Friday, March 25, 2016

The Wounded Recognize the Wounded.

“A
Abused children cling to the hope that growing up will bring escape and freedom. 
But the personality formed in the environment of coercive control is not well adapted to adult life. The survivor is left with fundamental problems in basic trust, autonomy, and initiative. They approach the task of early adulthood――establishing independence and intimacy――burdened by impairments in self-care, in cognition and in memory, in identity, and in the capacity to form stable relationships. 

They are  still a prisoner of  childhood; attempting to create a new life, they reencounter the old trauma.” 
― Judith Lewis HermanTrauma and Recovery

16 comments:

q1605 said...

Hey all my posts can't be laugh riots

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

That is one of the worse things, you grow up and you think that "now I will be free" and you realize the world is just as hard, cold and mean as your parents. I thought when I got out of college, and could get a "decent job" and take care of myself then I would be alright. If you see one of my major struggles with the poverty that is where it was at. I was not at all equipped to deal with the world and adding disabilities to that made it that much worse.

Judith said...

I still feel like I escaped a prison. I may still be in a prison, but I graduated to minimal security. Although sometimes I think I'd like to be in solitary.

q1605 said...

I actually had some insight in younger days of how this might all pan out. I was about 18 and was driving to school one morning after pulling a graveyard and thought to myself that I am getting a handle on everything considering I was a couple of years past my fathers death. And I just had this flash of a thought of you're getting your ducks in a row now but what if you make it to your 50's and haven't made anything happen? And my first thought was if it gets that bad I can always snuff it. After all it's sort of the family tradition. Well I am 58 and it didn't happen and I take back what I thought about snuffing it. Coming out of being as sick as I was for a while I want to live now more than ever before.

q1605 said...

So if what my father did made me avoid taking the cowards way out it did serve a purpose that I could never have seen from back then.

q1605 said...

Judith for me it was making a break into East Germany instead of out into western Europe

Joan S said...

I wasn't prepared at all. I thought that when I grew up all my insecurities would disappear. yep

q1605 said...

I thought I was but a kid doesn't know what's in store. I think my family should have gone all in or all out. Either put us on a slow boat with a fast leak and set us adrift or corralled her and made her do the right thing. She only screwed up the things they let her screw up. Then handed the whole convoluted mess to me and my sister to sort out later.

Anonymous said...

I remember my nightmarish days during my high school and early adulthood years. I waited for my freedom for years too and was disappointed when I found myself having to contact my adopted narc mother for money, "help," for an apartment, financial aid for college, and in order to start my adulthood. Luckily, my adopted grandparents got me out even though it took them two years to convince my adopted narc mother to let me go. I had low self-esteem, was very angry and yelling during my first years of adulthood, and was very naive.

I remember having suspicions that my adopted narc mother did not teach me right, so I consult with older adults like my high school teachers, coaches, pastors, my friends' parents, and my older friends for facts of life advice. When I reunited with my foster parents at the age of 27, I started asking them questions about life. They gave me excellent facts-of-life advice, and told me something about adults like my adopted narc mother. We did not put it in our fingers that my adopted narc mother was a malignant narc.

However, my foster parent noticed some characters of adults that made them angry. Some adults wanted recognition and to give themselves credit for the work other people did. They also wanted money, fame, and power, and did hot care about children or people they were supposed to help. Some people just wanted to bide their time and get paid. They were colleagues of social workers who worked in adoption agencies, so they contacted social workers who told them that my adopted narc mother was mean to her coworkers and children she was supposed to place for adoption. She misplaced many children to narc parents or mismatched kids with emotionally incompatible adults. My adopted narc mother worked for adoption agencies but she was mean to children. Many children and coworkers did not like my adopted narc mother.

The fact that I was adopted helped, because I could complain to my adoption agency if I was unable to get my freedom as an adult. I remember some adults with disability or adult children of abusive parents had to take legal actions in order to get their important documents (birth certificate, social security cards, etc) and their stuffs out of their parent's house. I was able to get my documents and my stuff because my adopted grandparents kept on calling her to make sure she was letting me go.

I was able to stay away from home longer, because I was able to work at least 30 hours per week and put myself through college. It was not easy to keep a job because some people at work took advantage of me. However, economy was better then. Today, young adults are being forced to live with their parents or with multiple roommates in an apartment in order to survive. Those who are unemployed are worse off than those who were able to keep their jobs or who have normal parents.

Narc parents don't want us to leave them so they did not want to give us good facts-of-life advice or to let us go. They are evil parents. Sorry you had a hard time getting out. I had to yell for years in order get my ways out and it was not pretty.

q1605 said...

I think on some level I realized that if I was counting on my mother I would do without. My father died in September of 73 and she moved to Houston with the guy that would soon become my stepfather. Over spring break I sort of invited myself down for a visit and she protested so vehemently on the phone and treated me with such disregard once I got there even dumb me realized.....HEY I don't think she wants me down here. Coupled with her reluctance to take me to the airport if I wanted to leave town and that she did absolutely nothing for me. I just got out of the habit of depending on her for anything. Later on I found out she was telling everybody that she was paying for my apartment. And all sorts of things that she really wasn't doing. I didn't find some of this out until after her death decades later. When I called my sister after she died and we were talking about things in general she referenced something as during the time our mother was paying my rent. I just said what rent and when was she paying it. My sister said you know back when you first moved to Walnut. And I said she never gave me a dime. I forensically connected the dots and realized this was about the time my step father got a call at work telling him to come home because she had a man over. He went and saw it was his best friend and didn't get that she has no compunction about sleeping with her friends husbands and the friends of her own husband. The year I lived with her she told me about renting an apartment for her and the guy to go have sex in and not worry about getting caught and it all fell in place. The best I can figure is she rented a place and her husband wondered where that money was going and she killed two birds with one stone. She had a place to go to and she could drape herself on my grandmothers furniture and act like the mother of the year. She couldn't just mention it and let it go. My sister said she was flouncing around about what a good mother she is for helping me out. The thought of it still makes me gag!

q1605 said...

And is meaningless when you contrast it with her will and how she did her kids like she did everyone else. That is get something from them and pick a fight and use that as an excuse to not give them their stuff.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

That reminds me of my life Q, I remember being 21, and knowing something was wrong with me and kept having the thought it wouldn't get any better. I think I knew what was coming if that made sense and knew my body wasn't right. Of course now getting near 50 and not getting life in order whatsoever is scaring me. I remember thinking when I was 21, "Don't snuff it, that means they will win." My aunt most likely committed suicide remember when I was 19, so I thought "Well I don't want to disappear like her". I have the Christian beliefs against it now but back then wasn't a Christian.

I thought things would get better when I got older. I didn't get away soon enough. I have to admit I thought life would change for the better as I got older, I would find solutions or cures for my severe medical problems, I would be more secure and things would come together, husband would get promotions, etc etc. Not sure what to do with the feeling of sheer disappointment.

I still think its sick Q you were left with a murderer, just because she got a paper acquitall. Even the aunt that died admitted to a cousin I was abused, she didn't bother calling me. No one stood up for me ever. Not as a child nor as an adult. Their secret blatherings meant nothing as far as my life was concerned. She still shut the door in my face at the behest of my mother until the day she died.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

wanted freedom so bad anon.

I wish I could get "real" money that would make me free instead of having to worry about being homeless and not having transportation and being able to live life. Ever since he had his job lay-offs I haven't felt right like its Ground Hog Day to hell being revisited. Maybe it's me there surely are disabled people who are even more poor. Early adulthood can be a nightmare for ACONS because the narcs expect us to make 6 figures running out of high school or college. I was taught nothing on how to survive or practical basics and openly and actively sabotaged. I remember being overwhelmed completely and having to do things like work 4 part time jobs did not make my early years go very well, especially as I was going into the hospital for breathing problems by age 19.

I really did not get much good training or good role models until I became a Christian but even then these were nice working class or lower middle families I met at church where they had family connections, stable jobs and small town life. In my 30s, I was trying to emulate these folks and still remember them fondly as they were caring and did help me, but always felt like an "outsider" looking in. I am glad you had good role models earlier.

Some therapists gave me advice by age 18 but not all of it was good.

I am glad your foster parents were there to help you and warn you about poisonous people and narcs. Yes a bad adoption helped you get more free sooner. I am sure you were less guilted being told, "That is your mother, she loves you and other such nonsense.

I was taken advantage at work, and got paid little having to combine countless part time jobs. College was a haven for too short period of time for me. I worked 80 hours a week for a lot of years, and barely kept a roof over my head. Yes while it was hard for Generation X to get a start, they have made things more tough. I was very ill, very young and know that took tolls on me, it scares me thinking of the days, I had to hide my lung nebulizer to make it through work shifts. Someone like me should have been getting more care, not thrown to the wolves to sink or swim. My mind was blown seeing people with far more mild conditions being cared for by their families where resources and help were sought for them.

I worked like crazy to escape, even the year I had to live with the narcs, I hoarded money like gangbusters to get out and escape on my first NC. Health and job problems seemed to conspire to push me into poverty. I never could escape. I don't understand why my life has been nothing but difficulties and have examined myself. I know I have paid a big price for even the Aspergers.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

One thing about taking ANY help from narc parents past age 18 and even before then is they want a pound of flesh for it. I can see your mother Q claiming to pay your rent and playing martyr of the year. This world is going to make it harder with it's crap economy and abuse tactics on workers and student loan slaveries, for young ACON people to escape narc parents who are usually rich from lying and cheating and scamming the system. I wish this damn world wasn't so intent on helping the narcs out in their abuse and piling it on all at the same time.

q1605 said...

Yeah Peep my mother could tell you how much to the penny she spent on flowers for a funeral years after the fact but she conveniently forgot about all the money it cost to defend her in her trial and how she coat us everything we had and did it on a whim and every couple of years. That didn't count.

q1605 said...

Peep I get you about the ground hog thing. I wake up and my health is still bad my ex still has our money the only thing I can rejoice about is that the hag is still dead. And so is all the so-called adults that selfishly left us in Dire Straits