Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Rationalizing Agency


I  ask myself  how my parents  thought any of their aberrant  behavior was OK, and I remembered how they  assigned agency to a third party, and did what ever they wanted. My father wasn't pulling a gutless move and stranding his kids with a lifetime set of luggage. He never got past "look at what your mother is making me do". To phrase it any other way would be for him to have to take stock of his actions and realize he was a shitty person  married to an even shittier bitch and that her whore-dom  was his problem and his alone and he shouldn't drag his kids into the middle. He thought; I am taking my own life because I am married to a cheap slut. She thought I am not a cheap slut because this is retribution for a 50's era rumor of him having an affair.   So my mothers affairs were payback for something he did in the fifties. His suicide was showing her who's boss. Once that pissing contest started nobody won, least of all us kids. 
  One time she was justifying some reprehensible selling out of someone that viewed her as a friend and it wasn't that she's a cheap slut  it was that the person wasn't "there for me when I needed them" so of course she was left with no option but to screw her friends husband and ruin their  marriage. I mean who wouldn't? 



It reminds me of a line from the Judge in Caddyshak where he tells Danny that he has sent kids younger than him to the gas chamber. He says, "I didn't want to do it, I felt like I owed it to them".  She never backed down and never backed off. She just found a line in the sand that the offender had already crossed and determined in her head that, that was justification for anything she could dream up. Even if she drew the line after the "offense" occurred it was of no consequence. And that's why I knew taking a walk and going NC was the end of us. She would never apologize, never back down, and never surrender. I would have had to spend the rest of my life being on some "witness protection"program waiting to look up and see her put one in the back of my head.
Literally. 
She had already reminded me that people were trying to break in her house and if they did, she had a gun. And  we both knew that person she was referring to was me trying to walk out the front door.. Her wayward son could quickly be written off as a burglar and dispatched  at will. So going no contact was a self preservation mechanism because no one stands up to her and lives to tell about it.       

26 comments:

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

They have no introspection and have killed the little voice inside that says "This is wrong" and "Im going to screw my kids over" like in the case of your father. There's no stop button or introspection button either.

When you wrote, "She would never apologize, never back down, and never surrender" I relate so much. I have that feeling of looking behind my back and sometimes wondering lately what's wrong with me but the same thoughts come about mine. Mine's so over the bend, she couldn't even fake an apology. Not that I would have taken it, but her "superior status" in her own mind would never allow it. The coldness and darkness of it all are to the extreme.

I agree you were wise to get out when she was blathering on about people breaking in, she could have claimed it was an "accident".

Nenad said...

"Going no contact was a self preservation mechanism"... I know. For me, the last straw was when my mother falsely accused me of having visited my uncle (her brother), who she had long been pressuring me not to have contact with. I knew that on the night in question I was nowhere near him, and yet she stood there insisting that I was. Eventually, she would likely have had me "confess" to a thing I didn't do - kinda like the Spanish Inquisition (or, I suppose, not few police investigations).

Never before and after in my life did I see so clearly what I had to do: LEAVE. I have long told myself that without No Contact, I would today be either dead, in prison, or in a psychiatric institution. The emotional pressure on me was such that in the end, I think I would have killed my mother, killed myself, or both.

Tundra Woman said...

You know there's a problem when you wonder how much life insurance your "parent" has taken out on the middle aged you-particularly post NC.
TW

Joan S said...

I don't know why they even have to justify their behaviour, my mother did the same. Or when she got caught gossiping, she would just deny it. With my father, he needed to protect himself from mother, she was driving him crazy. He didn't commit suicide, but he walked out for good. I would see him in alone times with him after that, lost in the bottle, it was his only survival mechanism. We kids didn't mean anything to them. My mother loved to feast her eyes on the supply she would have for life. Now, all without my father around, made it mcuh more easier. But I was the baby, "very spoiled". I am not to know such things. I am to believe mother was great, which kept me the target of more narcs through my life, for these were the people I was to impress.

I'm sure if my mother was presented with the choice to go to heaven or to hell, she would want hell. Heaven holds no appeal to her, or to any narc. Sorry if I'm getting preachy here, but its the truth, my mother would actually choose hell, it is more appealing. Or if God was going to send her back to earth, with one caveat, that she behaves herself this time, she would shrivel up, she would just not care. I don't know if supply feels so darn good to them. My mother quit cigarettes and booze, but she could not recognize the real serious addiction she had. Or she didn't want to. If regular people cared about narcs so much then they would present the logic to their face, mot kiss their butts.

q1605 said...

Peep they never killed the voice inside of me they just snuffed it out in everybody that could have stopped her. I just woke up from a dream in which I was a teen again and there were no specific events that I remember from the dream as much as this pervasive dread and a feeling I was in free fall and no one was going to be there to catch me. I don't know if it was reliving the past or it was the TV dinner I had last night. I just remember growing older IRL and each year expecting someone to step in and no one ever did. The people that could have stopped her didn't see the same sideshow I did. I was the only one after my sister moved out that got to see that. I just remember thinking this isn't going to turn out well, but feeling like there was nothing I could do beyond strapping myself in and waiting for the ride to start.

q1605 said...

Nenad I know. As I was approaching 20 my mother and stepfather came up and spent the week end with my uncle and he was not paying his ex-wife half his air-force retirement check like he agreed to and no sooner had they hit town the police came in full swat team regalia and arrested him for contempt of court. This was in the 70's and that swat team approach was rare back then. They took him off and she "had" to spend the week end with the police chief of a neighboring town that she had been having an affair with behind my fathers back and my step fathers back trying to bail him out. She blamed my sister for ratting them out and blamed about everyone in the family for it. When I went NC and I was well into my 50's I was sitting and thinking and it dawned on me that my mother probably was behind it and that police chief guy called in some favor and had him arrested with all that excessive force. That's who she spent the week end with and I am sure they just catted around and had "fun" with the guy. Here it was thirty years later and I was just now connecting the dots. I didn't think of until after I went NC but it was a real eye opener. It reinforced a decision that I almost came to regret. I forfeited the money from the family farm doing so but if I had stayed things were not going to turn out well.

q1605 said...

I don't know either Joan when they won't listen to anyone or anything anybody says. Yet they feel they have to put out some false front.

q1605 said...

TW That's a question for thought. Nothing surprise me any more about that bitch. Her and my ex were always hatching some plot or way to enrich themselves at someone else's expense.

mulderfan said...

They thought and, in my case, still think their aberrant behaviour is OK because as far as they are concerned it is not aberrant behaviour. With no conscience, decency or empathy, every thing they do is fine and dandy.
If they were marching out of step in a military parade, they'd swear everyone except them was out of step.

Nenad said...

Yeah, Q, they manufacture problems and then present themselves as the ones solving them. When I was 18 and got my driver's license, my mother and my brother shouted and scared me down over my alleged ineptness at it, so that from then on I didn't drive for years. Not driving, especially as a 20-something and in an area with little public transport, limited my activities, contributed to my isolation, etc. I lost a large chunk of the life I could have had because of that.

Later on they even seemed concerned over it, saying things like "You should be able to drive, you know..." Well, you don't say. Eventually, my brother, the same one who had intimidated me into not driving in the first place, taught me how to drive again. (Bet it was a great source of supply in both instances, feeling superior to me.) And to think for a time I was even grateful to him. It all just boggles the mind.

Nenad said...

Incidentally, I've seen the pissing contest artwork depicted here in person! It's in Prague, Czech Republic, and the shape the pissers are standing (and pissing) on is that of the country. See http://wtfarthistory.com/post/5075253321/piss-on-the-czech-republic Quoting: "[T]hey trace out famous Czech literary quotes with their pee. And get this, you can send a text to +420 724 370 770 and they'll stop in mid-stream to pee out your message."

q1605 said...

That's hilarious Nenad. And a little to elaborate to blame on a disgruntled employee.
Are those comments identical? Looks like it but I'll leave them both up, but say the word and I will delete whichever one you want taken down. Stop in midstream? You're killing me! There is a new show on "showtime" about the fictional road crew of a fictional rock band and to get a feel for the dynamics of Kow-towing to a famous rock band they interviewed the road manager of the Eagles and they said you have to have all the answers even if you don't and depending on the mood you have to coax the musician into doing what you want him to do and make him think it was his idea, because the second they think they are following your advice they'll dig in like a stubborn mule. Sounds just like a narcissist to me. It's really weird having to run that kind of game on a parent. Having to manipulate them faster than they manipulate you. My mother had taken her channel changer and got the TV up some blind ally and then kept punching buttons almost as fast as I could hit the manual buttons on the television. So I took the channel changer out of her hands like you would some child and backed it out of where she had found herself and backed it back to the channel she wanted to watch. But for about 5 minutes she punched buttons on her hand set faster than I could punch them on the TV. I should have punched her button and been done with it. If you catch my drift.

q1605 said...

Nenad I took the liberty of dropping the first comment. They look identical and I figure if you edited it the one you did later would be more correct. Sorry I think I spent more time talking about than it took to post my comment to your comment addressing your previous comment. This is making me dizzy so I will shut up.

q1605 said...

A-men M-fan they are perfect and one should never tamper with perfection.

q1605 said...

Yeah Joan I caught my mother not in a lie but she inadvertently confessed to a serious breach of how a mother in law should interact with her sons wife. I called her on it as soon as she did it and she told me she had no idea what I was talking about. We did that song and dance for close to an hour with out getting any closer to a resolution so I finally walked to my room in disgust. It was like mom you just copped to X and you just copped to Y so if you are guilty of X by deductive reasoning you are also guilty of Y ....I don't know what you are talking about! I think this was the first time I told her to shut the fuck up to her face. The satisfaction of catching her in a lie was worth thousands. Telling her to shut the fuck up and watching the look on her face......Priceless!

Nenad said...

Yes, my two comments about the artwork were identical: I wasn't sure if I had actually posted it the first time, so I did it again. Sorry about that.

q1605 said...

Done! and Done. Doner than done. Can you tell I am bored?

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

Oh holy crap TW I relate with that one!

Hey mine had many policies on my father--told by another relative not just one.

I suspect HIGHLY there is life insurance on me and she probably would leave the little fact about the real condition of my health out. I actually wanted to ask a lawyer if there is a way to stop someone benefiting off your death.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

That's sad Nenad how she tried to control your contact with others, but hey I know my narcs made their orders and people followed them. I am glad you did go NC and lived to tell the tale. VLC for 20 years was killing me even. I knew if I did not go NC three years ago I would know be dead.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...


Joan, my mother would just deny everything when caught, she did it with many lies and with the stolen credit card. So confrontation, tears, yelling it all came to naught and the enablers would go along with her. I am glad your father got away but probably not without a lot of damage leading to the drinking. I think mine would choose hell too, why would she want to be around a bunch of "weak" people with "feelings"? She'd consider them poor company. The most cold people were the ones respected by her.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

Glad she never killed your voice Q. Sorry you had a dream like that. Yeah I get the creepy ones 500, why won't anyone help? Ive had dreams where the whole family is trying to kill me, I am sure the psychiatrists would have a field day with that one. Even the Aunt that Loved Me showed up and in the dream she refused to talk to me. Well she abandoned me to them and never defended me in person to them. I just figured out the others never saw what I did. The veil was ripped off. She enjoyed showing the fangs and claws to me others never saw. I'm just connecting the dots now on things too Q making my way through thickets of lies.

q1605 said...

I was wondering this morning what exactly we did to piss them off. Were they planning to be president and first lady and we ruined it for them? Or did they see the face of the guy she was fucking when she got pregnant? It matters not. She's dead he's dead and push the time line a little farther and we'll all be dead and the world will be shed of all traces of us and the miserable life they subjected us to.

mulderfan said...

Catch 22! They had kids so they'd fit in/conform with the societal expectations of the day or, as my mother told me, repeatedly, they were too stupid to realize unprotected sex produces little humans!!!

From the moment we were born, most of us were just annoying but necessary props in public and doormats/scapegoats/punching bags in private.

q1605 said...

I don't want to insult anybodies intelligence by implying they don't know what catch-22 is I just don't want to try and quote it and ruin Hellers genius. Its about a guy that wanted out of piloting bombing raids over Germany in WWII

There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one's safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to he was sane and had to. Yossarian was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this clause of Catch-22 and let out a respectful whistle.
"That's some catch, that Catch-22," he observed.

"It's the best there is," Doc Daneeka agreed.”

q1605 said...

I may have to actually read that book someday.
“It was miraculous. It was almost no trick at all, he saw, to turn vice into virtue and slander into truth, impotence into abstinence, arrogance into humility, plunder into philanthropy, thievery into honor, blasphemy into wisdom, brutality into patriotism, and sadism into justice. Anybody could do it; it required no brains at all. It merely required no character.”
― Joseph Heller, Catch 22

Nenad said...

Thank you, Peep, I appreciate you being glad that I lived to tell the tale. I'm glad for you as well. That if not for No Contact we would now be dead must be pretty common among ACONs.