Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Longest Days



Seems like once upon a time ago
I was where I was supposed to be
My vision was true and my heart was too
There was no end to what I could dream
I walked like a hero into the setting sun
Everyone called out my name
Death to me was just a mystery
I was too busy raising up Cain

But nothing lasts forever
Your best efforts don't always pay
Sometimes you get sick
And don't get better
That's when life is short
Even in its longest days

So you pretend not to notice
That everything has changed
The way that you look
And the friends you once had
So you keep on acting the same
But deep down in your soul
You know you, you got no flame
And who knows then which way to go
Life is short even in its longest days

All I got here
Is a rear view mirror
Reflections of where I've been
So you tell yourself I'll be back up on top some day
But you know there's nothing waiting up there for you anyway

Nothing lasts forever
And your best efforts don't always pay
Sometimes you get sick
And you don't get better
That's when life is short
Even in its longest days

Life is short
Even in its longest days

28 comments:

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

Interesting song. I know I get these weird ideas about life, like go take a trip, run away but would be crying for my bed with hours....I know time is short and well, I think I've wasted the last 9 years except time with husband. I even say lets move back even without the needed medical care. We have followed heads instead of heart but maybe that was a mistake. We both miss having people to talk too. Old age came up on me faster then I thought it would too.

q1605 said...

This is not germane to your comment but I thought I might tell you about it anyway. me and my sister have been batting around my mother's total lack of loyalty and I just asked her "You do know if it wasn't for me and you and our family she would have gone to prison for the rest of her life? This really tells their huge lack of loyalty. We fought tooth and nail to keep her out of jail and I made fun of the way she dances and for that she has to make me pay.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

No good deed goes unpunished that is the saying I think of there. What gets me about your father, here he has this cheating woman, and he has kids, and he's holding ALL THE CARDS and she can get put away for life and he doesn't have to worry about losing custody of the kids or her cheating self any longer and he sells out every dime to get her off. Talk about insane. He should have let her go to jail, for the sake of himself and you kids. What gets me her arrest cracks the veneer of sociopath false respectibility, and she still comes out on top to destroy.....

q1605 said...

I am positive he would have committed suicide if she had gone to prison. Me and my sister were the shields the adults used to buy them enough time to make it out the door in one piece. All of them not just my father. My grandmother didn't and was never going to stand up to her. Our dynamic is a perfect case study of how shameless sociopath can rule and lord over a family. My sister made the most noise and pointed her out for the insane person she was and she got kicked out of the house for her troubles.

Tundra Woman said...

I still don't think it had anything to do with you-or sis-at all. Why would sis be included in The B's retribution for your comment on her dancing skills? She already knew none of those men gave a damn about her "dance" routine.

She planned her personal Final Solution decades before. Wouldn't have mattered who you and sis were, what you did etc. It was about her-first, last, always. It's who she is. There are no contingencies, no second thoughts, nothing and no one had ever succeeded in directing her behavior in a more humane or decent manner. Resources in the hands of a CB are nothing more than bait, another Tool of Manipulation. Look at how she used those resources: Did she splurge on a new house? A new luxury vehicle? Exotic trips? Couture clothing? No. She did not give a shit about financial resources in any other way than how to use them to abuse others. Mine did the same: Her decades long campaign of retribution, use of proxy abusers etc. involved tons of money. And it continued to her death. Sure, I could say her jerking my Trust Fund was in my response to telling her I wasn't for sale to anyone at any price, but I know better. That Trust Fund had been used as a battering ram (one of many) for years. But she had other Tools as well and deployed them regularly and strategically right up to her physical death-as did the B.

The only difference was I had been NC for decades at the time of her physical death so being "disinherited" wasn't a surprise. I had decades to get comfortable with the knowledge there was no going back and I was fine with that decision. You were relatively brand spanking new to NC at the time of The B's physical death. You still had her and gma's voices and words playing clearly in your head.
The betrayal and final manner of abuse by The B would of course be beyond description. This was carefully crafted to cut you and sis to the bone. The use of TSW was icing on her rotting corpse<the operative word is "use." The B intended it to be exactly "all that." A final Fuck You to the kids whose lives she continually bartered and battered freely to save her own ass repeatedly.
TW

q1605 said...

Yes I have watched her all my life. She would glom on to something that wasn't hers and pick a fight and use that as an excuse to keep whatever it was she wanted to keep.
Once me and sis hit the ground we were doomed. We just had to sit back and watch hilarity ensue. Somewhere I thought she would do the math and realize she took way more than she gave but self awareness is non existent in Sociopaths. You would have thought my ex who knew as much of the story as anyone might cut us some slack but she just sent me letters calling me sick and twisted even as she went down and sucked up to my murdering mother.

Tundra Woman said...

Yep. She went down and sucked your mother.
Nothin new there.
TW

Anonymous said...

Great song! He must have know a narc or two in his life.
Sorry about your childhood. Your mother sounds horrendous.Makes mine look almost nice.

q1605 said...

Of course TW, my mocking her dance moves shot far past Elaine Bennett's style on Seinfeld I pasted a still of two dogs humping each other to illustrate her "mojo" affect.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

Wow you are probably right he would have done himself in if she went to prison. It sounds like he some kind of obsessive love going with her. Some kind of sick interplay there, where he never imagined himself getting another woman. This is where these sociopaths can have people get addicted to them. He was not in love, he was in THRALL. Agree you children were used. I see my own family throw people under the bus to keep the narcs happy as they "get away clean"

I wish your grandmother had stood up to her. My N grandmother never stood up to my mother. Some Ns out N each other, I guess. Crap no one has ever stood up to my mother but ME. I AM IT. Does that scare you all? You and your sister probably were IT too.

Its true TW they use the money to control and abuse, mine still buys things for her own pleasures but a lot is dedicated to buying and selling people. Trust Funds, Inheritances, money all used as an abuse tool. I think even if Q never told her off and never went NC, she still would have disinherited him. I was warned even as I sat there in contact, making her a glass flower painting, that she had already disinherited me, one relative did it direct, and another indirectly so whether I stayed or went, didn't matter to her plans of telling me what I meant to her which was NOTHING. The woman HATED me.

Dirt poor and destitute me walked from a possible 6 figures, but how much worth is a soul? Who wants to be kneeling before these monsters as they like Lucy and the football snatch things away? I suppose hanging around putting up with their crap for more decades of abuse would make the football snatching away far more painful.

I agree Q was new to NC at the time of her death no time, that makes sense what you wrote TW. By the way I was told my brother was disinherited too. I warned him on the way out the door but was not believed.

They enjoy hurting people and they plan it far in advanced.

q1605 said...

Anonymous. There is a little bit of my mother in every narc and when they decide they won't get caught, they will do the same things she did. Yeah TW my ex definitely sucked the shit out of her ass. I got that line from Citizen Ruth in which Laura Dern does a great knock off on what my mother must have been like in her younger years. I bet it was my ex that put "rest in peace" on her head stone. I am sure to take a shot at me for giving her such a hard time on her way out. Like poor poor Barbara may you get the peace your bastard son never gave you up her. Even death doesn't stop the smarm fest.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HnScDVJqMnE

mulderfan said...

TW is right as usual. We all wasted much of our lives trying to do or say the right thing, walking on eggshell's, making excuses for their behaviour, playing let's pretend we're one big happy family and on and on.
In the end, it had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with us. Whether we laid down on the tracks or not, the train wreck was bound to happen.
Your mother didn't deserve space in your head when she was alive and she sure as hell didn't earn the right to still be there. Kick her out and make every day count from now on.

q1605 said...

Peep, I don't he didn't want his kids. His kids restricted his 24/7 access to my mothers buh gina. He did everything possible to throw rose petals in her path and me and my sister was part of that package. We wouldn't lay before her on our own so he threw us down there.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

I get the feeling he didn't want you too. I don't understand a guy who acts like his kids aren't even there, but it seems many of these "owned" men for these narcs and sociopaths all act like that. I agree you were thrown down in her path.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

Yes we all have to realize it wasn't us. No matter what we did or didn't do the train was on the track to narc hell. I was just as screwed behind the scenes while taking her crap as I am now being away though in this case I'm GONE, and don't have to deal with it anymore. I know I go through the whole "What did I do wrong thing?" I even had a nightmare last night, where the whole family was jeering me, and I was trying to run away. The dreams are saying things to me, cementing my 4 month long NC with the entire family, none of these people ever cared. I think even if I kissed everyone's butt, and had money up the whazoo for presents, visits, presents for kids, etc, I still would have been kicked in the face. Same for you, no matter what you did or didn't do, she was going to get you. They operate out of this default hatred.

q1605 said...

Peep you should have seen how he looked at her the day she got acquitted. He looked like a puppy dog. He got some pictures from the Dallas Times Herald photographer that agreed that he wouldn't publish them if they would allow him to go back to our lawyers office to take them. He had the proofs sent later and he had written all over them How he would "Always love her" I was asking my sister and we can't count the number of guys mostly so called friends of my father he caught her in bed with. Neither of us gave two shits but they would have these horrible knock down drag out fights and pull us out of school to be enrolled ( Shoved out of a moving car by our mother) across town. Just leave us out of it. When we got back from Denver was the first time he started talking about suicide. He just told me and my sister not to worry if we heard him fumbling around on the porch later that night it would be him about to blow his brains out and not to worry. NOT WORRY!?!? we were coming unglued and our mom was in jail with no bond because they were asking the death penalty for her crime and he's dumping this shit in our laps and telling us NOT TO WORRY!?! So the woman who sponsored this terror in the hearts of her children takes the only thing left after all this shit and leaves it to my slutty ex wife. If I could go back I would have put both of them in the loony bin. And been shed of them.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

It's sick he looked like a puppy dog. You do know I went back looking at photos that one day and saw the puppy dog looks of my own father and talked about how in one picture he was literally bowing before her. It was sick, so I know of what you talk. Puke at him writing how he would always love her on those photos. He must have liked being made to suffer, like total masochism.

Dumping suicide plans on children is messed up!!! Of course he didn't wake up and ask what am I doing he went on to do the worse. I think your father was a narc too but more on the borderline wing, if you get my drift.

So there you are worrying about mother getting death penalty [well in her case she did the crime] and he dumps that on you.

They both needed to be in the loony bin.

q1605 said...

I didn't proof that very well but I think you can get my drift. Two crazies and two kids. It sounds like a Sitcom. Me and my sister would look at each other with this who did I burn to get put here look. Most of that comment came to the attention of one set of grandparents or the other. My mothers mother just hoped it would go away. And again I ask how could it go away when you gave the craziest one on hand everything so she would leave you alone. I keep thinking about my sister taking my grandmother by the house of an old neighbor who told my grandmother she wished she had called CPS and turned my mother in and my mother grabbed her purse and ran to the car to get away. Now dissect that further. My grandmother couldn't sit and listen to a story years later about what we faced daily as kids. So even though it doesn't do shit for us now I don't think they should get a pass. They might as well of shoved us in front of a bus as least it would have been the end of it.

q1605 said...

Yes peep he would get on this single minded quest to obliterate himself in front of her and the statement was more important than the consequences. If you are familiar with my story he had his rifle in his back seat and the night before he dropped me off at the farm I had unloaded it while riding in the back and he walked out side and dry fired the gun at his chest and started walking around muttering about how he swears he heard the shot and how he thought he could feel it. So he knew it was not going to be a pleasant experience. But he still went out the next night and did the same thing and I think he got more unpleasantness than he bargained for. But by the time that kind of reality bitch slaps you it's too late. We called the law and they loaded him up like a brisket and hauled him off and we never saw him alive again. I hope the sanity of all of us was worth it because we paid the price not him.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

Yes you had to ask yourself what did I do to end up with these two nuts. I think some do put their head in the sand and hope it will all go away. Yeah when the crazies get catered to every second and the attention is on them, there's no help for their victims. I wish that neighbor had called CPS, now they have mandated reporters but I bet there's still kids with too many betraying bystanders. Sure the bystanders leave the room. I got told, "why can't you let that stuff go and let the past be the past", well in my case there was emotional abuse up the minute I walked.

When you unloaded that one gun and he did it, and nothing happened, you gave him a second chance at life, he revoked, so in that way, you tried what you could, he was still going to what he did. Still astonishes me, because that gave him a second chance, and time to think and he still did it. It's not your fault, some people are hellbent on destruction, and don't care about the fall out for those around them.

q1605 said...

I was thinking about your comments and was doing what a lot of people do to excuse that behavior by telling myself that this was the days of when kids should be seen and not heard and how we were more like luggage than we were human beings. But this shit was inexcusable by anybodies standards. This wasn't kids being second class citizens this was abuse if not physically mentally for sure. I always talk about them not getting away with that now but they shouldn't have been allowed to get away with it back then. Our grandparents didn't receive treatment like that and their parents were staunch disciplinarians raised in the Victorian era. Some wrongs transcend time periods and customs of the ages. I read where W. C. Fields who had a persona of hating kids was distraught over a neighbors kid who snuck into a fountain on his property and drowned. He was so shaken by it that he had it filled in so no other child could get in and possibly drown again. Because as much as he put on a facade of not tolerating brats in front of the camera behind it he loved kids and went to great pains to do the right thing by them. And it's the adults responsibility to look after the children not the kids to correct the parent. As Pat Conroy started his book" The Prince of Tides" he writes; I don't know when my parents began their war against each other - but I do know the only prisoners they took were their children.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

Yeah hearing people say "those were the days" that....can really work on someone's mind. My brother told me our parents were normal and normal people beat their kids to keep them in line though he isn't like that with his own kids, as far as I know...he said stuff to me like "they just didn't know better back then". Give me a break, I was surrounded by kids who had far different childhoods and well our abuse went on into adulthood though they couldn't hit us as adults anymore.

I agree some wrongs transcend the times and whatever ages there are or even "cultures". Having a hateful sociopathic or narcissistic parent, transcends all those "it was the times" excuses. Glad to hear that about W.C. Fields, I figured it was part of the act, he did more then some of these parents do now to protect kids. I should check that book out.

q1605 said...

My stock come back to people who were abused so it should excuse you passing it on to your kids makes me want to smash a person in the face. People who were abused should know better than those that weren't. We of all people should know how wrong it is.

Joan S said...

I think that whenever I have to do something, my brain works where I have to think of all the possible worst case scenarios. It is hard to fight that. Mother walked in a rather overt fashion, and it was my job to feed that beast and keep it fed. Any retaliation from me, and everyone treated it like I was fighting with mother. No one thought of the dire outcome of mother's behaviour on me, how dearly it cost me in life, but it didn't matter. Just don't piss her off at all costs. I hate narcs and mostly I hate their appeasers.

q1605 said...

My mom played the victim card until I wanted to throw up. She could cry on a dime and the very few times she didn't get the reponse she wanted she went on the attack. It was probably as fun for me to watch as it was for her to unleash on an unsuspecting public. Just watch their jaws drop and see them wonder what happened to the southern belle was just sitting there from seconds ago.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

when my brother gave me that crap about not leaving it in the past, I said the LAST TIME I talked to them I was abused verbally and emotionally so can it with that "past crap". I don't have much patience for those sorts. The poor kids too....one reason child abuse is worsening in this society is all the cowards.

Same for me Joan, no one cared about my feelings, it was all about serving my mother and still is. I'm so glad not to be there anymore. No more pretending.

Thats interesting yours played the victim, I have always said there is the borderline wing of sociopathy where they cry and whore around more openly and the more cold clinical side. My mother never cried except in extreme circumstances when she once faked a cry. I remember being in shock she's crying, and then thinking it doesnt look real. The southern belle culture is awful for empowering narcs. I read Gone with the Wind for the first time and I hated Scarlett O'Hara, I kept thinking narc, narc, narc. Ok she was "strong" and could make the cash, I knew the author was writing it so I was supposed to like her, but I didn't. There's a reason Rhett dumps her.

q1605 said...

If you get a chance read Mask of Sanity. From Cleckley I will put a link for a free down load.
The way I look at it once they see her for what she/they are and they still drink the Kool aid. They are ruined. To willfully walk in and slam a cup of it knowing it's poisoned at least shows faulty self preservation skills and if they won't look out for themselves you can't count on them to look out for you.

q1605 said...

Go to this sight and about half way down on the left is a link to a PDF of mask of sanity. He really nails my mothers promiscuity.
http://www.cassiopaea.com/cassiopaea/psychopath.htm
Not to mention it's a good blog too!