Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Embracing Rage, Anger, and Self Destructive Behavior.

Shrinking Violet


Joan S said...

She is excellent, but is missing one tiny bit of presence here for me. If I would have heard this years ago, my focus would have been on the part where she said it is wrong to act out in anger. I don't think I would have heard where she said it was ok to feel angry.

If the focus is to be present with anger and just feel, it is important to not feel like I'm not doing anything wrong. If someone is hurting me, in order for me to get them to stop, I am to express that hurt and anger, and I didn't know that was not a bad thing to do. I would have thought that was acting out in anger on my part.

In order to separate out the narcissist teaching, well I was taught "talking back" was wrong. So in order to escape abusive relationships we have to understand and feel the abuse is wrong. To go along with that feeling in my body, to express that anger and that hurt, rage whatever. Even if I am having to scream it into his face. At one time I thought that was "talking back", whatever.

Oh boy. I think what I am trying to say here that to connect to pain, we must feel it and remove any issues that I might have with it. Someone telling me that something is wrong, then I start to focus on that instead. So, take the focus off that, let me express. If I think something about me is wrong, then I might not do it. I would be more worried about hurting someone instead.

Like if, I thought getting into a car will kill me, crossing the street is deadly, I might not ever leave the house. If I have the internal resources to know how to handle driving safely it is ok. But I might be scared of doing the wrong thing all the time.

And this is a good topic of conversation. Narcs lock us into fear, fear of doing something wrong, and that used to tangle me up.

q1605 said...

Yeah when I was growing up I liked to scuba dive and ski and go boating and camping. After my fathers death every time I planned to do something she would put this incredulous act up saying OH YOU DON"T WANT TO DO THAT! I always thought she thought it was dangerous. What she really meant that the bony ass lazy slut that is her would miss her soaps if she did anything risky. She couldn't understand that some people want to get out and have a life of their own and if this didn't include laying on the couch all day shitting on peoples marriages by screwing their husbands and gas lighting every one around she wasn't interested.

Joan S said...

Yes, my mother was always about staying at home, to be locked in it like it was a prison. I thought it was about keeping me safe, but then I realized that she had me go through some very tough stuff. The mental humiliation I had to go through as a lap dog was more than I could bear, I ended up locking my brain up to any foreseeable abuse, which was deadly. Perfect strangers could boss me around, I was that locked in.

Even my ex, when I was confronted by a neighbour over some stupid thing, my ex told me that I should be looking to ways that I could improve the situation, how I am to take the high road, always. Doesn't that sound good? Doesn't that sound like Jesus? NO. That's why I'm careful about church teachings, and its hard for me to root out the crap.

So, when this woman talks in her video mentioning how we might be wrong, it triggers an alarm to me. Calling self destructive behaviour wrong is one thing, but it needs to be addressed how we got there to begin with. To connect those dots. For some of us, we need that, because of the abuse, we are too trained to see ourselves as being bad.

q1605 said...

I hated it when I started realizing as an older kid just how crazy my mother was. It was like being stuck in a bad movie. My point is it's worse to realize you are the only one that isn't crazy than it is to just go along to get along. I think that's why me and my sister stayed close. It was us against the world and we were always on the losing end.

q1605 said...

Narc parents definitely rig the game in their favor. It reminds of this fist fight after school. One of the guys immediately dominated the other. It was in a vacant lot on the way home and the losing guy was trying to get away from the other who was beating him mercilessly. Their was a fence around the perimeter and you could only leave at the corners, so the guy that was losing ran his ass off to get away and the guy who was winning kept heading him off before he could get away and this went on for about 5 minutes until the winner made the loser apologize for what ever he did to piss the big guy off. The loser was totally demoralized by the time it was over.