Sunday, July 17, 2016

Wait!

I was thinking about my father and my grandmother who basically shifted my mothers accountability for her actions on to me and my sister because it was just easier, and I am sitting here going around in circles in my head for the jillionth time and I just stopped and said to myself how about having a set of normal parents and a normal fucking family? There was a lady down the street from the house we lived in when I was born that would take my sister in when they saw her wandering around and would give her milk and cookies, and if it was hot let her cool off and if it was cold let her sit by the heat. That is why I find god so hard to believe in. Why didn't he just put us there? If he is omnipotent he could just as easily put us there or somewhere else. But no! He stuck us with that defective piece of shit. If you believe in oriental religions we are somehow being tested and prepped for some other cosmic journey. And fuck that! is what I say. In the movie "Prince of Tides"  Nick Nolte is doing a voice over about how most people spend their whole life with nothing of consequence happening to them and how he always envied those people. 
I so get that. There are the people that will tell people like us to put a smile on your face and shine on your shoes and the world can be your oyster. All that bullshit of how anything can be overcome with a positive attitude and some stick to it-ness. So take your negativity somewhere else while I take my perfect baton from my perfect parents and pursue a sweat-free, perfect life. Living around my mother let me see a lot of peoples clocks get stopped way too soon. Stopped in people that would have given all they had for one second more of life. You shouldn't take things from people you can't replace. 
Set your dreams where nobody hides
Give your tears to the tide
No time
No time

There's no end, there is no goodbye
Disappear with night
No time
No time
No time
No time
No time

28 comments:

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

You know like you, I have asked questions about some of the bystanders, even the aunt who loved me. Why didn't they do more. I even went NC with my old godmother, the one by proxy, I asked her in an email, where were you and gave this cutting remark, I could not help myself. I don't believe in godmothers anymore but it seems one would actually have to be PRESENT in a kids life to make sure they weren't being abused. Even my grandmother stood by and allowed the abuse to happen and never stood up to my mother. I see her as an instigator of a lot of it an N herself. I have asked too Why did God allow me to have this life. Ive had the same questioning. I believe in Jesus Christ but one thing I do not believe in Chritianity as protrayed in the churches which tells me supposedly I am going to have some blessed life full of loved ones and family who all love me if I just have enough faith. That kind of disappeared like a fart in the wind with the endless years of chronic illness. The churches are lying to people IMO, they know positive thinking sells and having your Disney dreams come true on this earth. In some Christian circles online, where I post in various places, I was kind of a controversial figure and would offend people but I said "Where does the Bible say that life here is supposed to be easy, and where does it say life isn't full of the wicked?" Yes these things when I get honest trouble me too and I have asked God, too Why, Why Why? This world is a vale of tears, that's in the bible, I don't believe the preachers who tell me the world is my oyster. Seeing everyone die by their late 50s around my mother [well Aunt Scapegoat made it to 60] is scary. People are falling away like dominos. I'm too young to be like an old lady talking about how everyone was lost to death.

Karma or eastern religion stuff seems mean to me. You mean all this happened to me because I supposedly deserved it. Even Jesus gives the blind man a break saying nothing he did brought it on or his parents in that case. The karma people lack compassion, they think you are poor or suffering because you are working out your karma.

I think people need to get real. In America there is a lot of falseness. We could cope with these pains a lot easier, if we weren't expected to cover it up, and believe the lies about life and this world.

q1605 said...

It takes such a small bit to do the right thing. Even less to see the wrong thing being done and correct it. Its like that comment from an Ollie video I co-opted into a post..... we were just kids and the people that should have looked out for us used us as a shield from the suicide bombing blast of the Narc in charge. And make no mistake they are in charge and they know it. They will continue to be in charge as long as the enablers roll over and do nothing as they gut the children around them.

q1605 said...

Truth be known I was statistically supposed to be dead about a year ago. So I am keenly aware of our duration here and how little input we have on our own mortality.

q1605 said...

Yeah peep I am sure god will get me for this but I think Christianity is way over rated. Excluding the no atheist's in a foxhole chats I had with him when I was in the hospital.

Joan S said...

I don't get how defense came to my mother all the time. "It was very hard for her." Sure it was, and she had no intention of making it better, it was all about that supply, and nothing else. Mother got along with those who got along with her. Make her one of your enemies, she was not the oppressed woman everyone believed. But nothing was her fault, you know?

What I believe about Christianity is this. The priest had to risk his life going into the holy of holies to bring the sacrifice, and I don't think a lot of those guys got out of there alive. But Adam and Eve, before the fall, walked freely with God. Not even so much as a sacrifice to give. And didn't need it.

So I believe God's hands are not on things, like many Christians would have you believe, as evidenced in the old testament. He's not part of things. We are born, we live, we die, we have evidence of things by the creation we see everyday, we have a conscience, we feel what's right and wrong, goodness is written in our hearts, we get to decide what we follow. He does not want robots. I know this hell thing that feels like some sort of blackmail, but it is what it is.

The world if full of pain. Full of terrible people. What we did when we figured out the truth of our parentage, I don't think we did that one on our own. I prayed for years asking God what the heck was wrong with me. I seemed set out to die. I still wonder how I never died. Or went crazy. But I'm alive and my mind is in working order. Well sort of. Now it feels like I know too much.

Tundra Woman said...

I have the same questions and no answers. Sometimes I get angry with myself for even thinking about it for the millionth time and knowing it's a rhetorical question with the answer, "Because." That's my whole "answer." Yk, I don't think any answer would sit well with me anyway. Knowing "why" doesn't change "was" or "is." I don't need "insight" and there are no "do overs" of a stolen childhood etc.

The earth is something like 4.5 billion years old: So much for my life span. Scientists can reconstruct what happened .0001 sec. post Big Bang but still don't know about that .0000999999 etc. prior-why it occurred. Doesn't make any tangible difference in my life yet I find it somehow reassuring even the most sophisticated scientific inquiries don't know how the universe began beyond a very Big Bang.

I have a sometimes very fractious relationship with Acceptance. Obviously.
TW

q1605 said...

This is one of those posts I read the next day and either pull completely or edit them until they are unrecognizable but yesterday was my birthday and I think a little mindless self indulgence was in order, and frankly I am tired of feeling shame because my mother was a morally repugnant bitch. She is the person who robbed and killed a guy for money not me. She is the person that destroyed her family and then used our estate to replace family members that couldn't stand to be anywhere near her. The only people that would take offense here are the people that benefited from her death.

q1605 said...

TW the answer may be question may be rhetorical but the answer is fairly concrete. If they can't torture us directly they recruit their flying monkeys to do the job for them. We dwell on it because we know them for what they are and because of that we are surprised that people so readily buy their line of shit. People ask them why no one in their family wants anything to do with them any more and then believe them when they play dumb and claim to not know why their family have all moved away.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

So many came by my wayside who just said nothing. I realize even the ones who told me "Your mother is evil" behind the scenes also betrayed me as well because they never stood up for me EVER to her face. Why were people such cowards? I ask why am I the only one EVER in the entire life of that monster ever to say NO?

So yeah they used us as a shield. The blast we got was deflected away from them. That's all they cared about was CYA, covering their own butts. This was true even for the reason I went NC from the entire family. Watching all the butt kissing to my abusers by proxy was too much, I couldn't take it. The enablers strengthened them. They helped to give them their power. I realize Aunt Scapegoat betrayed me too. Hard to speak ill of the death, but it's true. She refused to be an ally with me.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

As far as Christianity being overrated most of the Christianity out there is false. There's a reason I'm not in a church listening to some guy rant about how we should go to war with Iran or being promised healings of all chronic conditions if I just pray hard enough or get released from curses like one spiritual abuser told me. You're were talking to God so that is a good thing. I had my no atheist in foxholes discussions during those youthful lung problems gasping for air. I agree with Joan, the phony baloneys will tell you that this world will be easy if you just believe enough and are "good enough" It's a crock. It denies the reality of this world and it's evil. All we have to do is look at what happened to Jesus.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

TW I think about it for the millionth time too, and ask Why Why I even have fantasies of going back in time and saying and demanding things using the information I have now. You are right there are no do-overs. I had to repeat to myself as I walked out the door, "there is no fixing this, you are done" I don't do well on acceptance either.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

Happy belated birthday Q. Don't pull these posts, they help me. I know the world condemns us for overthinking, but until they go through what we have, they can shut up. The ones that take offense, too bad, nothing we would do would please them anyway. I'm the one with the ex-narc friend trolling my blog slapping me around for "not being happy" enough. What a jerk.

And yes they recruit their flying monkeys to do the job for them for the torture. My torture never stopped until I made the decision 4 months ago to ditch the ENTIRE family and by that way that is everyone nieces to cousins to the rest. There will be no more birthday cards. They all followed orders like good little narc soldiers stomping on my humanity at her behest. What kind of niece won't befriend an aunt who has never had a harsh word to say to her ever on Facebook? As I wrote in the original NC letter slam enough doors in my face, I am going to walk away. It's true everyone buys their line of bullshit, and in my case, I actually directed tried to wake a few up but it was shouting into the wind. Everyone moved away from mine, there's a reason my family became the most geographically dispersed family on the planet. They will still kiss her butt but they made sure to live 3-500 miles away.

q1605 said...

I think we have been unfairly indoctrinated with the thought we can fix them even though they have been dead or gone for years we can't shake that thought of playing it all over again thinking this time I will make it work. What we need to realize is that ship has sailed. I had a councilor in jail ask me if I could go back and redo what I did that got me to where I was would I do anything different. I said but of course. And he said no you wouldn't because if you went back to that time and tried to do it over you would have the same information you had then and be the same person you were then and act out the way you acted then and end up where you ended. And you wouldn't change if you could because you can't so quit beating yourself up and just move forward with what you know now and not make the bad decisions that got you where you are. With is we are not looking at our parents as enemies who's philosophy is the enemy of my enemy is my friend. I could have predicted what my ex-wife ended up doing but to know my mother was sitting around with baited breath scheming to run me off so she could hook up with my ex and them team up in their destruction of me was something I couldn't see coming. Not many people could because they have normal families. Few people automatically look at a parent as the enemy because few people have a parent that treats their kids as enemies. So from now on it's on her not me. Most parents would have thanked god to have a decent caring son that could be trusted as much as I could. She's the one that turned it all into this complicated chess game of betrayal and duplicity. And that's something that no one can fix now least of all me.

q1605 said...

And peep thanks for the belated happy birthday wishes.

q1605 said...

And if anybody from my old life wanders through here. Know you sucked up to a cold blooded killer to line your pockets. Nothing you can say or do will ever change that. For now and forever when you look in the mirror know that the killer in her is the killer in you. I wouldn't want to be you if you have to account for your actions in the after life.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

Even for the ones who are alive, the ship has sailed, there's no changing them. Life is not like TV where there are tears and reconcilation, and people running into each other arm's apologizing. Its true too when they are dead. Your counselor had a good message to give you. Its true. I have wondered what could I do different too. With today's knowledge yes I could have changed it but there's time machines and fixing things going back in the past with todays brain. It's true you can attend to the present and future a bit, with the few things you have some control over but even then many things are out of our hands. There's no way we could predict the scheming and lies of wicked people. Just no way, there's lots of evil options and we aren't psychics so yes they broadside us but we can't blame themselves. Yes many condemn us for viewing a parent as an enemy but that is exactly what they were. I could have been a good daughter to someone. Maybe even more tragically I have a bio mother who missed out on me. There are many who would have been pleased to have you as a son too Q.

Agree about your message to the ones from your old life. I don't care if my blog is found by my betraying bystanders, they can get an eye-full. They have the attention span of gnats so blog reading is probably beyond them.

Bess said...

Happy belated, Q

q1605 said...

Thanks Bess hope things are going well for you up there.
I think peep if there was a special point I was belaboring it's that we still try to fix them after they are dead and with that thought right before our eyes. Think of the wasted time and commitment we devote to these bastards when they are still living. With me I kept running the loop in my head right after I went NC but her death has helped a lot but even though she is dead and buried I replay things in my head. Not thinking I can fix them but transposing how normal people would have acted in the same situation. Kind of like how it bugs us when we see a sociopath suddenly develop a conscience and take the high road in the movies and we are just sitting there thinking yeah Right like that would ever happen.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

I have seen people on ACON messages boards who say when the narcs are dead, it can still keeping on...the reworking it in your mind. There is something about human nature where we almost want to stop time and go back in it and fix things and it's impossible. I agree about the wasted time and commitment. I replay things in my head. Mine are still living but they act like puppets, there is never any change there and won't be. Yes the movies drive me mad. White Oleander should have been put in the fantasy section at the video store.

Anonymous said...

Happy belated birthday to you, Q, your post and these comments really help me too, I sure needed to hear all this now, thanks. --quartz

Tundra Woman said...

Happy Birthday Mr. Q!
TW

Joan S said...

Yes, happy birthday Q.

I wonder too now that mother died, and how it effects me still. Those "eyes" don't exist anymore, but they still haunt me all the day long. I have to work against the force of those eyes, that required supply all the time. I have to choose to live differently.

It always bugs me in movies how a sociopath will always gain a conscience, and am writing that here, so that maybe I can get the word out to the world that it never, never, never happens in real life. That sort of thinking keeps everyone in a state of thinking they can change them. And that leaves us out in the cold, and makes us the bad guys for we don't have a heart for the evil freaks. We know they will never change. If your mother lived to 500 years old, that would just be 500 years of destruction she would have caused. It would not have been more time for her to grow a conscience, although we feel it should. It oughta but it never happens.

q1605 said...

Thanks quartz et al. I always am glad when you stop by and comment. I think we spend our lives fighting dragons. And thus we are always geared up for one at every juncture. We just don't know how to exist with out always being prepared to do battle. And even though you remove the stimulus it was never healthy to let your guard down and so we are always waiting for the other shoe to drop as TW puts it. I have started checking out this guy called DJ AM from New York. He was universally liked and respected and got clean and sober after a long long battle with addictions and he went down in a plane crash and the PTSD was too much for him and he quit maintaining his sobriety and was dead with in a year of the crash. So sad. It's more of an obvious cause and effect than we have but just as deadly. You can't be steeped in the freeze fight or flight mentality and then just turn it off. In the movie "Full Metal Jacket" these soldiers in Vietnam are sort of giving this one guy a hard time about his short fuse and how easy it is to get him ready to go into battle.
His commanding officer makes a joke about him being a stand up guy but that he just needs someone to follow him around throwing hand grenades at him for the rest of his life and he'll do fine. I can't see that without think about Acon's.

q1605 said...

Yes Peep it so easy to look back and spot the obvious lack of character Narc's routinely show. It's much harder to see it coming. Most acon's I have dealt with are extremely caring and giving people and we project our good qualities on other people the way they project their lack of good qualities on to us. My mother was so sure I couldn't be trusted she did what armadillos do when they get ran over by a car if they sit still the car passes s and they remain safe. But they and her always had to do this knee jerk thing of jumping up into the air and getting squashed. My mother was so sure I couldn't be trusted that she let the most corrupt person I have met beside her have the metaphorical keys to the family car. And our farm money disappeared over the horizon in a flash of expensive vacations, and jet skis, and excessive plastic surgeries.

q1605 said...

Sorry about dragging armadillos into this but it seemed to fit the bill.

mulderfan said...

In retrospect, there were lots of witnesses to what went on in my family: relatives, neighbours, couples that came and went as friends with my parents (very few of these friendships stood the test of time). Lots of them would have me over for dinner, sleepovers, or in the case of my aunt and uncle extended visits. My parents even made fun of me for getting out of the house at every opportunity. In the summer, I'd disappear after breakfast and play outside with friends until dinner time. Then as I grew older and became more useful as my younger brother's "nanny" and the family housekeeper, that all ended.
Back in the day, no one ever interfered, not even my aunt and uncle who admitted to being afraid of my father.
If some higher power had a plan for us ACoNs, it's just another case of us trying to make sense out of insanity. Never gonna happen!

q1605 said...

Yeah Mulder People always think I am initiating some pissing contest when I talk about my mother. Like oh you think you are so cool having a homicidal maniac for a mother. Not really! I use that as a way to illustrate the hopelessness against us and the stacked deck. Oh this woman took her kids to a town 800 miles out of the way and had her boyfriend kill her husband's boss for what might have been a lot of money back then but now not so much. And then she go's back to where her husband is staying and act like nothing happened until the police drag her kicking and screaming off to jail. And even if she was acquitted it is pretty strong evidence of her poor decision making mechanism's and even then people stood back and said "here don't forget your kids" or as they should properly be called "hostages". So you guys go have a nice life and watch out that she doesn't drown you in the bath tub. And out of our whole family and the state of Texas not a single solitary soul stepped up and said "wait a second maybe no". But they all basically said "boobs like make for big bucks in a wet T-shit contest" "Please don't kill any one again". That was your free one". I heard a guy talking about the two faces of his mother. And he said the mother he got away from the house was the one he wanted full time. He said I get a lamb out of doors and the minute we get home she turns into a werewolf.

q1605 said...

For me a sleep over was like going to another planet. It's like almost midnight and no one had thrown a chair at anyone and no one is having sex so loud you can't stick your fingers in your ears going la la la la to drown it out. I want more of this.