Saturday, April 9, 2016

Purging the Contents of A Boring Life.



Now I can see that to my ex I was never a husband, and to my mother I was never a son. I was just some dumb fucking rat caught between two psychotic cats and that made me furious. Until I had this epiphany. People pay thousands of dollars a year to unburden themselves of the trappings of success. People bankrupt themselves to climb mountains and pay Sherpa's to haul them and their shit to the four corners of the earth. My ex wife and mother relieved me of the burden of material possessions and did it for free. Up to now, I would have called my life a collection of collections. As a teenager I had an antique bottle collection that was the envy of any person that appreciated antiques. Bottles or other wise. I stumbled upon the long forgotten city dump of my hometown and mined it for all it was worth. 
They were thrown out as soon as we got my father in the ground.  
I had several hundred LP's that got thrown out when I was guest hosting fellow alcoholics in the slammer. 
I had boxes full of African hand carved animals from the 70's. Gone!
Baseball cards.  Gone!
Family pictures. Gone!
Tools that were left with my mother who gave them to my exes boyfriend, who hocked the ones he could hock or tossed them all. 
I am pretty well down to the clothes on my back and a pile of over due credit cards that my ex-wife maxed out and fobbed on me during our divorce. Last I heard the credit card companies were willing to settle for a nickle on the dollar 
My ex got my mothers car, our house, my mothers house and now is some slum lord high priestess.  If she wants to be saddled with plugged toilets and chasing renters down every month more power to her.  Good riddance is what I say.  I saw this and it sums up what it's like to stop living your life by the possessions you own. 
What looks like them screwing me over was really the biggest favor they could have done. My ex can keep ginning through income and paying taxes and snaking out toilets. I can live off the grid and have some freedom for the first time in my life. I think my ex and my mother found a hearse with a luggage rack and  that is a luxury I. Just. Don't. Need. 

.
So I win!

29 comments:

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

Things and money can enslave. I lived in boarding houses, rented rooms and crap studios until I was 32 years old. I don't own a lot now, have a lot of papers, and art projects and some stamps and furniture from thrift that is really old. I have always been a member of the involuntary simplicity movement. P

art of me knows, I took a look around the suburban house of my parents with all the lawn mowing, shopping, cleaning, bills and time and thought NOT FOR ME. I even have said to my husband I am relieved never to have owned a house in a way, home ownership always felt like a trap. I lost some collections and there's family photos of memories I wish I could have back, so understand those losses. Narcs get lost in the world of things. For my parents THINGS were everything, if that makes sense. I used to say even as a child their material possessions counted for everything.

Nenad said...

I was living with my parents when I went No Contact, so I went NC by literally running away from "home". I left behind most of my stuff: books, magazines, photos, various documents, etc. Things I was attached to, and that I felt defined me in a significant way (as in being a source of knowledge, something that shaped my worldview, a reminder of the past, etc.). Later I grieved the loss of it, and was trying to think of some way to get it back. But I figured that whatever I'd try to do about it, my mother would use it to abuse me more, in some way or another. And no way in hell was I going to expose myself to her rages or other, or give her any power over me.

I am now mostly at peace with it, but not before a grieving process that lasted several years.

Yet I understand what you are saying. Before I went NC I was trying to sort out all those things, keep "the essential" (or digitize what was "relevant") and throw the rest out, as I was aware that it was a burden taking up space in my home. But I had a hard time bringing myself to throw stuff away. In a twisted way, my crazy parents did help me with that, a fact I was aware of even while simultaneously grieving. Although at the same time they burdened me in other ways.

All in all, while it is good to free yourself of unnecessary burdens, I still wouldn't recommened narcissists as the preferred way to do it. (And I have the feeling that this post of yours was at least partly ironic... but that's up to you.)

Elli G said...

You’re completely in line with how I’ve been feeling the past few months. After a lifetime of listening to my mother complaining about us not having enough money and then watching her buy expensive outfits, I was just programmed to feel no matter how much I have it will never be enough.

Then when I told her I’m moving out (for the third time), she got all mad hissing at me that I would be nothing without her and I don’t have the means to support myself. The following years she never lost the chance to call me poor, broke, and shamed me for having a baby and just a 20euro bill in my wallet. Now she’s throwing digs about our low finances because we’re moving a globe away.

But like you said, I never felt freer. We’ll only take 3 suitcases with us and I’m so glad that I’m starting from scratch. Having a sense of relief that we will be taken care of by the system for some time is great. Finally, a break!

mulderfan said...

You always were a winner and anything but boring. Those two bitches were just too dumb to see it. Their loss not yours.

q1605 said...

Nenad...I think that's why reading on an estranged parents forum about us being ungrateful petulant children for going no contact is so insulting. They act like we were dining at a five star restaurant and walked out after we didn't like the consistency of the mashed potato's and threw them on the floor. When in reality it is decision prompted by years of treatment that would not be allowed in a prison. We never come out of it intact, spiritually or materially. We run from unspeakable abuse right into abject poverty because we lack the fundamental skills to survive out in the world. And we lack them not because we don't have ambition, we lack them because our family has set us up to be dependent on their sick dynamic so they can yank the rug from under us anytime they feel we are (the word my mother always used was "uppity.

q1605 said...

My suggestion for people is not to take it to heart if your folks act like they made you what you are. What we are is people on the fringe who are self destructive,because they made us feel unworthy of any kind of success we make for ourselves. Compared to the population at large we drink to drown out the sounds of their shrill voices and verbally cutting us off at the knees. Take all the generally accepted predictors for success and you just can't get there from here. They rob us of it all. People like us/me drink too much or use drugs and end up in jail etc etc Maybe some of us escape the statistical propensity to end up on the skids. But compared to the general population we just don't achieve our true potential. That what kills me, it gets into the chicken and the egg logic. Well we didn't want to waste resources on you because you are a loser. Well maybe I am a loser because you didn't waste your precious resources on me. I didn't get knocked up and give birth to you. You got knocked up and gave birth to me. I don't know who is sorrier. You for having me as a son or me for having the shit house luck to be born to you. Because you have treated me with disregard since I was born. I would love to hear my mother and ex justify robbing us because I am a loser. If I am such a loser you sure did gravitate to my family after I bailed out. I have yet to infiltrate my ex's family trying to suck up and get any of their money. Is that what you mean about me being a loser? I heard my mother talking about some money my fathers mother left me and my sister. How I didn't deserve it because at that time I didn't even have a job. That makes a lot of fucking sense. He is downtrodden so he doesn't deserve any money. When that was when I needed it the most. She sure didn't mind us passing the hat around when the State of Texas was trying to execute her. Oh that's different. I am a loser and she was just disenfranchised. A felonious displaced home maker Is that the difference Mommie Dearest? We try to be everything they are not. Trusting Loyal and Kind to a fault. So much so we over shoot success and end up being gullible and we become marks ( my mother loved to call me a mark) well if I am a mark I am what she made me. I have been babbling for about half this comment and it's really going out into left field please don't hold it against me. So I am going to stop the madness.

q1605 said...

Thanks mulderfan.

q1605 said...

Elli I knew this girl who used to tell people she would grow a penis so they could suck it. I have one and you can tell your mom to suck mine. Just don't lend her enough money to chase me down and actually do it.

q1605 said...

Also I was speaking to some one in e-mail about the shitty hand we get with the whole narc, acon thing. When someone has a measure of success the parent has no problem stepping up into the lime light with their aw shucks I gave him his start in life routine. But as soon as we fuck up they will start in on their don't blame me he/she/they were an oops baby.

q1605 said...

Peep this time of my life right now I have the least amount of personal possessions ever. I just look at it as less things Miss R has to sell after I croak.

q1605 said...

I need to lighten the mood here.
Kathy is the man.....er um woman.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fDsF7BLStvE&list=RDoP_H6h-pUrM&index=14

q1605 said...

Nenad it's surprising how attached you get to small personal things. I was going to say trinkets but that sounds trite and dismissive. You have to keep remembering. Like members of the opposite sex they only have the power you give them. I was hung up on stuff because I was hung up on stuff. Just remember the reference of hearses and luggage racks. You will leave this world with nothing more than you brought into it. The rest is just garage sale fodder.

q1605 said...

I want to thank all the people who comment on my blog. I didn't realize I was running an informal survey in my head about comments for dumb you tube clips as opposed to actually sitting down and banging out a post. I am like Sally Field. You read this! you guys actually read this!

Judith said...

My mom tossed my stuff whenever she thought she could get away with it too. My dad rescued my baby pictures and all the cards that I had made for them when I was a little girl and passed them on to me before my mother could put them curbside. What sort of ,other wants to throw out her child's baby pictures?

q1605 said...

I know what you mean. I used to have this baby book of hers that I threw out when I tossed my mothers pictures. It was supposedly for me and she had not written a word or put in a single picture. I half expected to see her writing scrawled over the print and see that she put something like babies first wound. And have a rusty nail there or babies first phlegm and have an old snot rag. Or an old condom and her writing under it about how she told me to grow up and make something of myself and this was as far as I got. She really was a nasty vile bitch.

mulderfan said...

My mum gave our family albums to the NGC, even the ones from before he was born. Any way they can show you how little you matter floats their boat.

q1605 said...

Yes Nenad. A post without sarcasm and irony just wouldn't be a post in my book.

q1605 said...


Carol Burnett said humor = tragedy+time.
Me and my sister joke often about my fathers death by saying he was on the right track he just shot the wrong person.

q1605 said...

M-Fan. I guess you could say my mother gave the family heirlooms to my Wife in Law

Judith said...

My mother wasn't even mad at me at the time she was trying to toss my childhood in the trash. MF, I think you're right about it being a statement to show how little we matter. I wonder if she hoped my response would be to try harder to be the daughter she wanted. Instead, it just underscored what a terrible person she is.

Joan S said...

We have a guy here who goes to Florida all winter, spends his summers golfing, and is now, (winter is lasting long here) trying to get his road plowed for free. Or should I say scamming to get it done. Long story short, hubby caught him in a lie during his scamming, the friendship is over. It was only over few hundred bucks. That's what matters to them.

And I really don't think its about money, its about control. Money gives them a sense of control.

Tundra Woman said...

Naw, she was a wifestitute. Just like The B.
TW

q1605 said...

I think we were married in absentia

q1605 said...

Joan if they spent their efforts on doing the right thing the we could probably have space ships that fly at the speed of light. But Nooooooooo they waste more time inventing some Rube Goldberg thing to try and not lift a finger. When I had a glass shop I let this DJ Store his equipment there. He would spend hours on the phone trying to negotiate some deal on his cell phone like rounding time down to the second lower which might have saved him a nickle a call. He would always give me that line about count pennies and dollars will take care of them self. This was always right before he tried to jack me out of some real money.

q1605 said...

I think you are right Judith. It was like the cherry on top of the big stuff. If you think I don't care now you really will understand how little you mean to me after I trash the things a normal mother would cherish. I guess I went passive aggressive on my end. I threw away her pictures and pictures of my father and ones of me if it had either of them in them. If I was in the range it wasn't them taking a picture of me it was them taking a picture of them where I happened to be walking by. All I can tell you is that whatever their motivation was for snapping a shot is moot. I figured maybe me throwing their pictures away and my ex throwing out picture away would be the closest they would ever get again as the earth mover buries them all in the landfill. If you think it's ironic that I did with our stuff exactly what my mother did with our stuff I would remind you that my mother pictures went to my ex-wife and she hasn't been heard from since she met her legal requirement on telling us it all belonged to her. I mean who does that? If I went through her mom's house and threw everything in the trash she would have a apoplectic fit. But her doing it to us is a whole different story. No matter how thoroughly my mom trashed me to outsiders. It's not like my mother ever ya'know lied to people about us oh no she was a pillar of truth.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

Speaking of baby books, mine was near empty and my siblings were full. There was some black and white photo of a baby that didn't even look like me on the front page and the rest was EMPTY. I remember being only 10 years old and thinking that baby photo is not my picture and I would cry and ask why is my baby book so empty while my siblings books were FULL? The youngest baby photo I have of myself or ever seen is when I am 8-9 months old.

q1605 said...

I can't say my mother hated us she was just happier when we weren't around.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

Maybe society should provide a way for a rotten mother to give up a baby it doesn't want without societal and familial stricture or condemnation. I think of the life I could have had with my aunt. I was so eager to be helpful around the house.....

q1605 said...

This is the speech they should have given my mother and not sit back and applaud her for getting pregnant.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o69EA3eSDf0