Monday, May 2, 2016

If someone tells you they are crazy I suggest saving your time and take them at their word!

I want to keep this close to the top. It's my only defense for when the spin cycle starts ***********************

I'm terrified of what is happening inside my own head.

When I was a child, my mother used to tell me that I was “too crazy to know I was crazy.” Was that Projection on her part? I think so. I think my mother has projected a lot of horrible and untrue things onto me, my whole life long.

But I'm not completely sure even about that because, right now, I do not feel qualified to judge anything, or anyone. I feel like I am going insane. I am confused.My thinking is muddled. I don't know for sure what I believe about anything, anymore.

Since 2009 I have been on disability for chronic severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. When I was a teenager I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, but later told that was a misdiagnosis. 20 years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but later told that, too, was a misdiagnosis. In February 2003, I took my settlement money from my last divorce and checked myself into a renowned psychiatric clinic. After a full battery of psychological and physical tests, I was told that I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, severe depression, and anxiety. No bipolar, no schizophrenia, and no signs of any personality disorders. The psychiatrist said thatmy PTSD is not really a mental illness, because it is a normal reaction to my trauma, just as it is normal for a person to bleed when they are stabbed.

In 2003, at the age of 50, for the first time since my mother had put me in an insane asylum in 1967 when I was 14 and diagnosed schizophrenic, I felt GOOD about ME. For the first time in more than 35 years, I believed that I was NOT CRAZY.

But today I think that I am crazy. Worse, I think that I am bad. I am a fucking bitch.

I have been calling myself Charity, but I realize now what a joke that is. I am not Charity, I am Bitchy. I am Crazy. Crazy Broken Bitch.

I have bizarre sensitivities to numerous medications, and I did my most recent crazy bitchy horrible VERBALLY ABUSIVE thing a few days ago, while I was having an adverse reaction caused by following a doctor's advise and doubling up on myantihistamine for my out-of-control allergies. On top of taking a double dose of antihistamine for several days, I am also taking a daily antidepressant, Celexa, and an occasional anti-anxiety drug, Clonazepam. Maybe the combination of all these medications caused my adverse reaction to doubling my antihistamine to be even worse? I don't know.

But I don't feel like my bad drug reaction is an excuse for what I did, no more than I think it is an excuse when someone is drunk if they hurt or kill someone.

I started taking the double dose of antihistamine this past weekend. My adverse reaction was that I began feeling horribly depressed, almost to the point of suicide. I felt confused, too, like my mind was malfunctioning. I also felt ANGRY, and I did not know why I was feeling that way all of a sudden.

While I was feeling this way, I went online and started reading some blogs written by other Adult Children of Narcissists, hoping that would make me feel better. I had already gone back to the beginning of several bloggers and read their earliest posts, and I decided to do that with upsi's “You Don't Have to Dance for Them” blog.

In my unstable state of mind, as I read upsi's earliest posts, I began to wonder what was so bad about her parents? I know that abuse comes in many different forms and degrees, and that simply not feeling loved is horribly abusive to a child, regardless of whether your unloving parent technically says and does the right things ~ if there is no genuine warmth and loving affection behind those words and actions, a child can sense it, and that is soul-killing.

But in the earliest posts on upsi's blog, with the emails that went back and forth between upsi and her parents, it seemed to me, in the screwed-up state of mind I was in, like upsi's mother really was loving toward her daughter, and willing to go to great lengths to resolve the problems between them.

I thought: “If only MY mother had been like this, how differently my life would have been. How differently I would be!” Of course I know that you can't hear tone of voice, you can't read body language, and you can't feel if the “vibes” behind the written words are loving and warm, or saccharin and cold.

I think its perfectly OK that I had those private questioning thoughts about upsi's early blog posts. There's no law and no harm to anyone else, when we think our secret thoughts. But what I did with my questioning thoughts is very definitely NOT OK.

What I did, horrifies even me. I wrote an anonymous comment on upsi's blog and told her what I was thinking. My comment is long, condescending, hateful, presumptuous, judgmental, and horribly rude. My comment was not only way out of line, it is abusive. It is CRAZY, because the nature and tone of that comment is so fundamentally different from the person I want to be, try to be, and thought I was. Until now, I really thought I was a good, compassionate, intelligent, fair, and caring person. But what I wrote to upsi is the opposite of all those things that I believed myself to be.

I am now forced to face the reality that I am far more broken than I ever realized. I am so sorry for writing that horrible comment to upsi! I LOATHE myself right now, for what I did to her.

Shortly after I wrote my cowardly anonymous comment to upsi, my husband told me that I did not seem like myself. He said that for the past 2 or 3 days I had seemed very grouchy and irritable and depressed, and that I seemed to be getting worse with each day. What was wrong, he asked?

I knew I felt awful, but I didn't know why. My husband told me that my change had started last Sunday. I thought about it and realized that was when I started taking double the antihistamine drug. I looked it up online and learned that taking too much of the antihistamine can cause mental confusion, mood swings, agitation, depression, and even hallucinations. So I stopped taking the antihistamine completely. I haven't taken a dose since the morning of the day that I wrote myhorrible comment to upsi.

That next morning, when I logged onto my blog, I saw that upsi had a new post called “Well, Allow Me to Retort,” and it was all about my hateful comment. I was horrified when I saw that. I reread my own words, and it made me feel sick, and deeply ashamed. I wanted to die, and that's not an exaggeration, I hated myself that much. I realized in that moment that I am far more broken and crazy than I ever knew.

In a feeble attempt to make it better, I posted a brief comment on upsi's post saying how sickened I was by that comment. I said that the writer of that comment had presumed way too much and was a flaming bitch. I wrote that, knowing full well that I was talking about ME. I knew that I was a flaming bitch. Talk about feeling schizophrenic, oh my God.

In the 3 months since I found these Adult Children of Narcissists blogs, and startedmy own blog, I have felt validated and understood for the first time in my life, by people who have gone through similar hell with similar horrible parents. I do not want to give this up. That's why, at first, I did not dare admit that I had written that horrible comment. I know that admitting I wrote it will result in me being ostracized, hated, and verbally trashed by most, if not by all of the other ACoNs; and rightfully so.

But I can't keep this awful thing a secret, and live with myself. Upsi was deeply hurt because, as I saw by her response to my comment, she wondered if her own mother had written it? I have to let upsi know that no one in her family wrote it, and no one who personally knows her or any of her family wrote it, I wrote it. I wrote it and I had no business writing it. I wrote it because I am insane, and until now I have been too crazy to know it.

I will post a comment on upsi's blog to let her know, and I will keep this post here at least for a while, long enough to let other ACoN bloggers know the truth about me. People need to know that I'm not a safe person. I'm too crazy to think straight, I'm too crazy to make sense out of my own insanity. Yes, I wrote that while my mind was all out of whack due to taking too much antihistamine. But, I do not believe that excuses what I did. That mean judgmental bitchiness came out of the inside of ME. Apparently I have a raging hateful judgmental hurtful crazy BITCH buried deep inside me, and who knows what thing or situation might cause the bitch to come out again?

Now that I know I am not sane enough to be safe in a community of wounded people, I will stop posting on this blog, and I will also stop commenting on other ACoN blogs. I am not a fake, I am truly an Adult Child of two viciously malignant narcissists. But I now have to face the horrible reality that I have some really bad Narcissistic Fleas of my own that I did not consciously know I had, until now.

Who am I? What am I? Where do I fit, in a mostly black-and-white world of Us against Them, Compassion versus Narcissism? Right now, I don't seem to fit in anywhere. Iam a stranger to myself. I have too many faults of my own, to judge anyone. I no longer trust my own mind. I no longer trust my own judgment.

I pity, that is all I know. I pity all who are wounded. Yes, even the Narcissists.

I'm sorry with all my heart for what I did to upsi. I will not ask her to forgive me, because I do not deserve her forgiveness.

I am disabling the comments here, because I am not sane enough nor strong enough right now to take the verbal bashing that I know I have coming to me. I amgoing to go away from these blogs, and I will work really hard on myself in therapy, and do my best to never hurt anyone again.

In Sorrow and Shame,
~Crazy Broken Blogger, formerly misnamed Charity

I guess instead of the twinkie defense we now have the benadryl blizzard. 


Judith said...

Is Charity still floating around the ACoN-osphere or did she finally choke on her need for excessive attention?

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

I think these people need to leave you alone. The constant "I'm sorry's" then followed by more bad behavior is crazy.

I know ACONS can carry heavy baggage and fleas but some just seem to keep on with the "slagging" and don't let up. Even if the other party walks away. I found out one blogger I have left totally alone for a year and half is STILL posting articles against me and bloggers such as yourself. We are the evil clique, blah blah suppposedly. Talk about shocking. I haven't even mentioned them. I'm still the big bad narcissist hater. How long does she plan to tell that tale and WHY?

It's nuts. Given some of her fellow supported bloggers [this isn't Linda Lee but someone else] are self avowed psychopaths who write blogs on "being a psychopath", that's scary.

q1605 said...

So if you read that mess. This is the "nothing" that made me signal my henchmen to gang up and tar and feather Linda Lee. If she had backed off one iota I would never have published something from a person who was obviously in a compromised state. But I have endured slagging on top of slagging and it's going to stop. But crazy people keep upping the ante until someone calls them on it. Remember these are HER words she posted in a comment on MY blog.

q1605 said...

Yeah Judith she is that proverbial turd that won't flush! AS long as they drape themselves across the furniture and there is a man reading that thinks they will fly to his town and blow him they will play the martyr card forever.

q1605 said...

I wouldn't have done this but it gets old reading about how I threw some gang signs at my henchmen signalling them to isolate her from the crowd and torture her for just existing. But that doesn't get her enough martyrdom. I would have let it go. But she kept painting me as a bully who bully's without cause, so I thought I would show them how much cause I have been keeping to myself.
I don't like to instill needless shame on people. I mean being shamed for existing is how I grew up. I would like to stop the cycle. I really need to put up one of charities pity party invitations. It is me showing her restraint not the other way around. My prediction is they will ignore this and not own up to it and all the nut-less men will find it an inconvenient truth that stands in the way of certain sex with the babes in the land of Blog. I am somehow reminded of a Zappa song. None specifically and all of them in general.

q1605 said...

Peep They can turn the most innocuous statement into a horrible attack by the time it makes it's way through that Gordian Knot heads of theirs. They will play as long as there is underutilized attention up for grabs. It's lunch time in Texas I am going out for a sandwich and a bleach shower.

q1605 said...

I just got back from a doctors appointment and they left some blood in me so I might have to go back. I was going to just let this go but I thought why me I haven't done anything wrong but print a comment SHE wrote. I shouldn't have to hang my head because THEY are certifiably insane. Hell they brag about how crazy they are. You are either proud of being crazy or you aren't. They are so here ya go! Have some crazy!

q1605 said...

It's not lost on me that I end up butting heads with people a lot but I prefer to think of it as people expecting me to take a bite out of a shit sandwich and call it angel food. Not-gonna- do- it!

q1605 said...

I am glad they are such attention whores that they leave their comments up. Here is Linda Lee's interpretation of what the above post said. What I read is we'll say what we want to say about who ever we want to say it about and if they don't like we'll rewrite history and deny it happened until you forget it happened.
And they call me a sick fuck!
Charity .........
I think it’s good that you posted about this. People need to be made aware of the ACON wolves in sheep’s clothing, so if they ever become a target of their online bullying, they will know they aren’t the only ones.

When the attack happened to me, I didn’t know anyone else who had gone through that. I was very new to the ACON blogging community and felt like I had found my home and my soul family when suddenly, WHAM. I said something ignorant and although I immediately owned up to it and apologized profusely, my new online “family” turned on me like a pack of rabid beasts.

All their verbal abuse made me question my own sanity. It made me flash back to the abuse of my childhood and first marriage. I felt like I was in a time warp from hell! It was truly horrible.

Writing about it now, from the perspective of all the healing and growth I have experienced since then, it seems silly that I even cared about what a small group of mean spirited hate mongers said about me. But at the time I felt like my world had ended.

I wouldn’t wish that horrifying nightmare on anyone. I started to say “except on them,” but on second thought, no, I don’t. Because it’s too horrible of an experience even for my worst enemies.

I am very sorry to hear that there has been no growth in this group of ACONs. I know the people you are talking about. They gleefully shredded my character to bits several years ago when I was most vulnerable, battling a life-threatening depression. Their evil judgments almost put the final nail in my coffin. But thanks be to God, I bounced back stronger than ever.

I wish I could take the hurt away, Lauren. You are awesome. You are wise, deeply insightful, a brilliant writer, and breathtakingly honest. Your beautiful soul shines through on the pages of your blog. People who have allowed their hearts to turn dark and ugly hate it when they see light and beauty in anyone. That’s why they try to destroy it.


q1605 said...

This is the white Knight Alex who should be forced to surrender his nut-sack to the never getting laid police.
Dude you are about as funny as a turd in the punch bowl.

Just face it Otter, you’re cover as a double agent has been blown. Sams checks in the mail, and don’t forget that meeting we have next week with the Councel o’ Foreign Relations. I’ll send the drones out for damage control…LOL.

I’m thinking some have a cptsd loop that turns over and over in their thought processes constantly. Only God knows how much of their deluded thinking is involuntary and how much is an actual craving for sadism like the very kind their all victims of to begin with. No matter , we avoid and go no contact just any disordered person. I know for years after the spell broke I was constantly raging and emoting about old wounds , fresh wounds, and even more memories that came flooding back after I achieved some peace in my life. I know if I didn’t stay in fight or flight mode , I would immediately feel intense vulnerability. If some never move out of that dragon slaying stage , I would imagine they often run out of ghosts to throw punches at, so maybe others suffer transferred aggression. Their problem, not ours. Glad you’ve grown and strengthened so much since I started reading. Way to go!
Alex is good enough and smart enough and doggone it people like him.

Alex said...

Oh Q have I told you lately how awesomely awesome you are and how splendidly splendid you make me feel. I would send you hugs but sometimes hugs are just not enough:
Q your my big daddy and you turn me on
I'd like to do your booty on the white house lawn.
Q I want to show you my "o" face.
Ask me about my flair mister man meat.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

One thing I've learned is people who go on about love, healing and growth, are not people I trust. You know all that fancy "nice talk", but really they are sharpening the skewers. Its weird when they claim there is "no growth" that is what one local narc I had to contend with gave that message too. What do narcs care about "growth"? They are always busy picking at everyone else while thinking they are perfect.

Actually I find a check from you know who to be believable. They'd all be best buds.

Joan S said...

I guess the feel sorry for narcs lovefest is still going on. Oh no, I did not say that, I said ALL NARCISSISTS, which is really my way of messing with your head. Tee hee, I'm so crazy, I can get away with it because I can just say I'm on so many drugs and been so badly abused, I DESERVE TO GET TO DO WHAT I WANT TO. I have no accountability. HUGS. Oh, I really don't know what a narc is, I'm just kidding. Don't you feel sorry for someone who suffers from narcissism?

q1605 said...

Yeah Joan were back where we we go round again. I ain't letting them shout me down for once. If I had not let my mother get the upper-hand I would have saved over a million bucks. Oh yes you did just say that! You are crazy they are bat shit loons.......Big difference. One helps the ambiance of the dining room one helps the ambiance by the dumpster. You are the former by the way.

q1605 said...

Joan if you keep sharpening you narc destroyer skills I might have to start charging you.

q1605 said...

I'll take a sincere joan and a silver tongued TW and a mulderfan and pass on the 10,000 maniac petting zoo they have going over there. And I mean that as awesomely splendid as I can say it.

Judith said...

God, the whole "growth" argument. I feel like I'm barely hanging on half the time. Growth? Who has time for that? So sorry -- I'll never be the bigger person and start swallowing the shit my mother is serving, or the shit of anyone else for that matter. Guess I'm unevolved and stunted.

q1605 said...

We accept the unevolved here and without reservation. And the whole that was a year ago shit..... get over it. If I didn't accept calls from telemarketers a year ago what are they going to say that's any different from last year. It was bullshit last year and the earth has made it one full trip around the sun since then and it is no less bullshit now. We didn't buy it a year ago and it's a year older and out of date now. So if you analyze that logic they are selling us year old shit sandwiches and we are now suddenly supposed to buy them now? How about them living in the world they live in and me living in mine and never the twain shall meet. That I can buy. But you welcoming a charity into your fold doesn't sell me on your message one iota.

upsi said...

Hmm I guess I missed what lead up to this. Maybe I don't want to know what goes on relating to the "gangs" and cliques and whatnot. It's been many years since that all went down with Charity, or whoever she was. When I look back on that, it did become very ugly and triggered all of us wounded folks. I don't know what to make of her saying we all were evil but I guess everyone has the right to see the world the way they do. People blog for expression, for support, for a community, and we find some kind of home here. I have had to dig deep and face my own demons, work on myself instead of blaming everyone in my life. And it's not easy but I just keep trying. Working through the pain of the past, through wounds, through not getting what I needed or being mistreated, all of it ends up being my job. So whatever is going on with the blogosphere, just chiming in to say that some people DO grow and own responsibility for themselves. I think I spent so much time aiming my anger and judgement at other people, at my mother, at random disturbed people on the blogs, at estranged parents, at whoever I could aim it because it's easier to vent it that way than to look inward and find a little bit of peace with myself. I think it's actually important to say that Charity was right, however disturbed and "out of line" she was: my mother is a loving person and has gone to great lengths to repair our relationship. Charity was like the child in the emperor's new clothes who just spoke this forbidden truth, said what she saw. It was so taboo in that context, it pulled the thread out of this elaborate sweater I knitted around myself, and I would like to apologize to her for the way she was treated on the blog. You don't have to publish this, Q, if it's not appropriate to your mind, but I'd like to lay that whole thing to rest once and for all. Let's all find that little bit of peace inside and move on.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

Yes booh-hoo, Big Bad Fivehundredpound peep the "fundie" is still being "mean" to narcs. Trust me my mother is not boo-hooing over my exit from her life, she's shopping and laying 50 more bucks down at Red Lobster for lunch. LOL yeah the narc lovers strain a gnat, I don't mean ALL NARCS, but those cuddly ones over there, you big bad ACONS hurt the fweelings of. Yeah the drugs fests go on with the narc fests. Doesn't one have to be on drugs to see monsters as cute and cuddly? Maybe they see some skeletons and bad trips in their heads as the acid portals open up to the tune of the Grateful Dead and the devil's just this friendly guy whose "misunderstood". There's no reasoning with people like that. It's like getting someone like Queen Spider to shed a real tear. Not going to happen, well maybe in drug and fantasy land.

Me too Q

The "growth" movement, yes what a crock. You did not "grow". I think that means we did not let our brains turn to mush. I'll stay unevolved too.

It's the same crap different day. One thing with narcs is they are boring, and never change, and the message remains the exact same for all the growth they claim.

q1605 said...

If you read upsi's wise words you will see why I am fiercely protective of her. She is the nicest person around. Way too nice to become fodder for a lunatics ramblings.

q1605 said...

I am letting it drop up to pulling her post at Upsi. If they can read the seething hate she spewed and call others haters and bully's she can have at. Posting such low posts anonymously is just the gutless tactics they like to point out in others but do it them selves when your back is turned. I bet the leader of the petting zoo is getting a buzz cause once again she gets to be the center of attention which is what this really is all about.

upsi said...

The words you posted here were written by Charity, and we're not outing her real identity so I say let it stay. What I find interesting to notice is that it's still the antihistamine's fault, and that years later there is still this victim ideology. That's her choice and ultimately I can only say that what she did has not harmed me in any way and that I've moved forward with my life. If she has stewed in her experience and chosen to dwell there, that's her choice. It's over and done. I know I've grown up since then, and that I can see with hindsight how it was this group trigger, of someone questioning the validity of another person's experience. There's no sting around that for me, I can have a mature conversation about it. But back then I couldn't.

Thanks for letting me say my piece, Q, you're a truly decent person who has been a friend to me in the darkest times. We're all just slogging through it trying to find our way. You have helped me find my way and for that I'll always be grateful.

Judith said...

I didn't even know I was a member of your gang. Did you forget to send me the secret handshake or have I not passed hazing yet? You have to tell me because I can't deal with being autonomous and having my own opinion and ideas!!!

q1605 said...

r decoder ring is in the mail. I sent it USPS so it may end up in Korea before it makes it to you.

Anonymous said...

Is Caliban's sister and Charity, the same person?

q1605 said...

Anonymous...Not to my knowledge. I am pretty sure they are two different people. I liked Caliban at first and for a long time, it was only later when she started accusing people that are friends of mine of being underhanded that I got so I couldn't stomach her anymore. For that matter, I liked Charity. I get a bad reputation for being spiteful over nothing. If I am that, it's because I don't like to be betrayed. I like loyalty. I like to receive it and I will give it in return. AND I hate being the catch all for someone else's bad manners and behavior. I pretty well draw my culpability line at global warming. That you can't blame that on me.

mulderfan said...

Until I read this thread I'd completely forgotten the Charity fiasco on upsi's blog.

I do remember that awesome feeling of validation when I found ACoN blogs. At first I was like a deer caught in the headlights and couldn't stop reading. Then I started my own blog and couldn't stop replaying every detail of the abuse inflicted by my NFOO. Still do it far too much but stepping away from blogging for a while really helped me move on.

Despite best efforts on my part there has been no reconciliation and I need to accept that demanding members of my NFOO change to fulfill MY needs is not an awful lot different from them demanding I play the role THEY want ME to play.

These days, I follow very few blogs because they have a tendency to make me jump back on that hamster wheel in my head, which being a hamster wheel gets me not one step closer to sanity.

In the end, as they say in AA, "It is what it is." All the blogging in the world won't change the past. Now that I'm told I have a ticking time bomb in my head, each morning when I wake up is basically a WOW! Strangely liberating.

q1605 said...

I would have never have posted it but for reading her characterize the old incident as an unwarranted attack to her and this blog she likes to sniff around. So I thought I would refresh her memory. She made it sound like she was a regular Julie Andrews singing in the Alps and I flashed a gang signal and we all just ripped her to pieces.

mulderfan said...

I'm no longer into drama except the steamy emails I get from you!

q1605 said...

Hubba Hubba! Another thing I am unsure of is how we are not up to their standards as far as growth and dwelling on the past so I am thinking we can both get megaphones. And I'll go to my fathers grave and you can go to your older brothers grave and yell at them and tell them they are really pushing their point and they need to evolve and grow and we'll dig them up and rebuild our relationship. But the impetus is on them to reanimate at six feet under and when they have we will gladly come with a back hoe and dig them up and they can jump out of the casket and do the macarena.

q1605 said...

Cuz I tell you if you read much of their stuff it's pretty obvious personality disorder's are just a hobby for them and that real tragedy at the hands of crazy people is something they don't understand. Like a first year grad student they are all about buying books and rushing off to therapy and put as much thought in to it as a adolescent high school student.

q1605 said...

Cuz if you try to give them useful advice they act like they know all about it already. Like those guys that move to Alaska to live with bears. Man you should take a rifle ........don't need it, I am going to kill them with kindness and walk amongst them as equals. Well don't turn your back on them. Shush! I got this all figured out. And next spring all they find is a jaw bone and some tufts of hair.

Alex said...

I often thought he was a drinker because of his over use of song lyrics to make posts. Four drinks in you can read lots of rubbish into just about any ole tune. Lack of talent often drives writers to rely on things like lyrics, poems and oh yeah , the occasional violence porn shot to garner attension. Shock jocks aren’t telented , just desperate and lonely. (Pardon me , while I wipe a tear)

Alex said...

Maybe he’ll counter with a close up of baby seals being clubbed. Since he’s such a class act. One things for sure, his blowing hot air into the empty void will never stop. It’s what he’s always done. It’s what he’ll always be. A true warning example of self pity grown into pathological grime.

Linda Lee said...

Yes, it did feel like a death. Basically what happened was this: I had just started a new medication and wasn’t thinking clearly. While my head was in a fog, I left a critical comment on the blog of one of Q’s long-time ACON friends, expressing an opinion that I still believe was possibly correct — however, it was absolutely Not My Place to say anything critical to that blogger about what she was writing on her own blog. Even worse, I did an uncharacteristically chicken sh*t thing…. I posted my opinion… anonymously! (I still can’t believe I did that.) The next morning, when I saw the blogger’s extremely upset reaction to my anonymous criticism – I realized then, not only how wrong I was to leave that critical remark – I also realized how wrong it was to leave it anonymously, because she had assumed that my anonymous remark had been left by her mother, or else by one of her mother’s flying monkeys.

With my heart pounding in my throat I immediately posted an apology on her blog, using the online name they all knew me by. I admitted that I was the stupid jerk who had left that critical comment, not anyone from her family. I also explained that I had just started a new medication which seemed to be scrambling my brain and interfering with my judgment…. although, I said, I didn’t feel right trying to “excuse” my hurtful behavior on a tiny pill. That’s like a drunk trying to say he isn’t responsible for what he does. It’s a cop-out, in my opinion. Ultimately, I said, I felt that *I* was to blame, not a drug. I should have been stronger than that drug! And indeed, when I saw how much my criticism had hurt her, my conscious did become stronger than the drug and I knew how wrong I had been.

Within minutes of me posting my admission of guilt, the missles and hand grenades and bombs started falling. I was judged, labeled, diagnosed – every comment and every post I had ever written was dissected and analyzed. Basically, an autopsy was performed on me while I was still alive and conscious. But as bad as their hate hurt, the worst part was knowing that my own stupidity had started it!

Even so, the bullying I got from these people was WAY out of proportion, in my opinion, to my mistake. Jesus said, “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.” Whether a person believes in Christ or not, wouldn’t it be a wonderful world if everyone lived by those words!

Otter said...

I’ll let it stay for now, but if I hear flack from Q about it, I’ll delete it.

Wow, anyway, what a horrible story. I feel badly that he had to go through that, as mean as he is. It sure does explain why he acts like he does though. No child should ever have to go through something like that. His mother sounds like she was a somatic MN. His father sounds like a psychopath but possibly in thrall to his mom. It sounds like his father hated him and was jealous of him for being his mother’s GC.

It reallly does suck when someone you thought was a friend and who confided in you suddenly turns on you. Sometimes it’ so hard to know who you can trust. It;s one of the most painful things, and you do grieve almost as if the person died only it’s worse in a way because there’s also the sting of betrayal and rejection.

Lucky otter said...

Now he says I’m backpeddling out of the drama because I am “losing my argument” and “losing viewers.” I call BS on that. I have 917 views so far today, my best day ever. Sure, a few are probably from the minions of hate who want to see what all the drama and fuss was about but all this is unintentionally bringing this blog more viewers than ever before and I’m positive not all of them are flying monkeys and bullies. So he’s dead wrong and making ass-u-me-ptions again.

As for me leaving the drama behind, it’s what I wanted anyway. I just want to be left alone by these…people. I want to post about things that matter to me, not this stupid high school hate fest. I’ve already stated that numerous times.

So, thank you, Piggy Q, for helping publicize this blog. I would bet my entire paycheck that was not your intention, but I thank you sincerely, sir.

Corn fed contessa. said...

Wow, what a loser!

Alex said...

Thanks for sharing that Alaina. Youre truly an inspiration. That was my draw to Q too. I would have been buried in the back yard if they thought they could’ve gotten away with it. Qs mom is my dad, only female. Maybe that’s why we are both readers of Otter. We both can’t focus on the venom any longer. Haunted maybe , but not hopelessly controlled by these evil families.

Anonymous said...

It sucks to be Q. That’s for sure. There by the grace of God….

q1605 said...

BTW all the not nice posts are from another blog and not new comments I found them stashed in a google cache and needed a place to save them for the next time they are having an exorcism of the great Satan that is me.

mulderfan said...

WTF (Who The Fuck) left the bag of idiots open? The garbage you morons are spewing proves you know absolutely nothing about the loving, compassionate man behind the Q. I am honoured and humbled that he considers me a friend.

q1605 said...

M-fan these are old comments I stumbled across and didn't have a word file up so I saved them here. But when they were new back then and that's how they were talking They shut up after I posted that diatribe Linda Lee said about me.

mulderfan said...

Got my knickers in a knot just reading that BS. Damn near fired up my broom while Hallowe'en was still weeks away!

q1605 said...

Darling I love you but if you keep gushing they will accuse you of being a sock puppet. Those comments are dated now, but there was a time when they had just come off the presses. I still don't see why posting song lyrics is sure and damning evidence of my being an alcoholic. I am/was but song lyrics are not sure and certain proof. Its funny that me using a Mel Brooks clip to get a laugh made me a cruel and sick bastard but when Mel Brooks does it he gets to sell tickets on Broadway. Me posting what Charity actually said made her look less like Julie Andrews and more like an escaped mental patient. And I haven't heard from any of them since. So lets leave it at that.

q1605 said...

Otter actually heard my story from Charity and offered to pull her post so they are not completely heartless. If people like us don't want to coddle narcs I think it's very understandable. As everyone likes to say narcs exist on a spectrum. It s just people like us got the shit end of the stick and maybe theirs weren't so unruly.

mulderfan said...

Reminds me of people who bitch about Facebook posts. If you don't like songs don't listen or read the lyrics. If you don't like Q, don't follow or check on his blog.
Not really rocket science.
Hmmm...sock puppet? I like that!

q1605 said...

I can be Shari Lewis and you can be lamb chop if you think I can get my hand that far up your skirt. Yeah you were locomoting when you found my blog so keep at it until I can't see you anymore.

mulderfan said...

Sounds like you've been watching the Trump tape! Finding your blog was bestest thing ever.

q1605 said...

Trump? Well this blog IS about Sociopaths!

q1605 said...

For someone who says she doesn't care about how many hits she gets every other word out of her mouth is something pertaining to her popularity.