Saturday, May 30, 2015

Do you believe your abusers happiness is more important than your own? By Dr. Tara Palmatier

Do you make her happy?When you become involved with an abusive person, whether she or he is personality disordered (narcissistic personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder or borderline personality disorder) or just your garden variety self-absorbed bully, aka “Crazy,” it’s quite common to cede your life over to him or her. You will eventually find yourself consumed and hyper-attuned to their needs and emotional states while ignoring your own.
You come to believe that you’re being selfish and unloving if you don’t tap dance and tiptoe around Crazy and cater to her or him on demand. Long-term exposure will warp your beliefs about yourself and relationships, that is if they weren’t warped already by parents who share similarities with Crazy.
In order to remain in a relationship with this kind of person, you have to buy into her or his narrative, at least to some degree, or shut down and detach. Otherwise, the cognitive dissonance would be unbearable. If it’s selfish for you to put your needs ahead of hers, why isn’t she being selfish when she puts her needs ahead of yours every single time?
If you’re considering ending your relationship, but are struggling with guilt, obligation, fear or the misguided belief that what you have with this woman or man is “love,” please consider the following questions.
Do you believe that her wants, needs and feelings are more important than yours? That her hopes and dreams are more meaningful than yours? Especially when she typically does little to nothing to pursue them or gets tired of the sustained effort and half-asses it? Do you believe her fears and grievances are more legitimate and in greater need of immediate redress than yours?
Do you believe it’s your responsibility to cater to her petulant whims and unreasonable expectations and soothe her temper tantrums whenever she wants attention, feels frustrated or diminished in some way? Do you understand why you continue to stay with someone who makes you miserable? With someone you believe is so crazy, unapologetically mean and likely personality disordered that your Google searched led you to this website?
How do you think you’re helping by staying with someone that believes you’re the source of her misery? If you’re each the source of one another’s unhappiness, then what’s keeping you together? Crazy enjoys hurting and blaming others for the consequences of her poor choices and bad behavior. What’s your deal?
Do you see how crazy the whole dynamic is?
If you’ve spent some time researching these issues, you’ve undoubtedly read several articles explaining that personality disorders like BPD (borderline personality disorder), NPD (narcissistic personality disorder), HPD, (histrionic personality disorder) and sociopathy are extremely treatment resistant and are likely to worsen with age. Yet, you persist in wishful thinking and remain in the relationship while you become a shell of a person.
The path to happiness and peace isn’t found moving toward this person. It’s in moving away, far away, from Crazy and her abuse. Healing and making yourself “crazy-proof” means facing and accepting some hard truths — about yourself most of all.
There are some websites that claim practicing “radical acceptance” is a healthy option for the non-disordered and part of the disordered person’s recovery process. I agree. It is pretty radical to accept that you’re doing something noble by tolerating the abuse of a significant other or family member who behaves hatefully toward you on a regular basis with no remorse, or at least not enough remorse to stop behaving hatefully toward you on a regular basis.
Perhaps sacrificing your own needs and rights became a source of pain-pleasure for you as a child. Were you required to give up being a child in order to get your parents’ love? Did your parents invalidate your feelings and tell you cruelty and indifference are love? Maybe making another person happy is one of the only or few things that make you happy, particularly making a person happy who is incapable of being happy.
Do you see the futility in that? Do you see it is its own form of craziness? Each of us is in charge of our own personal happiness. It comes from being at peace with ourselves, not from making someone else jump through hoops or demanding they sacrifice their well-being — and definitely not from being the hoop jumpee and sacrificial goat.
You may hope that if you can make Crazy happy it will fill the void left by the love you didn’t get from your parents — then everything will be okay and go back to the way it was during the honeymoon or lovebombibg stage. Oftentimes, Crazy will tell you that very thing.
It’s a lie. And deep down you know it.
By this time, Crazy has shown you her or his true self. There’s no going back.
Yet you stay and continue to participate in your own misery. You tell yourself you made a commitment or she wouldn’t be able to live without you (a grown, able-bodied adult) or it goes against your religious beliefs or that this is as good as it gets. Maybe you don’t want people to think you’re a bad guy or you’re a “quitter”if you leave. Or you rationalize tolerating the abuse because of the financial impact of divorce and the kids. These should be your only two concerns because they have real world consequences.
Everything else is social programming and leftover garbage from childhood.
It’s the residue of childhood magical thinking. The undying wish that if you’re strong enough, attractive enough, smart enough, generous, enough, pleasing enough and self-sacrificing enough that mommy or daddy will see that you’re special and deserving of love.
Crazy can be crafty.
Part of her sick, intuitive genius is getting others to believe they’re to blame for her cruelty, and that they’re responsible for all her emotional needs, many of which she can’t even identify. You know someone’s done a real number on you when you apologize for things you didn’t do and for the nasty things they do. By the time you reach this point you may believe the abuse really is your fault. You’re so turned around you reason that allowing yourself to be humiliated, lied to, manipulated and exploited will prove to Crazy how much you love her and will win back her affection and respect.
Please read this last sentence again. This is just backwards thinking. No one loves and respects a doormat, especially not Crazy.
If you truly want a shot at happiness, in other words being at peace with yourself, you need to stop focusing on Crazy and start focusing on you.
Who are you when you’re not focusing almost exclusively on another human being? Do you know how to take care of you? How to make yourself happy in a way that doesn’t involve making another person happy? After being hypervigilant in tending to Crazy’s constant pressing emotional needs, do you know what your needs are? Have you ever known what your needs are?
These are the questions to ask yourself if you want peace and happiness. By doing so you can break the pattern of relationships with the abusive and disordered.
When you’re comfortable with who you are and don’t require another’s approval  in order to feel good about yourself, Crazy loses whatever power she has over you. Healthy people with intact self-esteem don’t sacrifice their happiness or their lives for someone who repeatedly tosses away your best efforts and heart like an entitled child who’s grown bored with her or his newest toy.
No one else can give this to you. No one else can do it for you. And you can’t find it in another person. You have to feel and face things you’ve been avoiding and find it within yourself. It’s hard work, but isn’t it worth it? Aren’t you  worth it?
Say Goodbye to CrazyWant to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it  HERE.
Shrink4Men Counseling, Coaching and Consulting Services

Thursday, May 28, 2015

Why some mommy bloggers suck.

Say Goodbye to Crazy Episode 6: Why Some Mommy Bloggers Suck

mom ignores child to blogYou are a very comfortable, married woman with children. You have a good roof over your head, help with childcare, maybe even assistance with housecleaning and other drudgeries of daily life. All courtesy of a husband with a profession that pays for all of those very nice conveniences.
So, the challenge becomes what to do with your leisure time, which is now pretty much all your time. Why of course you go register with or some other mommy blogging site where you can spend hours a day trashing out your husband and picking at all his “flaws,” proving to the world you don’t pay that much attention to your children, who also have “flaws” you want to talk about.
Or, your husband divorced you/you divorced him and you spend much of your days on Pinterest, Twitter and other social media complaining about what a “deadbeat” he is. Never mind that he’s actually working a full-time job and a part-time job to pay you spousal and child support and you spend your days Tweeting and posting “Moms do it all” memes on Facebook while your kids are in school the better part of the day.
Perhaps once you grow tired of using the free time bitching about the man who provides you the opportunity to do so for hours on end, you can start a flame war attacking stepmothers, for not being “real” mothers; for being less than you are as a biological mother. It is Golden Uterus Heaven!
At this point you know you have hit pay dirt. You can spend all your time complaining about your privileged life, and you will get a ton of support from it from your fellow Mommy Bloggers. What’s not to like?
Well, you.
Watch it live on Thursday, May 28, 2015 at 7:30pm EDT, 6:30pm CDT and 4:30pm PDT.
Buy Say Goodbye to Crazy  HERE.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Verbis Diablo

Depiction of the devil as seen in the Codex Gigas.

In our time,  speech and writing are largely the defense of the indefensible,  language has to consist largely of euphemism, question-begging and sheer cloudy vagueness… the great enemy of clear language is insincerity. Where there is a gap between one's real and one's declared aims, one turns as it were instinctively to exhausted idioms. It doesn't much matter what people think because you can control what they do. 
But when  you can't control people by force and when the voice of the people can be
heard, you have to control what people think. And the standard way to do this is to resort to what in more honest days used to be called propaganda. Manufacture of consent. Creation of necessary illusions.To know and not to know, to be conscious of complete truthfulness while telling carefully constructed lies, to hold simultaneously two opinions which cancelled out, knowing them to be contradictory and believing in both of them, to use logic against logic, to repudiate morality while laying claim to it, to believe that democracy was impossible and that the Party was the guardian of democracy, to forget, whatever it was necessary to forget, then to draw it back into memory again at the moment when it was needed, and then promptly to forget it again, and above all, to apply the same process to the process itself – that was the ultimate subtlety; consciously to induce unconsciousness, and then, once again, to become unconscious of the act of  hypnosis you had just performed. Even to understand the word 'double-think' involved the use of double-think.  The power of holding two contradictory beliefs in one's mind simultaneously, and accepting both of them.To tell deliberate lies while genuinely believing in them, to forget any fact that has become inconvenient, and then, when it becomes necessary again, to draw it back from oblivion for just as long as it is needed, to deny the existence of objective reality and all the while to take account of the reality which one denies – all this is indispensably necessary. Even in using the word double-think it is necessary to exercise double-think. For by using the word one admits that one is tampering with reality; by a fresh act of double-think one erases this knowledge; and so on indefinitely, with the lie always one leap  ahead of the truth

Tuesday, May 12, 2015


When an ACON tells you she's an ACON she is telling you that she was a child raised in a dynamic that was unconscionable,  and unforgivable. She is saying I am the adult that was a child and this is what is left over after an upbringing by and around an insane parent or sibling that crowded us out of all the things normal kids take for granted. She is saying I lived in a house where one person was allowed to dictate to the rest of the house what the mood for the day was and that this person set the tone for all the other inhabitants of the house.
  If a writer talks about being personality disordered she is not telling you she is harmless or has been cured, because there is no cure for personality disorders.  She is telling you she came from a chaotic household and the chaos was caused by her. If she perceived things as stressful, she was the kid who locked herself in the closet, and cut her arms with a razor blade. She was the kid who threw dinner against the wall because she didn't like what was being served. She was the kid that was so crazy that her parents spent thousands of dollars to get her enough face time with a psychiatrist to be declared personality disordered. She was the kid who kept her family in chaos. She was the kid who held every one in her family emotional hostage for months and years at a time. NO amount of revisionist history will change that. And when she grows up and discovers being personality disordered is nothing to brag about, it is too late to go back on what you have been telling others. You were the crazy one. So crazy it took you your whole life to understand the people you trampled underfoot had the same rights and feelings that were so sacred to you.

Too little, too late. By then the child is grown, the dream is gone.

From now on when a crazy person tells me they are crazy I will take them at their word. Because when a person tells you they are personality disordered, that's exactly what they are telling you. Dress it as you will you are still putting lipstick on a pig.
People who are willfully obtuse to why we the children of the disordered get pissed off over everybody jumping on the ACON wagon, Are the same people who dress up like soldiers to get free beer and food on veterans day.

Sunday, May 10, 2015

I don't like ass kissers

From Narcissists Suck:
It is impossible to explain how evil came into being without, in some substantive way, lessening it. We assume when something is explained to our satisfaction that we've taken the mystery out of the puzzle. Its not evil...its the result of abuse. Its not evil...they have messed up chemicals in their brains. Its not evil...their genetics are at fault. Any explanation of the etiology of evil must discount the power of choice, free will, and personal responsibility. Period.

Don't fall for what passes for "truth" by the prescribers of false righteousness. They want peace at all costs. They are willing to overlook the crimes of abusers in order to keep things looking good on the surface. They want you to screw yourself by pretending someone didn't injure you, steal from you, slander you, etc. They demand you submit to bad treatment so they don't have to deal with anything as messy as your hurt or angry feelings at having been crapped on and screwed yet again. See what I'm saying? These people who condemn your negative feelings are demanding you put up with being raped. They are demanding your silence. In fact, in a real sense, they are piling on with the narcissist. They don't want to be inconvenienced by your justifiable reactions to evil deeds done to you or yours. Do not give moral weight to the opinions of someone who is only studying their own convenience and therefore willing to subvert justice in the name of a false peace or truce with evil.

Give up your quest to find peace at the cost of honesty. Be honest with yourself about what you feel. Attempts to lessen the guilt of the guilty is an illegitimate way to cope with your negative reactions to them. Accept the truth that a decent person should be angry and outraged at perverted and evil behaviors. Evil people create themselves. They stand before God Himself with no excuses for their evil deeds. He will strip away all their excuses in the final judgment and they will be forced to bear the full guilt for their choices. We should quit trying to be better than God Himself.