Monday, February 8, 2016

Negligent Mother Magazine

My mother may have rarely fed us, but she always bought the latest issue of "Negligent Mother" whilst we baked in a hot car in the parking lot.

Letters to the editor

My church confessional has an express lane for three sins or less. I have five sins. Do you think it would be better if I went to the express lane anyway and pretend I have only three sins?

Last time I went my baby suffocated in the trunk because I had to wait four hours behind a Nazi.

P.S. The odor won’t go away, either

Prank Pack Crib Dribbler Toddler Kids Play new New Gift
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Elli G said...

Hahahah, luv it. My NM must have used the crib dribbler and filled it up with tequila. Her major complain from my infancy is that I slept way too long and she had to wake me up to feed me. The trouble she's been through because of me....-head shake-

q1605 said...

I always expected my mother to break into a rendition of "Old Man River"

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

That Negligent mother magazine is more for the partying Moms, they need one for the church going, proper types, where it would have titles like "Buying the best Lock for Your Child's Bedroom" and "Keeping the SG Brat Hidden During Office Parties".

Mine bragged to all her government worker friends and neighbors how she could leave me in the crib for hours and I would not cry. Hey I was smart, I am sure I wanted to be left in peace. They all nodded and smiled over their coffee and glasses of Sangria.

Judith said...

Omg, this is fucking funny.

Joan S said...

My mother was able to obtain martyrdom for changing a diaper.

q1605 said...

Without changing the topic I know what you mean Joan. Years later my sister was telling/asking me about when my mother was paying my rent so I had a place to stay in the city and not have to drive home after one of my 36 hour work/school marathons. Only thing is she never game me one cent during that time. I had to forensically connect the dots and figure out that she was paying for this apartment she took her affair partner to and my step father must have found a canceled check for it. She couldn't just tell the family she was paying for my apartment and leave it at that, my sister said she was draping herself across the furniture like some modern day Blanch Dubois and milking her kind gesture for all it was worth. She would have pissed on me if I was on fire but she had to milk this lie for all it was worth.

q1605 said...

Yeah peep you cried she just couldn't hear you with all the blankets stuffed in the cracks of the door.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

LOL Q...I agree

q1605 said...

She had the cracks stuffed and probably in the summer..... which in Texas takes on a whole new meaning. Down here no one had AC until the 60's or 70's. Bars and theaters would put signs up to attract customers with their cold AC. At night we would lay around like dogs with opposable thumbs panting and waving fans on our selves.