Tuesday, June 2, 2015

From Kathy Krajco: Victims of Narcissists are not to blame

You might want to book mark this page, Its one of the last few that give you access to Kathy's blog. 

The first thing the victims of narcissists need to know is that they are not to blame. 

Not one bit.

In other words, he didn't get mad because dinner was late. She didn't blow up because you are "too this" or "too that." You didn't "ask for it" by speaking up and saying that you deserved some attention and respect.

The narcissist attacked you just because you are there, period. Don't you have a right to be there?

Let's get real. Narcissists think they have a right to punish you just for being the way you are. Think, don't you have the right to be the way you are? Do you have to be some character in the narcissist's fiction that conforms to his or her specifications? 

Does that make any sense? That's as hateful as the crime against humanity of attacking people just for being a certain KIND or nationality.

The narcissist attacks because he or she is a predator, period. Predators attack any vulnerable prey that crosses their sights, period. Therefore, the prey is NEVER the one bit to blame.

It would make as much sense to blame a sheep for getting attacked by a wolf. So what if the wolf says, "I attacked her because she is an obnoxious sheep!" What idiot falls for that line? Yet narcissist sympathizers are doing precisely this and are therefore being irrational.

The narcissist attacked just to do it, and he or she attacks any prey they have some unfair advantage over. They never pick a fair fight. They are bullies, period.

They do it to vaunt themselves on others. It gives them a high. Like as in a high from a hit on drug.

Does this mean you are a saint? Of course not. Does it mean you have never said or done anything in an argument with a narcissist that you should regret? Of course not.

You are like a bank teller who gets shot in a holdup. You are totally innocent of getting shot. Don't let the sloppy thinkers like narcissists and their sympathizers convince you that you are to blame because you were rude, or because you were embezzling, or because you are a drug addict. All that is irrelevant TO HIM SHOOTING YOU.

Of course you should change those things about yourself, but the "intellectual" clowns who make out your character flaws as justifying abuse of you are complete idiots unable to see the relationship between cause and effect.

Being late with dinner is no excuse for the narcissist to attack you. Being "too this" or "too that" for his taste is no excuse for the narcissist to attack you. Demanding decent and respectful treatment is no excuse for the narcissist to attack you. 

I don't care how "threatened" any of that makes the poor, twisted narcissist feel. His perverted feelings are HIS problem, not yours. Like Osama bin Wanton, he will never run out of twisted excuses to rationalize his attacks on you, so get off the guilt trip. His perversity is not YOUR vice.

Narcissists attack you just to do it. You are therefore 100% innocent of your victimization. Blow off this absurd "It takes two to Tango" crap.

Doubtless, you will discover that there are certain things you should stop doing. Good. Now you wise up and stop being manipulated in ways that play right into the narcissist's hands. Now you cannot be victimized.

THIS is how you stop being a victim. 

But foggy-headed idiots (like those espousing the co-dependence theory) try to claim that you stop being a victim by pretending that you have never been made one. That's crazy.

That is magical thinking, like the narcissist's. You HAVE been made a victim. That's a FACT, like it or not. And "victim" is not a dirty word. Though being a victim is nothing to aspire to and is something to avoid, being a victim is NOT a sin. It is nothing to be ashamed of. To the contrary, the most innocent are the most unsuspecting and most easily victimized ... until they have learned the hard way not to assume that other people are good. And these foggy-headed idiots who blame the victim should be able to see that. (Maybe if they stopped thinking in buzzword-laden slogans, like robots, they would.)

You stop being a victim by wising up so that you are never again victimized. It requires nothing beyond COMMON SENSE to realize that.

In some cases, the narcissist has stolen something of value from you, like your job or reputation - something you h
ave every right to get back from the damned thief. You stop being a victim when you win justice and get it back, period.


Joan S said...

This has me thinking of something. If I picked my nose all day long, it would be my business. If someone wants to judge me for it, thats fine, they can judge and move on.

The worst I could be would give no one the right to abuse me over it.

And yes, dinner being late is no reason to abuse either. Actually that is a good way to test if he is a narcissist abuser control freak.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

good one. No we are not at fault. Hopefully we learn, get away and learn to read the red flags of narcs in our midst. I keep telling myself there is nothing I could have done "different" to fix any of it. They were going to be a narc and that means the outcome would be bad no matter what I said or did.

mulderfan said...

"Narcissists attack you just to do it."
Partly true but, I would argue, they simply can't live without drama in their lives, so if there isn't any they create it.
When we're lucky enough to finally gain the detachment required for survival, it's entertaining to watch their pathetic attempts to be the center of attention. They're predictably like a self-centered toddler shouting over and over, "Look at me daddy! Look at me!"
The worst punishment you can inflict on an attention seeking toddler or narcissist is to simply ignore them.

q1605 said...

with mine it was all about the drama. It got boring and it was all about starting fights with my father and slinging shit about me and sis to my grandmother. No pot was too think to leave unstirred.

q1605 said...

But we DON'T learn I was over 50 before I went NC. I blame myself and a society that protects these guys at all costs. Once I started reading about NPD I had my light bulb moment. But by then I was old and it was too late.

q1605 said...

Peep I knew my mother had problems but didn't know they had a name. I bought a book called "I hate you please don't leave me"and recognized more of my mother in the pages than I did my ex-wife.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

The drama NPDs with the borderline wings surely must be the most hellish ones. They still work in stealth at times but then you have the screaming, the thrown dishes and more. I think society protects these people too to the utmost. It is them who get the most breaks. I remember my light bulb moment, I am kind of pissed I couldn't learn this stuff as a teen, then I could have coped better rather then being stuck in "seeking love or a relationship" with someone who was incapable of it. I was too old too, and by then I was a wreck...[even knowing this stuff in the workworld would have gone a long long way]

I think there are borderline Malignant NPDs [drama up the whazoo] and the more quiet stealthy types who smile and stab you in the back and surprise you. Both are really bad. I knew mine had a problem too but even here societal brainwashing kept me from asking, "How come my mother never feels fear?", "Why doesn't she have any emotions? I recognize the ones with borderline wings in the family too.

q1605 said...

Both my mother and my ex were capable of splitting themselves in two and presenting as two distinct personalities. My first wife wanted to go on a vacation with her family but her mother was not going to let us join her. She said she needed to work on her marriage and get that on track first. All this was stuff I didn't hear about until later. All I know is I came home from work and my wife had a home cooked meal waiting and then dragged me into the BR after. It didn't take many times of this until I was eating out of her hands. Then we left for vacation and when we came back all our cars were parked in different lots. AS soon as her family made the corner and couldn't see us anymore she flung my hand away from hers and said DON"T F"ING TOUCH ME! So she changed her whole behavior to present a happy marriage to her mother and AS! SOON! AS! THEY! COULD! NOT! SEE! HER! ANYMORE! SHE! CHANGED! RIGHT! BACK! TO! HER OLD!BITCH! SELF!. the transformation was instant and complete. WE divorced a couple of months later because she knew I knew her for what she was and it would take too much effort to placate me. So she just started hooking up with one of our neighbors.

q1605 said...

This was a trait of my ex that I shared with my mother. I think it just made her like her more.

Pandora Viltis said...

When I was young, I always was on eggshells not knowing what would set my mother off. Because it could be anything. Like my boyfriend sitting too gracelessly on her sofa. Whatever that meant. There is no winning, so I don't participate in the twisted game.

q1605 said...

Gracelessly is the perfect word to describe what made my mother go off. She called my sister uppity to justify cutting her out of the will. The word got her point across but was vague enough to make sure anyone that heard it was on guard with her lest they lose access to her mammoth fortune. I wasn't worth selling my soul for, but it was a right fuck you from her on the way out.

Pandora Viltis said...

Yeah, those bizzaro vague insults always put me off balance. But that was part of the gas lighting point, I suppose.

Gigi said...

I love this post so much!

My narc sister would always throw around the word co-dependent with a snarl and blame. She used/uses psychological terms to victimize and re-victimize and prevent me from developing natural anger and natural self protection. I "let her"(not really!!) make me feel guilty and like I need to be different in order not to be victimized.

Now I hate those terms so much.

I no longer look into the words of these monsters to find out their meaning. Because some of them are more educated and can sound like they are actually saying something when really they are just using logic to twist things.

Now I look at the intention behind their sharing. And its always, always to dominate. Everything they share is to cause someones value to be lessened, diminish someone's rights, discourage kindness, encourage tolerance of abuse, confuse, enrage and otherwise cause commotion or disturbance.

None of these people would have a leg to stand on if some people didn't think abuse was justified, and if the victims weren't made to feel ashamed.

Being vulnerable doesn't mean you had it coming to you and the person whose intent to harm you doesn't matter.

q1605 said...

Gigi I just saw a movie where a guy asks his grown daughter if she thought he was a bastard. She says No Dad! A bastard is someone who makes everyone around them miserable because they are.

mulderfan said...

Q your comment reminded me that my dad used to call my older brother a bastard while he was beating on him. Guess the silly bugger never thought about the real meaning of the word and what it made my mother.

Gigi, great comment! It could actually be shortened to "Everything they share is to cause harm to another."

q1605 said...

I guess he should have called him a "son of a bitch"?