Friday, June 10, 2016

Dryer than the Texas Sand

I stumbled across a real or fake list of the top entries of condolences allegedly 
left in the register after the queen mother died in 2002 at the age of  102. 
The best I can do about them being authentic is a line in
asking if they are true or not and a comment later asking who cares? they are too funny to not post. Once again the British leave the yanks far behind in irreverent and cocky humor.  
U.K. keep up the good work and I tip my hat to you. 
 I thought you yanks might like it.
 "I think that the Queen Mum and Princess Diana are our very own Twin Trade
Towers.
At last we can look the people of New York in the face".
L.Ward, Mansfield.
----------------------------------------------------------
"When Diana died I swore I would never smile again, but eventually I did.
Now the Queen Mum has gone I cannot imagine that I will ever smile for the
rest of my life,
but I will probably break that one too".
A.Christie,Hendon.
----------------------------------------------------------
"She was one of the old school, all the remaining royals are sh*t"
J.Clement. Grantham.
----------------------------------------------------------
"I thought she would never die, she has let us all down very badly"
D.Holmes, Somerset.
----------------------------------------------------------
"She was a trooper and she never gave up.
I remember one time she was visiting a school and I asked her if she would
like to make a visit to
the cloakroom before she left. 'No' she replied, 'I didn't give in to the
Nazis and I won't give in to the bladder'.
That's how she was, a fighter, who refused to be beaten by anything.
She p*ssed herself later though,it was sickening".
B. Forrester, North Yorkshire.
----------------------------------------------------------
"She was a marvelous woman, and a wonderful lover".
L. J.Worthington, Penrith.
----------------------------------------------------------
"I am absolutely devastated, at least we could have got the day off".
S.Wilson, Bristol.
----------------------------------------------------------
"How refreshing to be able to mourn the death of a member of the Royal
family without being accused of being homosexual".
J. Fletcher, High Wycombe.
----------------------------------------------------------
"Her death should act as a warning to others who think it is cool to
experiment with drugs".
E. Franks, Cheshire.
----------------------------------------------------------
"On behalf on all blacks, I send the sincerest condolences".
T.Watson, Ilford.
----------------------------------------------------------
"Perhaps if we automated her old golf buggy it could still drive around the
mall on its own and bring pleasure to the tourists".
Y. Howell, Slough.
----------------------------------------------------------
"Once again the Queen is not upset enough for my liking, the woman should
have a bit more compassion.
How would she feel if it was her mother?"
W.Waugh, Richmond.
----------------------------------------------------------
"It is such a loss, God has sh*t on our heads".
K. O'Neil, Inverness.
----------------------------------------------------------
"I am sure the Queen Mum will not let this setback put an end to her public
duties".
N. Wallace, Swansea.
----------------------------------------------------------
"I hold Princess Margaret in no small way responsible for this terrible
event"
E. Thompson, West Lothian.
---------------------------------------------------------
"Bomb Iraq for us Tony, its the only thing that will make us feel better"
P.McGregor, Southampton.
---------------------------------------------------------
"We must do all we can, send blankets, food parcels, jumpers,
anything to help these brave souls who are queuing up to walk past her
coffin".
R. Thompson, Bath.
---------------------------------------------------------
"I have been unable to masturbate for five days, and will not do so again
until her majesty is buried"
E. Gorman, Derbyshire.
---------------------------------------------------------
"Good God who is next, Geri Halliwell?".
R. Combes, Romford.
---------------------------------------------------------
"No matter how she felt, no matter the situation, she always wore a smile.
Just like a retard"
G. Hollins, East Sussex.
----------------------------------------------------------
"I remember she came to visit us in the East End one time. She was so kind,
so generous and so sweet.
She whispered softly in my ear, 'you know its not true' she said, 'you don't
smell of sh*t'. She was a wondrous person".
E.Collier, London.
----------------------------------------------------------
"Whichever way you look at it, it just is not as exciting as Diana".
G.Williams, West Midlands.
---------------------------------------------------------
"She was one of us, and by that I don't mean she perpetrated insurance fraud
or lied about expense claims.
She was like us in a good way. God bless you ma'am".
L. Weller, Harlow.
----------------------------------------------------------
"If only I could get my hands on that fish bone right now, you heartless
b*stard!"
J. Hedges, Cowdenbeath.
----------------------------------------------------------
"She had such a difficult life, always battling against adversity and
misfortune.
Let us hope that if there is a next time round she is given a life of
privilege and comfort"
T.D.Wainwright, Hastings.

6 comments:

Joan S said...

Ok, that last one had me rolling. My son says that I prefer jokes about irony.

q1605 said...

I almost pulled the post but didn't. I do that a lot. I get chatty late at night and wake up the next morning fearing the back lash of something I posted the night before.

Tundra Woman said...

I love their humor as well especially-of the written variety,
But their lack of dentists kind of detracts from the oral recitation. No wonder they don't smile much-exhibit A: The Spice Girl who married the soccer or football player and is touted as a "designer." She may well be but she also looks as if she is horribly chronically constipated. Or maybe she's "dentally challenged." No wonder they cook their food beyond recognition-it fits in the blender more easily and can be "ingested" with a straw or an ng tube, no chewing required.

Gawd love those people, they're a nation of "Before" pictures in a dental hygiene text. I find that surprising considering their medical program but maybe it doesn't cover dental? In any event there appears to be a very pressing need for dentists, oral surgeons, tooth brushes etc. there.
TW

q1605 said...

My criteria is don't hang with people that have more tattoos than they have teeth.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

I always wondered about british teeth too, is it from all the sugar cubes in the tea they drink TW? Yes they could use some dentists and oral hygenists. Maybe this has changed for them in the past 20 years. I hope so.

With the royals, if you put them in the context of a narc/sociopath family it's interesting, Charles the scapegoat? Anne the golden child? Diana, doubly scapegoated but borderline to the hilt? They try to make TV shows trying to make those cold fish lovable and warm to the masses and impress upon us that their waltzing around awarding medals and holding teas is real "service and work" but it doesn't take much to see the true score. Obviously the Queen was the golden child to the Queen Mother.

q1605 said...

My picket fence smile went into a Cadillac for my mom and jet skis for my ex.