I want to keep this close to the top. It's my only defense for when the spin cycle starts ***********************
I'm terrified of what is happening inside my own head.
When I was a child, my mother used to tell me that I was “too crazy to know I was crazy.” Was that Projection on her part? I think so. I think my mother has projected a lot of horrible and untrue things onto me, my whole life long.
But I'm not completely sure even about that because, right now, I do not feel qualified to judge anything, or anyone. I feel like I am going insane. I am confused.My thinking is muddled. I don't know for sure what I believe about anything, anymore.
Since 2009 I have been on disability for chronic severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. When I was a teenager I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, but later told that was a misdiagnosis. 20 years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but later told that, too, was a misdiagnosis. In February 2003, I took my settlement money from my last divorce and checked myself into a renowned psychiatric clinic. After a full battery of psychological and physical tests, I was told that I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, severe depression, and anxiety. No bipolar, no schizophrenia, and no signs of any personality disorders. The psychiatrist said thatmy PTSD is not really a mental illness, because it is a normal reaction to my trauma, just as it is normal for a person to bleed when they are stabbed.
In 2003, at the age of 50, for the first time since my mother had put me in an insane asylum in 1967 when I was 14 and diagnosed schizophrenic, I felt GOOD about ME. For the first time in more than 35 years, I believed that I was NOT CRAZY.
But today I think that I am crazy. Worse, I think that I am bad. I am a fucking bitch.
I have been calling myself Charity, but I realize now what a joke that is. I am not Charity, I am Bitchy. I am Crazy. Crazy Broken Bitch.
I have bizarre sensitivities to numerous medications, and I did my most recent crazy bitchy horrible VERBALLY ABUSIVE thing a few days ago, while I was having an adverse reaction caused by following a doctor's advise and doubling up on myantihistamine for my out-of-control allergies. On top of taking a double dose of antihistamine for several days, I am also taking a daily antidepressant, Celexa, and an occasional anti-anxiety drug, Clonazepam. Maybe the combination of all these medications caused my adverse reaction to doubling my antihistamine to be even worse? I don't know.
But I don't feel like my bad drug reaction is an excuse for what I did, no more than I think it is an excuse when someone is drunk if they hurt or kill someone.
I started taking the double dose of antihistamine this past weekend. My adverse reaction was that I began feeling horribly depressed, almost to the point of suicide. I felt confused, too, like my mind was malfunctioning. I also felt ANGRY, and I did not know why I was feeling that way all of a sudden.
While I was feeling this way, I went online and started reading some blogs written by other Adult Children of Narcissists, hoping that would make me feel better. I had already gone back to the beginning of several bloggers and read their earliest posts, and I decided to do that with upsi's “You Don't Have to Dance for Them” blog.
In my unstable state of mind, as I read upsi's earliest posts, I began to wonder what was so bad about her parents? I know that abuse comes in many different forms and degrees, and that simply not feeling loved is horribly abusive to a child, regardless of whether your unloving parent technically says and does the right things ~ if there is no genuine warmth and loving affection behind those words and actions, a child can sense it, and that is soul-killing.
But in the earliest posts on upsi's blog, with the emails that went back and forth between upsi and her parents, it seemed to me, in the screwed-up state of mind I was in, like upsi's mother really was loving toward her daughter, and willing to go to great lengths to resolve the problems between them.
I thought: “If only MY mother had been like this, how differently my life would have been. How differently I would be!” Of course I know that you can't hear tone of voice, you can't read body language, and you can't feel if the “vibes” behind the written words are loving and warm, or saccharin and cold.
I think its perfectly OK that I had those private questioning thoughts about ups
i's early blog posts. There's no law and no harm to anyone else, when we think our secret thoughts. But what I did with my questioning thoughts is very definitely NOT OK.
What I did, horrifies even me. I wrote an anonymous comment on upsi's blog and told her what I was thinking. My comment is long, condescending, hateful, presumptuous, judgmental, and horribly rude. My comment was not only way out of line, it is abusive. It is CRAZY, because the nature and tone of that comment is so fundamentally different from the person I want to be, try to be, and thought I was. Until now, I really thought I was a good, compassionate, intelligent, fair, and caring person. But what I wrote to upsi is the opposite of all those things that I believed myself to be.
I am now forced to face the reality that I am far more broken than I ever realized. I am so sorry for writing that horrible comment to upsi! I LOATHE myself right now, for what I did to her.
Shortly after I wrote my cowardly anonymous comment to upsi, my husband told me that I did not seem like myself. He said that for the past 2 or 3 days I had seemed very grouchy and irritable and depressed, and that I seemed to be getting worse with each day. What was wrong, he asked?
I knew I felt awful, but I didn't know why. My husband told me that my change had started last Sunday. I thought about it and realized that was when I started taking double the antihistamine drug. I looked it up online and learned that taking too much of the antihistamine can cause mental confusion, mood swings, agitation, depression, and even hallucinations. So I stopped taking the antihistamine completely. I haven't taken a dose since the morning of the day that I wrote myhorrible comment to upsi.
That next morning, when I logged onto my blog, I saw that upsi had a new post called “Well, Allow Me to Retort,” and it was all about my hateful comment. I was horrified when I saw that. I reread my own words, and it made me feel sick, and deeply ashamed. I wanted to die, and that's not an exaggeration, I hated myself that much. I realized in that moment that I am far more broken and crazy than I ever knew.
In a feeble attempt to make it better, I posted a brief comment on upsi's post saying how sickened I was by that comment. I said that the writer of that comment had presumed way too much and was a flaming bitch. I wrote that, knowing full well that I was talking about ME. I knew that I was a flaming bitch. Talk about feeling schizophrenic, oh my God.
In the 3 months since I found these Adult Children of Narcissists blogs, and startedmy own blog, I have felt validated and understood for the first time in my life, by people who have gone through similar hell with similar horrible parents. I do not want to give this up. That's why, at first, I did not dare admit that I had written that horrible comment. I know that admitting I wrote it will result in me being ostracized, hated, and verbally trashed by most, if not by all of the other ACoNs; and rightfully so.
But I can't keep this awful thing a secret, and live with myself. Upsi was deeply hurt because, as I saw by her response to my comment, she wondered if her own mother had written it? I have to let upsi know that no one in her family wrote it, and no one who personally knows her or any of her family wrote it, I wrote it. I wrote it and I had no business writing it. I wrote it because I am insane, and until now I have been too crazy to know it.
I will post a comment on upsi's blog to let her know, and I will keep this post here at least for a while, long enough to let other ACoN bloggers know the truth about me. People need to know that I'm not a safe person. I'm too crazy to think straight, I'm too crazy to make sense out of my own insanity. Yes, I wrote that while my mind was all out of whack due to taking too much antihistamine. But, I do not believe that excuses what I did. That mean judgmental bitchiness came out of the inside of ME. Apparently I have a raging hateful judgmental hurtful crazy BITCH buried deep inside me, and who knows what thing or situation might cause the bitch to come out again?
Now that I know I am not sane enough to be safe in a community of wounded people, I will stop posting on this blog, and I will also stop commenting on other ACoN blogs. I am not a fake, I am truly an Adult Child of two viciously malignant narcissists. But I now have to face the horrible reality that I have some really bad Narcissistic Fleas of my own that I did not consciously know I had, until now.
Who am I? What am I? Where do I fit, in a mostly black-and-white world of Us against Them, Compassion versus Narcissism? Right now, I don't seem to fit in anywhere. Iam a stranger to myself. I have too many faults of my own, to judge anyone. I no longer trust my own mind. I no longer trust my own judgment.
I pity, that is all I know. I pity all who are wounded. Yes, even the Narcissists.
I'm sorry with all my heart for what I did to upsi. I will not ask her to forgive me, because I do not deserve her forgiveness.
I am disabling the comments here, because I am not sane enough nor strong enough right now to take the verbal bashing that I know I have coming to me. I amgoing to go away from these blogs, and I will work really hard on myself in therapy, and do my best to never hurt anyone again.
In Sorrow and Shame,
~Crazy Broken Blogger, formerly misnamed Charity
I guess instead of the twinkie defense we now have the benadryl blizzard.
I guess instead of the twinkie defense we now have the benadryl blizzard.