Saturday, June 4, 2016

How smear campaigns and isolation work in the age of the internet.

The internet is one of the driving forces that brings isolated nuclear families back in touch with their extended families. But paternal and maternal grandparents are often the biggest attraction to those nuclear families who host or who travel to visit as frequently as they can, especially when the grandchildren are young and when the grandparents are aging to the point where there is concern for their well being and care.
Internal to a location, nuclear families have created isolation that, at one end of the spectrum, has led to horrific results. With child and spousal abuse and murder, drug and alcohol abuse, deviant or cult like religious activities, the use of home schooling to isolate or even to hide children from the community and from authorities, there have been horrific cases where people ask “why didn’t we know about this…they lived right next door!”
In many isolated nuclear family situations, there might be a lot of positive interaction and a high reputation with the larger community, but a “secret society” behind closed doors, where abuse and deviant lifestyles will go on. Neighbors and extended family can be kept so far away from the realities that go on that they have no hope of intervening or helping.
In other words, where the isolated nuclear family isolates because one or both parents are psychopaths or sociopaths, there is more likely to be great tragedy and harm. Where the nuclear family isolates for other reasons, dysfunctional behavior and lifestyles can develop because there is no one who is close or trusted enough to observe intimately and to have a say in helping to stop the progress of trouble. 
In many cases, the isolated nuclear family will replace or supplement biological family with another group who serve as the elders, close friends, school friends and a lifelong relationship with a particular community. Then, as biological family visits and interacts, they can be introduced to and become part of the community, too.
This brings up isolation when biological family comes to visit. With some families, there is a “vacation” from interacting with the community of residence while family members visit. This creates compartmentalization as a management tool of social isolation, where one social group is dealt with in isolation and separately from other social groups. In that way, there is a cutoff from discovering more from relatives than people will reveal about themselves. 
People may be close friends in the community, but may never have very much interaction relatives come to visit, except for brief introductions. 

In summary, nuclear family isolation can develop for many reasons that range from deadly dysfunction to life’s necessities and dreams. There are different types and levels of isolation. And there is also compartmentalization, where some nuclear families have separate interactions with many different groups of people who may never meet or get to know each other very well.
As a result, traditional concepts and theories of nuclear family isolation are being challenged by the unique communication structures and multimedia capabilities of online relationships and communication. In other words, isolation is not as complete as it was when only written letters, which were slow to arrive, were the only way to communicate between great emotional and physical distances.
"The nuclear family leads to the idea that parents should have complete freedom to run their homes and to raise their children as they please. This has been the most destructive force in society ever. Without the authority and inputs of the larger clan, more dysfunctional situations occur, with less external help or intervention than ever before. It is common for neighbors, grandparents and others to simply knuckle under to the conceit that parents have absolute authority and to turn a blind eye to the obvious warning signs of serious substance and child abuse, or worse misconduct in the home"
My ex wife joined forces with my mother and smeared me like I was toilet paper. There were old friends that sided with her that knew better. They had known me for decades and as soon as my ex-wife got her hands in my mothers purse, she was a great humanitarian, and I was reduced to pond scum.
What comes around go's around. Bitches!


Judith said...

My mom didn't let us have many play dates or have people over to our (I almost wrote "her") house growing up. She always acted like outsiders were less than and not to be mingled with, and that we kids got "corrupted" or she'd say "ruined" when we spent time with outsiders. Now it's clear she was terrified.

q1605 said...

I have been talking to my sister and she related a story of us walking up in the yard and a phone comes flying and hit the screen door but not hard enough to make it through and tear the screen. She said I looked at her and she looked at me and we turned around and walked away. I guess we were self correcting as far as bringing outside influences in because even at my age then (four)and my sister was 11 and we had enough self awareness to be mortified by their behavior. I think her is the correct pronoun cause they own everything in their domain. Even us.

Joan S said...

One thing I don't understand is my brother who beat me up when he was older than a teenager, and his crazy malignant narcissist wife have 2 daughters, and they are now grandparents to at at least 4 grandkids, and are on facebook from what I understand. They appear to be the closest family, I mean wtf happened? I don't understand, did they grow consciences and become a fake movie? I mean, wtf? And my daughter gets mad at me for not being part of their nuclear family. I don't know how they manage to appear so good on facebook, the last time I spoke to my brother and was at their house, his wife was emotionally torturing one of the daughters for being a little tramp at 12 years old. I mean wtf? Now they look like a Norman Rockwell painting? I mean wtf?

q1605 said...

I love to play ball when the pitcher is lobbing grapefruit at me. It's called self report bias.

You don't expect them to tell people they spend their paychecks on vodka and lottery tickets and that their main source of exercise comes from kicking the dog down the stairs and coaxing him back up so they can kick him again. Which is probably as close to the truth as you will get without hiring a private eye to take pictures of them through their curtains.

Joan S said...

I know. What hurts is that my daughter believes that over me. I told her the truth, she has them on facebook, and complains that we were never normal. Me with my gutted out life, and my brother and family appearing so fine and dandy. But I'm the one who is insulting them. Its weird, there is no justice in this life, and reality is hard to come by. And come to think of it, my oldest daughter who is so open and honest with me, well it would never be the same way if she was born of my brother. Its just so unfair.

q1605 said...

I probably could have prosecuted my ex for slander for all the trash she talked about me after our divorce. But the people that would have been called to testify are the people who eventually flushed me down the toilet. And once again we have to remind ourselves that these people have no compunction about sitting there and looking people square in the eye and lying their asses off. We assume they are governed by the same mindset that drives us and they lie worse than Richard Nixon speaking about bombing Cambodia

q1605 said...

What I eventually did was turn away and walk away and grow a thicker skin.
This song comes to mind for some reason.

q1605 said...

And the price of telling the truth to my mother was disinheritance.

mulderfan said...

I don't believe this type of isolation is new.I have two "double" cousins who still speak of witnessing my father's physical abuse and narcissistic rages. In fact, they heard their own father express his fear of my NF's wrath.

This pattern was well-established as far back as the early 50s.

As recently as last fall, when in the company of outsiders my parents and the NGC continued to play the "happy families" game. Out of conditioning, embarrassment or just the need to avoid confrontation, I'll admit I played along.

In my younger days, there were no play dates, birthday parties, sleepovers, etc. at my house. One of the many reasons I was the "odd man out at school". On the few occasions when I was allowed to go to another kids house for a birthday party or play date, I just assumed they were playing "happy families" too!

Joan, my parents were doting grandparents and, as much as possible, I shielded my daughter from the truth. She was almost 30 by the time the old man unleashed one of his rages on her. Prior to that he had held himself together in her presence. More proof that he knew what he was doing was wrong. Hindsight s grand. I should have followed my older brother's lead and never let my parents have access to my kid!

q1605 said...

I agree M-fan my parents came of age in the 50's and they treated us like shit. My sister and I were e-mailing and talking about how their parents lived through a lot harder times but kept their humanity about them. We were asking WTF and how did they get such a sense of entitlement so she googled around found that site. I thought it was a good read so I posted it. It makes as much sense as anything else. It makes sense of that hiding in plain site aspect that I wondered about. I have told this story before about how years after we lived in this particular house that my sister took my grandmother to an old neighbors and the neighbor talked about how she wanted to call CPS about what all happened during the day when we were kids. My sister said my grandmother couldn't leave fast enough. Which shows we were failed by the neighbor not calling back when we were kids and failed again when my grandmother refused to acknowledge how crazy my mother was when we were adults. So she subsequently left the farm to our mother who did what she always does. Get something that belongs to somebody else and picks a fight and withholds it from the people who it rightly belongs to. I mean legally my mother owned that farm, but ethically she had no more right to possess it than a stranger hitchhiking through town. We did the chores and she sat there and put on make up and screwed other guys. Even as we worked our fingers to the bone to keep her out of prison.

Joan S said...

Thanks MF. Its not like I wish them to be abusive still, I really do wish the world had turned around and made them all better. But to feel like I'm the only one who witnessed the thing is very crazy making.

q1605 said...

It's so nice to have my sister around all the time growing up so as I would say I just saw Z,Y,and Z and while my mother and the rest of the family were whispering in one ear telling that I didn't see what I just saw, she was in the other ear saying I saw it too. Their denial ruined our life and without her they/she would have ruined my sanity too.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

Joan all my narcs look happy on Facebook. Sure you can see the dead eyes, but they are thin, wealthy, active, successful, the narc cousins always win at their sports teams, everyone gets promoted and no one loses. Augh my head hurts.

The narcs are the ones always believed. I lost a whole "family" over this stuff. I knew I didn't look like that on Facebook having all those "trappings". They have no problem lying and they KNOW how to look GOOD and pull it off so Facebook is perfect for them regarding that.

Some of my family even admitted I was abused you know at one point including Aunt Scapegoat, but those narcs look so good and shiny don't they? I never was defended and they all pick their side no matter what. Mine played the happy family game. I remember Aunt Denial saying in my mother's living room, "Oh we are such a close family" and I rolled my eyes in the back of my head and I could tell she was angry.

Its better your daughter saw your father for what he was, instead of being fooled completely Mulderfan.

I think they are all still abusive, you are seeing pictures of those they have chosen to be nice to, to manipulate, just like my mother with my sister's kids.

I am glad you had your sister Q all I got was two other narcs in training and the denial two-some.

q1605 said...

What I love it seeing the people who ran interference for my mother hoping for a hand out gushing over their love for their doting mothers. If I ever swallow poison I will go to FB and watch their profile pages and it will gag me and I'll puke the contents of my stomach free and clear and live on another day.

q1605 said...

Joan about them getting better. I don't think they think they should tamper with perfection.