Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Catching My Wife With Her Pants Down




It was on our 12th anniversary and I couldn't get my wife on the phone to see if she wanted to say hello even though we were divorcing. So when I couldn't get her, I decided to go to where our old neighbor had moved. It was Sunday and I wanted to watch the Cowboys  game. So the way his house is relative to the side street is you make this corner and BAM! it's right there. I was driving a little erratic anyway and made the corner and almost ran into the back of my wife's jeep. Ah Ha! #1. I knew she was fucking some one, I just didn't know who. So I walked by her jeep and felt the hood and it was cold so that was Ah Ha! #2.  I went to the door and knocked and no one answered, so I knocked harder. They hadn't closed the door to, and the bolt hadn't caught in the keeper and my knocking pushed the door open. So I walked in and there the old neighbor was, standing in a room with no furniture in it, leaning on the wall. Just like what you see in the movies where they sort of look around hoping you won't notice them standing there leaning on the wall in an empty room. I walked on in and to where the bedroom was and my ex was in the bathroom and came out about the same time I noticed her over night bag next to the bed.  I just walked up from the back and sort of wagged my finger to and fro and asked slowly"are you fucking my wife"? 

About this time Lisa comes out and steps up and puts her face right next to mine leering at me and asking me "what the fuck are you looking at" and I started laughing and walked out.
Of all people..... I called my mother and said "I know who Lisa is fucking and it's Eddie our old neighbor". I am sure that right then and there, my mom was sold on Lisa because they are both monsters.  I am pretty sure all of them are bound for hell. (this is the guy that let her park her boat in his driveway. The one she bought with  assets she hid from the me and the court and he told me it was his boat when I drove up one day as he was washing it) 
He even gloated to me about what a cool boat he owned. 
I wonder if they have boat ramps in hell?


 

What have we learned from this post? First don't marry a woman with a penis or a man with a vagina. I don't know if my father had a vagina or just acted like he had one. But I am pretty sure my ex-wife had a dick. 

22 comments:

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

I guess even narcs like their affairs convienient since she picked a next door neighbor, she didn't have to go too far out of her way to find a new lover. Didn't she end up ruining his life too?

q1605 said...

He wasn't our neighbor then. He had moved a couple of miles away. I hope that graphic isn't to offensive. I just thought it was too funny to not post. Something I noticed about my mother AND my ex was that they didn't like to talk and joke about stuff like that. It was OK to go out and betray everyone in the worst way possible just don't talk about it. I heard from some neighbors that the boat would break down she wanted it fixed in second flat or she would drive him crazy. The neighbor said they would stand out in the yard yelling at the top of their lungs. She did the same thing to me when I fixed her car so it was probably true.

Judith said...

The lyrics of that song are pretty awesome. Should be my new anthem. It demonstrates a lot of agency in the face of the narcissist trying to hold you down.

..,,aaaaaaand, in other news, I wish I could un-see that ogre and his glory hole.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

Those who do don't talk about it? LOL Yeah that is interesting psychological phenomenon, guess jokes about it would have hit too close to home. That's sad she ranted and raved about the boat.

Elli G said...

Over here we do say that a hoohah can drag a boat, but I didn't know I could take that literally.

q1605 said...

Judith. This is the song Helen is rocking out to on "The Affair" as she is drinking wine and just before she gets arrested.

q1605 said...

Judy sorry about that. I am on a National Lampoon tear and S. Gross was a contributor. I don't know how to pretty up adultery. I wonder if my ex thought I would indulge her like my father indulged my mother. Annngh! Next contestant.

q1605 said...

Elli all I think of to say is to repeat that REO Speed wagon song title You can Tuna Piano but you can't tune a fish. And in the states the correct terminology is "pooh nanny".

q1605 said...

Elli your comment makes me think of this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HRvrVhXY3ug

Elli G said...

Hahahahah! I thought y'all called them tacos down south.

q1605 said...

If we can close enough we call them we call them ...copher, cunt, pussy, twat, cooter, beaver, fish lips, taco, camel toe, muff, snatch, fuck hole, garage, oven, love button, penis glove, cock sock, cock pocket, JJ, hoohah, bajingo, cum dumpster, sperm bottle, goop chute, slit, trim, quim, pooter, love rug, poontang, poonanie, cooch, tunnel of love, vertical bacon sandwich, bearded clam, cookie, cooleyhopper, nookie, the pink, honey pot, cunny, vag, meat curtains, hatchet wound, putz, fur burger, box, front bottom, gash, kebab, kitty, minge, snapper, catfish, vertical smile, lovebox, love canal, nana, flower, the cum dump, chocha, black hole, sperm sucker, fish sandwich, cock warmer, whisker biscuit, carpet, deep socket, cum craver, cock squeezer, slice of heaven, flesh cavern, the great divide, cherry, tongue depressor, clit slit,laps, fuzz box, fuzzy wuzzy,

q1605 said...

glory hole, grumble, man in the boat, mud flaps, mound, peach, piss flaps, the fish flap, he furry cup, stench-trench, wizard's sleeve, DNA dumpster, tuna town, split dick, bikini bizkit, cock holster, cockpit, snooch, kitty kat, poody tat, grassy knoll, cold cut combo, Jewel box, rosebud, curly curtains, furry furnace, slop hole, velcro love triangle, nether lips, where Uncle's doodle goes, altar of love, cupid's cupboard, bird's nest, bucket, cock-chafer, love glove, serpent socket, spunk-pot, hairy doughnut, fun hatch, spasm chasm, red lane, stinky speedway, bacon hole, belly entrance, sugar basin, sweet briar, breakfast of champions, wookie, fish mitten, fuck pocket, hump hole, pink circle, silk igloo, scrambled eggs between the legs, black oak, Republic of Labia, juice box, Golden Palace, fetus flaps, skins, sausage wallet, Holiest of Holies, sugar hole, The Death of Adam, home plate, Deer Hoof, Golden Arches, Cats Paw, Mule Nose, Yo Yo Smuggler, Mumbler, Dinner Roll, Crotch Waffle, Piss Fenders, crack, Melvin, Dove Breast, Brakepads, Vedgie, Slurpy, Vacuum Vulva, Pastrami Flaps, Hot Tamaki Walk, Buffalo Gums,Rooster Jaws, Wagon Ruts, Beaver Teeth, Mumble Pants, Ninja Boot, Marcia, Skin Canoe, Fatty, Mossy Jaw, The Big W, Chia Hole, Lip Jeans, Beetle Hood, Hungry Minge, Welly Top, Frum, Pancake Fold, Tongue Roll, Bologna Flap-Over, Furrogi (Poland), Fortune Nookie, Bearded Taco, Calamari Cockring, Displabia, Slot Pocket, Bluntfrunt, Fishamjig, Pole Magnet, Pocket Pie, Clamarama, kitty cage, Chicken's tongue, Conch shell, Crack of heaven, Dog's mouth, Door of life, Fly catcher, Fruit cup, Jelly roll, Lobster pot, bunny tuft, knish, her asshole neighbor, lotus, nappy dugout, moneymaker, womens weapon, tackle box, bone hider, red sea, pizzo, jizz recepticle, The Helmut Hide-A-Way, hairy heaven, furry 8 ball rack, crave cave, arbys with fur, fish canyon, toolshed, snake charmer, Furby, Enchilada of love, Ham sandwich, Camarillo brillo, Brazilian caterpillar, dick rack, boy in the canoe, flesh tuxedo, Mound of Venus, queef quarters, Venus butterfly, cream canal, apple pie, pie, wet mark, private area, thresher, punash, salami garage, slurpee machine, pink cookie, penalty box, ground zero, meat crease, bait, birth canal, holy grail, pole hole, pork pie, fuzz bucket, one-eyed python trail, bubble gum by the bum, stink rink, theme park, saloon doors, pink truffle, bitter & twisted, burger bar, meat counter, temperamental ringpiece, python syphon, big bud, the Wombsday Book, the condo downstate, snake lake, the indoor barbecue, pound cake, beef tomato, tickled pink, launch pad, horn of plenty, the indoor picnic, hamper of goodies, flapped bap, bonefish, close encounter with the turd kind, sperm bank, man's charity bash, bush tucker, midnight dip, the one-door vulva, the welcome opponent, the Twatlantic Ocean, temporary lodgings, field of dreams, bean, cooze, old catchers mitt, devil's hole, lucy, pish buffet, pooswaa, poonaner, davey jones locker, pink panther, tinker bell, south mouth, dick eater, wonder bread, wolly bolly, foxhole, hot pocket, head catcher, Lawrence of A Labia, silk funnel, dick driver, purple people penis eater, ponchita, cherry pop tart, fat rabbit, scunt, pee jaws, mingus, The Notorious V.A.G., dugout, babyoven, penis parking, cooter muffin, the promised land, cha cha,ey cocksleve, panty hamster

Elli G said...

So I guess vagina or female genitalia are just used for douchebag label stickers...

Judith said...

Oh man, that's awesome. I love that scene in The Affair. I have a girl crush on Maura.

Judith said...

It was funny. But gross. Lol.

q1605 said...

Judith I was at a loss for a description until you called it glory hole. That tag line lined it up with the universe

q1605 said...

Oops I used line and lined consecutively I hope we have no grammar Nazis on board.

q1605 said...

Elli you can call me anything, but late for the vagina.

q1605 said...

If anybody wants to see/know what me and Judith are talking about this is it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JzYwwfgBYoE

q1605 said...

While I don't recommend driving while intoxicated I also want to strongly discourage you from telling a cop "you fucking do it" If the police ask you to recite the A.B.C's backwards.

Nenad said...

"Don't marry a woman with a penis or a man with a vagina"... magnificent. Q, can I frame this quote and hang it on the wall in my home? (Credited, of course!) Might come in handy if I ever decide to start "looking".

I am reluctant to do the latter given that my parents fit the description exactly... on both counts. I think my balls going to waste is still better than handing them over to some psycho.

q1605 said...

Nenad. You got it. I just remembered a guy that danced with my mother that said it was like dancing with a man, and I thought my ex was going to beat me up for catching her in bed with our neighbor. Like I was some kind of mangina. One thought led to another and baboom I wrote it. It definitely sums up my father. Like he didn't want to put my mom out as she was busy putting out. What a friggan Pantie Waste