they're human issues. IMO, just leave it at that.
These days, anyone who thinks it's OK to use MY toothbrush (particularly since I always have extras for "guests" on hand AND indicate as such) will be repaid by my strategic use of his razor before he's evicted from his over-night visit....on my long-haired, angora cat. That and Pecker Pills are verboten; this is NOT a "Wild Cat DRILLING Expedition" ;)
TW

q1605 said...

On my e-mail notification of your entry T-W it was labeled K. So I thought it was K of "Trying to find a balance" K.
I read the whole damned thing and was thinking Damn. This chick is channeling the same spirits as T-Dubya.
Duh.