Tuesday, June 28, 2016

I hope that you die





I hope that our few remaining friends
Give up on trying to save us
I hope we come out with a fail-safe plot
To piss off the dumb few that forgave us

I hope the fences we mended
Fall down beneath their own weight
And I hope we hang on past the last exit
I hope it's already too late

And I hope the junkyard a few blocks from here
Someday burns down
And I hope the rising black smoke carries me far away
And I never come back to this town again in my life

I hope I lie
And tell everyone you were a good wife
And I hope you die
I hope we both die

I hope I cut myself shaving tomorrow
I hope it bleeds all day long
Our friends say it's darkest before the sun rises
We're pretty sure they're all wrong

I hope it stays dark forever
I hope the worst isn't over
And I hope you blink before I do
And I hope I never get sober

And I hope when you think of me years down the line
You can't find one good thing to say
And I'd hope that if I found the strength to walk out
You'd stay the hell out of my way

I am drowning
There is no sign of land
You are coming down with me
Hand in unlovable hand

And I hope you die
I hope we both die


Monday, June 27, 2016

Why Bad Guys Think They Are Good.



      
 Or Plastic?

         Paper?


                               


One of my biggest pet peeves about many story villains is that they walk around twisting the ends of their mustaches and declaring that they are the bad guys. In reality, most people involved in evil behavior don’t see that behavior as evil. 
In a conflict, each side sees itself as good and justified and the enemy as evil. In fact, you can argue that the only real thing that differentiates a protagonist from an antagonist is that the author is taking the protagonist’s side and showing his or her justifications rather than the justifications of the antagonist.
In a conflict, the enemy is painted to seem horrible. WWII propaganda fascinates me because each side is vilifying the other. American propaganda shows a swastika-bearing boot crushing a church, or a swastika-bearing arm stabbing a dagger through the Bible. Meanwhile, the Nazis were painting Hitler as a Christ-like figure wearing a cross and bearing a sword to vanquish the evil dragons representing Germany’s enemies. 
“The face of evil is no one’s face,” writes Roy Baumeister in his book Evil: Inside Human Violence and Cruelty. “It is always a false image that is imposed or projected on the opponent.” And philosopher Hannah Arendt said, “The most horrifying things about the Nazis was not that they were so deviant but that they were terrifyingly normal.”
Pure evil, argues Baumeister, is just a myth.
Psychologist Albert Bandura would probably agree. He theorized that people who do evil have justified the morality of their actions to themselves in some way. By convincing themselves their behavior is moral, these people can separate and disengage themselves from immoral behavior and its consequences.
 Bandura said that there were four different approaches to “disengaging internal control".
1. Redefine the behavior
 Redefining the behavior is a manner of changing perspective so one’s behavior seems less reprehensible than heroic. Many hate groups use this approach; so did a great deal of WWII propaganda.  For example, while most people believe that hatred and killing are generally wrong, hating and destroying something you have defined as evil is a whole different ball game. (Bandura called this “moral justification.”) This calls to mind that old ethical dilemma—if you could travel back in time and kill Hitler as a baby (and theoretically save millions of lives in the process), would you do it?”
I Googled around to see what people online have said about it, and the majority seem to be for killing baby Hitler. What’s interesting about the dilemma that a lot of people don’t point out is that Hitler was not the only person responsible for WWII, the Holocaust, and related atrocities. It also assumes that Hitler was evil incarnate from the cradle, and that environment had little or no influence on what he became. But then, it’s much easier to redefine your behavior as moral and good when things are black and white.
2. Disregard or distort the consequences of behavior
Minimizing, distorting, or disregarding the pain one’s actions create for others certainly reduces feelings of guilt for harming others. When I was collecting propaganda to talk about stereotyping, prejudice, and hatred for my classes, I discovered Ferris State University’s Jim Crow Museum of Racist Memorabilia (the goal of which is to teach tolerance). I was astonished by the number of images of slaves looking—or even saying—they were happy to be in the positions they were in.
3. Dehumanize or blame the victims
In many cases, the propaganda identifies the happy-looking slaves mentioned with the nword. Epithets like this are used to dehumanize people who are being mistreated. As Roy Fox writes in his article Salespeak (printed in the book Common Culture: Reading and Writing about American Popular Culture, 5th ed), “Names [are] sacred: they communicate the essence of our identity, not just to others but to ourselves as well. To rob someone of her name was to appropriate her identity, to deny her existence.”
4. Displace or diffuse responsibility
Rather than taking personal blame for evil, many people blame a larger group or organization. Over and over in history, people who have committed atrocities blame the orders they were given, and because they believe that following orders was the greater good, they feel little or no guilt for their actions.
 During the Nuremburg trials, for example, individuals who personally ushered Jewish people into gas chambers and killed them passed off personal responsibility by arguing that they had not done evil … they had simply been following orders. William Calley, who was convicted for his role in the My Lai massacre in Vietnam, stated during his testimony that “I carried out the orders that I was given, and I do not feel wrong in doing so.” In a talk I saw Philip Zimbardo do on his book The Lucifer EffectUnderstanding How Good People Turn Evil, he said that the soldiers involved in the Abu Ghraib prisoner torture  were also following orders. “The only thing they were not told to do,” he said, “was take pictures.”
All of this is to say that reprehensible acts are often disguised by intentions people have convinced themselves are good. So when you create your story villains, don't show your villain twisting his mustache ... show him arguing that his evil behavior was all for the good. He might well be wrong, but he will certainly be acting like a real villain.
© 2012 Carolyn Kaufman, PsyD ♦ Psychology for Writers on Psychology Today 
Carolyn Kaufman, PsyD is the author of The Writer's Guide to Psychology: How to Write Accurately About Psychological Disorders, Clinical Treatment and Human Behavior.  More information is available on the book's website.

Saturday, June 25, 2016

Afterlife


I tend to discount the words of people that say they know exactly what happens to us after death. I don't practice any formal sort of religion but, in that sense, I'm very comfortable with a lot of Buddhist philosophy mostly because it doesn't dwell on questions about the personality of the creator as so many religions do. Original sin to me was Man's self awareness and as soon as he became aware of himself he did so relative to all other things and it wasn't good enough for man to just be one of those things-he had to be the most important thing and that's why the personality of God was invented. So when people ask me if I'm an atheist I say no, I just don't think we can understand the nature of what's at the bottom of all existence. It doesn't hurt us to think about it, but when you become absolutely sure that you know, you're about as far away as you can possibly get.
I think there is a sort of supreme force/entity, that it is correct to feel that that should be honored, but I am unable to define exactly how that recognition should be structured
No one knows what lies ahead for us. I just hope we all are pleasantly surprised. I hope it's like waking up in your bed in the morning and thinking, " I remember this". I had the strangest dream. But that's all over and I am back home.

Friday, June 17, 2016

TMI

People ask me why we didn't hold my mother more accountable in regards to her actions and crimes. It's because talking to her about that night sounded just like this.


Darvo


DARVO refers to a reaction that perpetrators of wrong doing, particularly sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable.


When my ex wife had us go to a marriage counselor, it was a classic Lance Armstrong/ Oprah Winfrey/Betsy Andreu move. Lance Armstrong vilified Betsy in the press because she called him out on his blood doping and his use of performance enhancing drugs. He called her briefly before he went on Oprah so he could tell the cameras he reached out to her and that he has made amends and to make it look like he was respecting her privacy and dignity by not talking about her on the air.  My ex dragging me to a marriage councilor was done solely to cover my ex wife's ass.  And to waste my time.  For her it was exhibit A in the "I did all I could do to save this marriage mom"dance. (Her mom not mine). And he didn't want to work it out. He even got up and left in the middle of a session with a councilor, sabotaging my efforts to save our marriage. She would NEVER say the truth which is  "I am a monster and had no intentions of ever acting like a wife". "We just went to counseling so I could tell everyone I did the best I could" and fob off my accountability on Doug. 
Personality disordered people never seek help to try and change things.  They only entertain outside options that validate their insane thinking and to garner sympathy as they continue to wreck their family. It's hard to contest vague generalities.
Its all moot. It's all done  My mother has wrecked who she wrecked and then she subbed her work out at her death to my ex who was more than willing to pay me back for infractions that any person would have committed had they been  in my shoes. I told my ex I had one foot out the door long before I walked. It's not my fault the straw that broke the camels back came at her sisters house.
 She's their problem now which is exactly what my mom told my current partner about me.  When I left my ex and drove off, I had just endured a drive back from Santa Barbara to Montecito with her punctuating each question I asked with a child like "you'll never know" "you'll never know" like we were third graders on the playground. So I left ......and what does she do to redeem herself? She buys a boat with community property and parks it at her boyfriends house to keep it off the court  inventory.  I wish I had killed them both while I had the chance. 
 I put this in a letter to my mother...........How many people do you know that had their youth consumed in a murder trial and then had to "witness" their fathers suicide and get dragged from pillar to post? None! Because normal people from normal families don't have to endure this shit. And it is because of YOU. Maybe it's YOU that takes us down all of the time. She didn't read it. She was too busy making out a new will and leaving everything to the best daughter money could buy. 
A great blogger once said Fuck'em. I tend to agree with her

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Bat Man

Thanks Judith. Just when I think I have seen it all...you remind me there are crazier bitches than even my mother.
Dolly Oesterreich and her “Bat Man” were the sex scandal of 1930. The details of their affair are still bizarre enough to raise jaded modern eyebrows.
Walburga “Dolly” Korschel was born in Germany, but her family emigrated from there to America. She was raised on a poor midwestern farm, but her fortune changed when she married the wealthy owner of an apron factory named Fred Oesterreich. At last Obscura’s Addison Nugent combed through the old L.A. Times reporting on her case, and it sounds like the bloom was off the rose quickly:The couple settled in Milwaukee but marital bliss was elusive—Fred drank too much and Dolly was sexually unsatisfied. “Her eyes and her appetites would bring a long line of men into her life—and send one to his death,” wrote the LA Times.
In 1913, Oesterreich sent a 17-year-old factory worker named Otto Sanhuber to his house to help Dolly with her broken sewing machine, at her request. Dolly intended for Sanhuber to help her fix a few other things around the house, and answered the door in nothing but a robe and stockings. Their affair continued in hotels and the house, but eventually neighbors began to get suspicious about the guy Dolly called her “vagabond half-brother.”
Dolly had a solution: Sanhuber would quit his job and move into the Oesterreichs’ attic. Fred never went up there and the lovers could continue their tryst safely out of sight from prying eyes. The only caveat was that young Sanhuber would have to abandon all human interaction save for the tantric time he spent each day with Mrs. Oesterreich. Sanhuber didn’t mind. He had no family to speak of and, as the LA Times reported in 1930, he said he grew to love Dolly “as a boy loves his mother.”
Aside from having sex with Dolly and moving quietly, Sanhuber passed the time writing. He was apparently obsessed with pulp fiction magazines and even had some of his work published under a pen name. Presumably, being locked in an attic as someone’s sex slave feeds the pulp writer’s imagination.
By 1918, five years later, Oesterreich was becoming suspicious. Not of Dolly, but of his own mind:
He heard inexplicable noises coming from the attic, his cigars kept going missing, and he could swear that strange shadows passed outside his bedroom door some nights. He decided to move to Los Angeles that year, not knowing that the phantom haunting his Milwaukee mansion would follow him out West.
Dolly agreed to the move on the condition that the new house have an attic. She sent Sanhuber ahead and by the time the Oesterreichs arrived, the now 22-year-old was already settled in his new home.
 Once in Milwaukee, the relationship between Dolly and her husband deteriorated further. On August 22, 1922, a fight between them became violent and, fearing for her life, Sanhuber came out of his hidey-hole, grabbed one of Oesterreich’s .25 caliber rifles, and shot three rounds into his chest.
The couple decided to make the murder look like a home invasion, removing Oesterreich’s diamond watch and locking Dolly in the closet, where she screamed until a neighbor called the police. She inherited all her husband’s money and bought a new house with an even bigger attic.
Dolly continued with her life as a Merry Widow, and though she still had Sanhuber creeping around upstairs she started to date around. One of her lovers was her lawyer, Herman Shapiro. Nugent writes that that’s when she started to fuck up:
Her first[mistake] was to give Herman the diamond watch that had supposedly been stolen during the “robbery.” Herman recognized the watch as Frank’s but Dolly explained sweetly that she had found it under a seat cushion and saw no need to tell the police. According to the LA Times, which reported on the murder in 1923, that evening Dolly asked a third lover, Roy Klumb, to dispose of the murder weapons in the La Brea tar pits.
In 1923 the police found out about Frank’s watch and Klumb, following a volatile breakup with Dolly, confessed to disposing of the guns. They arrested Dolly but still unable to explain how she had locked herself in the closet, were forced to drop the charges and release her from custody. During the hearings she made another damning mistake when she asked Shapiro to bring food to her attic-dwelling “vagabond half-brother.” Sanhuber was happy to see Herman. He hadn’t spoken to another man in over a decade and regaled the lawyer with tales of his sexual exploits. Shapiro kicked Sanhuber out of the attic that very day and the terrified young man fled to Canada.
 Incredibly, it was years later that Shapiro and Dolly broke it off. In 1930, he angrily went to the police to reveal the existence of Sanhuber, who had also just moved back to Los Angeles. The lovers were arrested and Sanhuber was found guilty of manslaughter. However, the statute of limitations for his offense was seven years. It had been eight years since Sanhuber popped out of his attic to shoot Oesterreich. The charged had to be dropped.
After being dubbed “The Bat Man of Los Angeles” (and not in a cool Batman comics way), Sanhuber disappeared. Dolly was acquitted and met another man whom she eventually married and lived with for 30 years. I assume he checked the attic regularly.


Friday, June 10, 2016

Dryer than the Texas Sand

I stumbled across a real or fake list of the top entries of condolences allegedly 
left in the register after the queen mother died in 2002 at the age of  102. 
The best I can do about them being authentic is a line in
asking if they are true or not and a comment later asking who cares? they are too funny to not post. Once again the British leave the yanks far behind in irreverent and cocky humor.  
U.K. keep up the good work and I tip my hat to you. 
 I thought you yanks might like it.
 "I think that the Queen Mum and Princess Diana are our very own Twin Trade
Towers.
At last we can look the people of New York in the face".
L.Ward, Mansfield.
----------------------------------------------------------
"When Diana died I swore I would never smile again, but eventually I did.
Now the Queen Mum has gone I cannot imagine that I will ever smile for the
rest of my life,
but I will probably break that one too".
A.Christie,Hendon.
----------------------------------------------------------
"She was one of the old school, all the remaining royals are sh*t"
J.Clement. Grantham.
----------------------------------------------------------
"I thought she would never die, she has let us all down very badly"
D.Holmes, Somerset.
----------------------------------------------------------
"She was a trooper and she never gave up.
I remember one time she was visiting a school and I asked her if she would
like to make a visit to
the cloakroom before she left. 'No' she replied, 'I didn't give in to the
Nazis and I won't give in to the bladder'.
That's how she was, a fighter, who refused to be beaten by anything.
She p*ssed herself later though,it was sickening".
B. Forrester, North Yorkshire.
----------------------------------------------------------
"She was a marvelous woman, and a wonderful lover".
L. J.Worthington, Penrith.
----------------------------------------------------------
"I am absolutely devastated, at least we could have got the day off".
S.Wilson, Bristol.
----------------------------------------------------------
"How refreshing to be able to mourn the death of a member of the Royal
family without being accused of being homosexual".
J. Fletcher, High Wycombe.
----------------------------------------------------------
"Her death should act as a warning to others who think it is cool to
experiment with drugs".
E. Franks, Cheshire.
----------------------------------------------------------
"On behalf on all blacks, I send the sincerest condolences".
T.Watson, Ilford.
----------------------------------------------------------
"Perhaps if we automated her old golf buggy it could still drive around the
mall on its own and bring pleasure to the tourists".
Y. Howell, Slough.
----------------------------------------------------------
"Once again the Queen is not upset enough for my liking, the woman should
have a bit more compassion.
How would she feel if it was her mother?"
W.Waugh, Richmond.
----------------------------------------------------------
"It is such a loss, God has sh*t on our heads".
K. O'Neil, Inverness.
----------------------------------------------------------
"I am sure the Queen Mum will not let this setback put an end to her public
duties".
N. Wallace, Swansea.
----------------------------------------------------------
"I hold Princess Margaret in no small way responsible for this terrible
event"
E. Thompson, West Lothian.
---------------------------------------------------------
"Bomb Iraq for us Tony, its the only thing that will make us feel better"
P.McGregor, Southampton.
---------------------------------------------------------
"We must do all we can, send blankets, food parcels, jumpers,
anything to help these brave souls who are queuing up to walk past her
coffin".
R. Thompson, Bath.
---------------------------------------------------------
"I have been unable to masturbate for five days, and will not do so again
until her majesty is buried"
E. Gorman, Derbyshire.
---------------------------------------------------------
"Good God who is next, Geri Halliwell?".
R. Combes, Romford.
---------------------------------------------------------
"No matter how she felt, no matter the situation, she always wore a smile.
Just like a retard"
G. Hollins, East Sussex.
----------------------------------------------------------
"I remember she came to visit us in the East End one time. She was so kind,
so generous and so sweet.
She whispered softly in my ear, 'you know its not true' she said, 'you don't
smell of sh*t'. She was a wondrous person".
E.Collier, London.
----------------------------------------------------------
"Whichever way you look at it, it just is not as exciting as Diana".
G.Williams, West Midlands.
---------------------------------------------------------
"She was one of us, and by that I don't mean she perpetrated insurance fraud
or lied about expense claims.
She was like us in a good way. God bless you ma'am".
L. Weller, Harlow.
----------------------------------------------------------
"If only I could get my hands on that fish bone right now, you heartless
b*stard!"
J. Hedges, Cowdenbeath.
----------------------------------------------------------
"She had such a difficult life, always battling against adversity and
misfortune.
Let us hope that if there is a next time round she is given a life of
privilege and comfort"
T.D.Wainwright, Hastings.

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Rationalizing Agency


I  ask myself  how my parents  thought any of their aberrant  behavior was OK, and I remembered how they  assigned agency to a third party, and did what ever they wanted. My father wasn't pulling a gutless move and stranding his kids with a lifetime set of luggage. He never got past "look at what your mother is making me do". To phrase it any other way would be for him to have to take stock of his actions and realize he was a shitty person  married to an even shittier bitch and that her whore-dom  was his problem and his alone and he shouldn't drag his kids into the middle. He thought; I am taking my own life because I am married to a cheap slut. She thought I am not a cheap slut because this is retribution for a 50's era rumor of him having an affair.   So my mothers affairs were payback for something he did in the fifties. His suicide was showing her who's boss. Once that pissing contest started nobody won, least of all us kids. 
  One time she was justifying some reprehensible selling out of someone that viewed her as a friend and it wasn't that she's a cheap slut  it was that the person wasn't "there for me when I needed them" so of course she was left with no option but to screw her friends husband and ruin their  marriage. I mean who wouldn't? 



It reminds me of a line from the Judge in Caddyshak where he tells Danny that he has sent kids younger than him to the gas chamber. He says, "I didn't want to do it, I felt like I owed it to them".  She never backed down and never backed off. She just found a line in the sand that the offender had already crossed and determined in her head that, that was justification for anything she could dream up. Even if she drew the line after the "offense" occurred it was of no consequence. And that's why I knew taking a walk and going NC was the end of us. She would never apologize, never back down, and never surrender. I would have had to spend the rest of my life being on some "witness protection"program waiting to look up and see her put one in the back of my head.
Literally. 
She had already reminded me that people were trying to break in her house and if they did, she had a gun. And  we both knew that person she was referring to was me trying to walk out the front door.. Her wayward son could quickly be written off as a burglar and dispatched  at will. So going no contact was a self preservation mechanism because no one stands up to her and lives to tell about it.       

Sunday, June 5, 2016

What Is Repressed Will Be Expressed.




The past is never dead. It’s not even past.

— William Faulkner, Requiem for a Nun






A well-documented feature of trauma, one familiar to many, is our inability to articulate what happens to us. We not only lose our words, but something happens with our memory as well. During a traumatic incident, our thought processes become scattered and disorganized in such a way that we no longer recognize the memories as belonging to the original event. Instead, fragments of memory, dispersed as images, body sensations, and words, are stored in our unconscious and can become activated later by anything even remotely reminiscent of the original experience. Once they are triggered, it is as if an invisible rewind button has been pressed, causing us to reenact aspects of the original trauma in our dayto-day lives. Unconsciously, we could find ourselves reacting to certain people, events, or situations in old, familiar ways that echo the past.
Sigmund Freud identified this pattern more than one hundred years ago. Traumatic reenactment, or “repetition compulsion,” as Freud coined it, is an attempt of the unconscious to replay what’s unresolved,so we can “get it right.” This unconscious drive to relive past events could be one of the mechanisms at work when families repeat unresolved traumas in future generations.
Freud’s contemporary Carl Jung also believed that what remains unconscious does not dissolve, but rather resurfaces in our lives as fate or fortune. “Whatever does not emerge as Consciousness,” he said, “returns as Destiny.” In other words, we’re likely to keep repeating our unconscious patterns until we bring them into the light of awareness. Both Jung and Freud noted that whatever is too difficult to process does not fade away on its own, but rather is stored in our unconscious.
Freud and Jung each observed how fragments of previously blocked, suppressed, or repressed life experience would show up in the words, gestures, and behaviors of their patients. For decades to follow, therapists would see clues such as slips of the tongue, accident patterns, or dream images as messengers shining a light into the unspeakable and unthinkable regions of their clients’ lives.
Recent advances in imaging technology have allowed researchers to unravel the brain and bodily functions that “misfire” or break down during overwhelming episodes. Bessel van der Kolk is a Dutch psychiatrist known for his research on post-traumatic stress. He explains that during a trauma, the speech center shuts down, as does the medial prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for experiencing the present moment. He describes the “speechless terror” of trauma as the experience of being at a “loss for words”, a common occurrence when brain pathways of remembering are hindered during periods of threat or danger. “When people relive their traumatic experiences,” he says, “the frontal lobes become impaired and, as result, they have trouble thinking and speaking. They are no longer capable of communicating to either themselves or to others precisely what’s going on.”
Still, all is not silent: words, images, and impulses that fragment following a traumatic event reemerge to form a secret language of our suffering we carry with us. Nothing is lost. The pieces have just been rerouted.
Emerging trends in psychotherapy are now beginning to point beyond the traumas of the individual to include traumatic events in the family and social history as a part of the whole picture. Tragedies varying in type and intensity—such as abandonment, suicide and war, or the early death of a child, parent, or sibling—can send shock waves of distress cascading from one generation to the next. Recent developments in the fields of cellular biology, neurobiology, epigenetics, and developmental psychology underscore the importance of exploring at least three generations of family history in order to understand the mechanism behind patterns of trauma and suffering that repeat.
The following story offers a vivid example. When I first met Jesse, he hadn’t had a full night’s sleep in more than a year. His insomnia was evident in the dark shadows around his eyes, but the blankness of his stare suggested a deeper story. Though only twenty, Jesse looked at least ten years older. He sank onto my sofa as if his legs could no longer bear his weight.
Jesse explained that he had been a star athlete and a straight-A student, but that his persistent insomnia had initiated a downward spiral of depression and despair. As a result, he dropped out of college and had to forfeit the baseball scholarship he’d worked so hard to win. He desperately sought help to get his life back on track. Over the past year, he’d been to three doctors, two psychologists, a sleep clinic, and a naturopathic physician. Not one of them, he related in a monotone, was able to offer any real insight or help. Jesse, gazing mostly at the floor as he shared his story, told me he was at the end of his rope.
When I asked whether he had any ideas about what might have triggered his insomnia, he shook his head. Sleep had always come easily for Jesse. Then, one night just after his nineteenth birthday, he woke suddenly at 3:30 a.m. He was freezing, shivering, unable to get warm no matter what he tried. Three hours and several blankets later, Jesse was still wide awake. Not only was he cold and tired, he was seized by a strange fear he had never experienced before, a fear that something awful could happen if he let himself fall back to sleep. If I go to sleep, I’ll never wake up. Every time he felt himself drifting off, the fear would jolt him back into wakefulness. The pattern repeated itself the next night, and the night after that. Soon insomnia became a nightly ordeal. Jesse knew his fear was irrational, yet he felt helpless to put an end to it.
I listened closely as Jesse spoke. What stood out for me was one unusual detail—he’d been extremely cold, “freezing” he said, just prior to the first episode. I began to explore this with Jesse, and asked him if anyone on either side of the family suffered a trauma that involved being “cold,” or being “asleep,” or being “nineteen.”

Jesse revealed that his mother had only recently told him about the tragic death of his father’s older brother—an uncle he never knew he had. Uncle Colin was only nineteen when he froze to death checking power lines in a storm just north of Yellowknife in the Northwest Territories of Canada. Tracks in the snow revealed that he had been struggling to hang on. Eventually, he was found facedown in a blizzard, having lost consciousness from hypothermia. His death was such a tragic loss that the family never spoke his name again. Now, three decades later, Jesse was unconsciously reliving aspects of Colin’s death—specifically, the terror of letting go into unconsciousness. For Colin, letting go meant death. For Jesse, falling asleep must have felt the same.
In an attempt to explain stories such as Jesse’s, scientists are now able to identify biological markers— evidence that traumas can and do pass down from one generation to the next. Rachel Yehuda, professor of psychiatry and neuroscience at Mount Sinai School of Medicine in New York, is one of the world’s leading experts in posttraumatic stress, a true pioneer in this field. In numerous studies, Yehuda has examined the neurobiology of PTSD in Holocaust survivors and their children. Her research on cortisol in particular (the stress hormone that helps our body return to normal after we experience a trauma) and its effects on brain function has revolutionized the understanding and treatment of PTSD worldwide. (People with PTSD relive feelings and sensations associated with a trauma despite the fact that the trauma occurred in the past. Symptoms include depression, anxiety, numbness, insomnia, nightmares, frightening thoughts, and being easily startled or “on edge.”)
Yehuda and her team found that children of Holocaust survivors who had PTSD were born with low cortisol levels similar to their parents, predisposing them to relive the PTSD symptoms of the previous generation. Her discovery of low cortisol levels in people who experience an acute traumatic event has been controversial, going against the long-held notion that stress is associated with high cortisol levels. Specifically, in cases of chronic PTSD, cortisol production can become suppressed, contributing to the low levels measured in both survivors and their children.
Yehuda discovered similar low cortisol levels in war veterans, as well as in pregnant mothers who developed PTSD after being exposed to the World Trade Center attacks, and in their children. Not only did she find that the survivors in her study produced less cortisol, a characteristic they can pass on to their children, she notes that several stress-related psychiatric disorders, including PTSD, chronic pain syndrome, and chronic fatigue syndrome, are associated with low blood levels of cortisol. Interestingly, 50 to 70 percent of PTSD patients also meet the diagnostic criteria for major depression or another mood or anxiety disorder.
Yehuda’s research demonstrates that you and I are three times more likely to experience symptoms of PTSD if one of our parents had PTSD, and as a result, we’re likely to suffer from depression or anxiety. She believes that this type of generational PTSD is inherited rather than occurring from our being exposed to our parents’ stories of their ordeals. Yehuda was one of the first researchers to show how descendants of trauma survivors carry the physical and emotional symptoms of traumas they do not directly experience.
That was the case with Gretchen. After years of taking antidepressants, attending talk and group therapy sessions, and trying various cognitive approaches for mitigating the effects of stress, her symptoms of depression and anxiety remained unchanged.
Gretchen told me she no longer wanted to live. For as long as she could remember, she had struggled with emotions so intense she could barely contain the surges in her body. Gretchen had been admitted several times to a psychiatric hospital where she was diagnosed as bipolar with a severe anxiety disorder. Medication brought her slight relief, but never touched the powerful suicidal urges that lived inside her. As a teenager, she would self-injure by burning herself with the lit end of a cigarette. Now, at thirty-nine, Gretchen had had enough. Her depression and anxiety, she said, had prevented her from ever marrying and having children. In a surprisingly matter-of-fact tone of voice, she told me that she was planning to commit suicide before her next birthday.
Listening to Gretchen, I had the strong sense that there must be significant trauma in her family history. In such cases, I find it’s essential to pay close attention to the words being spoken for clues to the traumatic event underlying a client’s symptoms.
When I asked her how she planned to kill herself, Gretchen said that she was going to vaporize herself. As incomprehensible as it might sound to most of us, her plan was literally to leap into a vat of molten steel at the mill where her brother worked. “My body will incinerate in seconds,” she said, staring directly into my eyes, “even before it reaches the bottom.”
I was struck by her lack of emotion as she spoke. Whatever feeling lay beneath appeared to have been vaulted deep inside. At the same time, the words vaporize and incinerate rattled inside me. Having worked with many children and grandchildren whose families were affected by the Holocaust, I’ve learned to let their words lead me. I wanted Gretchen to tell me more.
I asked if anyone in her family was Jewish or had been involved in the Holocaust. Gretchen started to say no, but then stopped herself and recalled a story about her grandmother. She had been born into a Jewish family in Poland, but converted to Catholicism when she came to the United States in 1946 and married Gretchen’s grandfather. Two years earlier, her grandmother’s entire family had perished in the ovens at Auschwitz. They had literally been gassed—engulfed in poisonous vapors—and incinerated. No one in Gretchen’s immediate family ever spoke to her grandmother about the war, or about the fate of her siblings or her parents. Instead, as is often the case with such extreme trauma, they avoided the subject entirely.
Gretchen knew the basic facts of her family history, but had never connected it to her own anxiety and depression. It was clear to me that the words she used and the feelings she described didn’t originate with her, but had in fact originated with her grandmother and the family members who lost their lives.
As I explained the connection, Gretchen listened intently. Her eyes widened and color rose in her cheeks. I could tell that what I said was resonating. For the first time, Gretchen had an explanation for her suffering that made sense to her.
To help her deepen her new understanding, I invited her to imagine standing in her grandmother’s shoes, represented by a pair of foam rubber footprints that I placed on the carpet in the center of my office. I asked her to imagine feeling what her grandmother might have felt after having lost all her loved ones. Taking it even a step further, I asked her if she could literally stand on the footprints as her grandmother, and feel her grandmother’s feelings in her own body. Gretchen reported sensations of overwhelming loss and grief, aloneness and isolation. She also experienced the profound sense of guilt that many survivors feel, the sense of remaining alive while loved ones have been killed.
In order to process trauma, it’s often helpful for clients to have a direct experience of the feelings and sensations that have been submerged in the body. When Gretchen was able to access these sensations, she realized that her wish to annihilate herself was deeply entwined with her lost family members. She also realized that she had taken on some element of her grandmother’s desire to die. As Gretchen absorbed this understanding, seeing the family story in a new light, her body began to soften, as if something inside her that had long been coiled up could now relax.
As with Jesse, Gretchen’s recognition that her trauma lay buried in her family’s unspoken history was merely the first step in her healing process. An intellectual understanding by itself is rarely enough for a lasting shift to occur. Often, the awareness needs to be accompanied by a deeply felt visceral experience. We’ll explore further the ways in which healing becomes fully integrated so that the wounds of previous generations can finally be released.

Saturday, June 4, 2016

How smear campaigns and isolation work in the age of the internet.



http://www.actforlibraries.org/how-the-nuclear-family-creates-social-isolation/




The internet is one of the driving forces that brings isolated nuclear families back in touch with their extended families. But paternal and maternal grandparents are often the biggest attraction to those nuclear families who host or who travel to visit as frequently as they can, especially when the grandchildren are young and when the grandparents are aging to the point where there is concern for their well being and care.
Internal to a location, nuclear families have created isolation that, at one end of the spectrum, has led to horrific results. With child and spousal abuse and murder, drug and alcohol abuse, deviant or cult like religious activities, the use of home schooling to isolate or even to hide children from the community and from authorities, there have been horrific cases where people ask “why didn’t we know about this…they lived right next door!”
In many isolated nuclear family situations, there might be a lot of positive interaction and a high reputation with the larger community, but a “secret society” behind closed doors, where abuse and deviant lifestyles will go on. Neighbors and extended family can be kept so far away from the realities that go on that they have no hope of intervening or helping.
In other words, where the isolated nuclear family isolates because one or both parents are psychopaths or sociopaths, there is more likely to be great tragedy and harm. Where the nuclear family isolates for other reasons, dysfunctional behavior and lifestyles can develop because there is no one who is close or trusted enough to observe intimately and to have a say in helping to stop the progress of trouble. 
In many cases, the isolated nuclear family will replace or supplement biological family with another group who serve as the elders, close friends, school friends and a lifelong relationship with a particular community. Then, as biological family visits and interacts, they can be introduced to and become part of the community, too.
This brings up isolation when biological family comes to visit. With some families, there is a “vacation” from interacting with the community of residence while family members visit. This creates compartmentalization as a management tool of social isolation, where one social group is dealt with in isolation and separately from other social groups. In that way, there is a cutoff from discovering more from relatives than people will reveal about themselves. 
People may be close friends in the community, but may never have very much interaction relatives come to visit, except for brief introductions. 


In summary, nuclear family isolation can develop for many reasons that range from deadly dysfunction to life’s necessities and dreams. There are different types and levels of isolation. And there is also compartmentalization, where some nuclear families have separate interactions with many different groups of people who may never meet or get to know each other very well.
As a result, traditional concepts and theories of nuclear family isolation are being challenged by the unique communication structures and multimedia capabilities of online relationships and communication. In other words, isolation is not as complete as it was when only written letters, which were slow to arrive, were the only way to communicate between great emotional and physical distances.
"The nuclear family leads to the idea that parents should have complete freedom to run their homes and to raise their children as they please. This has been the most destructive force in society ever. Without the authority and inputs of the larger clan, more dysfunctional situations occur, with less external help or intervention than ever before. It is common for neighbors, grandparents and others to simply knuckle under to the conceit that parents have absolute authority and to turn a blind eye to the obvious warning signs of serious substance and child abuse, or worse misconduct in the home"
My ex wife joined forces with my mother and smeared me like I was toilet paper. There were old friends that sided with her that knew better. They had known me for decades and as soon as my ex-wife got her hands in my mothers purse, she was a great humanitarian, and I was reduced to pond scum.
What comes around go's around. Bitches!

Thursday, June 2, 2016

Beth is a little anal retentive.

My sister  googled two words: crazy and maker and found this writing from John Bradshaw at the top of the page. It's nothing you haven't heard before, but he really rolls them into one clump.
Narcissist: The granddaddy of all crazy-makers. Narcissists cannot empathize with anyone, meaning they cannot relate to your feelings. They only feel their own wants and needs. They are emotionally stunted, like a perpetually demanding two-year-old. It is always about them. However, they can be extremely charming and charismatic, as they have learned how to be the greatest salespeople to get their needs met. They can charm and mimic compassion for brief moments in order to get their needs satisfied. They expect only the best and can be the most materialistic—demanding trophy-relationships, endless objects of success, only well-known acquaintances, top-notch services, lavish vacations, etc. They have disdain for emotions in others and often think even less of people close to them. They try to control everyone around them and will use every available tactic to gain control. Many high-ranking executives are narcissists and consequently tend to create a narcissistic culture in their company or division.

And my sister also sent me a link to this.