Friday, July 1, 2016

Qualities That Keep You in a Sick System by Issendia

http://www.issendai.com/psychology/sick-systems-qualities-that-keep-you-stuck.html

When I wrote Sick Systems: How to Keep Someone With You Forever, I was thinking of a few extreme situations I've found myself in or watched friends flounder through, so I considered sick systems rare and deeply pathological. What y'all are saying, both here and in conversations around the net, is that almost everyone has gotten stuck in a sick system at some point in their lives, and that they're an inground part of life in some slices of the world.
Something is wrong.
This is where I'm supposed to follow up with What to Do to Fix the World, but the answer is: nothing. You can't fix a sick system from within unless you have power, and you can't fix a sick system from outside, period. You can't compel people to leave. You can convince them to leave, but the moment that convinces them is individual, like enlightenment striking a monk because his master made a joke about a spade. And when a stuck person chooses to leave, it will be long, long, long after they should have gotten out.
So instead I offer you a list:

Qualities That Keep You in a Sick System

  • Loyalty
  • Patience
  • A strong work ethic
  • Optimism
  • Self-sacrifice
  • A need to be useful to others
  • Forgiveness
  • Farsightedness
  • Trust
  • Hope
  • You don't need to lose these qualities to get out. But if you're stuck and trying to figure out what's keeping you in, remember that people rarely get stuck because of their vices. They're usually caught by their virtues.

10 comments:

mulderfan said...

In other words, your virtues CAN and WILL be used against you by a narcissist!

q1605 said...

That's about the size of it.

q1605 said...

It kind of reminds me of the Stanford Prison Experiment. They divided a bunch of college students into two groups. One group were the guards and one was the inmates. One of the "guards" took his authority and immediately started to abuse and bully the "inmates" After it was done they interviewed the guy who had turned into a dick and he said he was running a little experiment of his own. Which pretty well negated any of the conclusions they wanted to test and find out. But he was asked to elaborate about his experiment inside the experiment. And the guy who was other wise known to be a stand up guy back at the dorms told them he just wanted to see how abusive he could be before anyone called him on it. He said I just kept upping the ante and wasn't going to back off until someone complained. One of the things I noticed with my ex and my mother was how it seemed to piss them off the more I kept trying to get along. It was like they were going to keep piling it on until I complained and put a stop to it. Knowing now how close they were unbeknownst to me or my current wife and my sister. I can imagine them speaking on the phone basically one telling the other what all they did to me and commenting something like you'll never guess what I picked a fight about today and he sat there and took it. What a schmuck.

mulderfan said...

My NF always used to push my buttons and was absolutely delighted every time I went back for more. I never ever talked back to him but would occasionally just quietly leave and have no contact; sometimes for a few days, then weeks, then months and finally for over three years. There was always some real or invented crisis that drew me back.
Last time, I finally grew a pair and gave him a taste of his own medicine before I turned to leave. He bawled like a baby, begged me not to leave and even said he couldn't live without me. Within days, he reverted back to his nasty old self.

They deliberately plant the decent human being seed in their kids then feed on the fruit for the rest of their twisted lives.

BTW I never talked back because I was scared shitless I turn out like him!

q1605 said...

Yeah it amazes even me how many times I got burned on the bait and switch bullshit. She had to have it down to a science because I am not known to suffer fools quietly, so I can't imagine how much time she spent sizing me up and figuring just how far she could push me without me pushing back. I hate her for reducing our relationship to some Mutt and Jeff con on Times Square. But if she wants to lament a sour relationship, she needs to look no further than her mirror. It just sounds exhausting to me. It's a good thing she never worked. She couldn't have maintained the level of energy she had to maintain to hustle us and draw a check from a job. Can you imagine what this world would be like if they harnessed all the wasted narc energy and put it to productive use? We would have men on Pluto by now. Listen to me talking like she is alive still while we know she is taking it from Satan right about now.

mulderfan said...

Narcs don't get exhausted because they thrive on drama. For them, it's a high that's cheaper than weed or booze.

q1605 said...

And really..... how much talent does it take to cheat a person who trusts you.

q1605 said...

I was thinking about how I could have seen my ex coming and got the hell out of her way. She would have passed any sort of back ground check you could have given her. Barring that I would have to give her an intense psychological exam like they do to join the police force or fly an airplane. But most people would be offended if you started questioning them on that level. Maybe some day we'll be able to scan peoples brains but that doesn't help you on your parents, just some ne'er do well sitting across the table.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

I have to work against my inner nature to say NC, and be what "feels" cold and mean to me. So yeah that good side of your nature can keep you in the sick game. I guess its like taking medicine. I sometimes wonder why I took so much crap now...I always wanted to give them a "CHANCE" most of the time, and had this fantasy about looking for someone "in there" that wasn't really there. I know that sounds weird. I wish they could screen for narcs I really do but they'd probably abuse it.

q1605 said...

They have trained you to always step and fetch. It's all you knew from a child until now. You just know that everything is your fault. But they lead you to believe that fixing it all falls on you. I used to read about some fungus that grows on ants or crabs or if you look hard enough you can find an example in any eco-system. A parasite
takes over and makes the victim do things that will ultimately get it killed but through the years has become an integral part of the life cycle of the parasite. There are parasites that make the host which is usually a big juicy grass hopper-esque insect do something stupid like climb high up on the top of plants where it will surely be eaten by a hungry bird instead of hiding behind a leave which is it's natural inclination but being eaten prematurely spreads the spores of the parasite far and wide.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGSUU3E9ZoM
This clip is perfect