Wednesday, November 18, 2015

What estranged parents say about us.

This is the opening salvo on Daily Strength Estranged parents site.  On a thread about apologizing and making amends to their Estranged Kids

They chose estrangement. To shut down instead of work on. I think this says it all. You cannot make amends or apologize to someone who has shut you down. If they had ever been open to working things through, they would never have estranged you in the first place. In other words, estrangement doesn't just happen. They were distanced long before the pulled the proverbial 'plug'.

And the follow up .......

Ding ding ding ding ding!!! We have a winner, folks!! AND the best answer to "why" that I can think of!
It's like beating your head against a brick wall. All you get is a headache, and the wall is still there. <<hugs>>

This "shutting down" is exactly what an infant does- unable to voice his/her feelings, it's the infantile rejection, turn the head away, sulk and reject.Imagine if you had tried to say sorry to your 2 year old in that frame of mind- it's the same! Adulthood requires maturity, bravery, compassion and thought- never seen that in a small child! The question is why have they not learned to be adults? Probably loads of reasons, but my feeling is that in our technological society we "let them think they are adults" but fail to require them to be adults. My dad went to work at the age of 15, and helped to support his family. Some of our kids are still in the nest in their late thirties! Not good for us or for them. Hugs to all this November day xxx

You'll love this one! and I swear this comment is true and correct. I didn't change a word.  I just made it red to high lite it. 

Dang dognabit I think I may have to let ferdina's evil twin flubbity join skippy club and agree because really, one slap and the child is ruined forever mentally puleeeeze spare me. As a victim of gross child abuse I have absolute contempt for such a claim and any therapist caters to that needs to face the wrath of real victims of abuse.

Fucking beam me up Scotty There's no intelligent life here!
What the fuck does that even mean?? It sounds  like a Saturday Night Live skit gone horribly wrong.  
She's going to let ferdina's evil twin  flubbity join skippy club?
Sounds like somebody slipped a hit of acid into Sarah Palins cup a Joe

This is their opinion on making amends to their kids.....

I think that making amends/apologies should be more for our own healing. To me if I make any more amends it will come straight from my heart. Straight from what heart? I don't think you have a heart.
However............since we have had a couple of topics on apologies.............if I stand back, I can see where the estrangers/kidults might see us as weak. Can you hear them saying, "I wouldn't apologize. That makes you look weak."?????????
Just like some folks apologize for crying. You see them on TV in interviews, they'll have tears and apologize for the tears. Why? <<<<<<<<no need to answer that.
We are not weak. I think we can feel weak under the stress and strain though.

Is Doctor Phil in the house? And I thought Love was the ability to show your weakness to another and feel safe. I guess they would rather beat their kids than to appear weak

 - So Very True! DH and I feel like we're given less respect than a door-to-door solicitor or a telephone sales call. Moms put their lives on the line to give birth, only to be treated like dirt by their adult children. It's shameful, really, but ultimately like you said, they CHOSE it.

I never abused my kids...and there's never been any accusation of abuse!
Except twice...all around the same time
when my daughter came home from my exes age 15 or so
and told me that his new girlfriend had yelled at her dogs
And my ED had a "flashback" of me yelling at her once
Also I slapped her face on the eve of her 14 birthday
Not a proud moment but she'd just been so rude to me and I was so frustrated...:((
I feel so bad...oh for a time machine....

Here's your time machine Bitch. I hope it gives you a seizure. 

Err umm I call .......BULLSHIT!!!! and Here's my response to one, no two of them. Next time think before you give your kid one up to the side of his head. 
I told my mother "I am what you made me".
Considering I will be 58 in July, and knowing this doesn't preclude me from being a spoiled brat,  I am probably older than the pissing and moaning freaks over there. And in over 50 years I never felt the need to make amends to my grandmother because she was normal.

How about leaving your kids the fuck alone?They obviously hate you and I bet golly gee wilikers ding dang to donuts you earned that hate. 
 Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, Some Poems Rhyme, But This One Doesn't.


mulderfan said...

This is asinine! I can't count the number of times over the past 6 decades I went back down the rabbit hole and tried to build a healthier relationship with my NPs. In the end the opposite happened and the verbal abuse escalated, especially when the NGC joined in.

q1605 said...

I didn't think about calling my mother. Not after my ex wife sent me a letter calling me evil and twisted. And I also hear people tell me that she said my current wife poisoned me against her. There is none so blind as those who will not see. I get the feeling my mother was proud of running me off. It let her and my ex bond with out having to worry about pesky things like taking s dump on her son. That is she could shit on me freely and feel justified and no worry about what her circle of friends thought about her and her relationship with her son. If she was even a fraction of being normal none of it would have ever happened.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

Mine won't join a board like that to complain. She's glad I'm gone. I just got the cards and other crap for show-time for others. None of these people want real amends either, they just want to complain. They reek of narcissism and inability to see the role they played. Yeah skippity woman sounds like she got into the left over 1960s acid.

People like this don't change. I can read those comments and see immediately why the adult kids got out of Dodge.

"It's shameful, really, but ultimately like you said, they CHOSE it."

Reminded me of "You choose to believe things about me that are not true"

Pandora Viltis said...

Me too, MF. I was repeatedly asked to put my needs behind my mother's and a last made to feel like a burden and annoyance to her. I woul end up hurting myself -- literally -- whenever I was trying to appease her. I have literal scars to prove it because I would find myself doing self harm and not understand why I was doing it to myself. It was an awful way of coping with the internal pain. I went NC, and the urges to hurt myself faded away. Not a coincidence.

I visited that website a few times, but all the crazy on there dent make me feel better. I half expected to fund my mother spewing about me on there, but finally decided that what she thinks about me and the estrangement isn't my problem.

Tundra Woman said...

I was so disturbed and horrified by that thread, I'd be remiss not to mention the comment made by another poster: She indicated she and her ex-DH adopted an infant. They had two weeks to prepare before the infant arrived at their home-and BTW? Adopting from any part of this planet is a fairly lengthy and expensive prospect and is clearly not unplanned, unintentional nor coerced in ANY way. The two weeks therefore indicates the length of time between the notification and the arrival of the infant. Is there any parent-to-be that does not prepare for a baby typically months in advance of it's arrival? The infant arrives and is "colicky" which translates into crying. Colic is not a rare infant malady. Many, many millions of parents have dealt with relentlessly crying infants. The poster stated she became so frustrated with the infant she "SCREAMED (at the infant) UNTIL IT WAS SILENT." (Caps are poster's)

Throughout that thread not a single poster called slapping a kid across the face, yelling, screaming at an infant etc. what it is: ABUSE. There was a great deal of minimizing, rationalizing, denial etc. amid a chorus of "woe is MEEEE!" Not a single poster expressed regret that translated into anything more than words on a screen. Not a single poster stated THEY were so horrified by THEIR OWN BEHAVIOR they made any efforts to seek assistance to remediate what is clearly abusive behavior. Regret without any attempt at remediation is not regret: It is simply a word. Consequently I do not believe these types of behavior are glaring exceptions to their typical parenting "style." I do not believe the assertions of "it only happened once or twice." By refusing to call behavior WHAT IT IS, by it's correct name-abuse-inherently denies the severity and culpability of the perpetrator. It is entirely self-serving. It reverses victim and perpetrator and in doing so the child is blamed for the parent's clearly abusive behavior.
The slapping/screaming poster stated she was BPD (big surprise that) and stated it was her mother's "fault" she was abused. There was a conspiracy of perps consisting of her ex, her mother and the courts to remove the children from her care and place them with the ex. Apparently it is acceptable to hold one's parents accountable for THEIR abuse, but not if you're an Estranged Adult Child of a Cluster B Cluster Fuck or any other "malady" including having "parents" that are just plain abusive. In the world of EPs abuse is only abuse if the child becomes an installment of "Special Victims Unit." Oh yes, there are abusive parents out there, but not them. Not ever.
The "Normal Meter" exhibited here is so completely broken-if indeed it ever existed-it is just as breath taking as it is heart breaking. Indeed Estrangement does appear to be intra-generational-as is abuse. Breaking the "Family Tradition" through Estrangement is a healthy response to Breaking the Chain of Pain that permeates one's own history. It does not mitigate our own experiences but exposes the ugly truth of Child Abuse/Neglect through our unrepentant, determined concrete efforts to ensure our own children will NOT be victimized through abuse/neglect by us OR by our FOOs or any other Perpetrator.

Joan S said...

If I had a loving parent, I would not be doing this. I would be at her side. And I do wish that to be the case. I don't wish for things to be this way. Mother is toxic, deadly, I am better to expose myself to carbon monoxide, for I would have a far better chance of survival. She does not wish me well, and chooses what she does. This is no illness. This is what she is.

I have to come to terms that I never had a parent. And just accept it. I won't let anyone blame ME for that. It was not my fault.

Joan S said...

Gee Q, that must have been horrible for your current wife to be exposed to that. My hubby too, and he only met them twice. All they can do is shake their heads, if they never been exposed to a sociopath roadshow. And played the vaudevillian, "NOW TAKE YOUR PLACE."

q1605 said...

I'm no expert in child rearing but I am pretty sure beating your kid is not recommended. My parents didn't beat me. My father gave me a spanking for tossing a friend out of my back yard for popping the bubbles I blew. It was proportional to the infraction. And my mother slapped me for flipping her off when I thought she wasn't looking. It was the horror of the war my parents had declared on each other that I would like to have changed. Actually it was more like the war my mother waged on all of us. She was like a terrorist that saw the logic involved in a suicide bombing. She didn't mind blowing her self up metaphorically if she could frag every one around her. It's the only thing that makes sense. She'll wage war on us down to the last drop of our blood.

q1605 said...

Here a couple of posts from the annals good health.

q1605 said...

TW what do you think their spin would be if the kid slapped them back?

q1605 said...

She screamed at the a newborn child until it was quiet? Ya that oughta work. From what I can tell the reason they want a child in the first place is the reason that will never work. And that is because babies tend to mirror the emotional state of the parent.

q1605 said...

I went over there and here is an example of a thread title
"are they immature or do they like integrity"
Like that's not a leading question.
Are they blind or can they just not see.

q1605 said...

make that "lack" I never professed to be a typist

q1605 said...

I have an active account there and for reasons known only to the devil inside me I want to keep it.......So I will not post. I will not post. I will not post. I will not post.

q1605 said...

But you can click anywhere you want and find something irrational to mock. It's like being a comedian and having Gerald Ford back in office.

q1605 said...

I remember last time I was over there at any length of time they went behind and deleted every word I wrote. I wasn't ranting as much as trying to apply logic ala TW. Even so it didn't fit their agenda so it was erased.
So I will now quote the poignant words of the man who lost his wife in the Isis attack in Paris.
"I will not give you the gift of hating you. You have obviously sought it, but responding to it with anger would be to give in to the same ignorance that has made you what you are. You want me to be afraid? To cast a mistrustful eye on my fellow citizens? To sacrifice my liberty for security? You lost."

q1605 said...

Yes Pandora. I don't know if you remember when I posted about us all driving to Lafayette and I started choking on a life saver candy and I sat there unable to breath and let it dissolve rather than raise my voice and subject my self to my mothers apathy?

Bess said...

That is some crazy bullshit. So obvious why we go no contact!

Bess said...

Just what the fuck is wrong with these people? Some of the most mean-spirited, manipulative shit I've ever read is on that website.

q1605 said...

Bess but it's our fault because we are assholes. I've co-opted some writing that really nails the reality down. I want to do more than mock them, that's fish in a barrel. I want to have an outsider explain it to provide a fresh perspective. Stay Tuned.

Pandora Viltis said...

Dear god, TW, that is just awful. Those people found their own little enabling world there on that website. Ugly.

Pandora Viltis said...

Q, I don't remember the lifesaver story. How frightened little Q must've been. This makes me really sad for you and furious at your "mother".

q1605 said...

Yeah Pandora I got just enough air to survive and I laid on the back seat and the more I waited the more breath I could draw until I could cough it up and breath normally. I had pretty well figured out my mom didn't give a shit and was learning my father didn't want to rock his nooky boat.