Thursday, November 12, 2015

Parasitic Castration


I always feel like a whiner trying to explain to the uninitiated what it's like to be raised by a narc.
If you say they didn't pay for your college, people will tell you that you should do what everybody else does and get a part time job, and a student loan. This is a valid suggestion and exactly what I did. But they never hear the things like how they told a potential spouse you are a serial cheater and she breaks up with you and she happens to be grand daughter of a Rockefeller and went on to inherit a bazillion dollars .
The Narc is only about making your business their business.
And you almost bought Apple stock when it was initially offered but didn't because the narc didn't want a son that was a worthless fruit peddler. A job in telecommunications was dismissed as an exercise in soup cans and kite string. But when that industry becomes the wave of the future you don't hear about how they talked you out of it, people only hear how they recognized the potential and tried to talk you into pursuing a career but you were too stupid, lazy, and undisciplined to take the bull by the horn.  And little by little by little they become  parasites that get a foothold in your brain and change your body chemistry until you are just a puppet whose main focus is to make you forget about your own survival  in lieu of perpetuating theirs.
They don't want you to pursue anything that you want to pursue. They don't like your job, they don't like your spouse, they don't like your house, they don't like anything about you. And they are ready willing and able to tell anybody that will listen, exactly what your short comings are. So you've got people listening to your story and judging you on data provided by a vacuous bore that looks at your life like a dog looks at a page from a calculus book.
As me and another blogger wonder, why do they get such a death grip as we leave, when they obviously hate our guts.
And when you consider how to them the world is one huge popularity contest their meddling ways make us seem as disjointed as a politician explaining why he was caught with a dead girl AND a live boy.
They want credit for our victories but trash us if we run up a blind alley. And they are notoriously stupid .......if I could go back in time I would do the exact opposite of everything my mother told me to do.  What the fuck did she know?
 She died at the age of 80 and had never held a job or drove a car she paid for herself. Every house, car, and stitch of clothing came from some sucker she conned and fucked until he couldn't see straight.  Yet she second guessed every thing I ever tried to accomplish. She had a stroke and my wife visited her and she told her to give me a message to take women to her house and screw them anytime I wanted. This need to sabotage was not a personalty change from her stroke. She was like this her whole life.

36 comments:

Jonsi said...

It is ridiculously difficult to explain to people the intricacies and minutiae of dealing with a narcissist in any capacity. Choosing to continue a relationship with a narcissist in our adult lives is to constantly battle their manipulation tactics. It's hard not to start out by saying, "I know this won't sound like a big deal, but..." or "This is going to make me sound crazy, but I swear I'm not..." and so on. Not only do they spend all of their effort in making their intended victims feel crazy or over-sensitive. And SO much of what they do is subtle enough that explaining why it's all so fucked up can seem nearly impossible. That's why I believe the truth of their nature can be found in the details of their behaviors. They pull some whopping big shit, but I think they predominantly spend their time pulling a million tiny acts of nastiness and cruelty. Death by a thousand cuts and all that.

q1605 said...

Jonsi are you sure neither of your parents were Narcissist's. For a non acon you sure get it. I know LSV comes from the crucible but you certainly get "it"

q1605 said...

PS I was going to name this post death by a thousand cuts but I saw a nature show about parasitic castration and changed course in mid stream.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

The narcs think they are right about everything.

My mother thought she knew everything, and well, she came out of a farm and lucked out, basically handed a job with no college education via nepotism. So what did she know about what I and others faced including my husband? I had to fight every inch through college. Sorry yours dissuaded you from what would have been good avenues. I face the absolute sabotage I got. Mine acted like a know it all, and then I blamed myself for being a failure until I realized some of the ways she always came out on top. A narc can be living in the streets and still tell you that "you are doing it wrong" like they are the top expert, trust me on that. They teach us to forget about our own survival to be "liked" and in many cases when we are at our youngest to get through the day without being hit or screwed with.

Mine hated my hobbies, thought art education was stupid, hated my art work and told me so--even there I tried to please doing line drawings of things she liked and outside of those hated the rest, didn't like any of my friends while befriending my GC sisters friends, hated every viewpoint I had about anything. My mother was NOT an intellectual woman at all, I don't want to brag but I'm light years ahead but still people listened to her. I don't think the woman outside of cook books and romance novels has read 10 real books in her life. So your line about a vacuous bore who looks at our lives like a dog at a page from a calculus book is so so true. Mine never got me and never had even the intellect to get it. I died of boredom among the shallow and provincial, who couldn't even grasp one abstract idea. I wonder why men marry women who have far lower IQs then them. It seems they would die of boredom. Any man who does that betrays his own future children.

People who push intellect to the lowest level, bother me. I wonder about the death grip too, mine obviously hated my guts. Why send me cards or show up at my door, why is she so stupid not to get why I walked? My mother lived off my father and never was poor one day in her adult life. She never had to figure out the food pantry or learn anything new. Your mother was a parasite. I see people out there judging me who don't even have to pay rent like my Aunt Scapegoat, taken care of their whole lives, what do they know about me?

q1605 said...

It's off putting when you realize you altered your whole life around the whims of a person who is too dumb to be the town idiot. Mine always had this dismissive wave of her hand followed by a oh you don't want to do THAT. But it was things that most people find enjoyable like scuba diving or water skiing If it was stuff she couldn't relate to because if it meant getting her lazy ass off the couch and actually doing something productive, she thought it was a bad idea. During one argument when she was being particularly bitchy I said Mom am not one of your boyfriends, I am not a husband, You can't fuck me into doing what ever you want like you did with all the swinging dicks through out your life.
If looks could kill I wouldn't be here typing this right now.

Pandora Viltis said...

"It's off putting when you realize you altered your whole life around the whims of a person who is too dumb to be the town idiot."

This. So much this.

q1605 said...

I think I didn't realize it as it was happening but in hindsight I see a million things ......my mother wouldn't outright forbid them she would just drone on in that negative voice until you were talked out of it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q4P3pvKmbsg

Joan S said...

I couldn't cook eggs in a frying pan as an adult, I couldn't do it right, she always had to have some say. In a rage once, she cooked a pound of hamurger to a crisp and said, "now its done properly." She cooked it for an hour that day, a little over an hour actually, and we were all waiting for dinner, the kids and I. And those are just the little things. Yep, I get it.

So yeah, she should just have been the town idiot. But instead I am told that its just her way, she is your mother, and she only means the best for me.

q1605 said...

I was a bit of a cook back in the day and over easy eggs are not easy. Not by a long shot. That's a bit passive aggressive with the hamburger. That was my dads area. I have spoken of going to strike camp after a blue northern came through and I wanted him to turn the heat on in his car so he sets it on surface of Venus mode and when I complained about it being too hot he wouldn't turn it down. Heating technology in cars wasn't that bad back then he was just being a dick about it.

Joan S said...

Somehow, I am familiar with the not turning the heat down, and making it worse on purpose. I did know how to cook eggs as an adult, just she never approved of what I did. Sorry I worded that one wrong in my first comment. She always came off as caring, but it was destructive. I don't know how I finally figured it all out. With everyone approving of her and me being buried alive by her, it was strange. Like with your mother and ex, its so hard to escape from. It was the others trying to complete the destruction.

I remember one thing I started reading, somewhere online, I think it was at Anna V site. Somewhere it was written, "........so this person doesn't mean you well." Does anyone remember where that is? I can't find it and its all I can remember. I would like to find it and print it out and keep it, the whole article. It was the beginning of freedom for me.

q1605 said...

Even as an adult my mother would change the settings on her thermostat depending on who was there. When people would come by to visit me she would turn the thermostat up even though every one was already sweating. Remember I live in Texas and it gets hot. People down here didn't start putting air conditioners in there houses until the late 60's early 70's. We would lie in the heat panting like dogs. Until 2 or 3 in the morning and it would finally be cool enough to fall asleep. I guess she did that thing they do where they want to recreate the hardships they endured because it's somehow good for us. I will try to find that Anna V post but that's not much to google with.

mulderfan said...

Great post! Especially this "why do they get such a death grip as we leave, when they obviously hate our guts" which is one of life's great mysteries!

q1605 said...

Thanks mulderfan this was more of an after thought I had tried to cut and paste an email that I thought I liked well enough to turn it into a post but messed around and deleted it instead. So I tried recreating it. But it just wouldn't come back.

Jonsi said...

Wish I could respond to individual people on here.

Anyway: Q - My parents are definitely not narcissists, but I've heard a lot over the years about my father's FOO (not narcissists either, but seriously fucked up anyway. My father's father was schizophrenic). My knowledge of this stuff just comes from my observations of the time I spent in chosen relationships with narcissists. I have an interest in understanding people's behaviors anyway - so I guess I kind of go overboard with the research and analysis.

I also think that if most people educated themselves and gave a fuck (maybe two) then it actually wouldn't be that damn hard to understand some of this stuff. People just don't care and would rather be ignorant.

Joan S said...

I know they like to screw you over. It felt like hell. Being around them was hell, but they were the parent, and who's to say they are wrong, eh? I remember being 10 years old and getting exited when this random guy found a firefly and putting it in a jar and giving it to me. My father said I was a big flirt. Ok, didn't know what a flirt was. lol

Thanks Q, I know that isn't a lot of information, about that posting, but its all I remember, I was in shock at the time. That time in my life, I had just taken a course on my relationship site, and I had like only 5 minutes to open up to everything. The timing of it was perfect. So I'm hoping if someone just randomly remembers, I didn't mean to put anyone on a big search lol. But I would love to have it to keep it and have it with me always.

Joan S said...

And if narcs can only come clean, I know its not going to happen. I guess they don't have a soul or empathy, then just stop right there, full stop. But they take it further by mimicking human behaviour then taking it a step further by gaslighting, ie f**king people over, then they are outside the normal realm, I could almost feel sorry if they stop at just not having a soul.

Elli G said...

"And little by little by little they become parasites that get a foothold in your brain and change your body chemistry until you are just a puppet whose main focus is to make you forget about your own survival in lieu of perpetuating theirs.
They don't want you to pursue anything that you want to pursue. They don't like your job, they don't like your spouse, they don't like your house, they don't like anything about you. "

Exactly that, couldn't have put it any better. Especially the body and brain chemistry change to the point that you are made to believe that feeling like absolute crap 24/7 is normal, and you must feel guilty for doing or sensing anything remotely pleasant or fun.

I remember 4 years ago my current husband's mother was invited to spend New Year's day with us at my MNM's house. She toasted to having a grandchild from us that year so 2 days later that cunt of a mother I have arranged a full blown attack in synergy with my N brother and all in front of a third person, my N brother's best friend. She started yelling at me, asking how dare my husband's mother say such a thing in her house and then my brother jumped in to tell me I am not capable of having a baby because I cannot afford it. The attack was fierce and I was trying to look civilized in front of that other person so I didn't say much. What is sad is that at the time I was already pregnant and they didn't know. In a matter of days they both went no contact. Golden opportunity, I know, but stupid me when I was 7 months pregnant my husband had to be operated on and I stayed 2 weeks alone at home. I don't know if pregnancy hormones played a part but I made the stupid mistake of calling the freak and the abuse hasn't stopped since then, even low contact is too much for these pieces of shit.

q1605 said...

Elli I am just calling it the way I saw it. When you think back you realize you built your whole life around someone you wouldn't let tie your shoe in the real world. About her going off on you, she was probably due to spew anyway you just gave her a good target. She was going to blow over something you were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
And Jonsi. They are so one dimensional. Sort of like a hologram or the wizard of oz. You try to dissect them and you realize there is nothing there. They seem to think they are multi layered like an onion but really they are just one big turd that you can polish as much as you like and they will still be a turd.
Don't worry Joanie I haven't/won't spend a lot of time searching for that. The problem with Anna V's site is she did it so well I get off track reading her stuff and sort of wake up later to find that it's later and all I have done is wander around agreeing with her words.

q1605 said...

That's why I like that Showtime clip on the post before this. I have never seen an actor that can capture and broadcast the anger we have pent up. No one ever convinces me they really get it. Maura really encapsulated that moment when you realize every action and minute or second of time you spent since you were a child trying to make these people happy was all a waste. All the ass kissing you have done to stay in their good grace was just pissing your life away drip by drip and you finally see that what to you seemed like an arc of a life that added sequentially to build up to something meaningful was to them actually them using you as some trifling doormat to clean their boots on. She did it so authentically I actually felt as bad for her as I do for all the people I know from the blogs who have lived it for real. I bet she has a narc parent or spouse. If that was solely an act she needs an award.

Elli G said...

Q,

do you have an e-mail where I can reach you?

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

I had to learn to hide when I was having fun lest the narcs squash it. I may do a post soon called Narcissists Hate Fun. Life is a dirge and nothing but competition around them. I complain a lot about being sick and all that crap but I can go have fun. Maybe I will have more fun when all the narcs are kicked to the curb. Empty shells are empty turds. Reminds me of when I tried to get closer to my mother and realizing no one was home. We try so hard thinking we can get somewhere. I'm pissed about the time I wasted on narcs. Even being LC for all those years was too much effort. Every time in early time of NC where I thought, oh maybe NC is a mistake, and had doubts, I said to myself "BUT SHE HATES YOU! WHY IN THE HELL GO BACK FOR MORE?

Pandora Viltis said...

You know what surprised me about that clip was that Helen's mother didn't try to turn tables or fight. I can't imagine saying the things that Helen said to her mother to mine without my mother losing her shit. Probably because the one time I called my mother a bitch to her face, she physically attacked me.

q1605 said...

Eli
Q1605qq@gmail.com
Dont ask how I ended up with that. It's a long story

q1605 said...

Pandora if that's Coles baby things will be complicated won't they?
Egad.... I used to dog my mom so bad for her soaps and I am as bad if not worse.

q1605 said...

Pandora. I got pretty loud with my mother and in a round about way she threatened to kill me. I went out to the garage to work on my car and the bedroom I was staying in was right by the front door so I went out that way so I wouldn't have to walk through the den where she was sitting. I got to the garage and she heard me out there clanking tools so she sticks her head out the door that leads from the den to the garage and said something about how I could have walked through the den, she wouldn't have bothered me and I said back...evidently not meaning that I tried to circumvent her and she stuck her head out and gave me grief anyway. Then she said something about asking me if I knew that someone was trying to break in the front door when she knew it was me. I think that was her way of telling me she could shoot me and tell the cops she thought I was an intruder and not just get off Scot free but be able to work some attention from it. Like oooooooooo my poor boy! if I had known it was my beloved son I wouldn't have emptied my gun into him and reloaded it and emptied it again. HAHAHA I am joking but not really. I really think she would have done it. The strangest thing happened.....later I was talking to my sister and her son, my mothers grandson, was driving through Texas and he wanted to stop by and see her. She said she talked him out of it because she thought my mother might shoot him through the door and claim he was an intruder. The thing is at this time I had not told her about me and my mother butting heads and her weird threat. She came up with that thought independently of anything I said to her.

q1605 said...

Peep no offense but your comment makes me think of the biblical verse.
As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly.
I am as guilty as any one. You can't blame anybody for trying to avoid thinking the worst of their mother. Every thing down to the commercials on television are rooted in family love with the love of a mother as the cornerstone of the propaganda.

Jonsi said...

"They seem to think they are multi layered like an onion but really they are just one big turd that you can polish as much as you like and they will still be a turd."

Yep. Yep. And Yep.

mulderfan said...

Q, when I finally talked back to my old man for the 1st time EVER. (He accused me of making him look stupid and I actually yelled back "Why the hell would I drive all this way to make you look stupid when you're so damn good at doing it yourself?) Anyhoo, he burst into tears, which I've never seen before, and told me he couldn't live without me and I was the ONLY person in the world he loved. So, I suggested he start acting like it and walked out the door. Things improved briefly until he called me a liar, thief, forger, fucking moron, etc...
BTW this conversation took place at the bedside of my dying mother.

q1605 said...

M-fan after my ex and I were separated, she called me and told me to come get my piano from her house or she was going to roll it out in the street and let it roll down the hill and crash it and I just said right back, "And you wonder why I avoid you?" That was the only time in our divorce she shut up long enough for me to think. The rest of the time of us cruising down the path of no return was her shouting me down, shouting over me, making impossible demands and being an all around bitch. She had been giving me grief because I would never answer my phone when it was her.

q1605 said...

Jonsi...And you can polish a turd all day long and it remains a turd.

q1605 said...

Mulderfan how can you make him look stupid? I am sure he was doing a good job of that before you got there.

mulderfan said...

Q, I made him look stupid by pointing out that the dressing on my mum's bedsore, which thanks to his interference hadn't been changed for days, was oozing stuff and he needed to call the nurse to change it.He was actually stopping the nurses from doing their job because he said he didn't need their help. Yeah, THAT'S how huge his ego is!!!
That unattended wound was one of the reasons she spent her last weeks in agony.

q1605 said...

There is that pattern that no one on the outside seems to get. We try to take the high road and we try as earnestly as we can but they just won't have it. They will let somebody suffer if that's what it takes for them to be right. It reminds me of that vaudevillian line of how you are ready to fight down to the last drop of HIS blood. In your case "her." But as long as it costs someone else a dear price, it's considered cheap. Since there is no price tag for dignity they don't understand. He'll be there soon enough and then I bet he changes his tune.

mulderfan said...

Thankfully, I won't be there to listen to him play that tune. Deservedly, he alienated the one person he could rely on in a crisis.

q1605 said...

I didn't think you would mind Bess so I didn't bother you with an e-mail. I am not sure I have your email address anymore.

q1605 said...

M-fan I think their sense of irony is right down with their sense of humor. That the people that would stand by them through thick and thin is the first people they trash escapes them. In the beginning if a guy had called my mother a bitch I would have punched him. She told me that the guy across the street ran over her cat on purpose and she had to stop me from going over and jerking his ass out and giving him a beating. Now I know it was probably a huge lie. And by the time I left I was telling my mother to go fuck herself and laughing about it.