RumblestripQ: Back stage pass to the sociopath Side show Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
That scene kills me every time. I need some windows and rocks.
For me it really captures the sense of frustration and feeling of futility that time and space has given me as years go by. I am told that time heals all wounds, but I don't seem to be able to get the past behind me without getting infuriated at the people who kept us from our true potential for what appears to be a whimsical desire to torture folks whose only true crime was to be born to these slap fucks.
I'll take a couple a glass mansions please as long as we're ordering up our preferred targets.Mine use to tell me allll the time, "you'll understand when you get older...." Well, I'm there. This phase of my life isn't "One Step Closer to Thee" so much as it's "One Step Closer to Free" of the BS and I DO "understand." It's called Crimimal Abuse and Neglect. The one's that are dead now have something-finally, at least ONE thing-for which they "should" be GRATEFUL. But if you see q and me in a cemetery with a couple shovels and a front end loader, be afraid...be very afraid...TW
I think some wounds never heal. You get the scar tissue to learn to live with. By learning to live with that is not the same as becoming whole again. We got broken, and we don't get replacement parts to fix the damage.
I wasn't a big fan of Robin Wrights but she was a perfect counter part to Gump.
No shit TW how fucking old do we have to be to get it. With each passing year as Judith says I don't feel more mature as much as I feel combat hardened and more vulnerable at the same time. Its a contradiction of terms that go's all the way to the bone. There are just people places and things that will never fit. I don't think our mutually exclusive perception is what gets me. Its that oxymoron has become the paradigm that I filter life through. Jeez somebody toggled my thesaurus switch on and I need to manually disable it and start making sense.
I know I'm in that space in my head thinking of the lost time and opportunities too. It's hard. You all don't even want to know the space in my head thinking of the deceased friends and places of the small rural town I only live in for 8 years. With the family, I was cast out, and everyone's getting older and the toddlers I missed seeing are now teens and young adults. Time marches on and almost pushes you out of the way.I believe there are things time never can fix. I'm disabled today from their abuse. I missed out on a career and children though at least I managed a happy marriage. That can't be forgotten, I'm living the price today. We all are in different ways. The ripples thrown into the pond were long lasting for decades. All the "get over it" clan almost want us to do a lobotomy on ourselves, we can manage and look for happiness in present life, but there's no changing what happened. I missed out on years of love, growing and there's empty places now where some family should be. Some may call that bitterness but it's not, it's grief for what could have been.I had the revelation about my brother some time ago, and it just clicked, he found a whole new family in his girlfriend's family. What does he need me for? He was able to "replace what was lost". Me, not so much to the same degree. His friends and her family live near. My best friend drove 200 miles to see me for three days. It's a whole other life.Do any of you go look at your old homes and neighborhoods on Google Maps, for me there's been too many places I've had to leave even as an adult, looking back with memories wondering what could have been if you had STAYED or where still there? I see people on my Facebook, that stayed, and are there. I wonder what could have been. I know I am strange that way. I wanted to replace the life I lost in 2006, but then so many died and places I used to be just disappeared, there was no replacing it. Never forget Narcissists don't have feelings like this. No feelings of lost, nostalgia or grief. That actually sickens me the most about them.
TW, I'm there with you. I understand now that I am older. My eyes were opened in the last few years. Yes Criminal Abuse and Neglect. I understand fully now, how my life and potential was destroyed and almost ended a few times from criminal medical neglect. I think of the decades of trying to make it all "make sense" always with an excuse for them and blame for myself as trained. Well those days have ended. I "see" what they are. Q I feel combat hardened and more vulnerable at the same time. It's almost like everythings already happened to me so what's left that can happen? This would apply to you too. We try to make sense of it all and it's not making sense. One thing I have thought, is thinking of the WASTE of it all and the fact they wasted so much time, opportunities and potential.
I actually wrote a post addressing my mother numerous crimes against humanity but that never gets me anywhere. There are any number of people who knew my mother for exactly what she was and they were more than willing to grab the cash that her real family paid the dues for. You can't argue with people that already have their minds made up.
Age is getting me no where. It just makes it easier to spot the us versus thems. Us being us and them being people from normal families. The how can you hate your mother contingents. I never know where to start. The fact my mother never fed or clothed us or that she gave our families assets to my slutty ex wife. We are always making amends for infractions to be named later. I got tired of watching her bound through the family like a boisterous puppy leaving nothing but dog shit and ruin in her wake.
Q there is something insidious in human nature where they love [maybe just obey, follow and bootlick] malignant narcissists and sociopaths more then ordinary folks or ones with consciences. I haven't yet figured this out. In your case, as I have stated before she got PUBLICALLY OUTED as a murderer, just not convicted and they still bowed and bootlicked, but then some knew my mother was bad news, told me when I was young [got too obedient to even do that later, but they KNEW and still threw me under the bus. There's a lot of memories being seen "again" under the eyes of me today instead of the asleep fogged out me or too young me.
Yes it's easier to spot the us vs. thems. At this age, I know I'm not going to be able to fix what was lost or put it all back together again. False counseling and false religion promises miracles and lobotomies, I have to deal with reality. Still believe God will one day make it right, but none of them will be able to make over my past.
Peep, I figure if we want to stay sane, at some point, we have to give up on trying to make sense out of insanity because it's NEVER gonna happen.
Whats that Einstein quote? Insanity is repeating the same action over and over and expecting a different result. For me my mothers insanity just fills my RAM up and then leaves me no room to process anything else. I was just telling a friend today how I seem to get close to finding a linchpin to hold it all together but at the last second it's like trying to spin that last plate that sends all the others crashing to the ground. My mother eradicating all traces of our family while outsiders that know her/our history and still makes her out to be mother of the year is an obstacle I can't quite process. In the case of my ex she revels in the same glory that made my mother chuckle at getting to have the parting shot. I mean how sick can you get? They really are like Nazis scoffing at the defects of the "lessor races". If they didn't want to be exterminated they should have had the foresight to be born a different race or religion. I mean she dumped on her parents and every one in our family that was ever born just to mind fuck me. That's hate you don't see everyday.
I guess they are insane is as close to an answer as I will get. I want to go down and say it's easy for you guys to point fingers at me and take the last things we have from our legacy. But riddle me this. How many murders were you forced to be a witness to as a kid and how many family members did you have to listen to as they died in your yard. It's not as easy to write it off as an obsession with your past that if you tried you would have gotten over by now if it really happened to you. It really happened to me So to me its not an abstraction. So don't pronounce me as someone who should rise above it when you really don't have a clue about how you would handle it if it was your reality. There are people alive and dead that I will never forgive for this shit. NEVER!
I am not speaking in general terms folks. I am speaking to certain ex-wives that have turned fucking me over into a cottage industry. And if you think it's funny you might want to run the other way if you see me coming. Ya pussies!There I think I told them!
Like usual I won't hear a word back. She could at least leave a box of pictures on our porch. She's too busy hiding behind the skirts of a dead woman.
If there is a lesson to be learned it's for the "my mother's a saint" contingency. If you don't see how people hate their mothers and rue the day they were doomed when they were born into the house they were to grow up in it's woven in the pages here and in any blog I have put on my side bar.We aren't playing monopoly here. If someone describes the horrors they were subjected to as a child it's not a signal to find the other parent and join forces in robbing the family before the sick parent comes to their senses and not to side with against the child so they might put them in the will. It's to maybe try to walk a mile in their shoes before you take advantage of the situation and rob the kids of everything they can get while the getting is good. It's easy to steal shit from people and a lot harder to do the right thing and let the child and parent make amends with out you automatically assuming the parent is right and the child is wrong. Think how you would like it if someone moved into your parents house and changed wills and the fiances before they could come to their senses. The person that this message is for would scream bloody murder if someone else ravaged their parents finances and was gone before they could straighten it out. Of course you being the cheap slut that you are it never crossed you mind that it could happen to you. But it can and it will. And you will have no one to blame but yourself because so shall you reap so shall you sow. All I can see is you joining my mothers side in hell. And that 's too good for you you vindictive slut. I hesitate writing my true feeling because a twisted fuck like you will only see it as a score for your side and that you got one over on your ex.
C ya wouldn't want to B ya
I know where you live.
Umm I'm tellin. I will have you arrested for making terroristic threats.
Go for it you dog fucking slag!
They're just not right. That's about the only answer we get. They've got defects that can't be fixed and don't deserve our empathy or space in our heads.
You might expect someone to take the high road occasionally but seeing how easily my ex shoved the victims of my mothers insanity to the side and picked my mothers pockets I would say I am wrong. I spent 12 years watching that whore screw everybody that trusted her. I am off the clock now her family now gets her and her sorry ass and low brow ways. It's just one more pick pocket masquerading as a good person that I can be shed of now. There is nothing left for her to steal from me so hopefully she will leave me alone. And I really do know where she lives.
Hold on you mean I am not suppose to steal shit that belongs to other people?No. Not even if I use a lawyer and do it legally?NopeWhat if no one sees me do it?Doesn't matter.What if it is from a lady who had a stroke and I rushed her straight to a lawyer before she died?That's even worse. What if the old lady gives it to me?Did she give it to you voluntarily? And without coercion.No No How about if I lie and tell everyone she gave it freely and of her own accord.Would it piss you off if what you did was done to you?I would fucking kill them and expect to get off free.What if it came from my ex who drove a tractor and bailed hay for decades while his mother sat on her ass and fucked guys behind his fathers back and she used it to goad him into killing him self?What if she had gutted them from the fees to get her out of spending her life in prison?We're loosing ground here.So I can't just take what I want and lie about what I took?No that's pretty sleazy too.
That clip from "Forrest Gump" always got to me. Thank you for posting.Childhood with my N-Mom was confusing at best and abusive at worst. Going fully no-contact with her 10+ years ago, at age 40, was the best decision I've ever made. Yes, it took me that long.This tune by Ben Folds sums up my feelings about my childhood home...fortunately, my relationship with my brothers has only improved since I went NC, even though one is still in touch with her and the other is NC. We're finally at the point where we can all speak honestly about all that happened, or should have happened but never did ...https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AptlXc6BOcI
I love her visceral reaction to seeing her childhood home. I keep reading about how we should let it go. But really if it got bad enough the sense of frustration is overwhelming. I am literally not the person I could have been. And what she added to me and changed about me is all bad. How could you do that to your own son? My initiation of No Contact with my mother was a long drawn out version of that scene and that question. She even called my friends and wept about me hating her. Yet it didn't stop her from taking a parting shot in a decidedly irrevocable way. Well if I could speak to her now I would say this. ............This..... is why I hate you. You could have redeemed yourself at the time of your death but you had to turn even that into a mind fucking. I am not an overly religious person but I will believe if my faith makes her have to account for her actions in the afterlife. Lord knows she wasn't going to do it in life. The thing is she painted me as a liar and a scoundrel and all I did was tell people the truth about her. I didn't have to make up lies about her. She was evil enough all on her own.
Killer song Bonsai. I knew there was a band and musicians that went by that name but that is the only time I heard them and knew who it was while I listened. I always keep an antennae up to people and artists who so obviously get it. You just can't fake an acknowledgment if you didn't pay the dues. I wish no one got it. I wish we could all get a do over and start over at square one. Sadly the damage is done and I don't know if we can be fixed now.
Bonsai if you ever get a chance to see a movie called Rampart in which Woody Harrelson plays a corrupt LA cop. Do so. He has gone completely off the rails and in one scene he shows up at his house and walks in like he hasn't screwed his family over royally. I can't find the scene isolated on you tube or I would link it. But he walks in and one of his wives(he married two sisters)walks up to him and gets in his face telling him he is a dirty cop with a dirty mind who dirtied his family up and who knows what the far reaching effects it was going to have on their two daughters. But he obviously doesn't care as long he gets his immediate needs met. It makes me think of my so called mother. She was a dirty whore with a dirty mind who dirtied us all up on her way out. No that does a disservice to whores around the world. Whores expect payment after they render services. My mother screwed everything with a penis with her only pay off was keeping us all in upheaval and to watch her friends end up in divorce court because of her tartness. Here is the trailer to that moviehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nVtbeezELcYIt has a bit of the scene I am speaking of but not much.
I'll check it out, thanks!
I love that movie, I cry every time I watch it. And that scene in particular. That and closer to the beginning when Jenny is running from her father and keeps saying 'dear Lord please make me a bird so I can fly away' - I felt just that same way as a kid. Just that same way.
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