Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Captured Rotation






There are two tragedies in life. One is never getting what you want. The other is getting it. As the children of narcissistic parents we can identify with the first category. But I saw my narcissist mother appear to get everything she wanted. And what she didn't get, she laid to waste. She died around people that were only there for the payday her death would provide. The people that would have been there for no other reason, but the right one, had all been trampled and mangled until we wanted nothing more to do with her.
  I have always advocated No Contact, but I don't know if that's getting as far away from these people as prudence dictates. I'll have to get back to you when I figure out how to get farther. I am beginning to think that once you are born to a Narcissist your fate may be sealed.
 The problem is that their dogmatic bite out of life is so black and white that the distance No Contact provides removes ones ability to monitor what you think you have left behind. My mother was so entrenched in the "you are with me, or you are against me" school of thought, that the minute I went No Contact, I was  dumped in the latter category forever. And that was fair enough. I didn't want her blood money. I just forgot who I was dealing with. And who I was dealing with was a vindictive crazy person. I failed to develop an accurate forecast of what this woman was capable of, despite my life of watching her slash and burn the people who should have been nearest and dearest to her. I went no contact and I let my guard down. But like the earth and the moon. We were still bound together. The  perspective may have changed, but never her volatile nature.

Some folks say "Evil prevails when good men fail to act". What they ought to say is, "Evil Prevails."
No Contact with someone as malignant as some Narcissists are may be swapping one hell for another.
And this is just how it is. I will still be a advocate of No Contact. But I will tell you that turning your back on a narcissist can be just as dangerous as sitting across the table from one.




33 comments:

Pandora Viltis said...

I'm not sure I agree with your last sentence. But them, my mother hasn't kicked the bucket yet. Being around her made me suicidal, even when I didn't recognize it was making me suicidal. I don't think she has the balls to try anything else.

q1605 said...

The problem with turning your back on a narcissist is you can't see them before they bury the knife in your back. I prefer my betrayal out in the open where I can see it. Keeping an eye on them them seems to deter their activity. Sort of like the way roaches stay hidden while the lights are on. I subscribed to "out of sight out of mind" when in reality it was "out of sight you have no idea what that bitch is up to"!

mulderfan said...

If people want space in my head and my life they need to treat me with respect or piss off.
Some are too damn stupid to get that message and try to communicate through others, while some have finally come to recognize a boundary when they see it.
What I don't get is, if we're so awful, stupid, useless, etc...why aren't they delighted to see us walk outta their lives?
Fuck 'em!

q1605 said...

Their compulsion to have the last word and the lengths they will go to have it scares me.

Joan S said...

My crazy mother pulls more mean and nasty stuff when I'm in her life. Right now she can only talk badly about me to others. I'm ok with that. But for me going NC is easy for me, it was her idea, last time she was psycho tripping. She won't call here anyway, because that would look like she is giving in, and in no way would she want that. So I have her locked in her own scheme.

q1605 said...

That's what I thought about my mom. Me and my sister compared notes about how she was throughout her life. When she has trustworthy people around her she tended to at least try and appear trustworthy. When she was left to her own devices the crazy train came off the rails.

Joan S said...

But for me, its the eye thing narc moms are known for. She is 79 and will walk around here with bare boobs(sorry lol). The put downs, the insults, that evil stare.

I know they can choose right or wrong, as with other relatives, not with me. I am the scapegoat, so there won't be any behaving.

q1605 said...

My mother was a disgusting no boundary bitch. You just have to do what is right for you. Just don't think that because you have shut them out of your life that they are going to be ignored. They'll just kick things up to a higher gear.

q1605 said...

What is up with them walking around naked? My mother did that all my life even with my friends over and when I was way too young or she was way too old for people to see that mess.

Joan S said...

I feel like I've found a home with people like me. This is such a sad relief really.

So they can eliminate all the boundaries. Showers too, the whole family can go pee when I was taking one. So clothing is just another boundary that they have to eliminate. And I guess no boundaries they can have all the control. And they go to great lengths to shame and humiliate us. They get a double bonus with the naked stuff.

But I can see what you are saying now, either way, NC or no NC their are still problems.

q1605 said...

I really thought I was shed of my mother when I left her house. I knew nothing about NPD and felt like I had closed the door on her influence on my life. Now I know they just start looking for alternate supply and join forces to make the person who left pay for his indiscretion.

mulderfan said...

IMO There are types that will always poke around trying to find a way to interfere with your happiness long after you've made it clear you want nothing to do with their drama. I picture these types as nothing more than a speck of fly shit on the wall of my life. In other words, a non-issue other than supplying a bit of amusement at the space I must occupy in HIS head as he plans his pathetic little sneak attacks.
The other types appear to honour your boundaries but will most likely leave behind one last hurtful jab as they leave this earth. The trick is to see it coming which will remove the surprise/shock factor.
I've learned to focus on my "real family" with whom I've become closer and closer thanks to the drama my biological family delights in creating. I'm closer with my my cousins and my daughter than I've ever been. I have newly found cousins from my husband's family and "sisters/brothers" I've met through these blogs and my AA program. These are all people I can genuinely call upon and rely on to respect, support and love me for being ME.
As for the rest, have I said "fuck 'em" lately?

q1605 said...

In my ending with my narc, I realized there was nothing I could have done to best her in my life. If her betrayal can beat me as an adult, what chance did I stand as a child. I don't think anyone could look at what she did to her kids on the way out and not see her for the twisted freak that she is. And if anyone is so delusional to think she was sane...or so invested in joining in her sickness that you will argue her cause...then fuck'you. You are no better than her.

mulderfan said...

I think Barb's accomplices were actually worse than her. IMO Enablers are in a class by themselves along with other bottom feeders.

q1605 said...

Well not you Mulderfan. The collective flying monkey you.

q1605 said...

Yeah they know what's up but if they can make a buck enabling your misery then they are fine with it.

mulderfan said...

Making a buck might be their #1 motivation!

q1605 said...

If that's all their soul is worth it's on them and not me.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

Thanks for posting this. I am struggling now. I feel like I will always lose. [at least in this world] She has trained others to think nothing I say do, want or desire matters. I am at the point where it may be more family members I have to add to the NC list. Even ones who live thousands of miles from her, she may only supposedly contact a few times a year, I can't even get a few photos without it being made an issue of.

http://fivehundredpoundpeeps.blogspot.com/2014/08/be-careful-of-nice-ones-conversation.html

I've had a hard life, with the health, bad finances and rest my life compared to hers is night and day.

She has money, grandchildren, two large homes, the love, respect--even if via fear and attention of others-I have seen cards and other things sent her. It's like my life was laid to waste.

Being a Christian I can lay claim to biblical promises of the first being last and the last first in heaven but I find myself praying to God to have some justice in this world, or a "break". I don't want to die sad and bitter or remembered as that woman whose family hated her. Isn't rare illnesses and a deformed body enough of a burden?

I'm one year and one month into NC and asking myself why she and the others won't leave my brain. Some ACONs can find solace and healing in their lives and their own children, family and careers, but what if your life is a bombed out crater where you have lost just about everything? Outside of my blog and a few support places and other ACON friends, I do keep my mouth shut about this stuff lest I drive people away but I feel like I am going to be haunted forever. I am realizing I have to give up on any hope of being listened to. I am on the adoption quest and realizing all the world's rules are written for narcs.

Even if you can moniter things via the few relatives you are in contact, they will do things like spill your secrets, betray you and always put her first no matter what. You will find out things how the NM hasn't even told the others you are gone and has erased you. You will deal with their spiritual blindness and utter stupidity and built in training. Humanity is evil and fact of the matter is MOST are cowards and this is why the sociopaths rule. My two sociopaths hated my nature in that I wanted to stand up for what is right.

Considering vindictiveness, I am a bit afraid of the emotional-less "we miss you cards". These blasé seemingly innocuous cards give me a sick feeling in my stomach. These tell me I am not going to be let go of so easily. I thought wrongly she hated me so much, she would be glad I had cleared out and drop it forever, little did I know.

I find myself wishing I had the money to move so she didn't have the address. I need roots and can't emotionally say goodbye to another town. So here I sit, I feel like a sitting duck.

I am so glad you wrote this:

"No Contact with someone as malignant as some Narcissists are may be swapping one hell for another."

I find myself worrying that my NC is failing and all I did was open an emotional Pandora's box. I feel like her little cards are messages to "get back in line or else". She never even answered the question when I asked why do I have a genetic disease no one else in the family has?

I feel like all I do is get to lose. More poverty for me. More rejection. It seems nothing ever changes and what she wants always goes. The controlled minds around her sicken me to be frank.

Religiously I have to avoid evil and I can't sell my soul. I have to do what God wants me to do no matter the price in this world.

But you are right NC can be very hard too. I am there.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

I feel the same too q, I think I kept contact with a few to keep some tabs, but that comes with a price. I do have some care for my brother, but I find myself already thinking she will succeed in stealing him away from me and she has convinced him to a degree I am the problem. You turn your back and aren't there to keep an eye on your enemy and they can plot and plan even more. I find myself wondering what more has been done behind the scenes and have figured out some pretty major lies. I prefer the betrayal out in the open too. However with very malignant narcs, and sociopaths, crawling back after a NC, is asking for the abuse, like whipped dog. Mine would make me pay for "embarrassing" her by leaving. To be honest I have fear intertwined with my NC too.

Some of you have one or two relatives they didn't steal or brainwash. I have no one in that way. She even stole and brainwashed my father's family against me.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

They have no boundaries nor respect. They will also play someone else in front of others. I had no choice but to go NC. Mine was so evil, I was almost ending up in the ER everytime I had to go on a visit, throwing up.

My body couldn't take it anymore. I find myself asking How did she win everyone and how did I end up with not one ally?

How did that happen?

[I have friends and husband, I may be an eccentric Aspie but it has been something that has troubled me and since I have gone NC, like always I am the one where nothing I say and do matters to any of them.

I know I have to not waste space in my brain. Even with cousins and brothers I am in contact with, I may have to think of them like old school mate acquaintances to survive emotionally. I am sick of listening to others defend her, even my brother and the cousins and everyone else. No one defended me.

q1605 said...

I still think No Contact is the way to go. My bigger message is to not leave and let yourself get lulled into a false sense of security. Rust never sleeps and neither does the personality disordered.

mulderfan said...

Peep, going NC doesn't solve everything overnight. They have spent a lot of years conditioning us into believing we're the problem.

The throwing up brought back memories for me! On my way back from wasting a day of my life trying to please the folks I would often have to pull off either because I was crying so hard I couldn't drive or needed to throw up.

Weird thing is, when I 1st went NC, I almost missed the drama. I actually had to learn to function in the serene, peaceful environment that "normies" get to experience on a daily basis.

Be patient with yourself. It will get better...WAAAY better!

q1605 said...

Yeah MF I remember growing up and having a girl friend and thinking that things are going so well that it is boring. I didn't turn everything into a histrionic insanity display, but I wasn't above picking a fight to shake things up. I won't say I deliberately set out to be difficult as much as it was emulating the abrasiveness I was raised around.

q1605 said...

Peep, there was about a three year lag from when I went no contact and when my mother died. She stayed busy the whole time. We just don't stand a chance around people whose every thought breath, and deed revolves around screwing people over. I thought I had cleared myself of her in anticipation of her eventual death. She showed me.

q1605 said...

Their compulsion to have the last laugh is larger than their fear of death. My mother knows what she did to us. She can lie about it all she wants. In the end her immediate image meant more to her than anything else. Including every family member who ever drew breath on this earth. If she has to reconcile her actions with ancestors in the afterlife.......she got some splaining to do.

Emma Last said...

I found your blog through House of Mirrors a place I go to when I need to make some semblance of sense out of my family experiences. I am getting a lot out of your blog too, thanks for sharing. I have a NM and a very malignant N-sister. I went very low contact last year, one of the reasons I decided to stay involved for family occasions was to quell some of the rumours that would build if I wasn't around at all. I am very pleasant when I see them and work hard to be on guard. I think I am succeeding until 'wham' they've got you good again! Cruelty disguised so cunningly that if you dare mention it to someone else they will think you are paranoid and delusional. One recent example - I booked a trip out of the country for my b-day this year- I was claiming to myself that it was my 1st real birthday. The two evil doers invited me to a movie before I left and I knew it was tied to my birthday and I went with armour. I was given Calgon body wash ($3) by my NM and nothing from my NS. This sounds petty on my part if you didn't know that they were sending me strong messages of we don't care about you. I knew they were mad that I had dared plan a trip away, by myself, and that Facebook friends were giving me huge high fives for doing it. In retrospect I am glad that it wounded me, it shows me I have feelings and feelings are what separates us from them. Yes I know they have them too but only anger for others and pity for themselves. My sister has upped the ante on cruelty because I've become popular in my deceased fathers extended family by organizing a family reunion. I think I totally took her by surprise. I am the one who has been the scapegoat and should know my place after all. She's just begun a relationship with my DL of 6 years which I know is about mitigating risk. I wonder do I warn my DL not to say anything? The issue is that my sister is by far the most charming and sweet and people feel "blessed" to be deemed important enough to get her attention. Or do I just tell my NS that I know her game and to stay the "f" away? Except I know that calling her type on their crap is sure to escalate the games on her end. You can't win for losing.

q1605 said...

"You can't win for losing". That's one of my favorite sayings and really encapsulates life with a narcissist. They have no shame and trying to do battle with them, hoping their conscience kicks in before yours, is hopeless. Lissette is the blogger that encouraged me to start a blog of my own. Something I will always be indebted to her for. It is very therapeutic to spill your guts and have nice people such as yourself chime in and share stories of their disordered relatives. Thanks for the encouraging words. I am glad that you are finding your way through the maze, and that I might play a part in you finding your compass. Speaking of maze I was just watching a Jeff Daniels movie called "Chasing Sleep". He described his life as that of a lab rat who is poked and prodded through a maze and took all the right turns and still got shocked in the end. That is sort of my point with this post. No matter what you do to please them they will find a way to put the screws to you.

Emma Last said...

I know what you mean by writing being cathartic. I've just started a blog, I basically vomited my life in the first and only post and thought to myself, "that's my life?" Oh. My. God. My pseudonym surname of Last I chose because I may be last but I'm not least...anymore.

BTW - I copied your Meryl Streep quote for my FB page and it was a hit among friends (if not family). I would hazard a guess and say that she's had dealings with a narcissist or two (or many).

On another note I find it interesting that most online ACON's I've encountered (in blogs) are often late 30's and up. Is this because we need enough encounters with non N's before we figure out it's not us it's THEM? I left home at 21 to move in with and then marry a sociopath, who I was with for 17 added years of hell. Maybe it's because we so often get involved with N's continuing what we know that our blindness is extended. We (victims) need the light to go on before we realize we've been in the dark. How many victims are convinced it's their fault and would never think to look outside themselves for answers? Mind you it just takes a drop of water to make you realize you're thirsty right? Thank God there's a wellspring on the internet is all I can say! P.S. - thanks for accepting my long winded posts.

q1605 said...

Emma, you are welcome to copy anything off my blog you want.
The problem Acon's have is with credibility. At least with others that have normal parents. The concept of having a parent crowding you out and actively trying to ruin your life is as foreign to them as walking on the moon.
Working in Hollywood, I would imagine Miss Streep is well acquainted with some pretty pushy individuals.
Not figuring out a parent is insane seems to be a late in life experience for a lot of us. Even those with a parent that is unmistakably insane. My first marriage was to a woman that became a carbon copy of my mother. I say became because she didn't manifest her insanity until I was in way too deep to just walk away. After our divorce I found out much too late that my mother and my ex were in cahoots and were way closer than any mother in law should be with her sons husband. The true depth of their conspiracy wasn't clear until my mothers death and how she disposed of her assets.

mulderfan said...

I saw a shrink for three and a half years. Keeping mind my own mother told me I was nuts and threatened to put me the nearby psychiatric hospital where my aunt had been on a number of occasions, one day with great trepidation I asked the guy if I was crazy. He told me I was surrounded by crazies and was the only one that was sane.
Emma, look up the meaning of "gaslighting". It'll change your life!

What happens to a lot of ACoNs is that they spend a lifetime trying to make sense out of the climate of insanity in which they were raised. A lot of them were like me and were told THEY were the ones that are nuts.
Bottom line. You can't make sense out of insanity and if you keep trying you'll go nuts. Don't walk, RUN like hell in the other direction!

q1605 said...

Yeah mulderfan! Crazy people are usually the people who think they are sane. It's the sane people that end up driven crazy.

q1605 said...

Emma I found this place googling "gaslighting" it tells it like it is. Thanks Mulderfan!
http://narcissisticbehavior.net/the-effects-of-gaslighting-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome/