Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Not giving a fuck 101

I really don't give a fuck anymore. If idiots want to ride the disordered wagon to crazy town fine and dandy by me. If they hate me, they hate me if they don't, they don't. I spent my whole life trying to please people that will. not. be. pleased. As long as the first amendment stays in place I'll do what ever I want and they can all blow me.  Because if you try to give them advice they don't want to hear it. Like the guys moving to Alaska to live with the bears. ...........You tell them to take a rifle and they'll say they don't need it, they are going to kill them with kindness and walk among them as equals. Well I wouldn't turn my back on them SHUSH! I got this. And next Spring you try to find them and all that's left is a jawbone and some tufts of hair.

53 comments:

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

LOL a bit R rated for me Q!

When I decided to write a blog about being 500lbs, man that got me some real haters...and I still get them. Stop eating you fat piece of crap, is around the general messages. I got somewhat vindicated with the Lipedema diagnosis but that doesn't matter to idiots.

There's some people I DON'T WANT like me. They give me the willies. Hanging out with online self avowed psychopaths? Covering one's weird website with more Vigilante Citizen garbage then I can count? I know I'm the resident "conspiracy theorist" thinking about astroturfers and top dog narcissist disciples but there's some people in this world who are just creeps.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

correction, I don't want them to like me...

q1605 said...

If people are shameless so be it. I read about guys who will fill their pockets with horse shit and go sit in the lobby of the Ritz Carlton to see how much money the concierge will pay them to leave. I consider that crew to be of the same caliber.

q1605 said...

They are like the kid who whacks their sibling while the parents aren't looking and then deny it while they stand behind the skirts of their moms sticking their tongue out. Eventually someone will see them for what they are and give them their due which is no credibility. I have driven by a hospital so I guess that makes me a survivor of cancer and chemotherapy. Never had it I just saw that it sucks and there fore will self publish a book about it.

q1605 said...

Good point. if they liked me it would speak volumes about me. From what I understand none of them have kids that will get within a mile of them and they stalk them on Facebook to maintain a relationship. That tells you all you need to know.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

Not surprised about the guys who get pay offs to leave hotel lobbies. Yes same caliber. Sure they are like the kid who does things behind the parent's back and plays innocent. Some like to latch on to being martyrs, only thing is do people without consciences ever suffer in any real ways?

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

Yeah we don't want to be liked by them. Birds of a different feather don't want to flock together! So wonder they lay the Kumbuyah crap on so thick.

mulderfan said...

Along the way, I've met so many great people who, like me, have been described as weirdos, the rest only deserve: " FUCK 'EM!

q1605 said...

M-fun. With crazies if you try to get beyond Fuck'em you are in for a big headache.
It's a blindness I can't relate to. Last night I was watching this special with the son of a Nazi that kept rationalizing his fathers war crimes to a guy who lost his family in Treblinka. He would grab a hold of the flimsiest excuse to not have to say his father belonged to a twisted political party. Like there would be a document that authorized a part of the genocide machine and if he signed it in the wrong spot it exonerated his fathers role. That not exactly what it was but more or less if there was anyway he could fob it on on something bedsides his dad he would. They finally just thew up their hands in exasperation and let it go. I will have to put some WHO on and think of my old T.Rex.

q1605 said...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G1xqI_4btnc
This is me stumbling upon them signing Cum bah yah.

q1605 said...

Yeah Peep your problem is the last kosher place to openly discriminate without fear of retribution. I don't envy your life at all. You are most definitely right. If they were over here giving me the circle jerk they give themselves it would be intolerable. I would automatically wonder what my defect is and why a bunch of people were here patting me on the back while they piss down my pants leg. That's the only thing about my mothers father I was ever told. That was his favorite saying from what I hear. It must be hereditary. I would rather get a sincere F-off than to be sucked up to .....Kurt Cobain said I would rather be hated for who I am rather than loved for who I am not. You know they are all grinning and twirling their snidely whiplash mustaches. Like they say we do about them. I hate to repeat myself but there is something wrong with you if your kids have gone NC. They brag about it. "I have 6 kids none of which will refrain from calling the cops on me if I pull into their driveway." So I keep apprised of their life by stalking them on Facebook.

q1605 said...

Wait it's about time for me to threaten to quit blogging so you guys can beg me to stay. I think that's how the script reads.

mulderfan said...

Holy crap Q! Your comment made me remember that years ago,the last time the NGC was at my house, one of my dog's lifted his leg and pissed on him. Damn! If I'd paid closer attention to that dog it would have saved me years of BS!

mulderfan said...

OK you win. Keep blogging so the NGC has someone other than me to stalk.

q1605 said...

Mulderfan I think I will hire Alex to work for me. You know how all the rappers have midgets in their entourage? I would like a talking sphincter and he's the only one I've seen.

Joan S said...

Hmm, I think I'll open a blog and call myself an ACON, then six months later I'll confess that I'm actually BPD, and get all you ACON's to feel sorry for narcs. Talk about a wolf in sheep's clothing. And btw, that picture of the wolf goes up so much over there, you have to wonder. Bottom line for me is, that if specifics aren't covered, then I'm out of there. It kind of goes all over the place. But believe me when I say, that the narc will always come first over there.

Joan S said...

My cat one time peed on my mother. A full grown housecat with a clean litter box. Animals are so smart.

q1605 said...

And here I was thinking cats were dumb.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

I'll take the weirdos over the freaks that seem to sell.

One can't fight crazy anyway, they just up the ante. It's the reason we go NC from the freaks we are related to.
Sad some guy making excuses for his Nazi father, that's just pathetic.

LOL, love that scene. I'd be ready to do the same thing....John Belushi was great!


Yeah the whole fat thing is carte blanche, probably given me a thick skin to be "out and fat", I've had more jerks to contend with then I want to know. There's some post even where some fat haters mocked me for saying I was adopted. Oh I've heard it all. I've been called every name in the book. Watching the psychopath club whine they haven't seen 10 percent of this. Don't they know their ilk are celebrated from the top down in this society?

You ever notice every commenter on their blogs is an butt-kisser. People like that get fans, they don't get friends. Well that's for the ones who aren't fake identities.


I'd rather be told to F off then get the fake crap. That's how the catfisher hurt me but even then her passive aggressive crap was serving as a red flag. Next person tells me they are an Aspie, unless I met them on an Aspergers board or see evidence for it like some local people Ive met, I'm not believing you. Pretend love bombings, sickly cloying. Yes if the kids have gone on the run, there's a reason for it.

LOL pay attention to the dogs and cats!

Oh Joan don't forget to say you're an Aspie too in your new blog and poor too even though your house or apt is full of expensive antiques and there's never a shortage of money for trips. There's a reason the cats were always hiding out in my mother's house, hmmmmmmm.

Joan S said...

I miss that cat. He used to crane his neck to look around corners when mother was around. When my daughter was sleeping on the floor, the cat was looking at her, then at mother, and I think the cat thought that mother killed her. It was pretty funny. He wouldn't go near mother, except for the one time he peed on her.

Now she is not an Aspie. But before she was diagnosed as an Aspie, she said so! Then she said she wasn't an aspie. That she was only self-diagnosed.

q1605 said...

Joan if you want to see class personified go to that other thread and read upsi's comments. That she speaks as well of Charity as she does in the face of their insanity is class beyond compare. Now people will know why I won't stand by and watch them drag her through the mud. She finally saw her light and worked through issues she owns and is getting happy. Not the air kiss fake gush happy. The kind of happy that comes from within. I don't feel comfortable commandeering her story anymore than that. Not when she can speak for herself capably. She will always be welcome here to say what ever she feels like saying. And when ever she feels like saying it. I will speak for all of us and say she is missed and I would rather her be gone and happy than for her to co-inhabit the same shit hole as you know who. I'll feel the same way about you Joan when/if you find your way.

Joan S said...

I know Charity posed as Upsi's mother, and pretended to belittle her. It is a deplorable act, one she is not accounting for. But what motivates someone to do this, I've only seen that ACON's are great and supportive people. But I don't know who Upsi is. I thought she was the person in "Open your Eyes and See". I agree that happiness comes from within, and it is not fake. I hope someday to make my way out, but if I don't I'll continue to do what I do, and trash the miserable freaks down into the ground. In my mind that separates me from the mess that was my life of trying to please them, and getting hurt in the process. I continued to try to find my way, and tried to please them and there was no pleasing them. Now, I need to go the other way, to remove my mind from the turmoil, to change, to accept them for what they are, not moralizing their behaviour. They have never showed me mercy. So, yeah, I need to create the disconnect. This is healing, this is growth, and recovery. It is not fake, it is born of fact. We need to give up on them, and stop giving them our humanity to trample over.

If someone feels another way, that we must have compassion, after 6 months of awakening, then I question this. To me they have not been abused, they were the abuser in their family, sure they had a moment of grief of "hating mommy" but that ended with a pie in the sky attitude. I call BS.

I still have a hard time disconnecting. But my pleaser days are over, but I still have to be careful of that. How is forgiving my abusers gonna help with that?

q1605 said...

There is a line that gets crossed that I think you never come back from. I use the story of my mother having sex with some guy and shoving me to the floor when I tried to pull them apart. Calling it a line they cross is not quite right terminology wise. It's evidence of them being a totally ungoverned maniac. They can't cross a line that doesn't exist. I won't even saddle the petting zoo with those words. I think the line or lack of one is whats inherently contained in each of us. There are men that do unspeakable things in war that come back to sanity when the stimulus is with drawn. Some come back, some never do. I doubt if the most trained professionals can read it because it changes according to the stimulus of the actions and the personality contained within. I thought I was going to have to shoot a guy that was trying to kick my door in and I was more afraid of having to kill this guy than I was of him. But by god if he had breached my apartment I was going to shoot him point blank with 12 gauge double ought buck shot. I don't think it would have been a conduit to turn like my mother but who knows. The guy that went to prison for her murder had threatened to find and kill her if and when he got out. When he made that threat I would have put my money on him doing it. But after 14 years at the ranch he secured parole and got out and went home and died a few years later of a heart attack. My point being by the time he went home he just wanted his life back and didn't want to jeopardize what time he had left.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

Wow that cat knew. If the cats hiss at someone coming in a room. Watch out!

Yeah now she admits not being an Aspie. Weird its the diagnosis du jour show. I know I got a lot of crap wrong with me, but it's not like a new one every minute.

Its sad someone posted as Upsis mother. Even I don't know if an outside creep was trying to fake me out. Mrs. Queen Withholding even if she found my blog would never have said. I don't know if I will make my way out either. Maybe a younger and healthier me could have but I'll call them out too Joan.

Yes we need to give up on them. There's no fixing this. I'm done extending the energy. Recovery lies in not taking the garbage. I know I'm working on the "please like me junk" and striving to be good enough stuff, I was left with.

I think the giant phonies claiming someone should have no anger or turmoil left after 6 months are basically announcing to the world they were the abusers too. To have such a flippant attitude towards abuse shows they never were the victim but the instigaters and to me the proof is in the pudding with her friendly relationships with self avowed psychopaths even one commenter whose blog she comments on all the time--look for the person with 666 in their name, is proud of being a psychopath, tells us everything we need to know.

I know I struggle with the disconnecting too, that dream of wanting things to "change" and people to become "loving" people dies hard when you have to admit it's never going to change and you can only change what you are doing which is to walk away.

People who demand fakeness of other people too--for ACONS to squelch all grief, and other natural emotions from life times of loss and abuse, are fakes themselves!

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

He probably just wanted a few years of peace and happiness and didn't want time wasted on your mother. Yeah your mother crossed all sorts of lines. The type to sink to all levels. Mine scares me. Even now. I hope I don't sound paranoid when I have written in the past, I have to watch my back.I learned not to underestimate the depths people will sink when I worked around those gang-member and violent teens. Some were literal murderers, attempted murderers, rapists and drug dealers.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

People who are proud of being psychopaths and narcissists by the way are a different level of crazy.

Most psychopaths/sociopaths/malignant narcissists are doing what they can to appear like "normal" people to the outside world.

q1605 said...

I am sure of it. 14 years is a long time behind bars. It's sad he was really just starting to live a real life. He was out less than 10 years no maybe 20 and he died. Probably stress from going to jail instead of my mother. I think of him as much a victim of hers as my father or the guy they shot and left for dead. Lemme think.... he went to prison in 70 and paroled out in 84 and died the first decade of 2000 so he got cheated out of quite a bit of life. He paroled out to Missouri his home state and had a job driving a truck when he died. I didn't like him cuz he drown my guinea pig and gave it pneumonia. Outside of that I had no problem with him.

q1605 said...

No he went to prison in 67 and paroled out in 81 the rest is correct.

Joan S said...

I imagine a malignant narcissist in their 30's or 40's and the massive death toll they have created through their life, since they have been at this since their were young children. I knew one that would never swear or talk back and at first sight you would think she was a very good person. She would do things for you, and would seem very nice. But I had to look past that, into the slight things she may have been responsible for, her daughter who was tormented by her, and her family that never seemed to like her. The times I have talked to her needing support, and I would come off that feeling worse, for she was only giving me feedback or her opinion about me, somehow a talk about a problem I had made me feel like the worst person on the planet. I can't describe how she did this. This is a deliberate action from a very honed skill.

Or my ex who was seemingly a very nice guy. Everyone liked him, and he was not very nice to anyone, and held everyone in disdain. And everyone trusted his opinion of them. When Ruben Studdard won American Idol, he told me that Ruben was too physically inappropriate to win such a thing. Those were the exact words he used, "physically inappropriate". His putting people in categories like that went completely under the radar for people to see what he was about. But he was able to make you feel horrible about yourself and twist your words around and make you sound like the racist or the hater. He used my nail files to sharpen the tip of a pencil. It does not seem like a deplorable act right? But it made me feel like I was unworthy of having nail files. That added to other things he did to me, and I could never go to someone and call him the bad guy here, for no one would believe me.

Kindness and compassion towards them will not work. I need to understand what they are doing and what they are capable of, and the utter destruction they would have done in their lives, even if I just met them, they will have a big rap sheet. A huge death toll, blood on their hands. There is nothing I can do to change that. The way to heal our minds is to come out of the fog. There is a place for compassion in our lives, it is for the victims.

q1605 said...

That's my mom to a T. She never smoked drank or cussed and walked around like the queen of Sheba. But if you had her off to the side she would say some things that make me blush and I have worked construction all my life. She would see an oriental guy with a white women and start talking about them liking to give it women in the butt because their dicks were too small to hit both sides of the vagina at the same time. I would just sit there and listen while my mouth fell open until flies were buzzing in and out at will. I could go on but it's too close to lunch time.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

Yes that guy was just as much of a victim as the others, though he did say yes to committing evil with her. Surprised he got out. Did he get murder 2 or manslaughter?


People do die around narcissists. There's been 6-7 early deaths [3 before age 36 and all the rest at or before age 60] just from being in an immediate family proximity to my mother. So yeah I see those types as having people drop like flies around them. Yes some who look nice will make you feel like the worse person in the planet, they turn everything against you. People all go running to them though, I don't get why. It sounds like your ex had a creepy passive aggressive strain, those types can be some of the worse. Where you wonder if you are being told to F off or not rather then someone just doing it to your face and getting it over with.

Compassion is to be for the victims. Those who always have compassion for the narcissists and psychopaths we need to run from.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

I can just imagine what the community would have thought seeing your mother talk that way or what mine said behind closed doors. They'd rip people to shreds, behind the scenes who thought that they were great friends and liked them a lot.

q1605 said...

I think there were some people who saw through her act. She had my stepfathers friend at her house having sex in the middle of the day and someone called him at work and told him to go home and see what his wife was up to. He came home and saw it was his friend and didn't think they were screwing around behind his back (which is exactly what they were doing). Her answer to that was to rent an apartment and when the checks cleared the bank she told everyone she was paying my rent which she wasn't. I think she had a row with her neighbors about their dog chasing her cat up a tree. But she didn't just butt heads over it she told them if they didn't keep him on a leash she was going to shoot and kill him. I don't think that endeared her to her neighbors. When I was living there this guy ran the stop sign in front of her house and went down the street and hit a parked car. It was late at night and the cops came and all the neighbors came out to rubberneck and when I told them I was her son they rolled their eyes and I was no longer a credible witness. That led me to wonder how many times the cops had been called to her house etc. Pure speculation . But not completely unfounded..

Joan S said...

One more. My mother raised her younger brother from the age of 3. Their mother didn't want anything to do with him, he was the last child left. Mother was grown at the time, and married, so she took him in. He never went back to his mother. It was hard on mother but she did what was best, no one wanted this unwanted child, that their mother said was a total brat, and better left off to die somewhere. Mother even told him this, and he grew up believing he was just a pile of garbage left over. I even grew up believing he was nothing but trouble. He committed suicide as soon as he was able to tie a rope to a tree.

q1605 said...

You have to care enough to not deliberately screw people over and be loose enough to enjoy life and not obsess over assholes. Because some people don't want to be normal and if that's what they want I say we give it to them.

q1605 said...

Joan that's sad. There is something about a suicide that gets me. Even beyond my experience with my father. Being there gave me answers about his mood and how it all went down that most times I would rather not know, but at the same time makes me less curious. As horrific as it was it might have been easier than getting the call in the middle of the night like my sister did. She had no clue he had even spoken of it. But you wonder what desperation you have to consumed by to go through with it. So this guy was your uncle? Sad just truly sad. I posted way back about a woman I knew who's husband committed suicide and I ran into her at a friends house and she just looked shell shocked. And I almost went out and told her about my father so maybe she wouldn't feel so isolated. This was back before I talked about it beyond telling girls that were getting close to me romantically that I felt obligated to disclose my past to them. So I didn't tell her anything about me. That night she went to her in-laws and had dinner with them and walked down the street and shot herself in the head. I think that's why I started talking more about it. So maybe someone thinking of it might reconsider.

q1605 said...

Peep I just saw your question he got murder 1. People routinely go to prison for life without parole for that. At first they were asking for the death penalty for him and my mother. That was the only way they could hold them without setting a bond. Our lawyers eventually went to a higher court and filed and were granted a habeas petition. It was that good lawyer I posted that article on. They won't grant bail if they are asking the death penalty because there is no motivation to come back and appear if you think you will be executed. On her docket call it was listed as unspecified murder and robbery. It's back in the archives somewhere. I cut up a bunch of her newspaper articles and got creative and turned it into a collage of her press clipping and something from the sleeve of a White Zombie album. I got very creative with it. It was before I got sick and had too much time on my hands.

Joan S said...

Yeah, that was my uncle. And with your father too. I mean wow, When we know this stuff that we know, I suddenly realize why people are depressed or messed up emotionally. Could it be all of it, every single one got eaten alive by a malignant narcissist? To slowly perish, even schizophrenia, bipolar, these are all the victims of MN's? I feel like my innocence is gone. I have eaten from the tree of knowledge, and I wish I never did. I suddenly realize that the Jeffrey Dahmer's, the Ted Bundy's at least showed mercy to their victims. Killed them straight off. I know that's a loaded statement I just made. But when I think of it, its like wow, there are people out there who have figured out how to kill, and get away with it.

q1605 said...

That's what ate my father alive. Having a family member snuff it is something I wish on nobody. I still find it hard to call it by name especially to people in person. I It took me years to be able to talk about it to people at large. Even now I resort to the euphemism "snuff it" even writing about it. It's hard enough to have someone you love die but having all the other to sort through is impossible. I have imagined it up down and sideways and eventually you just to stop your mind by saying he did what he did and we have to live with it. After my first wife bashed me in the head with that Mason jar and I took some pain pills left over from a dentist she went around telling people I tried to commit suicide. That really pissed me off because I would never do that to anybody. Leave them with the Mind -F my father left me with. But that shows her emotional depth. If it got her out of jail she would have told them anything. That is such a personal attack on me considering how staunchly anti suicide that my father's death left me. It's unthinkable... I should have packed and left then but I didn't.

q1605 said...

Someone commented on my blog once that suicide "kills two" that's what it's for. I cam e back to add more to my comment but your comment made me think of that Neil Young song. The slowly perish thought you had. Neil Young's original guitarist for Crazy Horse was not holding it together and he had contractual commitments to go on a tour of large stadiums and the pressing nature of what was facing him made him have to fire his friend. He gave him enough money to get back to LA and that night the guy went out and bought enough heroin to kill him and did it in one shot and died. There is that song "Needle and the Damage Done." He calls every junkie a setting sun. Your comment brought that all to mind. And now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

q1605 said...

I think that's why I get so impatient with bloggers wasting my time. I have seen as much bullshit as I need for one life. If you want to crowd my space and my head with bullshit I don't need I am done with you and anyone like you Not you Joanie but I think you know who. I have had my time occupied by ex-wives and sociopath mothers until time is about all I have left. You can't have it. Unless you earn it. This is that song I was talking about.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fi2XCsPKlY8

q1605 said...

BTW that was my first Neil Young song I did on stage and in front of a crowd of people.

Joan S said...

I lost track of the family members who committed suicide or went to institutions. The death toll in my family is staggering. When I think about it, I was not close with any of them, it did not affect me at all. All I heard is, "So and so is depressed". Wow, I can only imagine what it is like for you with your father. That was close to home, and it was probably your mother's greatest dream to have done it that way. She doesn't seem to be the sharpest tool in the shed, afterall, she was caught at another crime. Your father was her success story. But she probably has a huge rap sheet anyway.

Cool you did a Neil Young song. I can't sing, can't dance, and I'm having a hard time finding reason to these days. But so cool you did it.

mulderfan said...

Back in the day, I loved when the NGC used to sing Crosby Stills Nash and Young's "Teach Your Children".
The Neil Young connection is the source of the NGC's mancrush on Q. Before he crossed to the dark side they would have been besties.

q1605 said...

I was on another site and this guy dumped his girlfriend because she got all jazzed because she drove her old boyfriend to suicide. I think it gave my mother a charge to have that much control over him. No body intersects with her and doesn't come out behind. She "dated" the police chief of a local suburb and he was chasing after her trying to catch her with another guy. This was while my real father was still alive which meant she had my father on the hook and the cop chasing her trying to find her with even another guy. He was drinking and got in a wreck and lost his job in law enforcement. I understand having sex with random women. I was in too many bands and played in too many places to talk people down for that. But if I was in love with a woman I didn't cheat. I don't understand having multiple relationships with women. My ex and all her friends was like my mom. One time we were at home and her phone rang and she picked it up and all I could hear was some distraught woman screeching on the other end. I asked my ex what was up and she said That was so and so and her boyfriend found out she was having an affair. So I said I thought she was married and my ex says she is this is what's his name her boyfriend. And I commented that I had never heard that name before and she said it's her boyfriend.......HUH? Turns out she was messing with two guys behind her real husbands back and some one found out about the other. My point being you needed a program to keep track of all the guys she was juggling. I just got this sinking feeling because I figured my ex was doing the same juggling act and my hunch turned out to be right

q1605 said...

Yes Mulderfan Only Love can break Your Heart

Alex said...

I want some otter taint, some otter taint, some otter, taint, taint, taint,
Taint pussy and it taint butt hole but she will be mine, she'll be mine, she'll be mine, mine, mine!

q1605 said...

Settle down Alex I 'll see what I can do but I'm just one ragged ass bully

Bess said...

:)

Bess said...

Y'are kinda poetic, Alex a la taint.

q1605 said...

I'm glad you like it. You have a genetically modified humor bone that most people aren't born with.

mulderfan said...

This innocent old broad only recently had the meaning of taint explained to her. How do people without kids learn anything?

q1605 said...

I have a degree in taintiology. And it was worth every penny........or loonie as it were.