Sunday, April 3, 2016

An empath is a narcissist’s favorite scapegoat Guest post from Elli G


Narcissists love to mess with their children, and these children represent the full spectrum of personality types. An acon is not necessarily someone who was scapegoated though. An acon can be a full blown psychopath, much like my brother who loved to set things on fire and sprinkled our flower pots with pins for the cats to step on so he could laugh at their agonizing pain. An acon can be a narcissist, like my mother who saw her mother being beaten black and blue by her father leading her to multiple miscarriages. An acon can be a highly empathic person, like me who picks up on others’ feelings and experiences them as her own.

The usual dynamic of a narcissistic family involves several enablers who allow abuse to be perpetrated, one or more golden children (or other relatives) that are used as means of aggrandizement by association for the narcs, and at least one scapegoat who serves the purpose of a Kleenex for everyone’s shortcomings. 

Since narcs live in a parallel universe where they love to weave the scenario in which they are protagonists, they get to assign the aforementioned roles to the family members. Now for a scapegoat to be successful in gulping all the criticism, the accusations and the emotional lashings there’s a fundamental quality required. Empathy. The more the empathy the better the scapegoat. The higher the level of kindness the lower one drops in the family’s pecking order. 

This is what gets nice people into trouble in the first place. When you are an empath you pick up on other people’s feelings. You want to make them happy, proud and you literally experience their anger and their disappointment when you allegedly fail to pamper their fragile egos. You put your emotions aside, because you carry that freaking curse of stepping so much into other people’s shoes that you forget to live your own life. 

Narcissists take advantage of that quality and they drain you to such a degree that suicide doesn’t seem like a half bad option. My NM told me that she picked me as her favorite between me and my brother [sic] because I was such a sensitive little girl. True, I bought into every stunt she pulled, all her fake guilt trips, threats, put-downs, rages and belittling by comparison. She used my ability to pick up on every goddamn single feeling and own it so that she could soothe herself by looking at my depressed face. What a juicy, little victim I was…

I guess for many of us who are so badly hurt that was our misdeed. We have the ability to care more than your average person, and to them that’s like the smell of blood to a shark. If we leave, they soon train someone else to fill the humongous shoes we leave behind.

Still, the same quality that bites us in the ass is the key to our healing. Even though we come out beaten-up, depressed, with a touch of cPTSD we can still empathize with the world. We can still love, smile at a kind stranger, laugh with a baby’s grimace, share our stories and help fellow victims of abuse, and eventually feel really good about ourselves. The miserable losers that tortured us never get a taste of that fulfilling sensation; they are doomed to remain empty vessels just making too much ugly noise till the day they die. And I say that serves them right!

42 comments:

q1605 said...

I've always had that sense of damned if I do damned if I don't. Being emphatic is really the worst of both worlds. You feel the weight of the world and the world is more than ready to saddle you with it.

q1605 said...

This post is making me think. I was thinking that at the time the wheels came off of my marriage to #1 I would have told you she knew me better than any other person on Earth. She knew I wasn't the monster she made me out to be. My mother would have to know that too. So to accept my 50 percent of the relationship with them collectively or by themselves it makes me wonder why they felt like they both had to team up and make me out to be a bastard. In my books that makes it doubly as screwed up. If you have to torture somebody to make you feel good about torturing them than I don't know what. I wonder how much my mother brought to this dynamic. Because over the years my mother shows up and my relationships with others falls apart. Be it with women or friends or employers. If my mother got their attention the people would inevitably start not trusting me. It boggles the mind of what all she was probably telling them. I am confidant that since my mother died my ex hasn't spent two seconds worrying about what I did, do, or how she treated me. So fuck them both.

Elli G said...

A huge thank you for the space you've given me on your blog.

I was thinking about your mother as well comparing her to mine. What horrifies me is that I can see that my own has exhibited a couple times some light signs of embarassment, which suggests that she was able to feel the pain she was inflicting and even for a split second be startled by her own self.

On the other hand Barbs had no sign of humanity whatsoever since day one. Just by looking at her childhood you could see that her wiring was different, featuring complete lack of ability to feel remorse or love for anyone. A robot in a human's body so to speak.

And yet, with or without the ability to grasp the sense remorse it seems that people in general are capable of nauseating atrocities.

q1605 said...

Its a dirty job but if we don't hold these fuck wads accountable we'll be over run with the sympathizers and enablers. My mother felt embarrassment, but it was mostly her embarrassment from the rest of us. Her actions were always OK. It was these grubby face urchins that follow her around that was an embarrassment to her. Usually what she was doing at any given time was making us want to crawl in a hole and die. I was SO! hoping that someone would call my ex on her barging into a restaurant and Bogarting someone else's table. I can hear myself now asking god please if you are out there show me a sign and let the rightful people that have waited their due, call her on her grabbing their spot and let her make a scene and let some one who can keep their wits under pressure put her in her place. I imagine there were bigger atrocities to be sorted out instead of my wife's breach of formal restaurant etiquette .

mulderfan said...

Great post, Elli! The thing about empathy is that it requires maturity. Just as a pre-school toddler lacks empathy. so do narcs because they're stuck at the me, me, me temper tantrum stage. One difference between toddlers and narcs is narcs view empathy as a sign of weakness or something they can use to hurt you which is why I say "fuck 'em" so often.

q1605 said...

M-fan I wish I could say it was enjoying to watch a person who walked around like royalty having a tantrum in public but really there was nothing funny about it. Not after I got to be more emotionally mature than her. Like when I started first grade.

Elli G said...

Thanks Mulderfan. Exactly, whenever they perceive an aspect of your character as a weakness they immediately turn it into a tool which they use to loosen your screws with the ultimate goal of your complete undoing.

Fuck 'em indeed!

q1605 said...

Unfortunately exposing the narcs is a two steps forward one step back proposition. As long as there are people that don't get it, we are fighting a war of attrition. If someone had not only recognized my mother for what she was and stopped her from what she was doing I could have lived life for me and not pandering to the whims of that crazy bitch. That's why I always bring up my mother's criminal past. I know she is way outside the norm of abnormal behavior, but that doesn't help me or any one else now. My life is slowly going the way of my fathers and her victims. It's just taking longer than a gunshot takes to nail me. Just think of what her victim and my father would say if they could speak now. Probably some version of who knew she didn't value human life any more than she did. I am a victims advocate and doing it in my fathers memory and the poor slob that lost his life for 10K. If this had not been the end result of what was deemed an attractive woman, people would have had fundraisers to stop people like her. Unfortunately the guys back then thought only with their dicks and gave her a pussy pass. I refuse to let the history of hate she sponsored be forgotten. Right before she died she called a friend of mine bemoaning the fact I hate her and I asked the friend what she answered back with, and the friend said she told her you don't hate, HATE! her. And I said, "oh but I do". She worked hard to be hated. It's what she wanted and how she wanted to be remembered, so I think I should bestow the hate on her that she so carefully cultivated in my mind.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

That is sick your brother tortured cats, yes some turn into mini-me narcs or sociopaths. I'm tired of evil enablers. I wrote an article about the poor and got some idiot, coming to tell me all I "do is complain and I'm supposed to go make happy art and only write about nice things". This person thinks they are "positive" and giving me tough love but their commands to smile hide a dark heart. I am not interested in becoming a pod person along with them.

http://fivehundredpoundpeeps.blogspot.com/2016/03/the-lonely-poverty.html

This is what we are dealing with the smiling idiots that tell us to love, defend and embrace narcissists and sociopaths. Defend the poor and stand up against injustice, be quiet smile and get back in line. I had two choices when it came to my family, embrace the narc and get back in line and keep my mouth shut, or write about it, out the evil and walk away for good. The enablers and rest protect the evil ones at all costs. The post is right about how the golden children are used to prop the whole system up and the scapegoats used to dump all the trash on.

The higher the level of kindness the lower one drops in the family’s pecking order. I realized my family literally trains for hardness and coldness and not caring.

I agree that more empathy makes you more prone to be the scapegoat. That part of the article is definitely right. Empathy motivates me to stand against injustice, and in this world that is something hated. Some narcs get pissed at me for even writing about "world or societal" injustice. They abuse scapegoats so effectively for so long because we were told we were defective and I have noticed the main tool for enablers and others is focusing on faults..

The narcs feed off those with feelings. In our narcissistic society feelings are disappearing or being subverted because the land of narcissists is a cold one. So wonder so many were trained in my sicko family to have no emotions and make light of everything. Keep that smile on your face never be vulnerable and empathetic, always be hard.

Inside they are a dead wasteland, no feelings there, in their deadened minds, there is no joy or realness. It is just empty. The one commanding me to be happy and never complain, is as wretched as they come.

q1605 said...

I went and read that comment what a joke. Please don't interrupt me while I complain about your complaining.
Zapata said I would rather die on my feet than live on my knees. The holes in the knees of his jeans are about worn through.

Elli G said...

Peep, I hate to say that my brother did torture cats but I was his go to option when it came to cruelty.

What kind of a weird idiot would anonymously complain about reading your blog? In case they haven't noticed it's an optional read. Freakin' idiot.

Judith said...

I agree that narcissists are essentially mentally toddlers. In fact, the only jokes my mother gets are knock-knock type jokes.

I'm not sure my mother would consider me an empath, although I feel I am. I think I shut down around her as a form of self-defense. I still used the skill to know when to walk eggshells (which was pretty much always), but I was too terrified of her to offer her much sympathy. I think my withdrawal incited a lot of anger in her because she's the kind of parent who thinks she's owed by pure fact her her being the mother.

Good post :)

q1605 said...

Judith I think my mothers first stroke was from watching Ron White on comedy Central. Elli if you get active writing you'll find that if you don't watch where you step you'll end up with shit on your shoe. They are every where.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...


LOL yes it is complaining about complaining....I think their knees are broken down from all the bootlicking too.

I've noticed the drama queens who wear their disorder get left alone, they got plenty of narcs to keep them company I guess and slap them on the back and compare screwing people over notes and tales of slut-dom. Only a Cluster B would come on a blog and spout off about how a disabled woman who had to go NC with her entire family was "not happy" enough. Hell narcs and cluster bs are "happy" screwing people over every minute, they don't have feelings, probably even some melancholy pisses them off and they are afraid of it because their dead soul can't even feel wistful about anything. "No TEARY KLEENXES for you it takes attention from MEEEE!" That's scary about that woman, man that guy dodged a bullet! Oh I am sure what's in their heads is even worse.

Elli, I agree.

Judith said...

Hmmm, maybe I should pay the cable company to play Comedy Central on all channels at my parents' house...

mulderfan said...

Elli, my NGC brother complained that MY blog was one sided and all about me. Apparently that made ME the narcissistic villain.

Funny that a self-styled writer didn't think to write his OWN bloig!

Joan S said...

Although I had to skip over the part of the cat, I love cats, just too hard. I don't think I'm an empath. I am more about being fear driven. I'd be afraid, that's why I behave, not out of feeling sad for someone. That's how my training went. But I know I'm sensitive, I'm not sure if a sensitive person is an empath. I've been called too sensitive, but cold? I've had narcs try to solicit sympathy from me, but it didn't work, so they would quickly switch tactics, with even a subtle threat, to cause me to fear.

What a thought provoking post Ellie. I've had narcs say I don't care about them, I don't give a shit, because I really don't feel sorry for these people. My volunteer activities are for the people who need it, those people I feel for. But I think I have to ponder this some more. Good job, Ellie.

Elli G said...

Thanks Judith.

The thing with narcs is that they don’t need to have much intelligence to apply their regime. Empathy doesn’t always mean you offer sympathy, it is the ability to see through others’ emotions and to be impacted by them. So even though your mother might not even be aware of what empathy is, she knew that you would have a specific response to her actions. And you reacted thusly because of your empathy, the ability to see her hostility for what it was. Imagine it like an orchestra conductor moving his stick in different directions. The conductor doesn’t know how to play every single instrument but he knows what every instrument’s response will be once he moves the stick.

It would be quite instinctive of her to first incite fear so that you could shut down, and then blame you for reacting like that and give you a grilling over it. Powerful me for making you afraid of me times powerful me for snapping at you for being afraid of me equals powerful me to the square.

They test people’s responses since they were toddlers, so it doesn’t necessarily mean that they are witty about the whole thing. I would describe them as creatures of habit.

q1605 said...

Narcs life time Slogan should be do as I say not as I do. You can get caught with your hand in the cookie jar while they knock it on the floor and smash it to pieces and they will point at you.
Chris Farley has it down Pat:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TYwNpdwAJwU

q1605 said...

I love it when he looks aat David Spade and asks WHADJEWDO?

q1605 said...

Its recorded off the TV but I love it.

q1605 said...

Yes M-fan how dare you make your blog about yourself. I am pretty sure blog-spot blog privileges are still free. Which makes the barriers to entry a thing that only exists in HIS head.

q1605 said...

Judith I could never tell if my mother hated the blueness of Ron Whites act or if it was his swagger. She hated one of the Dallas sports casters that has been a staple of the news here for 25 years because He thinks he is SO SPECIAL! So I told her back Dallas is a notoriously hard act especially for sports guys so if he can not just succeed but thrive he deserves all that he gets.
I told her if she could do better she should send them an air check and take his job so she dressed up like a man and recorded this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vg9ruee3Vos

q1605 said...

My mom had a groin injury but she got it pulling a train if you catch my drift.

mulderfan said...

Like most narcs, a lot of stuff only exists in the NGC's head, like the fact that he's a "writer".

q1605 said...

My mother always said me and my sister blamed her for everything. I wonder what part of our life was she talking about? We knew that blaming her for anything would not only provoke her rage but would get zero self refection from her so we quit bothering her with this accountability everyone talks so much about. I could hold her accountable or I could send smoke signals to the Ayatollah Khomeini asking for an oil well both would have the same effect.
Mulderfan you need to heal yourself! hahahaha Satan made me say that.

Elli G said...

Mulderfan,

Invite him to write guest post on your blog. No worries, we will be really objective in judging it ;)

Elli G said...

Joan S,

I am pretty positive you have a certain level of empathy because all normal people do. My theory is this: Some have a medium-low level and they are your average bystander- enabler. They get that things are wrong but don’t care enough to intervene. Then there’s a healthy level of empathy which drives people to volunteer, stand up for what’s fair but not let it consume them. Then there’s the highly empathic person that is deeply affected even by little signals of discontent from others, which makes social interactions a tricky business.

Unfortunately, the latter is what best describes me.

q1605 said...

t wouldn't matter how well he writes Elli. It'll still be the first thing written by a dick with ears.

q1605 said...

Elli I have even seen what passed for real emotion from my mother over her cats and assassinated politicians. I saw her cry when the astronauts burned up in Apollo 1 and when LBJ had his heart attack and died. My father? Nope! Her mother? tears, but they were fake. JFK yeah I cried more than anyone, but it was because there was a moratorium on the three stooges all week long. But I was only 5 then.

q1605 said...

They get that things are wrong but don’t care enough to intervene. Elli were you locked in our basement? They really don't have basements in Texas though. We have attics ........were you a flower in our attic?

mulderfan said...

Elli, the NGC has a man-crush on Q and hits this blog everyday.

q1605 said...

I'll hit him in the chin with a little man spooge. The thing I just commented about. The odd things that illicit-ed emotion from my mother is that I really wasn't exaggerating. All those situations were true stories. She would weep over Apollo 1 astronauts but throw her kids under a bus with out a moments thought. I wish I heard some of her final conversations. Oh my son hates me boo hoo what do you want to do about it? gouge him, stab him, and blind his sorry ass. Throw him under the jail. Well mam, I can see why you and he are estranged........wait I'm just getting started. Put hot pieces of metal underneath his finger nails put his head in a vice. Well mam for the right amount of money we can do this. Sorry I'm broke from writing him in and out of my will. But that will cut into the families assets I am giving to a person who hates me as much as I hate him.
Whats that you say mom?
I can't hear you with all that dirt over your mouth.

Elli G said...

Q,
I wish I were a flower on your window. I’d grow sideways till my pot lost its balance and landed on Barb’s head to crack it open.

Mulderfan,
That’s natural. It’s also known as Q’s personality disordered magnet effect.

q1605 said...

I've wondered what we would have been like without that mind fucking we know so well. I would really hate to be one of those garden variety assholes, but there is that possibility. I think I have told you guys about the girl down here whose mother found an armadillo and mailed it to her biology class under the guise of an altruistic gesture. One day I told her I would rather be like us than to be some pampered mama's boy and she shot right back "not me I need a break". I am tired of working dead end jobs and robbing Peter to pay Paul and that was one of the first times I really thought it through and I said you know what? Me too. I want some of what everyone else got. I was kind of sheltered before my father died and I wouldn't have minded a leg up.

q1605 said...

Elli that's kind of a poetry in motion type of statement.

Elli G said...

True story. When I was in my early teens I met with my father, and I was telling him how I felt sorry for my cousins because I could see that their father was a tool and they were bound to be idiots growing up with him. His response was that I shouldn’t feel sorry for any idiot and for any bad person because they have the best time of all in life. They get to be as annoying as they please and don’t even realize it, while everyone else around them has to suffer. He said I should feel sorry for the people that are stuck around idiots and understand much more.

If that would be the price to pay for having a more normal life then I guess I’d hit that deal. On the other hand, many times I realize it could have been much much much worse. So I guess I’ll settle with what I have and be happy with it.

PS. It made me select all the images with waffles. Seriously?

q1605 said...

I think there is one narcissist with a thousand of faces. That could have come from my mother. Same vacuous logic, same distorted wisdom.

Joan S said...

Thanks Ellie, its helpful to know this about the bystanders. I've always wondered about them. I just thought that they are people who have no standards, no integrity even. I've even seen people stand up to narcs for a nanosecond only to side with them. They see what's wrong but they still do the wrong thing. Left alone they would act normal, and its hard to tell who they are as a person. For they will wage a war with you over nothing, but still act normal.

q1605 said...

Desmond Tutu has a couple of quotes I like about the people who side with the crazy ones.
***If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality.
***I am not interested in picking up crumbs of compassion thrown from the table of someone who considers himself my master. I want the full menu of rights.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

I'm left standing alone, the bystanders all chose her, and it seems it always has been that way too. Some would tell me as a child, teen, 21 year old your mother is crazy, your mother did this to me, your mother is not like other people but who did they always throw me under the bus for? That goes for the one who just died too. Even with the ex-friend who was a narc, one day she told me she agreed about the narc that had entered our lives and the next told me I was "crazy" for questioning this person and a liar. Today if a narc comes in a room, I already think most will choose them, and their "side".

Good quotes from Tutu, most side with the oppressors, after all why do we get so many sociopathic leaders?

q1605 said...

I don't know how they do it. Anybody with eyes knows they knife anyone that turns their back on them but when push comes to shove they always saddled right back to the narc. I have always said if it takes that little to goad you into betraying me you were not a real friend in the first place but after a while you have to stop and say "maybe it's me" and when you do that you have lost the game. They won because they have even made you doubt yourself when deep inside you know better.