Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Calabanastan 650

Calabanastan 650 is the brand name for the medication containing 500 milligrams of Calfiminist Sistartrate and 150 milligrams of potassium nitrate (salt peter). Calabanastan is indicated for the relief of chronic independent thought. Calabanastan is available by prescription only. It is a powerful central nervous system antagonist that decreases episodic rational thought while increasing social isolation and marked avoidance of internet blogs written by undesirable scofflaws. The action of Calabanastan is unknown. It is believed to target synaptic activity in the frontal lesbonic lobe of the brain. Calabanastan replaces even tempered demeanor with aggressive and impulsive moods, causing the patient to leave unhinged anonymous comments on prohibited blogs .
It is possible to relapse into rational thought while taking Calabanastan.  If you engage in dialogue with a disapproved blogger, or you feel an episode of level headed thinking overtaking you, take the next dose of Calabanastan 650 and cease reciprocal contact with bloggers not found on the list of approved thinkers.
After rational thought passes, it it safe to continue visiting excluded blogs, but only to flood their comment threads with diatribes attributed to fictitious lawyers. Restrict the duration of visits to the time necessary to carpet bomb the blog. LEAVE before you read or try to comprehend the contents of the post..

 Let your lack of impulse control and irrational anger be your guide.

In rare cases, users may experience a decrease in hostility, agitation, or depressed moods while taking Calabanastan. If you notice an increase in relaxed or calm states of mind, double your dose of Calabanastan and slam your thumb in a car door.
Some people can have serious reactions to Calabanastan. It is not uncommon to develop a chapped ass, bulging eyes, and protruding veins in the neck and forehead. Long term exposure can lead to hot steam whistling out one or both the ears. This is all normal and will serve as a visual warning to others that you are medicated and not a person to be trifled with.

Any unused or out of date medications should be disposed of safely by inserting pills into cheese wedges and thrown to the dog in your neighbors yard. A 24 hour therapeutic dose should dispatch even the largest dog.  If the animal remains asymptomatic, DO NOT jump the fence into the dogs territory.
Call animal control and ask for a technician properly trained in the use of tranquilizer dart administration.


vicariousrising said...

Calling animal control. There's a rabid one out there.

Jonsi said...

Actually, there's a couple. I once had to fend one off with a stick. No kidding.

Vanci said...

This post made me laugh... then wonder, wait, what'd I miss?


Jonsi said...

I'm pretty sure my MIL got a huge dose of this when she was younger. Animal Control must not have been around to handle the situation.

Do you happen to know if this drug decreases penis-size over time? Perhaps the user, if female, develops a deep baritone and a hairy chest and then walks around trying to impress her readership with scholarly advice about how best to hold one's dick in one's hand.

q1605 said...

Yes Jonsi. Long time use of this drug by males will cause the penis and testicles to dry up and fall off exposing a nascent vagina.
In women, extended use makes the woman know exactly what it is like to have a penis and gives her the ability to divert any questions directed at males about what the effects that penis possession and the concomitant testosterone that accompanies brings about will be intercepted by said female and answered to the exclusion of any input by the male even if he is standing right next to the woman.

Jonsi said...

Yes yes, that's something I have observed as well.

Vanci McPantsy - personally, I think if you laughed, then you didn't miss a thing.

Tundra Woman said...

OK, Vanci, you and I need a visit to the gyno-NO< NOT TOGETHER, but just for verification it's all where it should be from what is visible and confirmation of what's not cuz last I looked around, it was all right where it should be.
Or at least WAS.
But maybe it fled the scene/ran away when I didn't notice. (But I'd NOTICE something like THAT...I may be OLD, but I'm not DEAD!) I may be "Love Struck" or in a State of Virtual Virginity, but it's been a "constant:" That's ONE "variable" that hasn't "variated." Mon DIEU! It's been conveniently located in the same place my entire life so I think I'd notice if it suddenly went MIA.
OK, lemme go check..............

Yep, still there.
Oh crap. Who'd wanna hold THAT "Hostage"? ;) But I do confess it's held ME "Hostage."
Huh. I don't think I could make some guy's junk fall off if I tried.
But I never have......have I missed something? ALL THAT EFFORT AND LINGERIE FOR NOTHIN'? You mean, it didn't MATTER? I could a spent my money on chips or a new handbag with equally "positive results?"
Break my heart. Again. G'on, just rip off the duct tape.
Cry Me A River! ;)

mulderfan said...

In the Great White North we get our drugs paid for when we reach 65. I'll have to check and see if this stuff's on the approved list. Maybe the folks have been doping for the past 25 years or so!

Tundra Woman said...

Gotta be!
Mon Dieu, if Lance could be stripped of his Professional Junk, there's a "Doping Scandal" a foot-or a Snowshoe.!
The answers to the Questions of the Universe. I am not surprised another Tundra Person in the Great White North should be so practical. I think we gotta be; after all, we have that "Barbaric Practice" called Ice Hockey where the goal is to win, one way or another. Starting from the time we learn to walk we're put on ice skates. Then pushed in some direction and expected to fall down. And pick our asses up and keep on goin,.and fallin' and wielding these "Sticks" on the "Puck" (yeah, I know, change the first letter and..what ever..)
And "Concussions" are what the US calls "TBI's." Our "head Gear" is a home-made knitted "Toque."
Yep, rumored to have a bit of "Brain Damage" aka, "Common Sense."
We offer you Neil. And so many more you don't realize but still enjoy. We have enough of a sense of humor to poke it at ourselves.