Sunday, October 30, 2016

6 ways to know you were raised by a narcissist. From the huffing ton post

6 Signs You Were Raised By A Narcissist

 I think this article is informative enough to take the time to read, I just never saw any act of contrition or self awareness in the eyes of my mother. To her it was a my way or the highway proposition. The look in the eyes of her victims was as much of the payoff as the smug satisfaction she received. Her atrocities were never recognized as hers. It was always some one else's fault.  If there is a line between NPD and being a sociopath psycho my mother was the line of demarcation.      

Once you figure this out, a whole lot of other things will start to make sense.

To outsiders, your dad is a larger-than-life social magnet who attracts people from all walks of life. Or your mom is the perfect woman, always looking to please and juggling everything with ease.
But behind closed doors, all pretense falls away. Only you, their child, knows what it’s like to endure their cold shoulders for days on end over a minor infraction, or bear the brunt of constant, age-inappropriate demands for perfection and strength. You know what it’s like to be parented by a narcissist.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is one of 10 personality disorders described in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, an authoritative psychiatric guide. Narcissists tend to have an inflated sense of self-worth and base their identity on the praise and approval of others. Their intimate relationships are superficial and focused mostly on how other people reflect on them, with little to no empathy for the other person’s experience. They genuinely believe that they’re better than other people, but they are also prone to feeling intense shame over critiques they receive or mistakes they make.
Researchers estimate that less than one percent of the general population has evidence of “full-blown” NPD, but anywhere from two to 16 percent of people who seek therapy have the disorder. That’s usually because the loved ones in their lives have demanded they seek help or risk losing their relationship, career or other life privileges, explains therapist Wendy Behary, founder of The Cognitive Therapy Center of New Jersey and author of the book Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed.
But children of narcissists are rarely in a position to demand that their parents seek help. In fact, they may not even realize that their parents were narcissists until they seek professional help for their own struggles, said Behary, who specializes in treating people with NPD and their “survivors.” While narcissists come in all varieties and their symptoms vary across a spectrum, Behary notes that there are a few ways for adult children to tell they may have been raised by a narcissist. In the points below, both she and psychologist Craig Malkin, author of the book Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad — And Surprising Good — About Feeling Special, break down the signs of a narcissistic parent, and what adult children should do to break the cycle of destructive decisions

1. You’re a complete doormat.
A narcissistic parent will trample all over their family to address their own desires without giving much thought to what anyone else needs. Because of this, some adult children of narcissists will actually over correct and bend over backwards to make sure no one could ever possibly perceive them this way. Alternately, they may have grown up all their lives being told that their needs don’t matter. Either way, the result is the same: They let people walk all over them because they’re not in touch with what they need and they don’t know how to express it.
“They’re not able to say, ‘I matter,’ and ‘I have needs’ because that feels narcissistic,” explained Behary. “Someone who’s fighting hard not to be a narcissistic parent ends up being trampled on.”
“I’ve seen clients whose parents made them feel sick, crazy, or selfish for expressing the most basic of needs,” agreed Malkin. “One of my clients felt so worthless and frightened as an adult, he suffered from nightmares and cowered in the face of any authority figures because they reminded him of his abusive father.”
What you can do: Learn as much about narcissism as you can, in order to be able to identify the dysfunctional messages you grew up with and start working against them.
“If I meet someone who has grown up with a narcissistic parent, or if I’m clued in that that might be the case, it’s really important for me to make sure that they understand narcissism in all of its colors,” said Behary. “We figure out together what type of narcissism their parent had, but even more importantly, we have to look for the part of them that got lost along the way.”
2. You’re afraid you might be a narcissist yourself.
Not everyone over corrects in reaction to seeing narcissism. Some children see that the only way to avoid ridicule and abuse is to be like the narcissistic parent, and over the years, this survival tactic turns into the way they genuinely see the world. Adult children who adopted these coping mechanisms may find themselves putting others down out of a fear — rooted in childhood — that if they don’t show strength first, they could be crushed, just like when they were young, explained Malkin. “Extremely strong-willed children, more extraverted from birth, sometimes become narcissistic themselves in a game of ‘If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em,’” he said. 
I always saw my self and my family as a cut above others and the only thing I could base this on was my mothers noise. Which if you think about it it was words from a bona fide murderer living in a trailer park in the town she was born in. During the daytime she let her boyfriends inject drugs in her bathroom and letting them get her kids pets drunk and drowning them in the shower to "sober" them up. A real fucking class act that one. 
What you can do: Seek the help of a professional to help you break out of abusive behavior patterns, especially if you already have a partner and/or children.
“Children of narcissists who find themselves name-calling and hurling insults aren’t without hope, but they need to roll up their sleeves and work hard emotionally,” said Malkin. “They need to become comfortable feeling — and expressing — vulnerable feelings like sadness, loneliness, fear, and overwhelm with those they love.”
3. You feel relentlessly competitive with, or resentful of, your sibling.
Narcissists have trouble with personal boundaries and view other people as extensions of themselves. In families with several children, one may be chosen to reflect the narcissist’s best qualities. They get the most attention, praise and support, but are also under the most pressure to perform. Another child may be a target for the parent’s blame and shame, and scapegoated as a burden that can never do anything right compared to the chosen child. They may also be blamed as the reason that a narcissistic parent is forced to act in an abusive way. Both projections are two different sides of a narcissist’s personality, but the chosen child and the scapegoat will have two very different childhoods, and this pits them against each other, even into adulthood. If not for my sister and I's relationship the whole goddamn house would have been considered certifiably insane . But my mother  was so far over the top that me and my sister had to rely on each other lest we become like those two. Panting and humping dogs that got kicked on a regular basis. My mother made these kick ass home cooked meals unless my father was out of town and if he was gone we had to fend for our selves. 
What you can do: Reach out to your sibling with what you’ve learned. If you were the chosen child, you might resent your sibling for the fact that they were under a lot less pressure than you. But if you were the scapegoat, you might resent your sibling for soaking up all the praise and glory and leaving none for you. Understand that the narcissist pits people against each other on purpose, to serve their own needs, and that this dynamic wasn’t your fault.
“Extremely narcissistic people love to put people on pedestals — almost as much as they enjoy knocking them off them,” said Malkin. “Perfect people don’t disappoint, so if you idolize people ― even your kids ― you needn’t ever worry about being disappointed or hurt. Scapegoating accomplishes much the same thing. You never have to worry about expecting too much and being disappointed because none of us really expect anything from people we view as worthless.”
There is hope for siblings who were put in this position as children, said Behary ― even if the only thing that unites them in the end is the shared experience of having a narcissistic parent.
“They can end up feeling extremely bonded to one another,” said Behary. “Common hostages going through different phases of torture, based on how bad the narcissist might be in their life.”
4. At times, you’ve felt you were more your parent’s partner than their child.
Not all narcissists command the spotlight with their bold, brash personalities. Some narcissists demand the attention of the room by playing the victim or describing their problems as greater than anyone else’s problems. They may also try to control other people’s actions by threatening to harm themselves unless a certain outcome goes their way.
People with this kind of narcissistic parent may feel that they spend their entire childhood running to put one fire out after another, or trying to maintain the peace so that no one is hurt. Some of Behary’s clients tell her that they felt more like their mother’s husband than their mother’s son, and this burden meant that they were doing more of the emotional supporting than the parent was. Or they felt their life was all about keeping their father from getting angry at the family.
“It’s the sense of drama that the child feels they have to manage,” said Behary. “In order to do that, they really have to forfeit a lot of their own innate childhood needs.”
What you can do: Take time to acknowledge the young child that’s still inside you, and ask what his or her needs were and still are. Behary advocates using the power of imagination — aided, perhaps, by photos from childhood — to acknowledge the emotional needs that weren’t met and still aren’t being fulfilled by your parents.
“She’s still suffering in there and she needs someone to care about her,” said Behary. “She needs to be able to feel that she’s fine. She needs to know that she has rights too.”
5. You derive self-worth solely from your achievements.
Some children of narcissists figure out that the only way to get along in this world is to do as their parent does and derive their self-worth from production, performance and achievement. While they may not be beset by the perilously low self-esteem and overwhelming sense of shame of a true narcissist, some adult children may take on behaviors like workaholism because their performance is the only way they’ve ever been taught to define themselves.
“The child of the narcissist learns that the only thing that matters is what I can produce in the world, not just my own little being,” said Behary. “[This] is very similar to the way the narcissist can be in the world, except children of narcissists may not have same brash overcoating — they’re more detached, more self-contained.”
What you can do: Try to empathize with your parent, suggests Behary. You don’t have to feel sorry for them, but it can be helpful to emotionally inhabit the feelings and choices of another person, to understand their thoughts and decisions, even if you don’t agree with them. Because of Behary’s work with narcissists, she understand that they are often intensely suffering because the survival tactics they learned in childhood are backfiring on them in adulthood.
While some researchers think that there may be a biological basis that makes some people more vulnerable to narcissism than others, others agree that the personality disorder stems from a complex mix of factors that include exceptionally harsh criticism and/or praise in childhood, which causes the child to shield their low self-esteem with a strong, perfect persona. It also makes the child especially needy of praise, admiration and flattery in order to feel normal, while leaving them especially vulnerable to even the slightest criticism, notes the Mayo Clinic.
I disagree with having sympathy for the narcs. My mother got way too much joy from the undoing of others. She unraveled peoples lives with the glee that you only see in the eyes of Nazis  gassing train loads of Jews. 
“I care about the [narcissists] I work with because I know they’re suffering underneath,” said Behary. “People will say, ‘You’re such a softie on them,’ and I say I hold them responsible for their bad behaviors, but I don’t blame them for how they were formed.” Behary emphasizes that while narcissists may have turned out this way through no fault of their own, it is solely their responsibility — not their children’s — to do something about it.
 Sympathy assumes proximity and no one wanted to get and stay close enough to my mother to give her anything but a one sided exchange.  At least not my generation. The adults that were adults when she was a child didn't know the reality of her well enough to think of her as anything but a child. If she was a child she was the doll in the twilight zone that pushed Telly Savalas  down a flight of stairs.  My mother got way to much joy from the undoing of others. She unraveled peoples lives with glee that you only see in the eyes of Nazis's gassing train loads of Jews. For her that was the right side of her equation. Betrayal wasn't betrayal unless she could watch the pain in the eyes of others. 
6. You have no sense of yourself, your wants, your needs or your goals.
A telling trait of narcissism is grandiosity: thoughts or feelings that one is superior to others, even if one doesn’t have the achievements to justify it. Narcissistic parents may see themselves as elite, but because they never achieved a certain level of success, they may find meaning in living vicariously through their children, explained Behary.
“Many children of narcissists will say, ‘I’m not sure how I ended up in this career because I never really knew what I wanted,’” said Behary. Or, “I always felt like I was poised to be more of a reflection of my mother rather than be my own person.”
What you can do: Consider going low or no-contact with abusive or manipulative parents. Not all narcissistic parents are abusive, explains Malkin. But parents with extreme forms of narcissism can leave their adult children feeling like shells of themselves, and sometimes the safest thing for adult children to do is to limit their exposure to these toxic relationships, especially if the parents don’t think they have anything to apologize for.
Malkin says there are three signs an adult child should consider going low or no-contact with parents: Abuse, Denial and Psychopathy. No one should ever have to put up with emotional or physical abuse, and if parents can’t acknowledge the fact that there’s a problem in the first place, there’s little chance that anything will change. Psychopathy, which in this case will look like a pattern of easy lies and remorseless manipulation, indicates that the parents aren’t just bad at putting themselves in others’ shoes — they may actually lack the ability to empathize with others, and may even lack a conscience.
“Abusers are 100 percent responsible for their abuse, and only they can stop it,” Malkin concluded. “Until they do, interactions won’t be safe.” this last bit I see as valid and non negotiable  Go Now!  My No Contact cost me a lot of money and it was money well spent  I consider it a down payment on my life of sanity and separating the the wheat of my life from the chafe. 


Judith said...

I was lucky to go to a therapist, who after quite a bit of time suggested I rad Karyl McBride's book Will I Ever Be Good Enough. Opened my eyes for sure. Then I got online and found other ACoNs, which probably saved my bacon.

q1605 said...

I bought a book called 'I hate you please don't leave" trying to figure out my now ex-wife. The more I read the more I saw my mother there. I still didn't get it until I got away from my mother and kept searching out writing about dysfunction. My mother IS as text book NPD as I have ever seen.... Donald Trump a side. If we elect that douche canoe we deserve what ever we get. I think the worm is finally turning on personality disorders. I don't think I have seen the electorate speak of personality disorders and see the broad base of understanding like now. I went NC in 2009 and I would still have to explain myself to others. If Donald gets people to recognize the condition just by reciting it by name we will get there someday. And tolerating his dumbassery will not be in vain

q1605 said...

I keep trying to find some wiggle room for my mother and it's just not there. I read about Near Death experience's and on one of those sights where they said they saw people on the other side that regretted the way they treated people here but couldn't communicate to the still living about how sorry they are now for the way they treated them while they were here. It's not based on any known science. Just self report from the ones who say they got a glimpse of what they saw over there. But in the end it doesn't do the people left behind any help to mop after them. We still have to clean up their mess like we had to do our whole life. And the last earthly measure of them was that they wanted to wound their relatives no matter what. So that's how they will be remembered. One of the most common phrases I heard during my legal woes was that I should have thought about my actions before I broke the law. Well they should have done the same thing knowing that one day they would die. The main difference was that I had to pay for my actions up here and I have to pay for their actions down here no matter what they were thinking before they croaked. So for me it's another thing I can sign off on and not worry about what they were thinking when they died. All things considered they died like they lived. Miserable shells of what used to be a human.

Tundra Woman said...

Rant Ahead. You have been warned.

All right, I am so sick to death of hearing/reading about the poor, fragile, horribly abused Cluster B Cluster Fuck of a parent I no longer believe a single one of you so-called (self-promoting) "professionals" and/or "life coaches." SHOW ME THE RESEARCH.

They pontificate endlessly about how "abused" and "dysfunctional" the CBparental unit's background was without citing a single reference that isn't another self-promoting colleague in a professional Folie a "scratch my back, I'll send you some scratch." Every goddamn bit of horse shit that falls out of the perp's mouth is considered absolutely unquestionably true: "I didn't rob that bank." "But you are clearly seen at the scene, arriving, during and leaving the scene-and there's your DNA and fingerprints." "Wasn't me." "Oh. Well, sorry to bother you. Bye" These "professionals aren't exactly motivated/have an ounce of curiosity beyond their insurance reimbursement to seek other sources of information-like the family members, the neighbors, the local law enforcement agencies etc. If their patient told them they didn't do it despite sitting across from them in shackles post conviction, well then, that's all they need to know. The bodies that were unearthed in their backyard were the remains of an old Indian burial ground, not their kids.

Besides, they had a HORRIBLE CHLDHOOD!!!!! That's why. Do the "professionals" attempt to undertake any kind of forensic review? Nope. Their patient told them their parents were abusive and neglectful and that's all they need to know.

Now if all us adult children who had the misfortune of being the strategically planned pregnancy of a CB "mother" and very likely, an equally screwed up father would just learn to be more "empathetic" and "compassionate" we too could spend 50 min. once a week (without even getting paid) "learning how to get along" wth the human equivalent of an IED that explodes predictably unpredictably.

It's always everyone else's fault-translation, it's our's, your's, them's and the phase of the moon but they were born under a bad sign. That's all the "pro" needs to know because their patient told them so.

I'm not done yet, just outta space. Part II coming up-

Tundra Woman said...

Part II Rant cont'd.

I have spent over 45 yrs. working predominately with a population whose job description is "I kill people for a living." And they have spent the last 45+ yrs. trying to come to terms with that reality. People who actually DO have a conscience can be trained to kill under specific socially sanctioned circumstances. Remove those circumstances and guess what? Even if their very lives were at stake, it still hurts to hurt another human being *who you don't even know.* You don't have to kill them, just scare them. Terrorize them. Not every day, just PRN.

Now, imagine doing that same thing-terrorizing-your own child(den.) Little ones who you not only know but gave birth to. Not every day. Some days, you give them candy or chocolate. And other days they leave for school in the morning with one kind of mommy and come home to another mommy who is furious-with what, who knows-and is either locked and loaded in screaming Silent Treatment or drunk or destroying the house (and your ass is next) or all of the previous and more. And that goes on for DECADES, from your earliest memories.

Fuck you, self-proclaimed "professionals." Fuck every last one of you lazy, pontificating, self-satisfied, pretentious, smug, arrogant, diploma milled and lobotomy drilled assholes. Tell ya what: YOU put yourself in the shoes of a child. Remember being a child? How that experience was? Well, we don't-at least not in the way you do. We went straight from early/middle childhood to middle aged. So how 'bout those children? How is it that they have gone on to have productive adult lives with loving relationships? How come we have to "understand" the very people who made our lives living hell of our lives? How come no other population is "encouraged" to "understand" individuals who, had someone done their damn job would be in prison for the rest of their lives? And/or are so morally/ethically bankrupt their 5 yr. old had a more fully developed conscience (and maturity) than the parent(s) did? And are further told they "should" have a relationship with their tormentors because "faaammiillyy" or some other equally transparent construct? FFS! Do we tell POWs to "understand" their torturers? Tell them they "should" have a relationship with them because "shared relationship?" How come divorce or some form of legal redress is not an option for us?

Take your THEORIES and BS you call "RESEARCH" (for all the paucity of it) and shove it up your collective asses. You're nothing but the current equivalent of the village voodo doctors. In the not very distant future you will be referred to as such-with the word "primitive" as a preface. You are so clueless you don't even recognize the extent of your ignorance-and that's why and how you can continue to live with yourselves while herding an entire population towards their own metaphorical gas chambers under the guise of "professional" and "empathy." Either that, or you are just as conscienceless as the CBs. The more I read, see and experience, the more I'm believing it's the latter. Shame on you.

And BTW, fuck you and your bogus "credentials." You aren't fit to work with animals never mind human beings.

Tundra Woman said...

And one more thing:

In the last decade or so, I'm getting that Native American vibe a la Christopher Columbus "who discovered the New World."
All of a sudden, the "New World" is Cluster B Personality Disorders. And like those earlier ancestors, I think, "Wait! this might be new to YOU but we've been here forever, bucko. We know this land intimately. We know the climate, the flora, the fauna, where the best water etc. can be found. We have a history and culture that predates your's by millennia."

And damnit, all's we ACs are getting out of this are some cheap Wally World trinkets and these damn pox-encrusted blanket excuse-for-abuse "professional" proxy abusing assholes thrust upon us.

IMO, we need to push back HARD on this shit. Fuckers are doin us a number-again.

mulderfan said...

Worst thing I ever did was share my knowledge with my sibling. That's how I found out he was the biggest narc of the whole lot.
My advice would be: Keep it to yourself and look out for #1. NEVER EVER let them near your kids!

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

I'm with you TW

This paragraph made me gag and puke

" Try to empathize with your parent, suggests Behary. You don’t have to feel sorry for them, but it can be helpful to emotionally inhabit the feelings and choices of another person, to understand their thoughts and decisions, even if you don’t agree with them. Because of Behary’s work with narcissists, she understand that they are often intensely suffering because the survival tactics they learned in childhood are backfiring on them in adulthood."

Suffering, give me a break!

They enjoyed every minute of the abuse.

Trying to empathize with a narc is a surest way to get squashed.

Notice she works with narcissists and not their victims. Whose she identifying with?

Most of the damn narcs were butt kissed GCs. My father had a birthday party so big at the age of 7 it made the damn newspaper, my mother was a spoiled GC all the way too.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

Yeah share knowledge with a sibling, what a joke is too. A few fortunate people get one that isn't brainwashed like Q but usually all that ensures is victimization at the hands of a co-narc.

q1605 said...

They really do the DARVO thing well don't they? I guess I am sensitive to being re-victimized because I know what my ex said about me during our divorce so I can't IMAGINE what she says to rationalize her and my mother ganging up on me later. But since I hoed this row once during the divorce I would say the skies the limit. It's some version of sleaze balls like him(me) deserve to be stolen from. If my ex can step in and call me sick and twisted for snapping after decades of abuse from my mother I see someone with even less boundaries than my mother. I really don't recall my ex being around during my youth but she seems to have no problem telling me what it was like when I don't recall her even being in the same county when me and sis were living......where do I start? Being witnesses to a first degree murder and listening to her plan on how to get the body of their victim as far away as they could get it and not get caught. She didn't have to listen to gunshots and men screaming their was off the mortal coil. And watching my mother screwing every guy that showed up at our door. Is that enough for who ever is reading this? Or would you like me to go on. There is plenty more in the "Tales of the Barbarian" She knew as much of the truth as me or my sister does. And she still showed up front and center to claim the family farm as her own. And (I) am the twisted fuck? Ask her and she'll tell you it was me and my sis's fault. My mother wrote us out for being uppity. Uppity? That's what the lily white of the south used to call people of color down here just before they turned a fire hose on them and beat them with a black jack. That money is soaked in blood but she shoved it in her wallet as fast as my mother shoved that guy in the trunk of his car and parked him on the side of the road. If I tried to borrow a nickle from my ex's family you would hear her screaming from the vacuum of space. Maybe I should dress up in a blonde wig and go go boots(Like my mother) to hand out candy tonight!(it's Halloween) But I don't want to give the kids nightmares.

mulderfan said...

Agreed, Peep! They see our ability to empathize as a weakness then use it against us!

Fuck 'em!

q1605 said...

Here's more rant. What chaps my ass is I consider my ex double dipping. My mother spent her life looting me and my sisters bank accounts to spend on her clothes and cars and health care. But the one single solitary time she can give something back to us(it's not like she worked for or on the farm) that was all me and my grandmother etc. And she picks a fight with us and uses that as an excuse to give it all to my ex.
I keep saying my ex knew the back ground of our family as well as anyone and she shoved us out of the way as quick as a pick pocket in a Dickens novel. So we went bankrupt bailing her out of jail and saving her from the electric chair and actually punished us for making sure she didn't look through bars the rest of her life. What a tacky whore. My ex didn't steal anything that my mother didn't give her. So I ain't going to jail for strangling her with piano wire. I knew she was like a kid in a candy shop when he saw that farm money. It's all on my mom. I had some more rant but I can't remember what it was.

q1605 said...

I wish everyone had siblings like mine. She was my Rosetta Stone to sanity. She's who raised me. As in kept me fed and diapered and clean. I put that waterboarding clip up as a joke but the way my mother gave us baths was a lot like that. To me, that's what makes it so funny. I remember her laying me on my back and digging her fingernails in the side of my head and basically just restrained me and tried to drown us. It was horrible. She didn't give a shit if we got soapy water up our noses and in our eyes. She just wanted us moderately clean before my father got in for the day.

mulderfan said...

Even though I was just a kid with the responsibility of raising a kid, the NGC once said I was more of mother to him than our actual mother ever was. He was MY Rosetta Stone then, when he saw $ signs, he turned on a dime. "Dime" is no pun because that pretty much all that will be left.

q1605 said...

Yeah I was watching that documentary on AM DJ and he was giving an interview about his life before and after he got famous. And I quote "money fucks up everything". I hope Satan has my mother handcuffed and butt fucked and is rubbing rock-salt in her asshole.
Good god do I eat with that mouth? Yes I do. I just no longer need it to talk to my mother with.

q1605 said...

I always like to use that phrase "evil flourishes when good men do nothing". I was thinking of what happened to my ex's cousin and the example it set for those who do the right thing no matter what. Her cousin's husband died of Colon Cancer back in the 90's. So out there it's one of the few counties in Texas left where you can pretty well build a fence around some land and file some paper work and get just about anything declared a cemetery. So this guy who I knew and that was a really good guy dies from the cancer so there was a cemetery that sort of sprang out from no where. I think the cousin was engaged and married to this guys friend in the matter of a couple of months. This isn't the first time I have heard of two friends who ended up as the primary care takers hooking up after the third party died. Something about them watching their friend/husband dying forces them close enough long enough that it pushes them together. I won't pass judgement on them because grief will make people do strange things. BUT! it so pissed off the mother of the man that died she had him exhumed and reburied in Dallas. Just so people know you don't have to accept a situation that you consider wrong.

Bess said...

I was trained to empathize until I lost myself in wondering what my parents wanted. I'm in my 40s and still trying to figure myself out. The madness upon madness topped with denial is a mindfuck I don't know I'll ever be completely rid of, but going no/low contact is one of the best decisions I ever made, and I have no regrets. I stood up for the little girl who couldn't stand up for herself. Protecting a child is always worthwhile, including the one you never got to be.

q1605 said...

And TW can I get an AMEN? Why yes you can. AMEN!

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

Yeah they love the DARVO thing, you got a double dose Q with your mother and carbon copy x wife. The enablers and fellow narcs all think they were there, the denying reality game never ends like I had with that cousin. Those types will kiss the ass of the evil from kingdom come. I see it with ALL my relatives. Why did I dump 30 plus people out, THAT.

Yeah that word UPPITY is quite revealing. The sociopaths see themselves as above everyone else. I've been accused of NOT knowing my station. People talking to me like I am 10 years old when I am only 10 years away from the senior center. They do see themselves as queens [or kings] bossing everyone else around.

Yes the ability to empathasize is turned on it's head with these creeps. Everytime I decided to be nice, to "care" and to "forgive", I got screwed by the relatives. Thanks mulderfan.

Yeah your ex did double dip. Your mother basically was leaving it to her Mini-Me. Your ex probably was planning for YEARS to get that money. Yes you got lucky with your siblings. Mine scare me as much as Queen Spider, The Robot Narcissist Stepford Wife and Mr. I Never Grew Up Let me Brag your ear off. Both bow before the queen's money. What's a sister when cash is on the table? They were fighting over money and their share even while I was in contact. Ie Mini-Me would complain everytime my brother got a dime and funny how she always knew when he was getting money from my mother and exactly how much. It sounds like because of the age difference, your sister became kind of a surrogate mother. I am glad she turned out to be loving person.

q1605 said...

The problem with me is that I continue to speculate if they are formed by nature or nurture. If it is nurture then how do I explain me to myself. I got it from the queen of Sociopaths. Not to mention my grandmother that raised me also raised her. So then I lean back to nature and that there is something organically wrong with their brains and they don't know what they are doing. But then I think about the glee she radiated when she cut someone off at the knees. Which implies they know what they do is wrong or and how they lie about it.Which implies it is ...I am dizzy just trying to hammer this comment out. I eventually take some benadryl and go to bed and start all over again tomorrow. I know I turn everything for cheap laughs but I would have liked to donate her brain to science. If I could document half of what I saw I bet I could have had them remove it and put it on slides and look at it under a microscope.

mulderfan said...

I no longer give WHY they did what they did space in my head. So what of they had fucked up genes or childhoods? So did I. So did most of us commenting here. WHY didn't we all turn out to be nasty assholes?

Here's the only reason WHY they did...BECAUSE THEY FUCKING CHOSE TO!

Bess said...

My NF was an argument for organic brain problem; NM was an argument for nurture, and probably also organic brain problem.

q1605 said...

Yeah Mulderfan it saves time to just say fuck'em. Since mine took her brain with her when she died it's really a moot point. I just would like to know just for me. My mothers sociopath nature had to have some hard wiring behind it. Her behavior was more robotic than human. Her lack of empathy was like a bird of prey swooping down
on a mouse. She did most of her shit for the fun of it. If my grandparents had not been the coolest I would say who cares just stay as far away from her as you can get. But I have the luxury of time to fill so in those blank spaces during the day I sit around and wonder. Her extreme nature is what is so hard to understand. She would sob over her cat getting hit by a car and watching and listening to a man die gave her an orgasm. Especially if she could take credit for being the one that pushed the guy over the edge. I don't think her and my father ever spent an evening out where they didn't come back and spill out into the yard punching kicking and slapping each other. She seemed to bring that sadistic edge out in my father because he never held back. It was like the more trauma he could inflict on his kids looking on the better he like it. Look at how he checked out. He went out of his way to make sure I witnessed his suicide. Like that's how he proved his emotional depth to the world. Like it somehow proved he was a grown up. I am an adult because I respond to my wife torturing me by inflicting torture on my kids. A psychotic version of the three stooges. Only grown ups can wreck lives like we are actively wrecking our kids lives.
While normal people would have stepped back and said lets not do this in front of the kids. It was like look at me! I am an adult and have complete control over this human being. Sure he a little smaller in stature than me but I won't let that stop me from traumatizing this human being that I should be protecting. And look at my mother. I will take assets that are not near enough reparations for the freak show I inflicted on them every day of their lives. It's much more head fucking to give it to his whore and thief of an ex wife. You say crazy. I say I lord my control over them to the bitter end.

q1605 said...

Yeah M-fan I have a bad habit of answering comments before I fully read them. I give no one any credit who inflicts cruelty on others and then claim "I couldn't help it" "Look at how I was raised!" No fuck-nuts people raised like us should get less of a pass because we of all people know how wrong it all is. It doesn't excuse it it should garner a harsher punishment.